by Bianca Vix
“Yeah. Sure.” I shift around in my chair, suddenly uncomfortable. “I was also holding back because I’d ended another relationship not too long before I started at FV. She and I both knew it was over, but it took some time for us to detach.”
“She?” Maiya sits upright. “You were involved with a woman?”
“Yup. Does that surprise you?”
She takes another bite of her cookie. “Well, yes. It does. I figured you were gay. I mean, it’s not exactly an out-there idea. You’re living with Ryan, after all.”
“Fair enough. But no, I’m bi. Always have been.”
“So you’ve been with women and men.”
“That’s right.” Maiya’s gazing at me in a way she never has before. I meet her gaze head on. “Does that bother you?”
“No, of course not. I just didn’t expect it, is all.”
I can’t work out what she’s thinking. Her dark eyes give nothing away. “That’s good. I wouldn’t want to put you off in any way.”
“You could never do that.”
There’s something different in her voice. I clear my throat and glance at my phone to check the time. “I’m glad we did this, Maiya. It was great to spend some more time with you. But I have to get going.”
“Me too. I mean, this was nice. Talking to you, about everything.”
I walk her to the door, then turn around to head back upstairs and straight to the gym. My mind’s still on Maiya. She’s great. Beautiful. Interesting.
There’s something about her that makes me want to get to know her better. I want to memorize every little thing about her. I can’t help but picture the way she brushed a stray crumb from her lips. Those thick, full lips. The ones that I can imagine doing a whole lot of other things too.
I check my phone before I set it aside. I don’t like to be interrupted by anything when I’m going hard in a cardio session, but Ryan said he was hoping we could go out for a late dinner tonight.
There’s nothing from him.
Not a word.
Chapter 7
Josh
Sunday evening. Ryan and I were supposed to go to a game today. He bailed at the last minute.
Shocker.
I’m not surprised. Not exactly. But of all days, I figured Sunday was the best chance I had of finally getting to spend time with Ryan. He’s as big of a baseball fan as I am, too. I’ve been looking forward to a fun, leisurely Sunday all week. A few beers and a meal at a pub after the game. An early night that doesn’t involve a lot of sleep.
And once again, it was his fucking idea.
I managed to call on a friend even at the last minute, someone who’d never say no to an extra ticket to see our best team in action. Someone who’d rearrange his plans to come along, because it’s important to him.
So I’ve had my relaxing day with a friend instead of Ryan. It was fun. It would have been a hell of a lot more fun if I hadn’t been bothered by the fact that my boyfriend should’ve been with me instead. At least I managed to chase those thoughts away. Most of the time.
Now that I’m riding the subway to get home, I can’t avoid it any longer. The way Ryan’s been acting has become the norm, not the exception. I get that it’s taking a lot of time and effort to get the expansion of FV going. I do. But I’ve already spent way too much time living like this.
And the worst part is, he won’t even admit to what he’s doing. If Ryan came right out and said that he won’t have any time for me, that’d be one thing. I could live with that.
Probably.
But he keeps making plans and breaking them. It’s unbearable. It’s not what I signed up for. And it started happening almost right from the time we first moved in together. Hell, I feel like I saw him more when we lived across town from each other.
It’s ridiculous. And I keep going back to what Maiya told me about her ex. All I could think about was that the guy sure didn’t sound very into his own relationship. And now I can’t help but compare that to Ryan.
There’s no real difference.
Ryan has a good reason, sure, but the end result is the same. He and I might as well be roommates in college with totally different schedules.
So what’s the point?
I unlock the door to our condo. It’s dead quiet.
“Lucy.” She appears from around the corner, running at me as if I’m the only person in the world she wants to see.
After a lot of petting, she follows me to the living room. All I can do is collapse on the sofa and click the TV on. Lucy flops half on top of me, but changes her mind and takes off as I flick halfheartedly through the list of shows. I don’t care what’s on. Just walking through the door sucked all the energy right out of me.
I choose a movie without even reading the description for it. It’s still early. Surely Ryan will be back soon and we can talk this out somehow.
I wake up to an explosion on the screen. The movie’s at least three quarters in and I don’t remember dozing off. I must’ve closed my eyes early on, because I can’t remember anything about it. Why do I keep doing this? It’s not normal for me.
Yawning, I stretch out. I can hear Lucy’s nails click against the floor as she runs down the hallway towards the front door. A moment later, it opens. I hear Ryan’s voice as he talks to her.
I don’t get up to go join them.
“Josh, you home?”
“In here.” I sit up and squeeze my eyes shut. I’ve still got that no-energy feeling. The last thing I want to do is talk to Ryan now. Maybe it can wait.
He drops down onto the sofa beside me and leans in for a kiss. “How’s it going?”
I frown. There’s a very distinct taste of beer on him. “Okay. Where were you?”
“We grabbed a quick dinner after our meeting.”
Right. Of course Sherwood would insist on something like that, even on a weekend. I’m sure drinks lasted past dinner. If I didn’t know better, I’d say Sherwood was into Ryan, and this is his way of trying to damage our relationship on purpose. I know that’s not it. There’s some other reason for why Sherwood’s always dominating Ryan’s time. I can’t imagine what it is, but all of this is too extreme to be by accident.
But Ryan’s free to say no sometimes if he wants to. He never does. Hell, he could easily pursue other investors and drop Sherwood completely. That’s certainly an option. And yet he won’t. He’s almost obsessed with keeping Sherwood on board. He’s never told me why.
Now’s his chance.
I rub at my eyes. “You missed a great game.”
“Oh yeah? Damn. Let’s catch the next one then. Everything should be under control by next weekend.” He leans against my shoulder and tries to grab the remote. It’s sitting just out of his reach, but I don’t pass it over to him. “What’re you watching?”
“I don’t know. But this has to stop.”
He’s got his phone out and he’s scrolling through some messages. “What?”
“Ryan.” He glances up at me, caught off guard by my sharp tone. I make a big effort to stay calm. “We need to talk.”
“Okay.” After one more glance, he sets his phone aside and turns his full attention to me. “What’s up?”
I shouldn’t be so relieved over such a simple gesture. One that should be a given. I was doubting whether he’d take a moment to listen to me at all.
“Look, Ryan.” I need to pause and take a long breath. This is upsetting me more than I expected. “I know you’re busy with the FV expansion. I get that it has to take up a lot of your time. I really do. But I hardly see you anymore. And it’s really frustrating when you keep making plans with me, only to break them at the last minute. I don’t want to live like this anymore.”
He blinks as if he’s been caught off guard. My jaw tightens. Is he really so shocked that this is an issue? He’s not stupid. What the hell.
“That doesn’t make sense, Josh. If you get that I don’t have any spare time these days, then how can it bother you?”
A growing flare of irritation rises up inside me. “Yes. I understand the reason for it. But it’s not working for me. If we’re in a relationship, we need to be in one. And the constant cancelling of plans? That’s just so fucking disrespectful.”
I sound angry. I didn’t know I was. Not until now.
Ryan frowns. “You know, I’ve been making plans with you because I thought that’s what you wanted me to do.”
“What I wanted? What I want is to be with you. To spend more than a few minutes in the morning or before we fall asleep. Not for you to go through the motions without anything really happening. And what the hell’s the point of making plans if they never happen? That’s just a waste of my fucking time.”
“Fine. Then I won’t make any more plans with you. Happy now?”
His sarcasm grates on my nerves even more than his attitude. This isn’t the Ryan I know.
“Not the point. Do you want to be with me or not? Because I don’t know what we have anymore, but it’s not any kind of a relationship. Not one I want anyway.”
Ryan’s eyebrows shoot up. “Is that right. Well, this is all I’ve got right now. I need to get the finances locked in within the next two months, or everything else will be significantly delayed. I can’t miss that deadline.”
“But why not? What does it matter if you slow down a little? And not just for me. For yourself too. This kind of pace isn’t good for you to keep up for a long as you have been. It’s your company. Why not change the deadline?”
Ryan breaks eye contact with me, gazing out at the city through the huge picture window before he answers. “Sherwood wants everything in order by then. Or he won’t put up the money.”
Sherwood.
Of course.
“Fuck him. It’s your business and your life. Get another investor.”
“If it was that easy, I would.” Ryan turns back to me. For a brief second, I see something in his eyes that I don’t recognize. Exhaustion? I’m not sure.
“But I can’t. Josh, he’s going to put up all the money I need. If he doesn’t, I’ll have to find several more separate investors and that won’t be easy at all. Not in this economic climate. And especially not at this stage of development. I need to win him over, no matter what it takes.”
I can’t really argue with him on that point. Attracting investors isn’t an area I know anything about. He could be telling me the truth. I want very much to trust him. But something’s off here. I can’t even begin to guess what it is.
“Then I can’t do this. Us.” My voice is flat. Did I really just say that? I don’t want us to end. But at the same time, I know we can’t get past this.
Not anymore.
“We’ve been through this before, Josh. I need you to be patient with me. Isn’t that something you can do?”
Sounds so simple when he puts it like that. But it’s not.
“It’s been too much of this, going on for too long now. I can’t do it anymore, Ryan.”
“Fine.”
What? Without another word, he gets up and stalks out.
That’s when it hits me. Hard, like a hard punch straight to the gut. Ryan’s not going to fight for us. He’d rather walk away than change anything about what’s been going on.
We’re over. Just like that.
Chapter 8
Ryan
“Double scotch rocks.” I lift my glass in the general direction of the bartender. It’s my third one. I shouldn’t have to state my order again, but a new shift must’ve started because there’s a new guy behind the bar.
Smoothly he places the drink in front of me and goes back to flirting with the small group of attractive women sitting a few seats down the bar. Fine with me. The last thing I want is talkative bartender. I picked this place because it’s quiet at this time of night. It’s a short window that’s not easy to find here in Manhattan, but sometimes you can get lucky.
I rarely drink by myself, but today that’s all I was able to think about. Getting through everything I had to do, and then getting the hell out of my office so I could be alone.
I’ve never been so happy that I don’t have to work out of the FV building. I keep an office there, of course. But my main business is run out of one of the many anonymous skyscrapers that make up the downtown skyline. So I don’t need to go anywhere near FV today.
Which is a good thing, since I’m beyond pissed off at Josh. We haven’t spoken since we broke up.
No. That’s not right.
He’s the one who broke us up.
And I still can’t believe it. The only man I’ve ever been in love with left me. How’s that for loyalty?
For fuck’s sake.
I didn’t see it coming. Maybe I should’ve, since this isn’t the first time it’s happened. Josh’s pulled this before, broken up with me twice now. Both times, we got back together in less than a few days.
But that was before we moved in together. It wasn’t as big of a deal, since we weren’t as serious back then. To me, moving in was it. All the commitment we needed. I never thought for an instant that he’d leave. And now, of all times.
I know he has a point. I haven’t been around much at all lately. But Josh of all people should understand what it takes for me to get this venture up and running. If only because I’ve told him about a lot of what’s involved. If you can’t count on your boyfriend to back you up and be there no matter what, then who can you count on?
I slam my empty glass down. I’m about to order another one, but a quick glance around the room and I change my mind. The bar’s starting to fill up now, and that’s my cue to leave. I flash my platinum card to get the bartender’s attention. I want to get out of here. Right now.
I’d like to think that Josh and I will get back together in a couple days. But it’s different this time. I don’t know why, but it feels more permanent now. Maybe it was the way Josh did it. He was so detached. So uncaring. Like he was already over it before we were even over. As if he won’t even miss me.
It’s still early, but fuck it. I’m going home. I came to this place because I didn’t want to be around when Josh stops by to pick up the rest of his stuff, but now I don’t care. I can’t tolerate being in a busy bar. Our place is big enough that I can avoid him.
My place. Just mine now, I guess. Josh moved in with me. We were eventually going to find a new place together, but neither one of us wanted to wait that long so he moved into my penthouse. I had more than enough space, so we weren’t in a rush to leave. We decided to bide our time and move only when we found something even better. It was fun, searching out listings and even checking a few out. One of the things we used to do before I got so busy with the expansion.
It’s dark when I get back. He’s either come and gone already, or he’ll be by later. Whatever. I don’t care.
I call out for Lucy, but there’s no sign of her. Stopping by the liquor cabinet, I grab a bottle of gin and a big glass.
Switching on the lights in the living room, I find Lucy sitting in her favorite corner, her head slumped down on the floor. She gives a whine when she sees me, but she doesn’t get up or come over.
“Fine. Take his side.”
I pour myself a big drink as an annoying thought occurs to me. Technically, Lucy was my dog first. I rescued her right before I met Josh. They got along instantly, and sometimes I think she likes him better than me.
There’s no way Josh would try to claim Lucy as his.
Would he?
He’d better not try. I can’t really see him doing it. But then again, I didn’t see him ending us either. Maybe he’s not who I thought he was.
I’ve never thought of myself as a pet guy. My family never had any animals around when I was growing up. And when I found Lucy that night, I was going to take her to a shelter as soon as I could, which meant on the weekend.
By the time Saturday came around and I was about to load her into my car, I couldn’t do it. On impulse, I decided to keep her. I never decide anything that way. I
always weigh all the options first, then make a careful, measured response. Doing everything that way works for me. Always has.
Yet somehow, deciding to keep Lucy at the last minute was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Funny. I never thought about it like that before.
That was an exception. A lack of planning is no way to go through life. And I’d have failed at every venture I tried if I’d approached business that way. I’ve gone out of my way to keep failure and obstacles out of my life. I wouldn’t trade Lucy for the world. But I can’t run my life on crazy impulsive choices.
I’m halfway through my drink and trying to get through some of the more important messages I need to address before tomorrow when I hear the faint sounds of a key being turned in a lock. Great. Just what I need. I’d really hoped Josh had been and gone already, although I couldn’t bring myself to check.
I don’t get up to let him in, but of course he can tell that I’m home.
“Hey there, Ryan.” He pokes his head around the entrance to the living room as if he doesn’t want to come in. “How are you?”
I give him a curt nod. “Never better.”
Lucy raises her head up at the sound of Josh’s voice. Once she’s sure about who it is, she bounds right over to him.
“That’s good to hear. You remember I said I’d stop by and get the rest of my stuff tonight?”
I clench my teeth. Of course I remember. Does he think I’m stupid? “Sure. Do what you need to do.” I turn back to my phone.
“Okay then.” The floor creaks as he walks off, Lucy at his side.
Traitor.
The moment Josh’s gone, I toss my phone aside. Fuck this. I should’ve stayed out. Or told him to come by when I was still at work. I didn’t think I’d mind him coming over so much. Part of me wants him to get the hell out of here. Another part wants him to stay longer. Have a drink with me.
But there’s no point to that. If he wants it to be over between us, then I’m on board with that too. No need to mess around.
I down the rest of my gin and get back to work. By the time I’m done and shutting down my phone, Josh is depositing suitcases and bags by the front door.