by Tiffani Lynn
Her eyes blink several times like she’s trying to see clearly. “Hey, you okay? Do you need something?” she asks, her voice rough with lingering sleep.
“No, I’m sorry I woke you. I’m fine.”
Her sleepy smile warms me a little. “I could get you some water or something.”
“No, really, I’m fine. You can go back to sleep.”
She sits up and looks at me making me feel bad that I woke her; she’s obviously worried.
Not thinking it through, how I shouldn’t do it, I ask, “Will you lay with me?”
Her brow furrows. “I have been.”
“No, I mean with me.” I roll to my back and open my arms for her to join me. “I just want you closer,” I tell her with far too much honesty.
Without hesitation, she crawls over to me and snuggles into my side with her head mostly on my chest and her arm resting across my stomach. If I didn’t feel so physically horrible I’d be in heaven. I wrap one arm around her and use the other to stroke her hair, just enjoying this one little moment in time for a change. Not worrying about what tomorrow or next week or next year will bring.
“Thank you,” I whisper, a little choked up by the whole scenario. “Thank you for everything. I’m sorry I’ve been such a dick.”
She squeezes my middle and holds tight for a second. “Don’t apologize. I know your heart, Javie. You’re not that guy. It’s why I keep coming back. I care about you.”
“I care about you too. It’s why I keep pushing you away.”
“You can push as hard as you want, but I’ll keep coming back. Just remember to be gentle at times so I remember why I continue to return.”
I don’t reply. I kiss the top of her head and continue to stroke her hair as she drifts back off to sleep.
Chapter Fifteen
Valerie
It’s been two months since Javier’s treatment ended and I know from reading his chart that the scan a month ago showed no regrowth. He’s officially in remission. I also know that he’s in a mental hole. He refuses to go back to the Saturday dinners with his family and he’s working again but his employees, who happen to be family or friends, say he’s distant. I’ve tried to stop by a couple of times, even tried to call, but he won’t answer and won’t call back. I thought we’d made some progress when I was there after his final treatment, but his family says he’s worse than before. The few hours I slept in his arms that last night now feel like a dream and I’d do almost anything to get that back. I spoke to his doctor and found out he suggested antidepressants to help Javier get back to normal, but Javier refused.
The sad part for me is that after almost a year and a half, I’ve finally rejoined life fully. My job is going well. I never would’ve thought the day I stepped off that plane here in Colorado Springs that I’d be content in my new life. I’m volunteering at VCT and I’ve joined a dance group that meets once a week to learn or perfect ballroom dances. Victor is my partner for the class and we have dinner on occasion before we go. Neither of us is dating anyone, but we’re learning to live again and that’s what counts. We’ve begun to lean on each other as friends and I wouldn’t change our friendship for anything.
Ron and Sheila have split up. Ron found an apartment and Sheila sold the place she shared with him so she could move in with Herschel. My house is on the market, but it hasn’t sold yet. Thea is settled and twice a month when she’s with her dad on the weekends I go out with my girlfriends, usually to Dante’s for drinks and sometimes dancing.
Today is Thea’s birthday and when I asked her what she wanted to do she said she wanted to bring a couple of friends to her horseback riding lesson and have a picnic at the ranch. I wasn’t sure how Judson and Quinn would feel about it, but when I asked, they told me to make it a real party and start planning.
In the end, we have four girls, including Thea, two boys from her class that she likes to hang out with, Carlo, Ron, whom I didn’t want to invite but Thea wanted him there, Dex, Marina, their twins and Belinda, the new baby, Victor, and Ron’s brother Frank and his wife, Angela. Mike and Summer are flying in to surprise her and will meet us at the ranch. At the last minute Judson added Eddie, the boy I met through Javier at VCT, so he and his mom Nancy will be there too. Judson has been helping take up Javier’s slack at VCT, but Eddie misses Javier. So over 20 people are going to be there today. We have cake and ice cream, Carlo and Judson will be taking the kids on a trail ride, and then we’ll eat.
I haven’t seen Thea this excited in forever. I can’t decide if it’s because we’re having an actual birthday party or if it’s because her friends finally get to meet Carlo—who I know she’s been talking about nonstop.
We’re about two hours into the party and the group of kids is gone on the trail ride with Carlo and Judson, but should be back any time. The rest of us are relaxing in lawn chairs when Ron arrives with Frank and Angela. I was hoping Thea would be here when he showed, but of course it’s not that easy. I stand and greet them as cordially as I possibly can and offer them seats. When awkward conversation stops a few minutes later, Quinn offers to take them on a tour of the ranch and all three jump to it, so they’re gone when Victor shows up with Mike and Summer.
As soon as I see Victor arrive in an extended-cab truck he borrowed from someone else, I leap out of my chair and run for the truck. Mike gets out just in time to catch me as I leap for him.
“Oh, my God! You’re really here!” I squeal, squeezing the life out of him.
“Yeah, Jellybean, I’m here.”
“Thea’s gonna freak out!” I squeeze him hard one last time and kiss his cheek before I let go and dive for my best friend. “I can’t believe you’re here! I’m so happy to see you guys!”
“Me too! Where’s our girl?” Summer asks.
“On a trail ride with Judson and Carlo and the other kids.”
“The Carlo?” she asks knowingly.
“Yes. Wait till you see the way she looks at him. You can almost see the rainbows and unicorns in her head that go along with the vision of him.”
“If I didn’t think it was normal I’d probably lock her in her closet and never let her out again,” my brother remarks.
“It’s normal. He’s older than her by a couple of years so he has no interest, but he’s nice to her. He’s a safe first crush to have and if I’m being honest, I’m so glad to be here to see the stuff as it’s happening rather than hearing about it later secondhand.”
I grab both of their hands and pull, “Come on, you need to meet everyone.”
Victor’s inside getting a beer for everyone when Javier’s truck pulls up. Judson must have invited him because I didn’t get the chance to. He never would call me back. I’d love to be mad at him, but more than anything I’m hurt. I thought we were friends.
Javier climbs out of the truck looking a little perplexed. I walk over to greet him and instead of saying hello or asking how I’m doing, he blurts, “Why’s everyone here? I thought only Eddie was going to be here.”
Great, he’s being a dick today.
“Eddie was invited to Thea’s birthday party. I was going to invite you too but you don’t call back.”
“I’ve been busy.”
My temper rises and I fight to push it back down. I don’t need to be pissy on my daughter’s birthday.
“Yeah, I figured,” I say and turn away, walking back to my seat. I’m not going to stand there trying to make small talk with a jerk. Victor comes out of the house and hands me a Diet Coke, my brother and Summer each get a beer. Marina and Dex are inside trying to get their kids down for a nap. Javier must have approached behind me because Nancy, Eddie’s mom, stands and moves around me to hug him.
“So good to see you,” she says with a sweet smile. Nancy’s beautiful. Tiny, perfectly proportioned, blond-haired and blue-eyed, and I’ve been jealous of her interaction with Javier since I found out who she was. Seeing Javier’s friendly reaction to her pisses me off, especially after the cold asshole attitude I jus
t got.
“Hey, Nancy, how’s my buddy Eddie?” he asks, all smiles and niceness.
I look to Victor whose eyes are wide on mine. He knows how often I’ve tried to reach out to Javier and how often I’ve been snubbed. I feel the knot form my throat and I try to swallow past it, praying it doesn’t surface and bring tears with it. I’d love to say I don’t care about Javier, but I do. I have since sometime in the beginning of our friendship, despite all the warnings to run the other way. Victor figured it out a while ago and has become my confidant with all things Javier.
Nancy pulls him by the arm in front of the lawn chairs and asks, “Have you met everyone?” I’m a little surprised with how familiar she’s treating him. I understand that he’s worked with little Eddie for a while, but she’s acting like this is a date. Jealousy simmers in my gut and I hate myself for it.
Javier looks around and says, “No, hey, I’m Javier Suarez,” and sticks his hand out to shake with my brother first.
“I’m Mike, Valerie’s brother, and this is her best friend, Summer, from back home,” he replies as he shakes. I must not be as good at hiding my reactions as I thought I was because Victor walks over and stands a little behind me and leans in. “You okay?” he whispers.
I nod a little, not wanting to draw any attention to me or the jealousy and hurt I’m certain are plain to see. When I glance at Javier, his eyes are narrowed on Victor who’s still closer than is normally polite. Whatever. I can’t deal with his crazy shifting moods today or his possible new girlfriend.
The air in the group has grown a little awkward because everyone knows just enough about me and Javier for it to be uncomfortable. To make things that much more uncomfortable, Quinn leads the tour back to the front porch where we’re all congregated.
Ron opens his stupid mouth first. “What the hell is he doing here?” He flaps his hand at Victor. Big mistake considering my brother hates Ron and didn’t need to be reminded that he’s a dick.
“He brought me,” Mike chimes in and rises from the seat he was.
Oh shit, this is about to get ugly.
“Of course, Mike likes him,” Ron spits.
“That might have something to do with the fact that he didn’t cheat on her for a year before he served her with divorce papers,” Summer joins in. My eyes bug out of my head. Is this little showdown really happening at Thea’s birthday party?
Not good. Frank chimes in for Ron this time. “You don’t know the whole story and this isn’t the place.” Angela tugs on Frank’s arm, pleading with him to shut up; she must know Ron’s side is bullshit.
Mike steps up to tower over both of them with Victor at his back. “Really? What part of the story don’t I know?”
“Well—”
“Well, nothing.” My brother cuts him off. “Fact number one, Ron saw Sheila at their high school reunion and slept with her that night while my sister was deployed, and then he lied about it. Fact two, he carried on a year-long affair with Sheila but never said a word to my sister about being unhappy, even when she came home to help with a situation with Thea. Fact three, he moved them back to Colorado to be near Sheila in preparation to leave Val but continued to spend the paychecks she earned. Fact four, the day she arrived in Colorado Springs, he told her he was leaving and taking their daughter away from her. Fact five, he fought her tooth and nail for both full custody and alimony until the private investigator found out that Sheila was cheating on him.”
Angela gasps, wide-eyed at this obviously new information.
“What? Is that true?” Frank turns to Ron and asks.
Ron looks at the ground but doesn’t answer.
“You did all that and then wanted alimony?” Frank asks.
Now Javier shares. “Yeah, it’s all true. I’m the investigator that gathered all the information. I can show you if you’d like.”
“Who does that to their wife and kid?” Frank asks, not really expecting an answer, I don’t think. “You always were a selfish prick, Ronald. I always thought your stay-at-home-dad routine was bullshit once Thea went to school, but I kept my mouth shut. I should’ve said something.” He turns and stomps back toward the barn with Angela on his heels.
Now it’s just Ron standing in front of Mike, Vic and Javier, all of whom look like they could eat him for dinner. Summer moves in next to me and holds my hand. My chest is heaving with the adrenaline that spiked when I realized Ron might get his ass kicked right here at the birthday party.
“Fuck this, I’m outta here,” Ron says and storms past us like he’s going to drive off and leave his brother and sister-in-law here, ditching his daughter’s party.
“Hell no, you’re not going anywhere!” I surprise him and everyone else by yelling. “You’ve already screwed up this entire last year for her with your selfish behavior. You’re going to suck it up and hang out here until your daughter is ready to go home. You’ll sing her happy birthday, eat her damn cake, and watch her open presents with a goddamn smile on your face. If you try to set foot near that car I’ll kick your ass myself in front of everyone here!”
“You want me to stay and listen to their shit?” He waves his hand at the group of adults.
“Yes. You have no one to blame for any of this except yourself. Nothing they said was a lie. Man the fuck up and stay at your daughter’s birthday party.”
“Sounds like you’re looking for a fight,” he mutters.
“Nope. I’m looking for you to grow the hell up. Everything isn’t always about you. Now, sit down, shut up and wait for your kid.”
I shrug off Summer and stomp away down the dirt road. I need a few minutes to calm down before Thea gets back. I’d go to the barn, but Frank hasn’t come back from there and I don’t want to see him either. I make it all the way to the pond where it’s quiet, and do my best to soak up the peacefulness that surrounds me. I sit on the end of the dock that Judson put in and dangle my toes in the cool water.
It’s Victor who finds me a few minutes later. He’s such a great friend. “You okay?”
I nod.
“Bet it felt good to tell him off in front of everyone.”
Even as frustrated as I am, I grin a little. “Yeah, it did actually.”
“Come on, let’s go back. You don’t want to be here when Thea gets back. She’ll be ready for cake and presents.”
I allow him to lead me back to the group with his arm tight around my shoulders, and when we join the others again I notice Javier shooting daggers at Victor. Why does he care if Vic’s arm is around me? He never wanted his there so it shouldn’t matter. Hell, the guy can’t even return a phone call.
The once relaxed atmosphere is now tense when Judson leads the riders around the corner to the barn. All the kids are full of smiles and laughter so I step away from the group of adults pissing me off and hold the reins of the horses as Judson helps the kids down.
Carlo hollers across the yard. “Quinn, can we eat? We’re starved!”
She laughs. “Yeah, I’ll bring it all out.” Summer follows her inside, and Frank and Angela resurface. I look to them, “Can you go inside and help Quinn bring food out to the tables, please?”
Frank looks like he’s about to say something, but I turn away, not wanting to have a conversation with him here about any of this.
After lunch we serve birthday cake and let Thea open presents. When we’re cleaning up, I notice that Victor and Javier are off to the side having an obvious argument. Thea approaches them and I can see her facial expression change and I know she’s pissed. I start to make my way to her when she steps in front of Javier and points a finger at him. Then her voice rises loud enough for more than just me to hear.
“They’re not dating, you idiot!”
“Thea!” I snap, mortified that my kid talked to an adult like that.
“No, Mom. He doesn’t get to act like this. He’s mad because he thinks you and Victor are dating. Everyone but him knows you’re not. And everyone but him knows why. God! I’m 12 and I get it.�
�� She turns back to Javier and asks, “Why don’t you?”
He’s staring at her like she has three heads, but he hasn’t said a word in response. Victor grabs her gently by the shoulders and says, “Thea, go on back to your party. Don’t worry about this, let us handle it.”
She glances back at Victor and nods once, but before she steps away from them she looks back at Javier and says, “She loves you, you big dummy! You obviously feel the same. Quit acting like some dumb guy in a movie and ask her out!” She stomps away and we all watch as she goes, stunned by her words. I didn’t realize she knew how I felt about Javier. I turn to look and see who is paying attention and find pretty much everyone watching this play out. Great. That’s all I need, to have everyone here witness another one of my embarrassing heartbreaks.
Javier runs both hands across the dark fuzz growing back on his head, drops his hands to his hips and looks to the ground.
Then, surprising me, Victor says, “Get your shit together, Javie. Thea’s right. It’s you she wants.” Then he walks away. As he’s moving past me, he stops and kisses my hair, whispering, “You deserve better.”
I can’t move. Does all of this mean that Javier actually wants to take me out? Hope blooms inside and I force myself to breathe so I don’t turn blue waiting for him to finally ask me out. It’s probably only been a minute, but it feels like a million, and I don’t know what to do. Should I walk over all the way? Should I stay where I am? Should I go back to the party?
Just when I’m ready to go to him, he looks up at me, his expression unreadable, shakes his head and walks off to his truck. I still haven’t moved by the time he’s backed up and turned around to leave. Did he really just walk away from me in front of all these people? That completes my humiliation for this lifetime.
Mike approaches, looking like he could kill someone, with Summer on his heels.
“Don’t,” I tell them. “I’m fine. Let’s help clean up this mess and get out of their hair. We have a slumber party to live through. I’m sending you two with Vic to take the boys home, and the girls will ride with me. Afterwards we’ll all meet at my house where I can have a glass of wine.”