Chasing After Infinity

by L. Jayne

  As we hold hands, I fall into the awaiting darkness.

  chapter sixteen

  AVENA

  At the morning light, I awaken. My eyes flicker open slowly to see someone lying across from me, one arm slung across his face, mouth parted slightly as he breathes out, eyes closed. Dark hair, strong shoulders, the same lips that would be in its perpetual smirk. Confusion flutters through me as I quickly sit up, yelling "Arghhhhhh!"

  Without thinking, I push Adrian off as he drowsily rolls over. His green eyes open, half-lidded, still drunk with sleep. I decide to take advantage of his half-asleep situation and punch him so hard that he staggers backward and topples over the side of the couch, wincing. My sheets gather around him as he stares at me down on the floor, now wide awake.

  "What are you doing here!" I yell at him, looking around. "I mean...how--what--"

  For a few seconds, he just stares at me, surprised. "The hell you talking about?" Adrian narrows his chlorine eyes at me, his voice still scratchy with sleep, rising to his feet, buttoning his shirt up. "Don't you remember? It was you who had called me last night--"

  Then the hazy drunken memory of last night comes rushing back to me. The nightmare about Mom drowning, and then...I look over to Adrian. What happened last night comes crashing over me as I look at the empty cans of beer and scrabbling over, I struggle to get away from him. We were both drunk, this overnight thing was just an accident.

  And dammit, my dad is coming home from work in less than an hour.

  “Get up!” I hiss at him, jostling Adrian’s shoulder, his hair is dishevelled and his shirt is wrinkled now.

  “What time is it?” He says, stretching his arms over his head and yawning.

  “It’s already seven in the morning.”

  “Well, then it’s my cue to go.” Adrian slides on his jacket, smiling. “You know, I’ve never slept with a girl without sleeping with her--”

  And that’s pretty odd for him. he spent the night with me. Just sleeping I might add, he didn't once try to do anything inappropriate.

  I smack his arm. “Do you want me to punch you again? Now go before my dad comes home.”

  Adrian nods and pulls out his car keys in his pocket as I guide him to the front door. Just before he leaves, he turns around.

  “If you need anything, I’ll be here, okay?” He grabs me and brushes his lips against my forehead.

  And something in me cracks a bit. My mouth dry, I nod at him.

  He waves me with his salute and without looking back; he starts down the driveway to his parked Cadillac.

  I close the door and swallowing, I’m left alone again in my own perplexity.

  When Dad comes home, he doesn’t notice any of the signs that I’ve been drinking, much less had a guy over to spend the night. He asks me how my day was and I reply with a stiff answer and with a smile, he goes up to his office where he spends the rest of Saturday typing a report.

  At school on Monday, it’s hard to look at Adrian without thinking of the night but we manage to get along like normal, him taunting me in his usual way while I throw daggers at him with my eyes.

  But in a way, the night has changed everything between us.

  ***

  My mind is half-preoccupied with the Autumn Ball coming up. I’ve signed up for the dance committee and my mind is full of decorations, music, and fruit punch. Kara is going with a guy in her English class while Hayden has asked a girl from St. Xavier’s to be his date. I was originally planning to not attend but then the food there lured me in and I’ve decided to just go solo. Effortless and uncomplicated.

  At lunch, I’m greeted and waved over by Valerie who’s sitting with Blake and a couple of other guys like Mark Summerski and Jake Chen. “Finally another sane girl who’s sitting here,” she sighs as I take the seat next to her. “Everyone’s crazy about the upcoming dance. Ask any girl and she’d be gushing about her date or something.”

  “Dances are just boring,” Mark Perrier says, eating up his sandwich. “We, being the guys, are forced to go.”

  “At least you’re going with Liliana Stevens,” his buddy Jake remarks, grinning. “Maybe she’d give you a little something after the dreaded dance is over--”

  “Just ignore the guys here, they’re idiots,” Valerie assures me. “After all, their thinking is way down in their pants.”

  “Aw, Valerie, you’re being sexist again,” Blake says, slinging an arm around her as she tries to wriggle out, “You know you don’t mind what’s in our pants.”

  “Spare me,” she replies, elbowing him away, sipping Perrier.

  Blake shakes his head and finally looks at me, noticing me sitting there. “Hey, you’re going to the ball too, right?”

  I shrug, poking at my crummy salad. “Probably.”

  “Then we should go together then,” he offers, smiling. “Just so we don’t look like loners in the crowd. My last date bailed on me.”

  I gaze at him, his blond curly hair, and playful brown eyes. He’s cute and his type of personality is just what I needed. Plus, I don’t want to reject him in front of his friends so I smile and say, “Sure, that’d be great.”

  “Alright,” Blake says, flickering his eyes over me, grinning widely. “I’ll pick you up at around seven then.”

  When the dance comes around this evening, I’m oddly nervous as Blake and I drive to the school. Tonight is going to be…interesting, to say the least.

  We arrive at the packed and bustling gymnasium, the walls covered with fleur-de-lis and fallen leaves, strobe lights raking the floor where already a whole crowd of students were dancing to the wild, fast beat. When dancers move into the circle, their bodies are lit up with tiny dots of orange. Smoke wisps are flowing from the stage where a band is playing their song, screeching into the microphone. The music is as usual, loud and crazy and from one sweep of the eyes, there are no teachers or chaperones around.

  Valerie spots me and she swirls right over, grabbing her date along. She hugs me and exclaims about how dressed up we are, laughing. I can already tell that this night is going to be delightfully frothy and bubbly, just light chatter and smooth dancing, no troubles of any kind.

  I smile and talk to some of the other girls who join our conversation, conscious of Blake’s arm slung casually over my shoulder the entire time. I look around, noticing a whole bunch of students milling around, talking to each other, at the food table, or dancing easily under the disco ball hung up on the ceiling. My gaze lands on Graham, him grinning down to a sophomore girl, pulling her into the dance floor. My heart lurches and I turn away fast, my heart beating like crazy.

  As the night wears on, I shove him out of my mind and when the lights start to dim, indicating that every couple is turning to the dance floor.

  I grin to Blake as he gives me a glass of fruit punch and inclines his head to the dance floor.

  “You a smooth dancer?” He teases me, looking especially good this night with his platinum blond curls, and wearing a white button-down with a loosely knotted tie.

  “We’ll see about that,” I say, grinning as he leads me down into the writhing mass of sweaty bodies. I see a couple of students that I recognize, Anna Jacques slow dancing with her boyfriend in the middle of everyone grinding, Leslie Danes and Josh Kiplinger kissing under the autumn disco ball. A guy near me has his hand up his partner’s hair as they sway, both of them lost in their own worlds. Dancing turns into tightly packed, rhythmic sway when there are so many people around us in the massive swarm. It’s already getting warm and I’m glad for my breezy green chiffon dress. I don’t know what the song is, but the beat drops down heavily and makes my head feeling dizzy. Blake grabs my waist and we move closely together.

  “You haven’t stepped on my foot once,” Blake says, grinning near my ear, his hands cupping my waist, bringing me closer to him.

  “You’re not so bad either,” I reply, laughing as he slides my hand up to rest on his biceps. He leans into me, his breath light on my ear.

&nb
sp; “So…say, have you got a boyfriend, Avena?” He asks as we dance, his fingers playing with the delicate strap of my dress.

  I shake my head. “I’d much rather be riding solo.”

  “And why is that?”

  “Much less complicated.”

  “Interesting,” he murmurs, his fingers dancing along my collarbone. “You’re a strange case.”

  We’re dancing toward the band when I notice that some of the couples near the edge of the strobe-lit dance floor have paused for a second to stare at the couple in the light. As we keep turning and swaying, the couple comes into view and my heart seizes up when I recognize Adrian. He looks sexy, oozing appeal in his severe all-black tux. Dangerous. His date is a blond who’s draped herself all over him like her clingy purple cocktail dress. I recognize her to be Lauren Japeno, the Tao Sau sorority sister. All of the other girls with their dates stop for an instant, turning to look at them for a moment before resuming their dance.

  Adrian leads Lauren by the hand as she kisses the back of his neck, leaving red lipstick all over his collar. The strobe lights flicker over them as he turns her around, guiding her hips into his as they dance in a mesmerizing way. She touches his sides, gyrating her body into his as if he’s some stripper pole, sliding her head back, her eyes closed in sensuality.

  I swallow, tearing my eyes away. I concentrate on my own dancing partner and smile up at Blake when he notices my eyes drifting off. He holds me closer to me, his hand pressed against the small of my back.

  “Something wrong?” He whispers into my ear.

  I shake my head. “Nothing.”

  Just then, Adrian and his date spin around until they’re right behind us. Adrian’s eyes open mid-kiss and he’s still smiling until he sees me. Then he stops for a second—just a brief flicker.

  Muffling my view of him, I try to angle myself away from them, trying to lose myself in the music. I rest my face against Blake’s shirt, trying to regain some of my earlier elation.

  Blake slides his hand into my hair while we dance, his breath on my ear. His touch is soft and he’s pulling me closer to him, my arms wrapped around his neck.

  “So,” he begins, his face near mine, grinning teasingly, “are you sure that you’re not into anyone right now?”

  “I’m positive,” I say.

  “Then…” Blake flicks his eyes over me, his hand resting on my arm, “are you implying that you’re available?”

  Then he moves his nose close to mine, pulling me tighter to him.

  “Maybe,” I say coyly, directing my words at Adrian. He must’ve heard me because his eyes land on me.

  A flash of darkness in Adrian’s eyes is then replaced with coolness. He abruptly swivels Lauren to the side, pressing his lips to the column of her neck while she arches. While kissing her neck, his gaze is still on me as if testing my limits. He wants to know how far I’ll go and weaken my restraint.

  I refuse to join him at his own game. I refuse to become his pawn.

  “Ex—excuse me,” I say to Blake, clearing my throat. “I have to go get a drink because all this dancing has made me thirsty.”

  “Grab me a glass too, will you?” Blake calls out, grinning as I start toward the refreshments table, watching me.

  I skim past students gyrating into each other, putting up with the occasional brush of skin. The dancing bodies are everywhere I swim through the crowd. The smell of perspiration and cloying perfume, the flashing lights, and the thrum of the music makes every touch, every sight surreal.

  Instead of heading for the fruit punch, I turn into the hallway and push into the door of the ladies’. There are a bunch of girls in there, freshening up their make-up and chattering.

  In the mirror, I look like a sweaty mess. My mascara is getting smudged around my eyes and my hair is unkempt due to Blake’s fingers running through it and I look flushed, my cheeks red. I try to cool down by splashing water over my face, gripping the sink tightly. What was it back there?

  I close my eyes, the image of Adrian’s stark anger in my mind. I feel like I’m losing control. Going mad.

  He had no right to act the way he did. If he wanted to ask me to this dance, he could’ve done it earlier, days earlier. He must’ve just wanted to see me riled up.

  If there’s one thing I know about him, Adrian likes playing with his toys.

  I take a deep breath and try to settle my hormones down. I spend fifteen minutes there, just trying to get my bearings, closing my eyes and gripping the sink tightly.

  Then I feel someone beside me. When I turn, I recognize Adrian’s date, the buxom blond he was dancing with earlier. Lauren’s talking to her friend, laughing in a raspy way.

  “Whew, my heels are killing me,” the blond says, pursing her lips to reapply her red hot lipstick.

  Her friend, a brunette with her chest nearly spilling out from her dress, nods. “You were on fire on the dance floor,” she teases, screwing back her mascara wand, “Huntington looked like he was going to get you pregnant.”

  “He’s sexy all right,” Lauren says, studying her reflection in the mirror, examining every angle. “All fluff.”

  “That piece of man candy is much too tempting for his own good.”

  I concentrate on combing my hair with my fingers, trying to block them out but not succeeding.

  Her friend giggles. “Is he good in bed too?”

  “Oh, he’s good everywhere,” Lauren remarks, pausing to give her friend a wily smile. They exchange a look before going on to reapply their make-up.

  As I leave and brush past them, I “accidentally” bump into Lauren. She’s in the middle of coating her lashes with mascara and as I brush past her, the wand jerks across her eyelid, creating a long black line to mar her perfect makeup. She shoots me a glare.

  I head out into the dance floor again and this time, I spot Hayden and Kara dancing together. He has a hand holding her waist to him while they slowly rock forward and back. Her eyes are closed as they sway peacefully and I smile inwardly. I’ve always suspected that they might have a thing for each other.

  Wading into the crowd, I submit to the pulse racing music and start looking for Blake. He’s nowhere to be found.

  Then all my muscles pull in tight as I back into a familiar body. Instead of stirring away, the person lowers his lips over my ear and whisper, “May I have this dance?”

  His arms are already around me so I can’t refuse him. Besides, I’ve already lose the ability to speak. I’m trapped in a mindless blur. He pulls me back into his hip and we move together in synch to the rhythm. A heat between our bodies is generated and I can hardly swallow.

  He rests his hand on my exposed back, his thumb brushing the skin there, making me exhale slightly. His seeking fingers travel downwards to my hip where they hold me to him, guiding our hips together. I focus on the satiny black material of his tux, refusing to meet his heated gaze. His tie is off; looks like someone had pulled it off.

  He sweeps my hair to one side, his touch soft and sending a tremor through me. Leaning over slightly, his lips find my earlobe, marking a hot blazing trail from there to my collarbone. My world blurs, the multicoloured lights and all the other people disappear as my world is filled with only Adrian. I can only exhale sharply, closing my eyes as sweat begins to build up.

  My breaths coming in ragged, he kisses the back of my neck and bites on the skin softly where a bead has formed, sending an electric shock. The throbbing music bangs on my head, causing a whirlwind of dizziness. It feels like I’m drunk. Heady drunk.

  Adrian slides one strap down and starts kissing my shoulder blades, tracing a delicious arc. His mouth is hot on my skin, devouring me. I want to stay. I want to run away and never look back. But I’m frozen.

  His breath is on the back of my neck. “Does he make your heart race like I do?” His voice is drunk a bit and I remember how he told me that he and his friends had spiked the punch. I stifle a gasp as his lips run across my neck.

  “Stop fighting,”
he whispers into my skin, as if sensing my unruly emotions.

  With one swift motion, he spins me around and his mouth is over mine and I don’t resist. He gnaws my bottom lip, sending waves of sexual energy crashing down on me. I respond to his desire, parting my lips, tasting his smoky tonic and sweet punch. Our mouths slide over one another, hot and smooth. I wind my fingers into his dark hair, wanting to absorb him and his passion. He grips my body to him tight, his hands sliding over my backside.

  Then from out of nowhere, he pushes me roughly away. I jerk to a stop and follow Adrian’s dark eyes to where Blake is standing, his back to us. Just as he turns and looks at me, Adrian and I have already put space between us.

  “There you are,” Blake says, wading through the crowd to us, a smile on his lips.

  “You’re back,” I say feebly.

  “Are you ready to go?” Blake says, his eyes glinting as he drinks some punch.

  I glance back to Adrian and then to Blake’s nonchalance. Suddenly, this night is just too much. “Yeah, let’s just leave,” I suggest to Blake, feeling silly and confused.

  When he doesn’t reply, I grab his hand and start tugging him away from Adrian who’s still standing there, watching us.

  After I get home, I wash away all my make-up until I look like myself. Until I’m vulnerable inside. Gazing at myself, I look tired and exposed. I curse myself for losing control, for succumbing to Adrian’s willpower, for acting like one of his marionettes.

  “Coward,” I say to my reflection. “You’re nothing but a coward.”

  chapter seventeen

  ADRIAN

  I drive around aimlessly, my mind blank and heart stinging as I fight for control. My fingers grip the wheel too tightly as I race down the highway, going well above the speed limit. The black sky is glaring back at me, the shadowy silhouettes of forests and lightlamps in the distance of the big city corporations and billboards screaming light in the night.

  The sounds of girls laughing in my ears ring repeatedly, the drunken whoosh of air past my ears and their hands all over me; ripping off my jacket, my discarded tie lying in the huddle, my senses buzzed and silent--mute. I don't remember anything else about two hours ago. After Avena had left with Blake Ryerson and after the sixth round of tonic, I was barely semi-conscious.