The Tapper Twins Tear Up New York (With Each Other)
Page 8
That got me very worried. But when I said, “Hi! Is there any Coke left?” he replied, “Yeah, I’m just refilling it.”
And then he said, “Some girl came in and emptied the whole machine. It was totally bizarre—she bought all the Cokes, dumped them out in the water fountain, and took the bottle caps with her. So after she left, I had to drag two more cases up from storage.”
Knowing that a Fembot sabotage attempt had been foiled made me think our luck was turning—and when Parvati called me with her Deondra update, I got even more hopeful.
PARVATI
Okay, so first I checked Deondra Online to make sure she wasn’t on tour, or filming a movie, or, like, recording an album in France. And she wasn’t. So, all good.
Then I went to Fiddy K’s website to make sure HE wasn’t on tour, because, obvs, they’re married and, like, totally supportive of each other’s careers. So if he WAS touring, she’d probably be out there with him.
And Fiddy K wasn’t on tour, either. So, still all good.
Then I went to OMG Celebrities In The Wild! to see if Deondra had been spotted anywhere recently. And the last photo they had of her was, like, at a Starbucks in Miami. But that was two weeks ago, so I was like, STILL all good.
Then I checked Red Carpet 24/7—and THAT’S where I found out she and Fiddy K had just gone to a charity ball for autism at the Waldorf the night before.
And I was like, “OMG, this is PERFECT. Because they probably stayed out late, and then slept in, and I know from reading I Am Deondra that her favorite thing to do on the weekends is to walk her dog and/or go out to a totally low-key brunch with her husband and maybe a few close friends.”
So I was like, “Claudia, you HAVE to get over to Deondra’s apartment building STAT and wait for her to either come out and walk her dog or go for brunch.”
CLAUDIA
I was seriously impressed with Parvati’s detective work. My only question was, “Where on earth is Deondra’s apartment building?”
PARVATI
And I was like, “Duh! 511 Leonard Street in TriBeCa! Everybody knows that!”
I totes would’ve gone myself, but we’d been waiting to use that floor piano for, like, twenty minutes. And I did NOT want to give up our place in line. Especially since Colin Hartley from Gingivitis was right behind us.
CLAUDIA
Jens and I googled the address, and two minutes later, we were back on the 1 train heading downtown to TriBeCa.
Incidentally, in the same way that “SoHo” is short for “SOuth of HOuston,” “TriBeCa” is short for “TRIangle BElow CAnal Street.”
Although for us, right then it was more like, “TRyIng to BEat the CAtty Fembots.”
And for my dad, who happened to be very close by at that exact same moment, it was, “TerRIbly BEwildered ’CAuse I Can’t Find James Mantolini.”
CHAPTER 19
MY BROTHER’S TEAM HITS A NEW LOW
REESE
When I got back to the bull statue, Dad and Wyatt were already there. Dad was majorly stressed about losing half our team, and the first thing he did was take us back to Hooligans to get Xander. I hid around the corner with Wyatt so none of the Liverpool fans would try to kill me again while Dad dragged Xander outside.
XANDER
Yo, strong ups to Big Daddy Tapper for frontin’ the bill on dem wingz.
REESE
After that, we were like, “What’s next on the list?”
And Dad was like, “Finding James Mantolini! What’s his cell?”
And we were like, “Didn’t he give it to you when we started?”
And he was like, “Yeah, but it was fake. What’s the real number?”
And we were like, “No idea.”
Because none of us had ever called James for anything. But I had his email, ’cause he was on the cc list for kids who were supposed to be getting extra help in Ms. Santiago’s math class during lunch.
So I emailed James, but I figured there was no way he’d get back to me.
REESE (email to James)
REESE
Then we were like, “Dad, don’t worry, he’s fine.”
And Dad was like, “I’m the chaperone—I HAVE to make sure everybody’s safe.”
Which, seeing as how he’d left us alone in the first place, was, um… what’s that word? When somebody says something, and it’s like the opposite of what you’d expect?
CLAUDIA
Ironic?
REESE
That’s it. Yeah. And it seemed totally cray to even try to look for James. ’Cause not only is New York City mega-huge, but we were in the middle of the scavenger hunt.
So we were all, “Why don’t we just split up again?”
And Dad was like, “We are NOT splitting up! Over my dead body!” Which, again, was totally… oh, geez, I forgot that word already.
CLAUDIA
Ironic.
REESE
Right. Sorry.
And Wyatt and Xander were all, “We can’t just quit the hunt! We’re winning! We got the Cronut!”
So I had to tell them I ate the Cronut.
WYATT
I was seriously spun out over that. You stuck me on the ferry all alone—and then while I was gone, you ATE THE CRONUT?!
REESE
I am so skronking sorry, dude.
XANDER
Weak, yo. WEAK!
REESE
I know! I’m sorry!
So Dad started marching us up Broadway, back toward where I last saw James. And he was all, “If you were James, where would you go?”
XANDER
And I’s all, “Prison.” Cause J-Mo be seriously headed for jail if he don’t check himself.
And Big Daddy Tapper was all, “We’ll look there later.”
WYATT
Then I went, “Dunkin’ Donuts!”
And your dad was like, “Does James like donuts?”
And I was like, “I dunno—but there’s a Dunkin’ Donuts right over there. And we can buy a donut and pretend it’s a Cronut!”
REESE
Which was a sweet idea. Because even though I ate the Cronut, I’d kept the box.
So we basically ran in and bought the donut before Dad could even argue with us.
We got a strawberry glazed, ’cause it looked like the Cronut I’d eaten, except it was a little too oval-ish. So I chewed around the edges to make it look more Cronut-y.
Then we put it in the box. Although I’d been carrying the Calvin head around in there, so the box was, like, kind of soggy from the skruzzy subway water. Ed. Note: A.B.N.Q.A.A.W.—Almost (But Not Quite) An Actual Word
CLAUDIA
Just please tell me nobody ever put that half-eaten donut back in their mouth after it had been sitting in that scuzzy box. Ed. Note: A.A.W. (An Actual Word)
REESE
No comment.
Anyway, after we got the replacement Cronut, Dad was like, “Check your email—maybe James wrote back!”
And I was like, “Dad, there’s no way… ohmygosh, he actually did.”
JAMES (email to Reese)
From: i_m_batman_4realz@yahoo.com
To: skronkmonster@gmail.com
Date: 10/25/14 1:02:33 PM EDT
Subject: RE: JAMES WHERE R U???????
On October 25, 2014 at 12:54 PM, Reese Tapper
MY DAD IS SUPER WORRIED PLZ CHECK IN
W HIM
Im all alone n scared pls come get me corner of Flatbush and Atlantic
REESE
I showed the email to Dad, and he was like, “Flatbush and Atlantic? How did he get all the way to Brooklyn?”
And then Dad was like, “We have to go get him.”
And the rest of us were like, “But then we’ll never win the scavenger hunt! There’s only a few hours left!”
WYATT
Then your dad was all, “Guys, I’m going to be completely honest with you: there’s ALREADY no way you’re goin
g to win. It’s after 1:00pm, and all you’ve got is a taxi receipt, some mangled legs in front of the Statue of Liberty, and a half-eaten donut.
“You’re getting CRUSHED. Now, come with me and we’ll go get James, so at least everybody can get home in one piece.”
XANDER
That was harsh, yo. Big Daddy Tapper done showed us the back of his hand with that speech.
But I was aaiite with it. ’Cause I was cookin’ up a secret plan to win.
REESE
Xander asked my dad if the three of us could take a cab back to his place—which was just a couple blocks from Culvert Prep—and wait there while Dad went to Brooklyn to get James.
Wyatt and I were like, “Why do you want to go to your place?”
And Xander was all, “Secret plan, yo.”
And we were like, “What secret plan?”
And he was like, “Two words: Photoshop.”
CLAUDIA
“Photoshop” is one word.
REESE
Seriously? It’s not, like, “photo” and “shop”?
CLAUDIA
No. It’s just “Photoshop.”
REESE
Oh. I don’t think Xander knows that. Ed. Note: list of things Xander doesn’t know is VERY VERY LONG Anyway, Dad wasn’t too hot on the idea of us splitting up again. But we swore up and down we’d go straight to Xander’s and not leave there for any reason, except maybe if his apartment was on fire.
Then Dad was like, “WHY would Xander’s apartment be on fire?”
And we were like, “There won’t be a fire! It was just an example!”
And he was like, “PROMISE me you’re not going to light anything on fire.”
And we were like, “OF COURSE NOT!”
So finally, he put us in a cab uptown Ed. Note: more bad judgment by Dad (but did not actually result in fire) and then headed to Brooklyn to find James.
I probably should have reminded Dad that James is a huge liar, so there was a good chance he wasn’t really in Brooklyn. But I was so psyched to find out about Xander’s secret plan that I just kind of forgot.
So that was my bad.
CHAPTER 20
PARVATI GETS A LITTLE TOO LOUD
CLAUDIA
It turns out there’s a downside to being as famous as Deondra, which is that whenever you’re at home, shifty-looking guys with huge cameras will hang around outside your apartment to snap pictures and/or follow you when you leave.
The official word for them is “paparazzi,” which I think means “annoying photographer” in Italian. There were four of them hanging around outside Deondra’s building when we got there. I don’t think any of them were actually Italian, but one was French. And even though he was shifty-looking, he turned out to be very cool.
JENS
The French one was a good guy, for sure.
CLAUDIA
His name was Jacques. When Jens and I started hanging out in front of the building, he said, “You look for Deondra?”
I said, “Yes! Do you know if she’s inside?”
Jacques said, “Think so. Assistant came and walked dog. So dog is home. Usually, if dog is home, so is Deondra.”
“What kind of dog is it?” I asked him.
“Rottweiler,” he said. Which made sense. If a bunch of shifty-looking guys were constantly hanging around outside my apartment, I’d get a Rottweiler, too.
Then he said, “You want to meet her?”
I said, “Not exactly… We just need a picture of her kissing this—” and I showed him our Calvin the Cat. He gave us a weird look, so we explained about the scavenger hunt.
JENS
I asked the French guy, “Do you think she will do this for us?”
And he said, “Maybe. For big star, she is pretty cool. But you should hope dog is not with her.”
So I said, “The dog is not cool also?”
And he said, “The dog is a real .” Ed. Note: can’t use actual word (b/c filthy) Which is a word I did not know in English.
Then he thought some more and said, “But maybe dog just don’t like photographers.”
CLAUDIA
For a while after that, not much happened, except that Jacques told us paparazzi stories. Some of them were pretty crazy. At one point, he showed us a scar on his forearm that he said he got when a very famous movie star bit him outside a restaurant.
I’m not 100% sure that was true, but the scar was definitely bite-shaped. And considering what I’ve read online about that particular movie star, it seems believable. Ed. Note: Dad says I can’t print name of star or I will get sued.
Then the gate went up at the entrance to Deondra’s building’s parking garage, and a big SUV came out.
All the paparazzi suddenly ran to their vehicles—two of them had motorcycles, one was on a mountain bike, and Jacques was riding a Vespa scooter—and zoomed off to follow the SUV.
“Where are they going?” we yelled at him.
“Don’t know!” he yelled back. But before he scootered off, he gave us his business card and told us if we texted him our number, he’d text back and let us know where Deondra ended up.
So we texted the number on his card, Ed. Note: U.S. number (pretty sure it is crazy expensive to text someone in France) and five minutes later, he texted back.
TEXT MESSAGES (Claudia and shifty-but-cool French guy)
Hi, Jacques! I am the Deondra fan you
just met. If you could text me her location,
that would be amazingly awesome, and I
would hugely appreciate it.
Zoso in West Village
CLAUDIA
I had no idea what Zoso was, so I googled it.
PARVATI
I can NOT believe you never heard of Zoso. It’s, like, THE most happening restaurant in all of Manhattan.
CLAUDIA
Had you ever been there?
PARVATI
Of course not! It’s, like, impossible to get a table if you’re a normal human being. You have to be either famous or rich or both.
CLAUDIA
Zoso is so exclusive it doesn’t even have a website, so we had to get the exact location (Grove Street) from an OMG Celebrities In The Wild! story about a movie star Ed. Note: NOT same movie star who bit Jacques who threw up on a parked car outside the front door.
We got in a cab—which cost me almost all the cash I had, but I didn’t want to take any chances—and drove to Grove Street, which is one of those totally cute West Village side streets that looks like a movie set.
Along the way, I called Parvati—who was still in line for the FAO Schwarz floor piano—because this was a huge moment for Team Melting Pot. And I wanted to congratulate her for the amazing detective work.
Unfortunately, calling Parvati turned out to be an epic mistake.
PARVATI
Can I just say, what happened was NOT my fault?
CARMEN
How was it not your fault? You screamed, “CLAUDIA FOUND DEONDRA! SHE’S EATING BRUNCH AT ZOSO!” Like, so loud the entire store heard it.
PARVATI
You’re the one who asked me why I was jumping up and down!
CARMEN
I didn’t know you were going to scream highly sensitive information at the top of your lungs! ESPECIALLY when Colin Hartley was standing two feet away from us!
PARVATI
I’m sorry, but if YOU had spent your entire life worshiping Deondra and everything she does? You’d go a little mental when you found out where she was having brunch, too.
Speaking of mental—Colin posting that on ClickChat was, like, the world’s dumbest move. It’s one thing to, like, go down to Zoso and get a Deondra pic yourself.
But telling EVERYONE in the hunt where she is? Totally ridic.
CLAUDIA
Zoso didn’t have a sign or menu or anything out front, so when we got to Grove Street, we wouldn’t have known where it was if it hadn’t been for all the paparazzi standing across the street.
JENS
The man said, “May I help you?” But the way he said it, he did not really want to help.