The Way We Are

by Sinéad Moriarty

  Ben swallowed his mouthful of chicken sandwich. ‘I know you’re right. It’s just tempting, that’s all. You should have seen Oliver’s face. He was so animated and, well – bloody excited. He could barely sit still, he was on such a high from it all. I was jealous of him. I haven’t felt that kind of a buzz in a long time.’

  ‘I can think of a lot of ways for you to achieve a high that do not involve putting your life in danger. Honestly, Ben, this is just a normal mid-life . . . wobble. It will pass. Focus on your family and all the positives in your life. Don’t throw away everything you’ve built up on a whim.’

  Ben nodded. He knew he had too much to risk. His rational mind understood that, but he simply could not get rid of the nagging ‘What if?’, ‘Why not?’ and ‘Is this it?’

  Since that day he’d cycled more, pushing himself to his physical limits. It helped take the edge off his restlessness and cleared his head. He had worked off a lot of his frustration on those long bike rides and quelled his desire to do something drastic to shake up his life. He had allowed the rational side of his brain to take over and was feeling calmer.

  He knew Alice was fed up with the amount of time he spent on his bicycle, but he needed it, and it was a lot less disruptive than an affair with a patient or a trip to Syria.

  Chapter 3

  Holly

  Uncle Kevin is babysitting us tonight because Mummy and Daddy are going to David and Pippa’s for dinner. Jools said it’s ridiculous, she’s far too old for a babysitter, but she loves Uncle Kevin so she didn’t kick off too much.

  We were in the kitchen finishing up dinner when she announced, ‘Francis Penworth is coming over to do our project.’

  I nearly choked on my ice cream.

  ‘What’s it about again?’ Uncle Kevin asked.

  ‘We have to, like, build a replica of some bridge in America,’ Jools said.

  ‘The Golden Gate?’ Mummy asked.

  ‘Yeah, that’s it.’

  ‘Who is this guy? Is he cute?’ Uncle Kevin asked.

  ‘OMG, no! He’s a chess geek.’

  ‘He’s not a geek, Jools,’ I said. Francis was, like, my hero.

  ‘Yes, he is. You just don’t see it because geeks don’t notice that other geeks are geeks.’

  ‘He’s the nice boy who sent Jools the huge bouquet of balloons. Apparently he’s very good at chess,’ Mummy explained.

  ‘He’s not very good, Mummy, he’s incredible. He’s the British junior chess champion,’ I said.

  ‘I like the sound of him.’ Uncle Kevin winked at Jools. ‘He sounds very suitable.’

  ‘What time is he coming over?’ I wanted to know so I could get changed. I was still in my uniform.

  Jools shrugged. ‘I dunno. Around now, I guess. I told him to come early so we could get the whole thing done quickly. I’m not spending my whole evening doing schoolwork. Besides, I’m Facetiming Chloë at eight.’

  ‘But you’re in your onesie,’ I said. ‘Shouldn’t you get dressed again before he gets here?’

  ‘No way. I’m not wasting make-up and good clothes on him. I’m comfy in this. Anyway, he said we have to glue stuff.’

  ‘Can I help?’ I so wanted to be able to stay when he arrived.

  Jools looked at me, eyes wide. ‘Seriously? You actually want to do more work than you have to?’

  My face was red.

  Jools grinned. ‘Oh, I get it. You want to help so you can hang out with Francis. Fine by me. Maybe the two of you could do the whole thing together.’

  Mummy put down her cup. ‘No, Jools. You’re to work with Francis and make sure you help him. He sounds like he could teach you a thing or two.’

  Jools looked at her. ‘I could teach him how to be normal.’

  ‘Be nice, Jools,’ Kevin said. ‘It’s always the smart boys who get the hot girls in the end.’

  Jools rolled her eyes. ‘Maybe back in the eighteen hundreds, Kevin, but nowadays the nerds end up with nerds.’

  The doorbell rang. My heart stopped. He was here already. I ran up the stairs to get changed.

  ‘I’ll let the poor boy in, then, shall I?’ Mummy went out to open the door.

  I peeped from the top of the stairs. He looked so nice. He was wearing a blue shirt that matched his eyes and he was holding an enormous box. It looked as if he was trying to do an almost life-size version of the bridge. He really was so talented.

  ‘Hello, Mrs Gregory, I’m Francis. I’m here to complete a project with Jools.’

  ‘Yes, of course, come on in. Can I help you with that?’

  ‘Oh, no,’ he said. ‘I just need you to guide me to a place with some space so I can lay out the different sections of the bridge.’

  ‘The balloons you sent this morning were gorgeous,’ Mummy said.

  ‘I hope Jools liked them. She’s so . . . well . . . lovely.’

  Why, oh, why did he have to like Jools? Didn’t he see that she would never go for him? For someone so clever, he sure was dumb about girls. I couldn’t bear to hear him go on about her. I ran into my room to find something to wear that wouldn’t make me look like a stupid kid.

  I threw on my Christmas outfit, the nicest thing I had. Skinny jeans, plus a cute pink top with a sparkly collar and a sparkly cat on the front. I ran into Jools’s room and put on some lip gloss, then did something I’d never done before – I took out her blusher and dabbed a bit on my cheeks. I stared at myself in the mirror. I still looked like boring old me, but the blusher was a bit of an improvement.

  When I got downstairs, Mummy and Uncle Kevin were clearing the dinner plates from the table to make room for Francis to set down the box. Jools was watching them, still eating ice cream, not helping, and Francis just kept looking at her, his face all red. He was babbling, just like I do when I’m really nervous.

  ‘It’s good to be here. I hope I’m not too early. I can wait until you’ve finished dinner, if you like. I’m in no hurry. We can take all the time we need. I have no plans for the evening. I made sure I was totally free. I wanted to be able to stay as long as possible . . . what I mean is, as long as necessary,’ Francis stuttered, his face flushed.

  ‘Cool, whatever, let’s just get on with it,’ Jools drawled.

  Uncle Kevin peered into the box. ‘It looks as if you’ve done quite a bit already,’ he said.

  Francis pushed his glasses up his nose. ‘Well, I don’t want Jools to be too taxed. She was kind enough to let me go ahead alone and said she was happy to come in and help at the end.’

  That was so like Jools. Every time she had a project, she’d ask someone clever to be her partner, then get them to do all the work. I couldn’t believe they weren’t smart enough to see right through her.

  ‘That’s our Jools, so generous.’ Uncle Kevin winked at her.

  Everyone was ignoring me, so I coughed loudly.

  ‘Oh, yeah, this is my sister, Holly,’ Jools said. ‘She’s, like, super smart and really into chess. You should play with her sometime.’

  I was mortified. I could feel my face and neck going bright red. ‘Francis wouldn’t want to waste his time playing with me. He’s far too good.’

  Francis looked at Jools. ‘I’d prefer to play with you, actually. I think you could have talent if you learned to concentrate more.’

  I stared at him. Seriously? Jools had no idea how to play chess and never, ever wanted to learn. Daddy had tried to teach her, but she had broken him down by refusing to learn even one move, and in the end he’d given up.

  ‘Talent?’ Jools laughed. ‘Come on, Francis, you know I think chess is dumb. I just don’t get it. But Holly’s really into it.’

  Francis looked at me. My legs went all wobbly. ‘Maybe we could play after the bridge is finished.’

  A weird twittery sound came out of my mouth, which was so embarrassing, and I went even redder. I felt such a fool.

  Francis went into the hall to get the other stuff he’d brought – all his glues and paints.

  Uncle Kevin l
eant over and whispered in my ear, ‘Holly, are you going to snap out of it or stay frozen to the spot staring at him? I understand you like him, but it’s a little intense.’

  ‘Was I staring? I didn’t even realize.’

  ‘Sweetie, are you sure you want to stay and help, or would you rather come upstairs with me?’ Mummy asked.

  ‘I think he needs my help. I want to stay.’

  ‘Just remember, Holly,’ Uncle Kevin said, ‘he’s good at chess. He isn’t God.’

  ‘Uncle Kevin!’ I hissed. ‘I know that, but he’s just so . . . amazing.’

  Francis walked back into the room and I smiled at him, but he didn’t see.

  ‘You’re amazing too,’ Mummy said, but she always said that.

  Jools waved her spoon at me. ‘Holly, I thought you were helping. Francis needs you to hold a bit while I’m finishing my ice cream.’

  I rushed over and held one of the pieces while Francis glued it together.

  ‘It looks pretty cool, actually,’ Jools said.

  ‘Thanks.’ Francis dropped the glue.

  The effect Jools has on boys is unbelievable. Sometimes it does make me a bit jealous. She can have anyone she wants. Francis was going to end up doing this entire project while Jools got the glory. It wasn’t right.

  I picked up the glue and gave it to him. His hand touched mine and I tried not to go any redder. We continued to work together in silence. I couldn’t think of anything clever to say. I was tongue-tied. We made really quick progress with the bridge, though, and I didn’t make any mistakes.

  ‘Gosh, we’ll be finished soon,’ Francis said.

  ‘Good. The sooner the better.’ Jools went to put her bowl in the dishwasher.

  ‘Really, Jools, you could make some effort to get involved,’ Mummy said.

  ‘Why?’ Jools muttered. ‘They’re both totally happy. Besides, I’d probably only mess it up.’

  ‘It’s important to participate,’ Mummy said.

  ‘Yes, and it’s also important to know how to delegate. They said that in one of those boring talks we had on leadership.’

  ‘You certainly have that skill down.’ Uncle Kevin smiled.

  ‘Do you think they’d notice if I ran upstairs and had a shower?’ Jools whispered.

  She was so rude. I could hear what she was saying so I’m sure Francis could too. Sometimes I was ashamed to be her sister.

  Mummy stopped her. ‘You have to do something to help.’

  ‘Fine. I’ll glue something on.’

  Jools came over and pretended to try to help, but knocked a piece off. ‘Oops, sorry, I’m so clumsy.’

  I knew she’d done it on purpose, but Francis didn’t.

  ‘For goodness’ sake, Jools, be careful,’ I snapped.

  ‘It’s OK, I can fix it,’ Francis said. ‘Jools, maybe you should just relax and watch. Holly can help me.’

  ‘Fine by me.’ Jools sat back in her chair and began to flick through the photos on her mini-iPad.

  ‘I’m happy to help you finish it,’ I said, smiling again. My cheeks were hurting from so much smiling.

  ‘Fine,’ Francis said. ‘Let’s be quick and then I might get some time to hang out with Jools, OK?’

  I felt my tummy drop when he said that, but I didn’t say anything back. He didn’t care about me. I was about as interesting as the wallpaper. I glanced at Uncle Kevin, who gave me a sad smile. And that just made everything worse. Sometimes I hate being me.

  Chapter 4

  Alice

  Alice played music on her iPod and hummed as she got changed. She’d decided to wear her red dress seeing as it was Valentine’s. Besides, she knew she looked good in it. Kevin came up to chat to her.

  ‘You’ll be glad to know the project is finished and the geek has left the building. Jools barely said goodbye to him, but Holly walked him to the door. She’s sitting in the kitchen staring into space, all gooey-eyed. He didn’t give her a second’s notice, the little sod. I’ve never seen her like that.’

  ‘Neither have I. The poor child is besotted with him. He’s much more suited to her than Jools,’ Alice said.

  ‘Yes, but he only has eyes for Jools.’

  ‘Well, Holly is only ten, and it’s a bit early for infatuations.’

  ‘I don’t know about that. I was obsessed with Michael Doherty when I was ten. It was my first real gay crush.’

  Alice grinned. ‘I remember him. He was a few years ahead of you in school, wasn’t he?’

  ‘Yes, and a completely heterosexual rugby jock. Talk about not my type.’ Kevin laughed.

  ‘What do you think of my dress?’ Alice did a twirl for Kevin.

  ‘Ooh, la la, you look great.’

  ‘Thanks. I decided to make an effort. I seem to spend my life in black, grey or navy.’

  ‘Well, they’re practical for work.’

  ‘And there’s something about wearing red that makes you feel better.’

  ‘It makes you look better, too. Red is good on blondes. So will it be fun tonight?’

  Alice sat at her dressing-table and rubbed foundation onto her pale cheeks. ‘I think so. David and Pippa are very easy company. And you know how it is there – the chef will cook and the housekeeper will take care of everything else.’ Alice smiled at him. ‘The exact opposite of this place, in other words, which is actually what I need. I’m going to sit back and be waited on and enjoy it thoroughly.’

  Kevin lay back on the bed and sighed. ‘I need to find a stinking rich boyfriend to keep me in the lap of luxury.’

  Alice applied eyeshadow with a small brush. ‘How is your love life? Have you met anyone you liked recently?’

  ‘Non-existent and no. Everyone thinks the gay scene in London is amazing, and it is when you’re twenty, but for a man in his thirties it’s not so vibrant.’

  ‘Your prince will come.’ Alice tried to be positive. She so desperately wanted Kevin to be happy.

  ‘Or I could meet a nice girl who would straighten me out, like Ben’s auntie Prudence suggested.’ He grinned.

  ‘Don’t remind me.’ Alice shuddered. ‘What a day that was.’

  ‘Any word from your charming father-in-law, Harold?’

  ‘Ben took the girls down to see him last Sunday, but I stayed away. I’m still furious about the way he spoke to you at Christmas.’

  ‘I was out of control. I can’t believe I drank two bottles of wine. It’s a wonder I didn’t pass out sooner. Probably would have been better if I had.’

  They both laughed. Alice pulled out her mascara wand and began to coat her lashes. ‘Thank God Ben got his mother’s personality.’

  ‘Amen to that. There’s only room for one Harold in the world.’

  ‘We were really lucky with Mum and Dad, weren’t we?’ Alice twisted the mascara wand back into its tube.

  Kevin propped himself up on one elbow. ‘Very.’

  ‘It’s harder than I thought.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Parenting.’

  ‘You’ve got two amazing kids.’

  ‘I know, but I worry about doing the right thing. Am I right to push Jools in her schoolwork, and drag Holly away from her books to play sport? Should I just leave them alone and let them be who they are?’

  ‘Speaking as someone who wasn’t very academic, I think you do need to push Jools a bit, but not too much. She’s so confident in every aspect of her life except academics. It’s why she makes your life hell when you do her homework with her. She gets frustrated. I can relate to that. She’s not angry with you. She’s angry with herself because she takes a long time to grasp things. As for Holly, she needs to be dragged away from her books and put out in the fresh air. All kids should do some running around. It’s good for her mind to get a rest, too. It must be exhausting being Holly. She feels everything so deeply – and all that reading, I’m tired thinking about it. She reminds me of you as a kid. You always had your head stuck in a book.’

  Alice laughed and put on some lipstick
. ‘The good old days when I used to read without falling asleep after three pages.’

  ‘I always fell asleep after one.’ Kevin chuckled. Alice stood up. ‘You look gorgeous,’ he said.

  ‘Yes, she does,’ Ben said, coming into the bedroom, hair damp. He moved as if to kiss her, but Alice leant out of reach.

  ‘You’re soaking,’ she grumbled. ‘Did you really have to go cycling in the rain?’

  ‘A quick shower and I’ll be ready.’

  ‘That’s nice for you,’ Alice said, an edge to her voice.

  ‘I’ll check on the girls,’ Kevin said, and scooted out of the door.

  ‘What do you mean?’ Ben said quietly.

  ‘Work, cycle, shower, dinner – sounds like a very good evening to me. I had work, rush home, prepare dinner, do homework that almost broke me, then get ready in the four minutes I managed to grab. Not quite as much fun.’

  Ben sighed. ‘Come on, Alice. Don’t make a big deal of it. I needed to clear my head. Cycling home helps me do that.’

  Alice opened her mouth to say more, to say worse, but then she caught herself. It would only ruin her night. She took a deep breath and tried to push down her annoyance.

  ‘OK, but hurry up. I don’t want to be late. I’m looking forward to wine and a nice dinner.’

  David opened the door. Warmth and a delicious aroma wafted out to them. ‘Hello! Come in, come in. Filthy night out there.’

  He kissed Alice on both cheeks and shook Ben’s hand warmly. They walked through the vast hall into a large drawing room with a log fire crackling.

  A waiter came in with a tray of drinks. Gin and tonic for David and Ben, champagne for Alice and Pippa.

  ‘Darlings.’ Pippa floated in wearing a beautiful turquoise dress that had probably cost more than Alice made in a month. ‘Alice, you look divine. Hello, Ben.’

  Pippa sat down beside Alice and took a big sip of champagne. Close up, Alice could see that her face was drawn and tired. Despite carefully applied make-up, the dark circles under her eyes were still visible.

  Lowering her voice, Alice asked, ‘Is everything all right? You look a little tired.’