by Bryan Bliss
“Did Annie make more garlic bread?” Petey asked Toby.
“No,” Toby said.
“I love garlic bread,” Jack-Jack said.
“I know,” Toby said.
Petey paused and then said, “Because she said she was going to make more garlic bread.”
“Have you seen Annie here?” Toby snapped.
Luke leaned his head out from the kitchen and shot Toby a dirty look. Toby stood up and walked into the kitchen, starting to get plates down from the cupboard. He stopped at four and looked at Luke.
“Should I get one down for Annie?” he asked.
“I don’t know if she’s coming back or not,” Luke said.
Toby reached and took down another plate, putting it with the others as Luke began spooning noodles onto the boys’ plates. All Toby wanted was for everything to fit together. He wanted Luke and Lily to fit into the same equation. He closed his eyes, trying to force the exhaustion out of his body.
“I should apologize to the boys,” he said, pushing himself away from the counter. “I was a dick.”
“Hold up,” Luke said. Toby readied himself, but Luke looked just as tired as he did. When he called for the twins, they snatched the plates, nearly throwing the noodles on the wall in the process.
“Slow down,” Luke said.
Once Petey and Jack-Jack were in front of the television again, Luke said, “At least tell me you get how this looks on my side.”
With great effort, Toby nodded. “Okay, fine. But when have I ever done anything wrong? When have I ever done anything I wasn’t supposed to do? I just . . .”
He wanted to cut to the center. To wear Luke down until he finally—even begrudgingly—agreed that Lily wasn’t bad news. Toby had known him long enough to believe that Luke wanted him to be happy.
So he looked Luke right in the eye and dropped all the bullshit, all the subtext.
“I like her. I like her a lot,” Toby said. “And if you don’t get that, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do. Okay?”
Luke made a plate of spaghetti and handed it to Toby. For a second, he didn’t think Luke was going to respond.
“It’s probably too late to invite Lily over for spaghetti,” Luke said.
Toby didn’t immediately register what Luke was saying. And in fact, his body stiffened at hearing Luke actually say her name. But when he searched Luke’s face, his entire body relaxed for a second, and he smiled.
“Well, I don’t think she’s happy with me right now.”
He could tell Luke was trying hard to keep it light and conversational. “So you’ve already pissed her off. That’s probably a good sign.”
Toby chuckled and took a bite of spaghetti. “She told me to leave her alone this weekend. I want to say it’s because she needs time to recuperate. But, shit, I tried calling her like ten times last night, and she’s either ignoring me or wasn’t home.”
Luke was obviously swallowing back so many things he wanted to say. He looked like he was trying to keep a live fish in his mouth. But to his credit, he nodded and smiled as Toby talked.
“Did you ask her to come to my match tomorrow?” Luke asked, the words quick and practiced. He’d probably been building up to this for fifteen minutes.
When Toby mentioned it before, it had kind of slipped out. A way to extend the night in another way. But in all honesty, a wrestling match was the perfect opportunity for Luke to meet Lily. It required the very barest amount of commitment or expectation. Luke would jog over sometime before the match and be as pleasant as possible. And then he would lose himself to the routine, the way he always did. That would leave Toby and Lily in the bleachers, watching. Their legs touching. Whispering in each other’s ears.
Jack-Jack and Petey ran to the kitchen, dumping their empty plates into the sink with a loud clatter. Luke yelled at them to scrape the noodles off, but they were already wrestling on the floor of the living room.
“I need to get them out of the apartment,” Luke said, grabbing the plates.
Toby watched them roll around on the floor, laughing together. Jack-Jack was just a hair bigger than Petey, but he didn’t use it to his advantage. If anything, he’d let Petey take control just long enough to feel good about himself.
Toby had an idea.
“Do you guys want to see something really cool?” he asked.
Both Jack-Jack and Petey stopped. They’d only recently learned that “cool” was a category they should pay attention to. And while they didn’t quite understand what made something cool—Petey especially seemed to struggle with this, pulling a spoon out of the drawer and spending fifteen minutes fawning about how cool it was—they found the entire idea irresistible.
Luke’s face was just as confused as the kids.
“Get your jackets,” Toby said.
The boys didn’t see the plane at first and were ecstatic just to be in the woods. They had stick swords and pinecone grenades and ran as fast as they could through the trees. Every so often, Luke would tell them to slow down. But eventually he gave up and let them run. Toby was content watching them fly around, the anticipation building in his own mind. Hoping it would conjure the same magic for them.
When the twins burst into the clearing that held the plane, they both froze.
“Holy shit,” Petey said, immediately turning to Luke with an apologetic look on his face.
“It’s fine,” he said. “That’s how we felt when we found it. Right?”
Toby nodded. “Go check it out.”
The boys charged for the plane, jumping onto what was left of the nose and raising their sticks into the air like victorious knights. He and Luke hadn’t been much older than Petey and Jack-Jack when they found it, not really. They were so damn scared that it wouldn’t be there the next time they came to the woods. Or that some older kids would show up and claim it.
The boys screamed with laughter, trying to chase each other down as they popped through holes in the body of the plane. As he watched, Toby hoped Petey and Jack-Jack would come back to the plane on their own someday.
“Maybe they can fix it up,” Toby said to Luke, shaking his head. “Jesus, how stupid were we?”
“It wasn’t stupid,” Luke said.
Suddenly Toby felt bad for saying it. Because he still wished they could piece it together too. He imagined them in the air, the wind attacking their hair. The way the ground would get smaller and smaller until it disappeared completely.
“You know I want you to come to Iowa, right?” Luke said.
Toby watched the boys without answering. It didn’t solve the problem, but Luke was trying. “Yeah, I know. Did you really ask Annie?”
They’d always been perfect as two. But once they left North Carolina, everything could change. They could expand. Remake their lives in whatever way they wanted. It was exciting and terrifying and it shot through Toby like lightning.
“Yeah,” Luke said. “But I don’t know if she’s going to come.”
“You realize there will be all kinds of fine-ass women on that campus,” Toby said. “Right?”
Luke gave him a dirty look.
“I’m just saying—if she doesn’t go, you will be okay.”
Even as he said it, Toby’s mind shot to Lily. He wanted to apply the same logic, the same trajectory, to his own future life in Iowa. But whenever he tried, the sound of the phone ringing endlessly played in his ears. The way she looked at him, as if she’d made a huge mistake, played across his eyes.
“You okay?” Luke asked.
Toby shook himself. “Yeah, man. Yeah.”
The boys ran around the plane. Jack-Jack shouted some sort of command at Petey and they both shot into the woods to gather more sticks for whatever game they were playing.
“I’ve been an asshole about Lily,” Luke said, surprising Toby.
All Toby could say was, “A huge asshole.”
Luke nodded once, as if he wasn’t expecting confirmation. “Anyway. I need you to promise me you won�
�t go back to the Deuce.”
The twins came roaring back into the clearing, laughing as they jumped into the body of the plane like there were incoming missiles. Jack-Jack peeked his head up before immediately dropping back down.
“What reason do I have to ever go back to the Deuce?” Toby said.
“Seriously, T. There’s nothing good about that place.”
Toby didn’t particularly want to hang out in a bar with his dad or Bo. He didn’t want to lose every night to neon beer signs and stories that were never as funny to the people who were hearing them. But he also didn’t want to have to keep proving his integrity to Luke. At some point, Luke had to trust him.
Still, it was an easy promise to make.
“You’ll never see me in there again,” Toby said.
January 27
T—
Sister came by my cell today, wanting to know how I was doing.
I was like, “I’m good. You know.”
“Marilyn said you had a lot of questions,” she said.
I shrugged her off. I didn’t want to talk about Eddie. Or about what was going to happen—not right then. Of course Sister never lets anybody get away with that shit.
She kept saying, “It’s okay to be upset. Eddie is a great person.”
And I’d immediately be all, “I’m not upset.”
Because if you don’t double down, you’re a punk. If you don’t keep yourself bulletproof, you’ll get shot. Sometimes when I’m doing it, I know it isn’t right. But I honestly don’t know how else to be. It’s like I’ve become this whole other person. Grown a new skin that I can’t seem to shed.
Anyway, Sister has heard it all before. But this time, she didn’t come at me hard the way she normally does. She looked down into her lap.
“Nobody thought I should be here. Chaplain Cortes didn’t want me here. My parents. And the prison definitely didn’t want me here. But this is where I’m called. Do you know the number one thing I’ve learned doing this?”
I wanted to make a joke. Something like, “How many places a dude can hide contraband?” Something like that. But she looked dead serious, man. And honestly, I don’t want to joke about Eddie. Any of this.
So I said, “I’m sure you’ve learned a lot of cuss words they don’t use up in the convent.”
That made Sister laugh. “Well, this might surprise you, but I have been known to say a choice word from time to time. And I don’t live in a convent.”
T, I’m not going to lie. Thinking about Sister cussing some dude out got my mind turning.
For real, man. I thought I had her. She was smiling. Shaking her head. I thought she was going to bust out a story about her cussing out some priest. I didn’t even know. And the more I thought about it, the more it started to work its way inside me. Like when we were kids at school or wherever, and some adult told us to be quiet. Don’t laugh! So of course every damn thing cracked us up.
I couldn’t hold it. I started laughing my ass off. Pretty soon, Sister was laughing too, and I couldn’t even tell you why. But it felt like something was leaving my body. When we got done, my stomach hurt. Sister must’ve felt the same way, because she looked happy in a way I hadn’t seen in a while.
It took a second, but she eventually got back her Sister eyes. Staring right into me until I had to look away. When she started talking, it was all about how nobody is defined by any one thing they’ve done in their life. There are no best or worst moments. It’s all a part of a long line that continues and continues and continues. She must’ve realized she was losing me, because she smiled and said, “That’s what I learned when I came here. Every single person has worth. Every single person is capable of shocking transformation.”
I like the idea that we’re a part of a long line, T. I can’t even really say why, except that it makes me feel connected to something. But everything else she was talking about? How there’s always a second chance? I don’t know that I believe that. There are certain things that you cannot come back from. You and I—more than anybody else in the entire world—know that. There are some things you can’t take back. There are some things you should pay for.
So I was like, “Sister, I don’t believe that.”
To her credit, she didn’t try to convince me.
All she said was, “We will have to disagree for now.”
Luke
23
LUKE carried both the boys back to the apartment, his arms burning by the time they climbed the steps, and he set them on the couch. The boys turned, trying to get comfortable, and finally settled. Luke put a blanket on top of them and walked into the kitchen. Toby was hanging up the phone.
There was an awkward moment when Luke had to rewire the connection between his brain and his mouth. To fight back—or maybe just redirect—his feelings about Lily. He still didn’t trust her, but maybe that would come? How long that would take, he couldn’t say.
Toby watched him like he was reading a transcript of everything going through his head.
“I won’t call her again,” Toby said.
“Dude, I don’t care.”
Toby opened his mouth but closed it quickly. It took barely a second for him to decide not to fight. “Any word from Annie?”
Luke looked toward the front door, as if she had only been waiting for an invitation to walk back into the apartment. “I thought about walking down there. I don’t want to get her in trouble.”
Toby scoffed. “C’mon, what is that guy going to do? Hit you with his travel mug? Go down there and tell her you’re going through withdrawal.”
Toby made a lewd gesture, and Luke turned away.
“I don’t know. What do I even say?”
They were getting comfortable again, Luke could feel it. Especially when Toby sighed heavily and pulled a plate down from the cupboard and started spooning cold spaghetti onto it. He moved efficiently, a learned behavior that wasted no movement. That allowed him to accomplish his task as quickly as possible. Always leaving time to escape if the temperature in the room changed.
He covered the plate with foil and shoved it into Luke’s hands.
“Take her this. Tell her you were worried she might waste away. She might jump you right there on the landing.”
Luke was unsure. But when Toby pushed him toward the door, he couldn’t deny the thrill of anticipation. And it had nothing to do with Toby’s perverted idea of how the world works. It would be enough to see her, even for a moment.
Luke forced himself to walk down the stairs; the only thing that kept him from running was the plate in his hands.
He knocked, and at first, nobody answered. The next few seconds were endless and brought about an unexpected dilemma. If he knocked again, he might wake up David. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t get to see Annie. And he’d have risked getting her in trouble for nothing.
His fist still hovered over the door when he heard the deadbolt slowly unlatch.
The door cracked open, and Annie whispered, “Wait one second.”
Inside, the glow from the television lit the walls as newscasters droned on, their voices interrupted by a subtle snoring every few seconds. A moment later, Annie was standing in front of him.
“Hey . . . what are you doing?” She looked nervous, perhaps amused. She wrapped her arms around her body and Luke wanted to pull her close—to make her warm. When she saw the plate of food, her face changed and she smiled at Luke.
“Did you make more spaghetti?”
Luke was so bad at this. The first thing he thought was, should he have made something different? Was it weird to bring her a plate of food? Even the foil on top made him feel sheepish.
“The boys were hungry. I probably should’ve asked before I cooked your stuff.”
Annie gave him a look, shaking her head. “No, it’s totally sweet. Thank you.”
Luke leaned forward to give her a kiss and she stepped back, looking to the apartment. His face tightened, and he could already feel the warning sirens starting u
p inside his body. He’d messed up.
Annie put a hand on his forearm.
“Hey, it’s not you,” she said, squeezing. “I want to make sure I introduce you to David in the right way. And that’s not just after he’s gotten off the road. And it’s definitely not him catching us making out on the landing. Okay?”
Luke still felt a little foolish, but he nodded. Annie looked back at the apartment one more time and—with an air of urgency—leaned forward and kissed Luke hard. It only lasted a second, maybe two, but Luke was spinning when she pulled away and wiped her lips.
“I’ll see you tomorrow at school.”
“Maybe we can see if the janitor’s closet is open,” Luke said.
Annie chirped out a laugh, covering her mouth and looking back at the apartment. Before she turned around, she took the plate from him and winked.
The kiss powered the rest of the night. It was like a dream, but one that moved too slowly. He wanted the evening to burn away. The night to go twice as fast. He didn’t even realize he’d fallen asleep until he heard his mom laughing and saw the early morning sun lighting the apartment.
The door flew open. Ricky carried Doreen across the threshold as they laughed and kissed sloppily.
Luke thought, oh hell no.
“Wake up!” Doreen said, laughing out a scream as Ricky dropped her onto her feet. “We’ve got news!”
Ricky looked as if he’d been up for a month straight. A rash of stubble was on his chin and his eyes were bloodshot. Doreen didn’t look much better, but the exuberance of her entry was enough to overshadow any haggardness.
She held out her hand and showed a gaudy ring. Toby yawned, nodding. Luke didn’t say a word.
“This was the surprise!” Doreen said. “Ricky and I went to Gatlinburg, and well, we got married!”
“The Get ’Er Done package,” Ricky confirmed.
When the boys came running into the room, Doreen went through the whole production again. Luke could tell the boys weren’t sure if they were supposed to be happy or not. Was Ricky their dad now? They looked at Luke and then back to Doreen and finally to Ricky, who was ready to drop.