Stirred

by Nancy S Thompson

  I backed in behind my desk, picked up the phone handset, and pushed the button for an outside line. I held the phone up, as if it were a weapon.

  Undeterred, Sean grinned and took a step closer.

  “Do you believe in kismet, Eden? Divine intervention?” He slowly raised his hand, as if begging me to take a chance on him. “‘Cause I do. How else can you explain this?” I winced as his fingers eased between mine, still grasping the phone. “Sure, maybe I hunted you down at your signing, a publicized event, by the way. But the bar?” He nudge my hand lower. “And now Robbie’s school?” Caressed the inside of my wrist. “Those were happenstance, like stars aligning or something. And the timing, Eden. God.” He rounded the desk and stood beside me now, skating the backside of his fingertips up my arm and back down again. “You needed someone, and there I was. You chose me that night in that bar. And that kiss? Mmm,” he moaned, his chin over my shoulder and his lips at my ear. “It was like karma sealing our fate.” With his eyes pinned on me, Sean slipped the handset from my loose grip and set it back in the cradle. “I’m not superstitious, but I truly believe we were somehow meant to be together. And I have to wonder how you cannot?”

  With my heart a dry lump in my throat, I stopped breathing when he turned me to face him. His gaze was locked on me. I couldn’t break the connection or pull away.

  “Are you so worn down that you no longer recognize the signs? Are you so jaded you don’t remember what true passion and desire feel like? ‘Cause this is it, Eden,” he whispered, cupping his hands to my face, so close, he stole what little breath I had left. “This is your chance to grab the life you really want, the one you were destined for.”

  I stared at him, mesmerized. Everything about Sean was hypnotic—his smile gentle and reassuring, his eyes mellow and soothing, his voice low and calm. Each eased away my concerns, convincing me to do things I shouldn’t do, that were completely against my nature.

  Or maybe…

  Maybe it was the last twenty years with Declan that had been against my nature. Maybe it was Declan who’d convinced me to do what I shouldn’t have. What Sean brought out in me, how he made me feel, that was more how I used to be, before Jacob died. Maybe this really was a resurrection, and I was coming full circle. Maybe Fate was giving me a second chance at the life that was stolen from me.

  Perhaps I was desperate and simply wanted that to be true, but, looking back at all Declan had done, everything he’d twisted my arm to choose or do, it sure felt like Declan was the one who’d coerced me at every step, every decision, every move. Why hadn’t I ever realized that before? I’d known since day one that Declan was a controlling manipulator. I sighed. Yes, I knew, but, he was so good at it, so skilled at making whatever it was he wanted seem like it was my idea, I never even considered it to be anything but. How stupid could I possibly be? How naïve, how unsophisticated and implicitly trusting.

  Talk about being blind. I really was an idiot. Was. Past tense. But not anymore. The light was now on. I could see clearly. And what I saw was Sean. In that moment of clarity, as I stared into his impassioned eyes, I made a decision, one based solely on what I wanted, what I needed, for the first time in nearly twenty years.

  I slowly reached up for Sean’s hands. Silent. Unsure if I was truly doing the right thing, but excited for whatever was ahead. Sean gently grasped my cold fingers in his warm ones and eased me out from behind my desk. He pulled me close, but he didn’t fold me into his arms, though I felt sure he wanted to. Nor did he kiss me, though the way he gazed at my lips, I was positive he wanted to do that, as well. Instead, he turned and guided me to the leather sofa under the long window that looked out onto the lake, though, now, it was so dark, only a few twinkling lights on a smattering of boats and those along the Seattle shoreline were visible. I could see them now.

  Sean directed me to sit first before taking a seat next to me, close, but not too close. And he didn’t release my hand. He kept it loosely ensconced between both of his, as if making a proclamation, claiming me for his own, but without conquering me or making me feel as if I had no choice. He kept his eyes pinned on my hands as he spun my diamond wedding and engagement rings around and around, like they offended him, and he wanted nothing more than to slip them off my finger and cast them into the dark waters outside the window.

  The gesture, though simple and unspoken, made me uncomfortable. I didn’t want to rush again. I wanted to take things slow, move at a more natural pace, get to know each other a little first. We obviously had sexual chemistry; that much was clear. But could we be friends, too? Would we enjoy each other’s company when not screwing our brains out? I needed to know Sean first, before I did that with him again, before I let him touch me and became completely undone.

  Nervous, I cleared my throat. “So…Sean,” I said, tasting his new name on my tongue, “If we have any hope of proceeding, I need to know more about you, so…tell me a little about yourself, about your family.”

  With a relaxed sigh and his thumb circling the back of my hand, Sean leaned back into the sofa and proceeded to tell me about his parents and how close they once were, how Robbie had unexpectedly come into their lives when they took him in as a newborn, fostering him until, three months later, his drug-addicted birthmother terminated her parental rights. And since the birthfather was unknown, they excitedly started the process of adopting him. Not too long after, though, Sean’s mother discovered her husband was having an affair, and while they tried to work through their issues, they ultimately divorced, and his mother proceeded with the adoption on her own.

  “My mom was lucky though,” Sean said, his thumb ceasing in place. “She met Will, and he married her nine months later. He loved Robbie as much as we did, so he formally adopted him, generously giving Robbie his name and the right to any inheritance. Robbie changed everything, but only in the very best of ways.”

  “What happened to him?” I asked, afraid to hear the answer, but curious nonetheless. “How did he end up in a wheelchair? Your mother never explained, and I didn’t want to butt in where I wasn’t welcome.”

  Sean smiled, but it was so bitter, so heartbreakingly sad. He finally dropped my hand, and I immediately felt the loss. Pulling away, he ran his fingers through his hair.

  “It was my fault,” he said. “My brother will never walk again because of me.”

  “What?” I asked. “Your fault? How could that be?”

  Sean sighed as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. He leaned forward on the sofa, elbows on his knees and his hands in a knot. He stared off, unfocused, but his mind was obviously sorting through something upsetting.

  “What is it? What happened?” I urged.

  Sean shook his head as he dropped his gaze to the space on the floor between his knees, his brow pulled together with a jagged score slicing it in two. He covered his face when his chin began to quiver, then he fisted his hands and squeezed his eyes tight.

  “I…I can’t… I don’t…” he began, but immediately choked up.

  “It’s okay. You don’t have to share if you don’t want to.”

  I laid a comforting hand along his forearm and felt his muscles tighten beneath my fingers. Gently shirking me off, he pressed his thumb and finger deep into his eyes before blowing out a heavy groan. One minute passed in silence. Then two. Then, with a shake of his head, he took a deep breath.

  “When I was a senior undergrad,” he started, “I met this girl named Hayley. You remind me of her a little, with your red hair and green eyes. She was a year behind me and…I don’t know…kinda crazy, but a helluva lotta fun. I was pretty serious about school and never had much time for anything, let alone a girlfriend. Hayley was the exact opposite—playful, lighthearted, unconcerned with class or homework. She was there to have a good time, and she did. Every fucking day.”

  He stood from the sofa and took a couple steps away, his hands in his pockets and his eyes still focused on something I couldn’t see. After a silent moment, he tur
ned to face me.

  “Except for when she couldn’t,” he added then stepped toward my desk and leaned against the side, opposite me. He looked me in the eye with a somber cast on his gorgeous face. “Hayley lived and loved with her whole heart. I’d never met anyone quite like her before. It was easy to get wrapped up in her excitement, regardless of what it was for. That’s how she was most of the time. That’s how I knew her. And exactly why I fell in love with her. Hayley was fearless, with boundless energy and drive, but only to have fun. Only to entertain.

  “In the few months we were together, we did everything, from skiing black diamond runs up at Whistler, to whitewater rafting on the White Salmon River, rally car racing out at Dirt Fish in Snoqualmie, even skydiving up in Snohomish. Now, I like to think I’m the adventurous type, but I barely had the nerve to do a tandem jump, and after I did, I never wanted to do it again. Like, ever. But Hayley? She went balls-out and did a solo static line dive. It was like she had to always push the limits just to feel alive, though, at the time, I didn’t know why. I never even suspected.”

  Sean’s shoulders slumped, as did the rest of him, down the side of my desk until his ass hit the floor. His elbows returned to his knees, his hands fisted like before, but this time, he buried his face against his arms, and his shoulders shook as he cried silently. After a minute, he swiped at his eyes and pulled himself together, but he stayed in that position on the floor, like he couldn’t bear to face me as he relayed the story.

  “About five months in, right at the beginning of my first year in law school, Hayley started to get all…I don’t know…dark. Gloomy. Sad. I tried hard to be a good boyfriend and cheer her up. I took her waterskiing on Lake Sammamish, rappelling out in North Bend, I even arranged a ride with one of the Blue Angels when they were here for Seafair, not an easy task mind you. But nothing seemed to work. It was like she was dead inside, incapable of feeling anything at all.

  “She stopped going to class, slept all the time. She became clingy and needy, something I tried to overlook, until it started to interfere with my studies. I explained that I couldn’t miss class just to lie in bed with her and watch old movies in the dark all day. But she didn’t get it. Or she just didn’t care. I started to back off when she became downright demanding. And when I didn’t show up to keep her company or comfort her, she’d go postal. Show up at my classes, burst in the door, screaming my name.

  “By that point, it was clear she was completely unhinged. I realized there was something seriously wrong, like, not just a simple case of depression or whatever, but a fucking full-fledged breakdown. I contacted mental health services on campus, gave them the rundown, and asked them what I should do. They said it sounded like she was bipolar and on a seriously depressive dive. They advised me to bring her in, which I did, without telling her first where we were going.

  “I knew that was a risk, so I was surprised how calmly she took it. She listened to what the counselor had to say, accepted their brochures and pamphlets, and even made a follow-up appointment before we left a couple hours later. Afterwards, I was relieved. She seemed to accept that she needed help and was willing to get it. But she was different—quiet, composed. I should’ve known then that something was up.”

  With his head in his hands, he grabbed two fistfuls of hair and pulled as his forearms shook so hard, his veins bulged against his skin. I slipped down onto the floor in front of him, my hand raised and ready to smooth over his shoulder, but I was afraid to touch him. He seemed ready to explode. But just being closer seemed to calm him down. His shaking eased and his fists opened. Lifting his head, he scrubbed both hands down his face and looked straight at me. There was so much pain in his eyes, so much sorrow, and something else. Guilt. It seemed to hold him on the floor like a five-hundred-pound lead weight.

  I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t want him to feel like he had to continue. It was clearly a deeply personal experience, and he shouldn’t be made to feel like he had to share. But, at the same time, I felt like he wanted to, like that would help lighten the load, and maybe he’d be able to stand once he was free of the weight. So I just offered him a tight-lipped smile, letting him know I was there.

  After a couple minutes, he took a huge breath and let it out slowly, then rested his head back against the side of my desk as he stared out the window at the unusually clear Seattle sky. He thunked his head against the desk a few times as he contemplated what to say. I just sat there, staring at him, waiting.

  “After we left health services, Hayley grabbed my hand and rested her head against my shoulder as we walked through campus. I told her I’d drive her back to her apartment, but I had to go pick Robbie up at daycare and take him home. He was just shy of his second birthday at that point. Anyway, Hayley asked if she could tag along. Said she loved Robbie and thought seeing him would cheer her up. I didn’t see anything wrong with that, so I brought her with me.”

  He let out another sigh, but this time, it quivered when he released it.

  “I pulled up out front of his daycare and left the engine running. I told Hayley to stay in the car, that I was gonna run in, grab Robbie, and be right out. She was fine with that and turned the music up when I jumped out. I wasn’t gone more than four or five minutes, but when I came out, Hayley was gone, and the driver’s door was wide open. With Robbie in my arms, I called out her name and looked around, but I couldn’t find her.

  “Robbie was tired and hungry and getting cranky, so I opened the backdoor and started to strap him into his car seat. But that fucking thing always gave me a hard time, and I struggled to latch it correctly. That’s when I felt the car jiggle and heard the door slam shut. I glanced up, and there was Hayley, behind the wheel. I told her I’d drive since she wasn’t insured on my car. But she didn’t even acknowledge me. She just faced front and slipped the car into to drive.

  “It started to roll forward, and I still hadn’t latched Robbie in, so I yelled for her to stop. But it was like she was in a trance or something. I panicked as the car sped up, and I tried to hang on, but I slipped out just as Hayley stomped on the gas. The car took off with the backdoor still open and Robbie loose in his seat. I limped after them, screaming for her to stop. Please, God, stop! But…she didn’t, and I couldn’t keep up. She weaved in and out of traffic. I could hear the engine racing, then a loud crash as she ran head-on into a telephone pole.”

  With a gasp, I covered my mouth with my hands. “Oh my God, Sean. I’m so sorry. That’s so…God…that’s so horrible.”

  He sat there staring out the window, no expression on his face. Just…nothing. Nothing at all. Completely detached. I suppose that was how he dealt with it. Anything more would be too real, too painful. Too much to bear.

  “I limped all the way up the street,” he continued. “The car was smoking and hissing, the radiator spewing hot water everywhere. I smelled the gasoline before I actually saw it. People had started to gather around the car, some crying, others pointing, one or two on their cellphones, calling for help. As I approached, I screamed Robbie’s name, but he didn’t answer. When I finally reached the car, I looked in the back, but Robbie’s car seat was gone. I screamed, ‘No!’ and moved to the front. His seat was crumpled into the battered dash, wedged in between the front seats. I didn’t even look to see how Hayley was. Honestly, at that moment, I didn’t care. All I cared about was getting Robbie free.

  “I tugged at the car seat as a few of the bystanders yelled at me, warning I might cause greater injury and to wait for the fire department. I said, ‘Can’t you smell the gas?’ and they all looked down under the car then backed away, afraid. I was terrified the car would blow up any second. There was smoke, so obviously there was fire smoldering somewhere.

  “I didn’t have much time. I yelled for help, but everyone was too concerned about saving their own ass. So I jumped in the back and pulled Robbie’s car seat until it finally came free, and Robbie along with it. I scooted out backwards, away from the car, and five seconds later,
flames shot out from under the hood. I slid Robbie as far away as I could and watched the fire jump from the engine into the front seat. That’s when I heard a scream and saw Hayley flailing around. But it was too late. The car was fully engulfed, and all anyone could do was stand there and listen to Hayley as she burned to death.”

  I sat there for a moment, staring at Sean as he gazed out the window. An involuntary gush of air escaped my lungs. But there were no words. I was struck completely dumb. Dazed and bewildered. Sean had said he was responsible, that it was his fault Robbie would never walk again. He couldn’t be more wrong. He’d done everything right. There was no way to predict Hayley’s behavior, that she’d completely go off the deep end. But how do you adequately explain that to someone? He’d lived with the guilt for several years. It was a fact of life for him. God, I wished I could make him see how wrong that was, that it wasn’t his burden to bear.

  “Sean—” I started, but was cut off when he raised his hand and waved it around, as if to dismiss whatever condolences I was about to offer.

  “There’s nothing you can say that will change anything, Eden. Fact is, Robbie’s spinal cord was severed when I pulled his seat free and dragged him from the car. He was injured in the accident, yes, but I crippled him in my rush to free him. Part of me thinks I should’ve listened when those people told me to wait for the fire department, or better yet, focused on putting out the fire myself.”

  I laid my hand on Sean’s foot. “But, from what you’ve told me, it sounds like it happened too fast, and Robbie would have burned to death along with Hayley. You absolutely did the right thing, Sean. Better he’s paralyzed than to have suffered such a horrendous death. You have to know that. Seriously.”