by Bryan Bliss
“Nobody’s going to school today,” Doreen said. “You neither, Toby. We’re celebrating. What do you guys think about . . . Chuck E. Cheese?”
The twins tackled each other with excitement.
“I can’t skip school,” Luke said.
Doreen was still smiling at the boys, so she didn’t hear him at first. Luke tapped her on the shoulder. “I have Herrera tonight.”
“Oh, well. Afterward, then. Maybe we can all go out for a fancy dinner?” Doreen said. “We can celebrate two things.”
She reached out and hugged Luke. Normally, he’d jump back, but she came at him with such conviction, such force, that he couldn’t get away in time. And once she had her arms around him, he did the same. Luke felt like a kid again. Like he should be on the floor with Jack-Jack and Petey, lost in the excitement.
He coughed and said, “I’m going to get ready for school.”
As Luke was walking out of the room, Toby said, “If we go to Chuck E. Cheese, can we get game tokens?”
24
DOREEN and Ricky were in the bedroom, getting the boys ready for the day’s adventure, and Luke was in the shower. Toby picked up the receiver and dialed Lily’s number, which he had already committed to memory. This time it was busy. He hung up and dialed again—busy. He had started dialing her number one more time when he heard Luke open the door to the bathroom. He quietly put the phone back on the receiver and pretended to be looking for breakfast.
“Hey,” Luke said.
“Hey.”
Luke was pulling on a shirt, staring at Toby. “You look like you’re going to be sick.”
Toby tried to play it off. “I’m fine. Still trying to wrap my head around Doreen getting married. At least Ricky is a good guy. Oh, wait.”
He knew Luke wasn’t ready to laugh about this, but Toby needed a distraction. And maybe Luke did too.
“What do you think his mom will say about this? Will there be room in his twin bed?”
It worked. Luke was trying not to laugh. For a second, Toby was transported back to the easy familiarity he didn’t have anywhere else in his life. Even Luke didn’t have the clenched asshole look he’d been carrying for the past week. Hell, the past three years.
“I’ll go right after school and get Lily,” he said, watching for any flicker of annoyance. But all Luke did was nod, still smiling about Ricky’s bed.
And for a second—maybe for the first time—Toby got a glimpse of the future. It was him and Lily, Luke and Annie. Maybe they lived in the same apartment, but maybe they didn’t. Maybe it was down the road, just a stone’s throw away. For so long, they would’ve called it growing apart. But maybe it was just growing.
“And then we’re going to watch you going to put a hurting on Herrera,” Toby said. “I want to make sure that Lily sees peak Luke.”
“I’ll try my best,” Luke said.
“Let me see your killer face,” Toby said, turning to Luke.
Luke shook his head. “You’re an idiot.”
“C’mon, I want to see the face you’re going to give Herrera when he steps out on that mat.” Toby opened his mouth into a snarl and gave Luke the crazy eyes. “Your killer face.”
“First, that is not what I look like,” Luke said, laughing. “And god, I don’t need a face.”
“Well . . .” Toby shrugged. “Don’t say I didn’t try to help you.”
Luke glanced back to the bedroom. The boys were loud enough they could hear every word, breathless and excited for a day of adventures. Toby reached out and flicked Luke’s arm, trying to distract him.
“You think I should stick around for the entire school day?”
“Not funny,” Luke said.
Toby put three fingers against his temple.
“Scout’s honor. I may not even go to lunch, because that might be too fun.”
Luke sighed and said, “You can go to lunch.”
“Oh, wow. Thanks. Can I really?”
Luke gave him a dirty look, and Toby laughed.
Toby walked to his first class and sat down at the desk. Tyler Simpson and his friends came in and immediately started laughing and pointing at Toby. He ignored them, ignored the stage-whispered “his dad” and “look at his face” comments that slowly disappeared once the room began to fill.
Eventually Mr. Geiger, the English teacher, came in and started talking. Toby blocked everything else out until the intercom crackled and the office assistant’s voice broke into the classroom. Toby sat up in his seat, sure she was going to say his name. Instead, it was Tyler’s mom, bringing him his lunch. It got some hoots and hollers, which Toby enjoyed, but once Tyler was gone and the class had settled back down, the disappointment snuck in.
Toby sat on the edge of his desk the rest of the class. Despite what he had said to Luke, he was waiting for Lily to come with a new story, maybe a disguise this time, that would spring him for a few periods. He’d be back before Luke ever knew he was gone.
But the intercom never came back to life, and as soon as the bell rang, Toby ran to the office.
“I need to call my . . . cousin,” Toby said, wishing it was Mr. Townsend and not the suspicious office aide sitting at the desk. Since everybody else had a cell phone, the only people who went to the office were usually in some kind of dire situation. The aide eventually nodded and turned the phone around for Toby to use.
He dialed the number, and it immediately went busy. He clicked the receiver and dialed again, smiling over at the aide.
“Sometimes she can’t hear the phone over all her cats,” Toby said, laughing even though it got no reaction.
Busy.
When he tried to dial a third time, the woman stopped him. “Shouldn’t you be going to class?”
Toby could run out the doors right now, and nobody would likely say a damn thing. If it wasn’t for Luke, he might’ve done it too. He looked at the office worker and forced a pleasant tone.
“I’ll try again next period.”
And he did. He came back after every class, dialing and cussing under his breath. How could a simple beep be so frustrating? By the time he walked into the cafeteria, Toby was wearing his disappointment on his face, his sleeve—anywhere it would fit. Luke and Annie were sitting face to face, as if they’d just been making out. Toby hoped they hadn’t been making out.
“Get a room,” he said as he sat down.
Luke recognized that he was upset immediately, but Annie fired right back.
“We might. But we need a cameraman. Interested?”
That might’ve been the only thing that could’ve drawn Luke’s attention away from Toby’s moping. He looked horrified, which would normally be enough for Toby to ratchet it up another level—asking about lubrication or whether he needed to wear a smock for the filming—but he set his books down and went to get a tray of food instead.
When he got back, both Annie and Luke were staring at him.
“What’s wrong with you?” Luke asked, not unkindly.
Toby waved his concerns away. “Nothing. I was just being a dick. Did you see this pizza they’re serving?”
Annie pointed to Luke’s plate, which was just a collection of carrots and apple slices. “Somebody is back to worrying about his figure. A little too much spaghetti this weekend?”
Luke laughed uncomfortably. “I already weighed myself three times. I’m fine.”
Annie looked at Luke like he was crazy and then to Toby for support. “Yeah. That’s totally normal.”
The rest of lunch went much the same way. He could still see people looking at him, at the cuts and bruises on his face. Normally it would make him self-conscious, enough that he’d skip out of lunch and go sit in an empty hallway. Or maybe find a teacher to chat up. But the entire cafeteria, the conversation he was having with Luke and Annie, felt like they were happening to somebody else.
When the bell rang, Annie gave Luke a kiss and hustled out of the cafeteria. Toby was about to follow her when Luke called his name and jogge
d to catch up.
“You sure you’re okay?” he asked.
People liked to ask this question, especially adults. Most of them didn’t want the real answer, or at least they didn’t want to deal with the complications. Luke usually was different. And while Toby knew he cared, he knew Luke didn’t want to hear about the wildfire spreading inside of Toby right now. Telling him to kick through the front doors and drive his El Camino straight to Lily’s house.
Luke didn’t want to hear any of that, so Toby smiled. Waved his friend off. And then he walked away.
As soon as the final bell rang, Toby ran to the parking lot and jumped in his car. He nearly killed a group of sophomores who, as he sped by, cussed and raised their fingers into the air. He was on the road before a second car had even pulled out of its space, but he waited to really hit the gas until he passed the old sheriff’s deputy who cherry-picked speeding tickets off kids who didn’t know or momentarily forgot where he sat every afternoon. He gave the man a wave and, once he was out of sight, gunned the engine.
When he pulled into Lily’s driveway, the house was dark. On the front porch, there was a bag of trash. Toby shot out of the car and hammered on her door. He jumped from foot to foot as he waited, every drop of expectation he’d stored inside throughout the day coming out.
Lily opened the door, her hair wild and her eyes half closed.
“Toby? What—” she looked behind her and closed the door a little. “What are you doing here?”
“I’ve been trying to call you since yesterday. Can I come in?”
She looked into the house again and, with a sigh, nodded. “Yeah, yeah. Come on.”
Toby pushed through the door and did a double take immediately. There were beer bottles everywhere. An ashtray of used butts was emptied on the coffee table. The room smelled like Luke after a match. Lily fixed the cushions on the couch, wiping away some chip crumbs, and told him to sit down. In the kitchen, the phone was off the hook.
“What the hell happened here?”
“I had a little party. Kind of.” Her words were choppy, and she rubbed her temples as she spoke. “I’m sorry, I have a massive headache.”
Toby looked around. It looked like the sort of post-bender scene that only lived in movies. He half expected somebody to come stumbling out of one of the closets, a nerd who had snuck in when nobody was looking. The quarterback, fresh off a make-out session with a band geek. In the far corner of the room, he saw stacks of cigarette boxes.
He didn’t want the betrayal to grab him the way it did. He didn’t want to feel like the only kid not invited. But he did.
“You should’ve called me,” Toby said, keeping it so damn chipper it sounded like he was reading a greeting card. “I’m great at parties.”
“Next time,” Lily said quietly. “Anyway, what’s up?”
Who came to this party? Why did she have it? He could probably piece together why she hadn’t called. Why the phone was off the hook. But he didn’t ask. Instead, he reached for her hands, which she reluctantly let him take.
“Listen, I have an idea,” he said. He’d never been this nervous in his entire life. “You can come to Iowa with me and Luke. And Annie, I guess. But whatever—it’s perfect. Cheap. Closer than Seattle. And then you don’t have to worry about the cigarettes or anything.”
Lily coughed and rubbed her eyes. When she looked at Toby, her eyes red and unfocused, she said, “This is going to require coffee. Can you give me a minute?”
Toby waited as Lily looked for coffee, then filters. He waited as the machine warmed up and slowly began dripping into the glass carafe. When she poured the first cup and stood across from him at the kitchen island, already looking more awake, Toby dove back in.
“So what do you think?”
She took a long drink. “I think you’re making a mistake.”
Toby deflated. She stared out the window, still talking.
“You don’t want me to come to Iowa,” she said. “This is your chance to break away. To start over. And you have to take it.”
Toby still couldn’t say anything. What did he care about breaking away? He’d seen the future clearly. And that was him and her in Iowa. Figuring it out and forgetting this place together.
“What if I said I didn’t want to go without you?”
Toby assumed that would get a positive reaction, either tears or an emotionally charged smile. She’d walk around the kitchen island and pull him close as they kissed.
Instead she put the cup down hard. “Then I’d say you’re an idiot.”
“Why are you doing this?” Toby asked.
She opened her mouth and then dropped her head back as if she were searching for an answer somewhere on the ceiling. When she looked back at him, she smiled weakly.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t—I’ve had a lot of fun with you. And if we were in a different situation, maybe it would work. But . . .”
She shrugged, and it destroyed Toby.
“Oh my god. You must think I’m a total asshole,” he said.
He wanted to walk away, to make a dramatic exit, but he couldn’t move. He was frozen by embarrassment.
Lily walked around the island. “I don’t think you’re an asshole.”
“Yes you do. How could you not? Like you were ever going to come with me. I’m a total asshole.”
“Toby, please. I promise I—” She stopped and rubbed her temples. “I didn’t know we were going to end up . . .”
He wanted her to say it, to put some kind of label on whatever it is they’d been doing the past week. Dating? Or were they just friends, friends who could get naked together in the back of a pickup? Because now all of his emotions were knotted together.
She took both of his hands. “I didn’t know you were going to be totally awesome.”
She was smiling, trying to charm him. But it shouldn’t be so easy.
“I wish you’d never brought me here,” he said quietly.
Lily let go of him, and they stood across from each other for a moment. Then she sighed and walked into the living room, falling onto the couch. She laughed bitterly as Toby sat down next to her.
“You’re right,” she said, her entire attitude changing. Suddenly looking just as wrecked as Toby. “But . . . I used to be you. I used to be in that fucking bar and nobody—nobody—watched out for me. You wouldn’t believe some of the shit I did. Shit I’m still repeating. I guess I thought I could help you.”
“You did help me,” Toby said. “And that’s why I’m here. You could break free too. Start over. In Iowa.”
He threw his arms out, announcing a state neither of them had been to with the sort of flair reserved for the circus and late-night infomercials. Jazz hands and everything. Lily laughed, wiping her eyes.
“You’re so different from your dad. You know that, right?”
It surprised Toby, not because he didn’t know—he’d spent his entire life trying to be different. Instead, it was realizing that, maybe, after years and years of trying, he’d finally outrun DNA and come out on the other side.
He leaned forward and kissed her. In the two, three seconds it lasted, the world seemed different.
Lily looked down at her lap, still smiling, but it wasn’t as bright. As if she was deciding something important. When she looked up, she kissed Toby back. And then she straddled him, taking off her shirt and directing his mouth to her neck. Her shoulders.
When they finished, Toby sat on the couch both shocked and ecstatic. Lily jumped up and hurried to the bathroom. She was gone long enough that Toby got dressed and thought about knocking to make sure she was okay.
A few minutes later, she came out and started buzzing around the house, picking up wrappers and bottles. Barely looking at Toby as she cleaned. He stood to help and, without a glance, she tried to hand him a garbage bag. He took her hand instead.
“Did I do something?”
“What, no? Of course not. I just need to clean the house.”
The words w
ere a staccato blur, and with every one of them, she tried to pull away. Toby tried to catch her eye, but she was intent on avoiding him.
“We didn’t have to do that. That’s not why I came over.”
“Then why did you come over?” she said.
“I wanted you to come to Luke’s match,” Toby said. “And Iowa. As previously stated.”
“I’m supposed to drop something off at the Deuce. And the house is a wreck. I can’t leave it like this, in case somebody from the church comes over.”
“Sin all over the place,” Toby said, picking up a bottle and wagging it in her direction. He’d intended it to be funny, but she finally pulled away and began cleaning up like it would solve world hunger.
He watched her for a few seconds, hoping she’d stop. When she didn’t, he picked up a garbage bag and helped. It took less than an hour to get the house back in order, and it couldn’t come soon enough for Toby. He gathered the bags and carried them to the trash cans behind the house. When he came back inside, Lily was hanging up the phone.
“So what do you think?” Toby said. “Wanna go watch some guys in tight clothing?”
“I’m already late,” she said. “Could I meet you afterward?”
Toby didn’t want to let her out of his sight, even if it meant going back on his promise to Luke. He smiled.
“It’s just the Deuce,” Toby said. “I’ll take you. You do whatever it is you need to do with the cigarettes, and then we’ll go to the match.”
When he said “cigarettes,” she flinched. She started shaking her head, but Toby wasn’t having it. They would be in and out, quicker than you could say his name.
“That way I don’t lose you.”
Lily hesitated for a moment before finally nodding.
January 28
T—
The next time I went outside, I didn’t think I’d see Eddie—not to mention play ball. So I was surprised to see a bunch of dudes standing around him on the court. The first thing I thought was he was about to get jumped, so I ran over, ready to do whatever needed to be done. As soon as I hit the court, Eddie looked up and started clapping.