Clap When You Land
Page 16
It was at the bottom of my bag.
I realize I don’t know my sister at all.
If this was Dre I would know how to
wrap my arms around her & hug the mad away.
If this was a newbie who lost a game
I would know what piece of wisdom
I need to offer. But it’s Camino.
I know if I were her,
this would not have been
what I was searching for.
I am quiet as I leave the house.
Holding back tears.
It’s been clear to me since the beginning
how it is that this must end.
The quickly scrawled note
I wrote for Tía is on the altar,
the first place I know she will turn
for solace when she realizes
that I am gone.
It is the middle of the night,
too early to make my way
to begin walking the four miles.
Vira Lata whines at my heels,
& I scratch him softly behind an ear.
There is one last place I have to see
before I go.
I am not dressed for travel.
When I arrive at the airport in the morning
I know I will call attention:
no suitcase, no backpack, no guardian.
I only have my purse, the money,
& the gift Yahaira does not know she’s given to me.
I will have to bribe someone to buy me the ticket;
I will need to bribe someone to pretend to be my
parent. I will say the person is an aunt or uncle,
I will explain my parents are dead.
It’s possible I might be pulled aside if the agent decides
to ask extra questions. I don’t try to think that far.
I am certainly not dressed for the beach
in my sneakers & long jeans,
my hair bunned up tight to look like my sister’s.
But I have to come here
to the water’s edge.
To the sand that has always hugged me close.
My mother stood with me here,
& looked outward as she would tell me to wave
at my father.
It was here my mother would bring me
to lay out a blanket as we made a meal
of soft bread & hard cheese.
This stretch of boundless land
was where she would hold my hands
& we would dance to the live music
coming from the resort next door.
I am crying before I know it.
When the sun comes up I must be hard-eyed
but in the glint of night
I say goodbye to my mother,
to my mother country,
as the rain begins to fall.
A rustling in the branches
makes the hairs on my neck stand.
No. No. No.
How did he know I was here?
How does he always know I’m here?
He must have been watching all this time.
“Your sister, she looks just like you.
But has American written all over her.
I wonder if I can make her acquaintance?”
I ignore him & take a step beyond his reach.
Vira Lata at my feet growls low in his throat.
The rain does not feel quite as gentle as it did.
I tell myself the rain is the reason
I’m shaking. & not the threat to Yahaira.
& not El Cero here. Crowding my last hours.
I can imagine what he sees in me:
a trembling girl in sneakers & denim.
Inside the purse I hold tight at my side
is the only key to freedom I own.
That, a small kit of makeup,
& Yahaira’s passport.
The rest I left behind with a note.
Money for Tía & Carline.
An explanation of the need to leave.
El Cero brushes closer, & I tighten my grip on the purse.
He’s asking me a question but his voice seems far away.
I don’t want him to know how much I’m carrying
but maybe I can ease this situation.
“I have money. I’ll pay you what my father owed.
Half now & half tomorrow? Let it be settled.”
I don’t want to make him angry.
I want to guard my secrets close.
I take a step back to move away from him.
He rubs a thumb across his bottom lip.
“I don’t know. I’ve had plans for you.
But maybe the money would be enough.
He owed me two thousand dollars
for this upcoming year.” I fiddle with
the strap of my purse, & he raises a brow.
“Don’t tell me, Camino,
you are walking around with
that kind of cash?”
My hands shake in the bag
as I try to figure out the right number
of bills to get me out of here.
My heart is racing in my chest.
I grab what I think is enough
& shove it at him.
“Here. This should cover half.”
I calculate quickly how much
I’ll have to cut back on to make my new amount stretch.
I begin edging back toward the tree,
ready to make a run for it,
but El Cero’s hand grabs my sleeve.
He stares down at the dollars
like they are a crossword puzzle
with the clue in a language he doesn’t know.
“Why do you have this much cash?
Were you meeting someone else out here?
Why are you clutching your bag? Is there more?”
His strong grasp yanks at the bag
& despite my tight grip
he is bigger & stronger, & he wrenches it from me.
He runs his hand through my bag,
pulling out the embossed gold of the passport,
the stark white of the envelope
that holds my entire future.
“Why, Caminito? It seems you
were trying to make a run for it?
Without paying a debt. Tsk, tsk.”
I try to grab the passport & money,
but he holds both high above his head
like this is all a game, a middle-school tiff.
Vira Lata must feel my distress
because now he lets out a long bark
before he races off into the trees.
“Camino Camino figured it out somehow.
Tried to get away without making a payment.
Tried to get away without saying goodbye.”
The storm clouds overhead
cover the moon completely.
Thunder sounds in the distance, &
I wipe furiously at water on my face.
The tides will rise quickly.
But not as quick as my anger.
“You’re such a fucking dirt bag.
Un grosero, not worthy to bite the flea
that bites a stray.
I don’t know what converted you
into this monster.
But I bet your sister is turning in her grave.”
The words come out in a fast whoosh
but do not sound like me.
When the lightning flashes, I see El Cero’s face
has twisted into an ugly mask.
He grabs me by my blouse,
pulling me up to my tippy toes;
spittle flies out his mouth
as he yells directly into my face.
“Do not ever mention her,
you uppity, ugly bitch.”
& when he shoves me back,
my foot twists painfully beneath me.
Above me El Cero puts the money &
my passport—Yahaira’s passport—
&nb
sp; into his back pocket.
As the thunder rumbles,
I gather up the torn-up pieces of the marriage certificate.
I can tell from the stillness in the house, Camino isn’t here.
I don’t know the rules of sisterhood.
Am I supposed to try to find her?
Am I supposed to leave her alone?
The thought that she might be alone & angry
on a night she should be celebrating her birthday
makes me stand up & walk into the living room. Stare at the altar.
Papi, if you can hear me, help us both. For once.
A folded-up envelope with Tía’s name
rests on the altar. I don’t remember it being there before.
Outside, the frantic barking of the mutt
grabs my attention.
He sounds as if someone is trying to attack him,
but when I peek through the curtains I see he’s barking at the house.
I can’t help the feeling that my sister needs me.
& for the first time in my life I am actually here to help.
As I turn to grab my phone to see if I can find her,
I bang into a standing lamp that topples over.
From the bedroom they are sharing,
I hear shuffling & then Mami & Tía
rush through the doorway.
But Tía’s brown face goes completely pale.
She clutches a hand to her throat.
“¿Y mi Camino? ¿Adónde está Camino?”
the earth spins
round & round
like palo dance
a trance. Advance
across, the mud,
zoom
zoom into tree
skin a match
I want to detach
from me
a man laughs
am I laughing?
he kneels in the dirt beside me.
stomach sick
crawling
skin slick
push away
kick him back
scratch at the eyes
mouth open
cry cry cry
for help
Tía is shaking
as I guide her to a chair.
Mami pours her
a glass of water.
I’ve seen enough crime shows
to know we need to try & narrow
down where Camino
might have gone.
“I sent her money.
A few days ago.”
Mami gasps
but is otherwise silent.
“Would she have
left for the capital?” I ask Tía.
But Tía dismisses that with a hand.
“We have no family there.”
Although I feel like I’m betraying her
I offer, “My passport is missing.”
At this, Mami pushes up to her feet.
“She would pass herself off as you.
Solana, we need to go to the airport.”
But Tía shakes her head again.
“It doesn’t open until four a.m.
The girl is impetuous,
but she wouldn’t walk the roads
at this time of night;
she would wait for the sun.
Maybe her friend Carline.
She might go to her.”
But this time it’s me
who is disbelieving.
“She loves on her best friend
like a favorite doll. Treats her fragile-like.
She wouldn’t wake her.
She wouldn’t make her complicit.”
The three of us stare at one another.
Until we hear the whine right outside the door.
The dog must have found his way
underneath the fence.
Tía & I catch eyes
at the exact same time.
There is only one place
Camino would go.
Mami pulls the car up as far as she can
but I am out the door before she even stops;
running through the trees toward the water,
I hear a low moan like someone in pain.
As the trees clear,
I see Camino on the ground thrashing against
a man who kneels above her;
she’s kicking him in the stomach as he tries to hold her still.
The sky has opened up;
rain drips down her face.
They have not seen me yet.
It is the first time I am glad to be taller & thicker
than Camino as I rush out &
run up behind them, shoving the man hard
so that he falls into the sand.
He angles his shoulder, & I can tell
he wants to bum-rush me.
I crouch down to cover Camino’s hunched
& trembling body. She clumsily clings to my waist.
Her blouse is ripped open.
& like the dog frantically barking beside us,
I bare my teeth at the man.
“You’ve been her sister for what, two days?
You’re going to want to mind your business.”
I ball my fists the way Papi taught me, thumbs outside.
“You’ll want to leave Camino alone from now on.”
His face contorts in anger.
He charges at me, but headlights flood the darkness.
My mother’s face peeks from the trees
as Tía Solana jumps out into the clearing,
her huge machete glinting in her hand.
I trust she knows exactly how to swing it.
The man takes a step back,
tries to fix his face into something more innocent.
He’s going to try to lie his way out of this,
I can tell.
Even with the rain, the distant sound of lightning,
I can hear Tía praying, her soft voice undercutting all the noise.
She comes & stands by my side,
murmuring under her breath.
I bend down to help Camino to her feet.
Hold her to me with an arm around her waist.
Camino is uncharacteristically quiet.
I want to whisper in her ear,
“I know, I know. I know this fear. You’re okay.
I’m here. I got you.”
& the feeling is so clear it chokes me up
so much I can’t actually say the words.
The lights cut out from the car,
& Mami steps from the vehicle.
She doesn’t carry a single weapon,
nothing but her cell phone & the rolitos in her hair.
But you would think she was armed to the teeth
the way she pulls her shoulders back,
& there in her bearing, you see
she is a general’s daughter.
She looks this man straight in the face.
“This girl does not exist for you anymore.
She doesn’t live here. You won’t be able to reach her.”
Tía’s praying gets louder, & she smacks the machete
hard against her open palm. Behind me Camino whimpers.
Off the ocean air, wind is starting to churn faster.
It smacks at the collar of the man’s shirt.
Tía’s praying is now at full volume, words I don’t know,
but I do know. I feel them in my chest.
It’s as if she’s silenced the night, everything
but the wind, & the wind has its own voice,
& it has joined with ours. It buffets at the man’s hair
& clothing. & we are here: Tía like a bishop,
slashing her long machete. Mami, the knight with rims. My body
in front of my sister’s body: queens.
Papi, who I know is here too. He did
build that castle he always promised.
Even the wind, & rain, & night:
even the light: has come to our side.
We stand for her. For each other.
With clenched fists & hard jaw—
We will protect Camino at all costs.
We will protect one another.
The man reaches into his back pocket,
& I feel the fear in Camino’s body.
But Mami cuts through it with her hard words.
“You don’t want to mess with me.
I am not a nobody. There is nowhere you can run
where my family would not find you.
Don’t even think about it.”
Beside me Camino finds her voice.
“Give me back what you took. All of it.”
& when Tía hisses through her teeth
the man throws a packet onto the sand.
Keeping Camino behind me, I bend to pick it up.
I don’t know what convinced him:
Mami’s confident belief in who she is
& her own power, Tía’s clear determination
to kill the man if she must, or just the belief
that none of this is worth it.
We stand there. Camino is crying into my back,
& I’m shaking where I hug the arms
she’s wrapped around my waist.
The moment he turns his back on us,
Mami’s face fills with relief.
She presses a trembling hand to her mouth
before she shoos at me to get to the car.
Only Tía is unmoving, unflinching as she
stares at the man walking toward the resort lights.
I worry for a second that she might chase him down,
but as if I said it out loud, she looks at me & winks.
“Everyone gets what they deserve eventually, mi’ja.”
With glints in our eyes, dressed for dreaming,
we walk back to the car.
I hold on
to the person
the one
who came
to take me
when I look
at her I see lights
a bright blue glow
from behind her
I hear a humming
as if coming
from the wind itself
or as if the clouds
swirl inside me
calling on me
to breathe
a purple black red
burgundy light
caresses my face
they are here
to take me
they are here
I press myself closer
to Yahaira? & behind her
the blue light becomes
a woman, dressed in larimar.
Sharp knife in hand,
she smiles all teeth.
The humming quiets,
Tía, I realize, Tía’s voice
has called the Saints.
Tía’s voice has come
to take me