The Most Dangerous Mitch in the Multiverse

by Paul Ormond

  “What have you dragged in now, Nazol?” The woman said, wiping her brow.

  “Found these three in a tondooron trap, and thought we’d let you know,” the man said.

  “What do I care if you found a bunch of wanderers in the hillside?” the woman said after she grabbed another tool off the deck. “I’ve got more important things to deal with than a bunch of grubby hobos.”

  “I was just going to cut them loose, but I was intrigued by their items. After closer inspection, it appears they are off world.”

  “Off world? What makes you think that?”

  “Have a look for yourself,” Nazol said, producing Mitch’s staff from within his cloak.

  “What is this thing?” the woman asked.

  “The skinny one was carrying it when we picked them up,” Nazol said, indicating Mitch. “Upon closer inspection, their clothing is distinctly off world.”

  “Hmm, do you think there is any value to them?”

  “Might be, but Ransoming them off might cause some trouble.”

  “I guess we’ll strip ‘em down and toss them in the pits. Did you ask them anything?” the woman said.

  “I thought we’d better leave it to you,” Nazol said. “You did say not to interrogate anyone unless you specifically order it, General.”

  “You thought correctly, Nazol,” the woman said before she turned to her captives. “Now what have we here. Two males and one female. Did they have anything else on them?”

  “Just some supplies. Their suits are wired for combat and levitation. Seems like some pretty advanced stuff. Not the kind of thing you would see on wanderers.”

  “Interesting,” the woman said while she looked Mitch up and down. “Can you understand me? Do you understand what I am saying?”

  “We understand you,” Mitch blurted out.

  “Good,” the woman said, looking down at Mitch’s spear. “So then you won’t mind telling me what the hell you are doing in our territory without my permission.”

  “Drak,” Mitch said. “Drakon Trendago. We’re his friends and he is in trouble.”

  “You are friends with that traitor? Then you deserve to die,” the woman said.

  “He’s not a traitor. He’s being held at some kind of headquarters. We were all captured together, but we escaped from Captain Juvius and we’ve been on the run,” Mitch said.

  “Captain Juvius, that sick bastard,” the woman said. “Now, I’m certainly going to execute you. Take these three below. When I am done with this hunk of junk, I want a word with them. Nobody touches them until I say so.”

  “Way to go, Mitch,” Kate said under her breath while they were led away by their captors.

  “How was I supposed to know that was the wrong thing to say?” Mitch said.

  “The wrong thing to say was anything at all,” Kate said. “You just played our whole hand by opening your mouth.”

  “It’s not my fault,” Mitch said.

  “That’s exactly what a narcissist would say,” Kate said as the guard shoved them into a darkened passageway and down a set of steep stairs.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  “DON’T YOU HAVE a torch spell or something we could use?” Sage asked.

  “I do, but I’ve only got one,” Candace said as she pushed into the darkness. “I could craft some more, but I need sparkbrush. Unfortunately, that stuff only grows on plains, not in caves.”

  “At least the claymore has its night jewel,” Sage said. “I got the upgrade after killing the watchman of Iber Cliffs. That was a crazy mission, but totally worth it. It increases damage in the dark and it lights your way.”

  “So why did you want a torch spell if your upgrade is so good?” Candace asked.

  “I can see what’s right in front of me, but I’d like to know what’s coming up.”

  “In my experience, if you light a torch, you just wind up drawing in whatever is hiding out there.”

  “That’s a good point. We’ll save the torch until we need it. Do you buy what it said about the guild?”

  “What Mitch said?”

  “Let’s get something straight. That wasn’t Mitch.”

  “Yeah, I’m still having a hard time separating the two.”

  “It’s kind of weird seeing Mitch as an NPC. Whoever put it together must be one hell of a programmer. And that’s what worries me.”

  “What worries you?”

  “That this is some kind of sick and twisted game setup by a bunch of trolls.”

  “Trolls? What kind of trolls?”

  “Ha, sorry, online trolls. It looks like we’re both losing touch with reality. What happens if we’re just getting toyed with?”

  “That’s possible, but you said you wanted to find out who was behind all of this. It seems like the right track. We already figured out that somebody is impersonating Mitch. There might be more people going around doing the same thing.”

  “That just doesn’t make any sense. Why would people do that?”

  “I know it sounds crazy, but Mitch is like an internet folk hero now. Even before he vanished, there was the whole #epiccrotchshot thing that started it all and then the MindHIve incident. That feed he made is still one of the most viewed videos of all time. With him missing in action, he’s gone from being a legend to some kind of deity as far as online culture is concerned. It only makes sense that somebody would try to use his image for their revolution.”

  “That’s true, but do you really think the Cell is behind all this?”

  “Nobody really knows what the Cell is, that’s the whole reason they are called the Cell. Ms. Pitchford did a whole class on it. I remember being bored when she talked about it at the time, but now it seems really interesting.”

  “What did she say?”

  “Something like it’s a decentralized network. Each member is its own cell, hence the name. That leader they caught, what was his name?”

  “O’Dell Grimes?”

  “Yeah, that’s it. Even though they caught him, the Cell kept going on. She said they’ve actually grown stronger because he got caught. The Cell was all about being anonymous, but now they’ve got this guy in prison and he’s all like let’s free the internet.”

  “Like a martyr?”

  “Yeah, like a martyr.”

  “If they’ve got him, why do you think they are using Mitch?”

  “Mitch is just a whole other level. He’s out there, where ever that is and when he returns he’s gonna kick some ass?”

  “Are you comparing Mitch to Jesus?”

  “If you put it that way, I guess I am, but it’s almost the same thing.”

  “It makes sense. If everything else is true. They keep saying he’s going to come back.”

  “Jesus or Mitch?”

  “Now this is getting confusing. Mitch, obviously. No more Jesus talk. I stopped going to church a long time ago, and I don’t think we should mix the two.”

  “That’s a good point. It gets kind of weird. If you think about it though, the whole thing is a bit nuts. If what everybody says is true, then there is something, or things I should say, on the other side of those portals and they want in to our world. We kind of need a hero or a savior to come and bail us out.”

  “But Mitch is gone and we don’t know when he’s coming back. That’s the crazy thing. We were all there at the MindHIve incident. I know what I saw and did, and I know what I saw in that video. It’s real and we’ve got to do everything we can to be ready for when it happens again. If the Cell has the information we need to get ready, then I’m gonna get it.”

  “You don’t need to convince me. I saw it with my own eyes and I still have nightmares. But, look, we’re on the path now. Let’s see this through, whatever happens.”

  “I hope you are enjoying your date to the valley of the damned.”

  “You sure know how to show a girl a good time, Sage Rhinus.”

  “Let’s just hope there is an ice cream stand on the other side of this puzzle we’re looking for.
Wait, did you hear that?”

  “Hear what?”

  “Like a shuffling sound.”

  “Not really. Wait, I do hear something.”

  “Is it time to pull out that torch?”

  “I don’t think we should use that yet?”

  “I’ve got a couple summoner spells we could use if things get heavy.”

  “Let’s see how things go. I think I just saw something.”

  “I saw it too,” Sage whispered as he dropped behind a rock. “What is that sound?”

  “It’s like a clacking or a whimpering,” Candace said, crouching beside him.

  “Uh, I think we’ve got company,” Sage said, looking in the opposite direction.

  “What is that?” Candace whispered after something slithered over the rocks they had just passed over.

  “Whatever it is, we’re gonna find out real quick,” Sage said as he hopped to his feet. “Mitch said this place is infested with enemies. I’m surprised this is the first thing we’ve seen.”

  “I got your back,” Candace said, scanning the shadows.

  “That’s good to know,” Sage said while he peered into the dark.

  Scurrying sounds caught his attention before a fleshy stump rose in front of him. A gaping mouth filled with spiked teeth writhed under an eyeless head while several sets of stump like arms clawed at the air.

  “Ah, it’s just a grub,” Sage said while he side swiped the creature with his claymore. A spray of gooey green mucus rained down on the rocks behind him.

  “Uh, it looks like that thing has some brothers and sisters,” Candace said without turning around.

  “We can handle a couple of grubs,” Sage said, flicking the goo off the end of his blade.

  “I think there are more than a couple,” Candace said, indicating the path ahead.

  “That doesn’t look good,” Sage said while he watched the walls pulse and seethe with movement. “We need to find a different way. There’s got to be thousands of them down there.”

  “Uh, we might not have much of a choice,” Candace said.

  “Mitch wasn’t kidding,” Sage said before he turned around. A wall of crawling flesh pushed toward them. Gaping mouths gnashed their gnarled teeth together as the grubs swarmed over each other to reach their meal.

  “We’re gonna have to run for it,” Sage shouted. “They haven’t picked up on us down there. So we’ve got the drop on them. Just charge and we might stand a chance.”

  “Stop talking and run,” Candace said under her breath before she leaped over a rock and took off down the cave.

  “Right behind you,” Sage said, following after her.

  As Candace ran, the grubs clinging to the walls of the cave tumbled onto the path and slithered after her. Coming up on them from behind, Sage was able to slice through the swarm with his sword, clearing the path as he went. Those that he missed joined in with the mass of flesh pursuing them down the passage.

  Continuing to swing his sword, he watched Candace slashing her way through more of the creatures further ahead before she disappeared into a fog.

  Not wanting to be left behind, Sage sprinted ahead at top speed while striking anything that stood in his way. He charged through the thick veil without hesitation and almost slammed into Candace, who had come to an abrupt stop.

  “What are you doing? We’ve got to keep moving,” Sage shouted as he looked back over his shoulder.

  “I think we’ve found the puzzle,” Candace said.

  “What are you talking about?” Sage said before he turned around. Across a wide stone floor, a tower of crystals embedded into a rock wall pulsed in a rhythmic pattern. “What the hell is that thing?”

  “It looks like a rune gate,” Candace said as she charged forward.

  “What the hell is that?” Sage shouted as he ran after her.

  “A passage way controlled by magic,” Candace shouted over her shoulder before she stopped in the center of the room.

  “We’d better figure out a way to open it soon,” Sage shouted as the grubs poured out of the tunnel and a sea of writhing flesh flooded the ground.

  “It think it might be time to use those summoner spells,” Candace shouted, backing away.

  “He said no magic,” Sage shouted while he decapitated a grub with his sword.

  “Summoner spells don’t count as magic,” Candace said, slicing a worm in half.

  “Who should I summon?” Sage asked as he struck another grub rising in front of him.

  “Somebody who is good at puzzles,” Candace said while stabbing and hacking at flesh.

  “You’re the smartest person I know,” Sage said, impaling another grub.

  “I’m not sure if that’s a compliment,” Candace shouted as more grubs poured into the room. “Double-Cheese knows more about magic systems than anybody else. You should call him.”

  “Yeah, he’s a massive nerd. I’m using the summon now,” Sage shouted before he cut down another grub. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a small vial and smashed it on the ground. A flaming sphere popped up in front of him and a skull appeared within.

  “Having trouble with an enemy? Call a friend,” the skull said.

  “Summon Cheeseslayer77,” Sage shouted at the skull as he swung his sword.

  “Are you sure?” the skull asked.

  “Yes, do it now,” Sage shouted.

  “Summoning Cheeseslayer77,” the skull said before it was replaced by a black screen displaying the DeathWorld logo.

  “Come on, answer the phone, Gareth,” Sage shouted.

  “Saginator, What’s going on?” Gareth’s voice said as his face appeared on the screen.

  “Slap on your goggles and get in here now,” Sage shouted, avoiding another strike.

  “No can do, amigo,” Gareth said as he rolled over onto his pillow. “My therapist said no games after 10. It ruins my sleep cycle. I’m still dealing with the insomnia, remember.”

  “I don’t give a damn about your insomnia,” Sage shouted while a surge of grubs closed in. “I’m packing an Easter egg and we’re about to get overrun. We’ve got to solve this puzzle before we get eaten alive.”

  “That’s a bummer, but I don’t think I can help you,” Gareth said, turning on the light in his room.

  “Are you kidding me,” Sage shouted. “You summoned me in the middle of the night to fight those wraiths after you looted their grave site and they were only level 14s. We just ran into Mitch Mythic’s impersonator and we’re on our way to cracking this whole thing wide open.”

  “What did you say about Mitch?” Gareth said as he stood up.

  “Just get in here and help us,” Sage shouted before he slashed another grub. “And make sure you bring that ax.”

  “Uh, my mom’s gonna kill me, but if this is about Mitch then I’m on my way,” Gareth said, punching the accept button.

  In a burst of flame, Gareth appeared beside Sage, wielding his ax.

  “What the hell did you guys stumble into?” Gareth shouted as he clobbered a grub with his ax.

  “It’s a long story. We’ll explain when we get out of here,” Sage shouted, slicing into another grub. “These things just keep coming. You know any way to defeat them?”

  “You’ve got to take out the mother if you want to stop them,” Gareth said after swinging his ax.

  “The mother?” Sage asked before a rumbling sound tore through the chamber.

  “Yeah, the mother,” Gareth said as an explosion at center of the room sent a cloud of dust and debris into the air and knocked Sage and the others off their feet.

  Recovering from the blast, Sage peered into the dust cloud while the grubs continued to swarm. A terrible roar filled the room, and Sage spotted a tower of flesh looming overhead.

  “I’m guessing that’s Mom,” Sage shouted as Candace came to his side.

  “We already ran into her and Daddy,” Candace shouted.

  “Now you’ve met the whole family,” Gareth shouted.

  “A
ny idea how to kill them?” Sage said, readying his claymore.

  “I’ve got a few ideas, but we’re going to need some backup,” Gareth shouted after another explosion took place on the opposite side of the room. “It looks like Dad wants to join the party.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

  “MY HEAD IS killing me,” Christine said, lugging herself up a set of metallic stairs.

  “I told you to slow down on that vodka,” Ramon said as he reached the landing at the top of the stairs. “They probably made it in a bathtub.”

  “You can’t make vodka in a bathtub,” Artim said while he leaned against a steel railing and watched his guests struggle across the steel floor. “The cheapest way to make vodka is with a copper still. Fortunately, this is an old soviet copper mine combined with a smelter. The first thing I set about doing when I was marooned here was to build a vodka still.”

  “Is that your vodka still?” Christine asked as she looked out at a large bulbous pot connected to a series of tubes.

  “It is indeed,” Artim said with a grin. “You can’t have good Russian workers without good Russian vodka.”

  “You keep your people all lubed up, so they can operate heavy machinery happily. What is it that you make here?” Ramon asked.

  “This and that,” Artim said. “Copper is still widely used in most communication devices. As you know, our friends in the Cell enjoy their privacy more than most. This factory has been supplying copper in various forms for all manner of communication devices that require reworking.”

  “That’s not surprising,” Ramon said. “Are you mining it here too?”

  “Like I said, we do a bit of this and a bit of that,” Artim said. “But it looks like we might be changing gears to allow for the production of some new materials.”

  “It would be a shame to let it all go to waste,” Ramon said.

  “Is that a vodka still?” Sanchez said as he stepped to the rail with XiaoFan following behind him. “It’s huge.”