The Tapper Twins Tear Up New York (With Each Other)
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AKASH
No kidding! THAT’S WHY IT WAS WORTH TWENTY POINTS!
CLAUDIA
But scavenger hunts aren’t supposed to be deadly.
AKASH
THE FUN ONES ARE! It was like my worst nightmare! I created a masterpiece, and Mrs. Bevan ruined it with her lame rules! I seriously considered resigning in protest.
CLAUDIA
After Akash finally agreed not to quit and go home, I asked about adding a no-car rule. But Mrs. Bevan was too stressed out over having to black out the Brooklyn Bridge line from everybody’s list of items to deal with anything else.
People were starting to show up by then, and each team got an envelope with “DO NOT OPEN” printed on the front, a rule sheet, and a Calvin the Cat.
Calvin’s our school mascot, and the cats were the same little stuffed ones that Culvert Prep hands out to kids on the first day of kindergarten. At first, I wasn’t sure why every team was getting one.
AKASH
Half the list was photos, and we had to make sure they were all taken during the hunt. So we decided to give everybody an object they had to include in each shot.
And I had some AWESOME ideas for the object. But they all cost money. So Mrs. Bevan made me use the stupid Calvins, because she had a whole pile of them sitting in a closet. And she’s a complete you-know-what. Ed. Note: (cheapskate) (sorry again, Akash)
CLAUDIA
The Calvins definitely confused people. When I walked out of the auditorium to look for the rest of my team, I saw my brother’s idiot friend Xander throw Beast Squad’s Calvin into a garbage can.
XANDER
I’s all, “WUUUT? This ain’t no first day of kindergarten, yo.”
CLAUDIA
I was about to point out to Xander that there was probably a scavenger-hunt-related reason for the Calvins when Parvati and Carmen showed up.
They were freaking out. Parvati practically screamed, “DID YOU SEE ALL THE TOWN CARS?”
Right away, I got scared. Because I’d only seen one car.
PARVATI
I was like, “OMG, Claude: THERE’S FOUR OF THEM!!!”
CLAUDIA
All I could think was, “If FOUR different teams are getting chauffeured around the city… we are doomed.”
CARMEN
I was trying to get you guys to chill. Because on a bad traffic day—like, if there’s a parade, or a bunch of street fairs—it’s actually faster to take the subway. So having a car service might not be that huge an advantage.
CLAUDIA
The three of us sat down and tried to figure out which teams were rich and obnoxious enough to pay for a car service for all six hours of the hunt.
The Fembots—who were calling themselves Goddesses, Inc., even though a better name would’ve been The Brides of Satan—were a no-brainer.
But except for a couple of no-way-they’d-do-that teams, like the Avada Kedavras Ed. Note: Kalisha’s team, pretty much everybody was a possible suspect.Ed. Note: Most likely car service users: The Fierceness, Cutsies!, Gingivitis, Knights Who Say Ni, Fire Team Four, Killaz, The Wut Ups
We were going down the list when Jens arrived. He asked what we were talking about, and when we told him, he said, “Don’t we just go by walking?”
He got a little side-eye from Carmen and Parvati for that.
CARMEN
I was like, “Hello? Manhattan is TWELVE MILES LONG.” Ed. Note: actually 13.4 miles (but close enough)
JENS
I said to Carmen, “But weather is beautiful today! Perfect for a walk.” Ed. Note: tbh, weather actually WAS beautiful
PARVATI
I’m not going to lie. I was ALL kinds of worried about Jens with that attitude. He was like, “Oh, let’s just wander around and sniff some flowers.”
And I was like, “Excuse me, but we are in a FIGHT TO THE DEATH here? And the Fembots are using a car service? And so are three other teams? Soooo this is kind of a crisis?”
CLAUDIA
I was about to take Jens aside and remind him how important winning was to the rest of Team Melting Pot, but just then Mom came up to us. I braced myself for some Mom-Jens awkwardness, but she didn’t even look at him.
Instead, in a very stressed-out voice, she said, “Have you seen your brother?”
I had not. Probably because right that minute, he and Dad were running full speed down 77th Street.
CHAPTER 8
REESE AND DAD ALMOST MISS THE WHOLE THING
REESE
After I got my pants on, Dad was still on his work call. So I sat down to play some MetaWorld and then just kind of spaced on the time until Wyatt texted me and was like, “WHERE ARE YOU?”
And I realized it was, like, five minutes to ten.
So I went into panic mode. And I got Dad off his call—which was TOTALLY stressing him out—and we, like, ska-jammed Ed. Note: N.A.A.W. downstairs and into a cab.
In the cab, Dad checked a work email on his phone and then made this “muuuugh” noise, like somebody slugged him in the gut.
Then he looked at me and went, “Let me ask you something, kiddo…” in that really quiet voice he uses when, like, your goldfish just died and he has to flush it down the toilet.
So I knew what was coming couldn’t be good.
And Dad was like, “How badly do you need a chaperone?”
And I was like, “Dad—you TOTALLY can’t bail on us.”
Then the cab got stuck in traffic and we had to jump out and start running.
MOM AND DAD (text messages)
(MOM) Have you left yet? 10 min till start
5 min till start
Please tell me you are en route and
not still on phone
3 min till start
WHERE ARE YOU???
ERIC????!!!!!
IT’S STARTING NOW
(DAD) rubbing
WHAT?!
running
HURRY!
CLAUDIA
Mrs. Bevan gave an intro speech thanking everybody for coming, and reminding us this was for charity, and we were all winners just for showing up to support the Manhattan Food Bank, so we shouldn’t get too competitive.
Which everybody ignored, because the whole auditorium was thinking, “FRONT-ROW SEATS AT THE GARDEN! I’LL STEP OVER DEAD BODIES TO WIN THIS!”
Then she went over the rules. For the historical record—and because certain rules turned out to be VERY important—here’s what the rule sheet looked like:
CLAUDIA
After she went over the rules, Mrs. Bevan asked if there were any questions.
Figuring we were finally getting started, the whole auditorium got halfway out of their seats—but then Dimitri Sharansky’s mom raised her hand and asked if all the items on the list were nut-free.
Which took forever for Mrs. Bevan to answer, because she had to google some things on her phone. And everybody got really annoyed at Dimitri’s mom. Especially Dimitri (even though his nut allergy is actually very serious).
At some point in the middle of that, Reese and Dad showed up.
REESE
It was seriously confusing. We ran in, all out of breath and sweaty—and the whole auditorium was, like, watching Mrs. Bevan stare at her phone.
CLAUDIA
Finally, Mrs. Bevan said, “Yes! Everything’s nut-free. Any other questions…? No? Then LET THE HUNT BEGIN!”
There was a ripping noise as everybody opened their envelopes, and we all got our first look at the list:
AKASH
Even without the Brooklyn Bridge thing, that list was a masterpiece.
CLAUDIA
Except for that one giant mistake that wound up having terrible consequences for everybody.
AKASH
It’s not my fault people can’t take a joke.
CLAUDIA
There were a few seconds of quiet while people scanned the list. Then there was a mad rush for the exit.
We hit the sidewalk, and the first thing
I saw was Meredith Timms getting into one of the car service cars as a driver in a suit held her door open.
Then Ling Chen, getting into the second car…
Followed by Clarissa Parker, disappearing into the third one…
And finally Athena Cohen and her mom, headed for the last one.
All four Fembots. In four different cars.
CARMEN
I practically had a heart attack.
PARVATI
I think I might have, like, screamed or something.
CLAUDIA
It was more of a yelp. But yeah. You did.
Which was totally understandable. Because the hunt was only two minutes old—and already, the Fembots were crushing us.
CHAPTER 9
MY BROTHER’S TEAM IS WEIRD AND DISGUSTING
CLAUDIA
I am going to let Reese explain what happened with Beast Squad, because A) I wasn’t there, and B) I still don’t even understand half of it. It was all way too random.
REESE
When Mrs. Bevan set everybody loose, Xander and Wyatt ran over to us, and Wyatt was like, “Xander threw away our Calvin!”
Dad and I were like, “Whaaa?” We’d just gotten there, so we didn’t even know all the teams had gotten a Calvin to use in pictures.
Xander was like, “Yo, I got this.” Then he went over to this garbage can and practically dove in.
And I was like, “Are we hunting for things in garbage cans? ’Cause that’s kinda skreevy.” Ed. Note: N.A.A.W.
WYATT
Then James Mantolini showed up. And he was like, “Let’s get ready to rumble.”
Except he said it in this really creepy voice, like he was talking in a foreign accent. So it was more like, “Lheeets gheet rheeedy to rhuuuuum-bal.” James is so weird.
REESE
Then Xander popped up out of the garbage can, going, “YO, DAWG, THAT IS NASTY!”
XANDER
Some fool straight-up bombed that can with a gallon of Starbucks. So when I peeped dem cat, it was like some kinda wet, hot coffee sponge.
WYATT
It was pretty gross. The Calvin was, like, dripping hot coffee.
And we were like, “What are we going to do?”
And James was like, “Let’s take a picture—maybe it’s under warranty.”
REESE
And I was all, “Dude—how is that helpful? We need it fixed, like, NOW.”
So James goes, “Fine. I’ll suck the coffee out.”
JAMES MANTOLINI, Beast Squad member/very strange person
I was being a friend of the earth. You know: recycling the coffee.
REESE
So James, like, shoved the whole head in his mouth. And he basically gagged on it and started to choke—
CLAUDIA
I’m sorry. I hate to interrupt. Can you skip ahead to a non-disgusting part?
REESE
Sorry. So eventually, James quit choking to death, and we wrung most of the coffee out of the Calvin. But it was still all brown and soggy—
CLAUDIA
Seriously. Skip ahead.
REESE
Okay! Geez.
So we checked out the list, and we saw all the high-point stuff was at the bottom. So we figured the smart thing was to start there and work our way up.
The first thing was 500 points for a pic of Calvin getting kissed by Deondra.
Akash was still inside the auditorium, so I poked my head back in and yelled, “HEY, AKASH! IS THAT DEONDRA THING A JOKE?”
And Akash was like, “OF COURSE IT’S A JOKE!!!”
WYATT
Then I said, “It’s 500 points if we get it, though, right?”
And Akash was like, “Oh, sure! Just track down the most famous pop star in the universe by four o’clock and get her to kiss your little stuffed animal, and you’re golden.”
I think he was being sarcastic. But I would’ve tried to do it if our Calvin hadn’t just been in James’s mouth. And also the garbage. So I didn’t think Deondra would be up for kissing it even if we could find her.
REESE
The next-biggest thing on the list was 30 points for a “Cronut.”
So I yelled, “HEY, AKASH! WHAT’S A CRONUT?”
And he yelled back, “STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS!”
And Xander was like, “Cronut, yo! That’s my jam!”
XANDER
Dem Cronuts iz BEAST! Straight up. Like heaven in yo’ mouth.
REESE
Here’s the thing I learned about Cronuts: they’re incredibly delicious. But there’s only one bakery in the city that sells them. And they only make a few every day. So people get up early and stand in line for, like, HOURS to buy them.
XANDER
True dat. When I gots da Cronut itch? Mom-a-saurus pays our dog walker fiddy bones to get up crack-o’-dawn and represent on dat line to get one in my belly.
REESE
Your mom pays a guy fifty bucks to get you a Cronut? Wow. That’s pretty nuts.
XANDER
Troof! Momma loves her X-Man. Ed. Note: this might explain why Xander is so horrible (VERY bad parenting)
REESE
When Xander told us how hard the Cronuts were to get, I started to think it might not be worth the hassle. But then Dad—who’d been standing off to one side, typing emails on his phone—suddenly went, “The Cronut bakery’s in SoHo? LET’S GO!”
Before we knew it, he’d piled us all into a minivan cab, and we were headed downtown to SoHo.
Which just happened to be on the way to Dad’s office.
CHAPTER 10
MY TEAM’S VERY BAD (AND THEN VERY GOOD) START
CLAUDIA
For Team Melting Pot, the first few minutes were kind of a blur. There was a lot of yelling and a lot of running, and it’s very hard to do both of those things at once.
We were yelling because everybody had a different opinion about how to handle the Fembots. Using four different cars seemed totally illegal under the “team members should remain together” rule.
But we couldn’t agree on whether to try and bust them for it ourselves, or let some other team rat them out to Mrs. Bevan.
And we were running because we knew we had to move fast to have any prayer of winning if the Fembots didn’t get disqualified.
We were headed for the Met, because it was the closest place to the school with a high-point item (6 points, for a photo of a painting with a dog in it).
PARVATI
I was all, “We HAVE to get the Fembots disqualified!”
And your mom was all, “Let’s just run our own race and not worry about other teams.”
And you were all, “Mom—LIP BALM!” Which was totally random. Ed. Note: code word did not work b/c Mom forgot what it was
CARMEN
And I was all, “WHY ISN’T YOUR SPORTY BOYFRIEND RUNNING FASTER?”
JENS
I did not think there was running. If I knew this, I would have worn other shoes.
CLAUDIA
Here’s the thing: by 12-year-old-boy standards, Jens has AMAZING taste in clothes. This is normally awesome. But in terms of the hunt, it was kind of a problem. Because he was wearing these very cool blue-and-gray leather shoes that looked great with his outfit, but seemed like they were very hard to run in.
So he was kind of slowing us down.
Although Parvati was ALSO slowing us down—because she was trying to dial Mrs. Bevan’s phone number while running full speed down the sidewalk and yelling at us.
Which, BTW, made her kind of a menace. At one point, she almost plowed into a stroller and trampled a two-year-old and his nanny.
PARVATI
I’m sorry, but that nanny? NOT doing her job. She should’ve seen me coming and swerved out of the way.
But I got Mrs. Bevan on the phone. And she was all, “Thank you for the information. I will investigate.”
Which was, like, NOT satisfying. So when we got to the museum, I decided to post on the
scavenger hunt ClickChat wall to, like, publicly shame the Fembots.