Chasing After Infinity

by L. Jayne

  As soon as class is over, I start to search for him. In the sea of faces and bodies in the hall, I feel lost. Finally, I know where he is. Turning the corner into the southern wing and going downstairs, I end up bursting through the back door of the school.

  My guess is right. Adrian leans against the brick wall, smoking furiously, his eyes gazing straight ahead. His hair is mussed, and he looks like he hasn’t slept but spent the entire night smoking, his eyes tired looking and slightly red.

  The fading sunlight is pale and the air is sharp and dry like winter. I stand frozen as I watch him until he looks up, noticing my eyes on him. He doesn’t even look surprised.

  “Hey.” His green eyes are unnerving as I walk closer to him.

  All I want him to do is just hold me tight. But by the way he’s looking at me warily; I know that he’s not going to move towards me. Rather, his whole posture is tense and rigid as if he can’t move a single muscle.

  “I knew you were going to be here,” I say, struggling to keep my voice even.

  “Really?” His lips curve up and he looks away, his smile forced and sardonic. I swallow, my words lodged in my throat. I want to talk to him, really talk to him about yesterday night but both of us are stiff.

  Something about him is cold and distant and my throat feels constricted. As we regard each other, I feel like I want to break the sudden silence.

  “What’s wrong?” The words are slipping out and I curse myself for sounding so weak.

  His thumbs are hooked in his belt loops but I can tell that his fingers are tense and his shoulders rigid under the shirt. He stares at me, green orbs narrowed. Then he speaks and all the tension is in his voice.

  “Nothing. Why? Is there something wrong?” He’s looking at me intently, his eyes burning like emerald flames. He holds the end of his cigarette, stubbing it out.

  We both know he’s lying.

  “Stop doing that,” I say. “Don’t.”

  Adrian says nothing, looking away. He’s keeping me at a distance.

  “Why are you pushing me away now?” I whisper, my hands balled up.

  I come closer to him until our faces almost touch.

  As quick as a flash, Adrian puts me up against the side of the building. My back hits the wall hard, enough to make my ears ring. His body pushes into mine, trapping me between his hands and the bricks. His breathing is uneven, his light breath stirring my hair.

  I wait for the eventual kiss, the moment where his lips meet mine hard and rough but he doesn’t do anything.

  A lump is in my throat. “Either kiss me or let me go,” I say, my voice angry.

  “I--” Adrian makes a low sound in the back of his throat and his eyes look conflicted as he struggles to keep his composure.

  Then I snap. “One minute we’re together and the next you’re distant and pushing me away. I just don’t understand you! What’s your problem?” I start to scream at him, trying to hit him but he restrains me.

  Then I fall limp as I stare into his burning eyes. “All those times, did you feel anything?”

  He doesn’t answer me and I tear myself out of his arms.

  My anger is bubbling under the surface.

  I’m sick of being yanked around in this tug of war of feelings.

  Adrian never felt the same way. It was entirely my fault I’d grown too attached.

  I walk away. It’s the only thing I can do.

  “Avena,” he whispers.

  I can’t let myself turn back. If I turn back, I know I’d break. So I just keep on going, walking faster and jerkier until I break into a run. He doesn’t run after me

  I leave him there, surrounded by broken dreams and broken hopes.

  chapter twenty-four

  ADRIAN

  I try to avoid Avena as much as possible throughout the day and I’ve stopped going to the beach. The only times I see her are in calculus class where we sit as far away from each other as possible and the still silence of the class masks our strain. I see her brush hair out of her eyes and chew the tip of her pencil and I have to look away before the churning inside starts.

  As I’m walking to the biology lab, I hear my name being called. “Wait up!”

  I instinctively turn and find Valerie walking towards me from behind, her hand waving, glossy lips smiling. Her blond hair is hanging loosely around her shoulders and as usual, she looks impeccable with her carefully applied makeup. I let her catch up to me.

  I try to smile. “Hey, what’s up?” I say, casting a questioning look at her as we start to walk.

  “I heard,” Valerie says, blinking her blue eyes at me, “about you and Avena.”

  I sigh. So that’s what she’s here for. “I don’t know what happened. I guess the spark just burned out.”

  “Are you okay?” She asks, her voice disquiet.

  When I realize she’s not going to pry the information out of me, I relax slightly. “Yeah,” I reply. “What’s there to dwell on? We all knew that this was going to happen sooner or later.”

  “Hey,” Valerie says softly. “You don’t sound okay.”

  I’m sick of this. Sick of jerking around. I curse. “Dammit, fine! I’m not okay. There, are you happy?” I turn to meet her eyes and we stop in the middle of the hall.

  “See, I know you,” she says, both of us ignoring the surrounding people as they have to walk around us. “You’re only fooling yourself, Huntington.”

  I stop. “It’s over, Valerie. There’s nothing left to say to her. I don’t feel the need to. Let well enough alone, will you?”

  Valerie grabs me by the arm, forcing me to look at her. “You’re going to lose her. If you’re not going to fight for her, she’ll be gone.”

  I jerk my arm out and fix her with a cool smile. “Really? Good. I want her to be gone. I don’t need another ex to be wailing after me. The sooner the better, mm?”

  “You didn’t—you didn’t sleep with her, right?” Valerie says.

  “We never got around to that.”

  She pauses to stare up into my eyes. “Wow. You took your time?” She shakes her head. “Maybe you have changed then.”

  “I didn’t want her to get committed,” I say roughly.

  Valerie scoffs and finally laughs a surprised laugh. “You? Caring about some girl’s feelings?” Then she steels her eyes again. “Adrian, listen to me--”

  “Just drop it,” I say tersely.

  She cuts me off. “I know you love her.” Her eyes are locked tightly on mine.

  And suddenly, all the air has escaped from my lungs.

  What? Her words make no sense to me even though they were spoken as plain as day.

  Feeling as if drunk, I stare back at her, wordless.

  “Now I figure you’d go after her and maybe get some sense knocked into your head,” Valerie says brusquely and without another word, she slips away, walking down the hall in the opposite direction.

  The ocean of faces blurs. I don’t need this. With my head spinning, I lean against the locker, blinking.

  “Hey.”

  My head turns to see Lauren walking towards me, her red lips in a pout and eyes sparkling with mischief. “I haven’t seen you in some time,” I say.

  “I didn’t want to intrude,” she says, smiling. “Is everything good…?”

  “Everything’s good,” I reply.

  Lauren leans into me, her hand covering my shoulder as my head starts to whirl again. I pull her to me roughly and a light headed rush engulfs me as she squeezes my biceps, biting her lip. Her finger brushes along my stomach, a light caress and she looks up at me with a slight smile.

  “So…rematch?”

  When she twists her fingers into my hair and pulls me closer to her, I don’t resist even if I know that I’m screwing everything up. Again.

  ***

  AVENA

  I can hardly look at him in calculus class. He’s either flirting with the girls beside him or skipping class altogether. He’s heartbreak waiting to happen.

&
nbsp; I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. Perplexity, bitterness, and maybe a hint of confusion. I don’t even know if we’re still…whatever we were before, or something else entirely.

  “It’s that asshole making you sad, isn’t it?” Hayden says beside me as we walk to class. I’m glad to finally have a moment to talk to him after a while. “I can tell.”

  “I don’t want to talk about this,” I say, walking a little faster than him.

  He catches my hand. “You said you wouldn’t get hurt. He’s hurting you right now.”

  I look into his periwinkle blue eyes. “I just didn’t know that it was going to be like this.”

  Then Hayden pauses and tries to steer me away. “Don’t look, let’s go this way.”

  “What?” I sputter and try to crane my head above his shoulder.

  Then I see why. Adrian has pushed a blond up the locker, crushing her in his kiss, jerking her mouth to his. She wraps her arms around his neck, knotting her hands in his hair, urging him closer. His hand is up her shirt, feeling her back as she giggles, moaning into his mouth.

  I’m embarrassed for the scene they’re making. I take a step back into Hayden who catches me, my fingers digging into his arm. Everything in me seizes up as all the blood is drained from my face. Before I can think, I tear forward, pushing aside the passerbys, and grab Lauren away from Adrian. She yelps as I push her violently to the other side.

  Adrian blinks, squinting at me, looking like he’d just woken up from a dream.

  “You’re back to your ways, huh?” I spit at him. “This quick?”

  I don’t care if I’m attracting a rapt audience. All I need is to yell at Adrian, scream at him.

  Adrian’s lips are sticky from Lauren’s lip gloss and his hair is messy and tousled like her hands had gone through it many times. “I didn’t want--” His eyes are pained.

  “Screw you, Huntington!” I explode. “I don’t care about your pathetic explanations. I should’ve listened to everyone when they told me that I shouldn’t get involved with someone with your kind of reputation.”

  I shove him back. “I don’t even know why I care. Fine, go ahead, make out with as many girls as you like--”

  “I can’t do—dammit!” Adrian starts to yell back at me, his voice hoarse and low. “Don’t you get it? I want you, not her, not any of them.”

  My voice is getting higher. “Bullshit!”

  “Godammit, I want you,” he snarls, grabbing my arms. He spins me onto my locker until my back is pressed against the cold bite of the metal. He clutches me, leaning to kiss me with those lips that just kissed someone else, and I’m pounding my fists into his chest.

  Suddenly, he’s shoved away from me. “Get the fuck away from her!”

  In a flash of movement and blond hair, Hayden charges Adrian, throwing him to the floor. “I’ll fight you a second time, you son of a bitch!”

  “Go on, then. Punch me!” Adrian says from the ground, his lip bleeding as he laughs sardonically. “Hey, come on! Hit me!”

  Before Hayden can punch him, I restrain him by jerking him back by his shoulders. “Don’t!” I yell. “He’s not worth it.”

  Hayden’s breathing heavily and fury is on his face. “Don’t,” I repeat.

  I lead him out of the mob as shouts and yells ensue all around us.

  “He’s not worth it,” I spit at Adrian.

  Tears blur my vision until I can’t see anything at all.

  ***

  ADRIAN

  It’s almost night and the sky is an inky blue. Car lights from the other side of the windshield blink at me. My head is pounding as I drive, my hands gripping the wheel in a death grip. I can’t focus on anything but the red haze in front of my eyes and the hostility in Avena’s eyes as she screamed at me, making me lurch back.

  Her words had blinded me and I’d rather her hit me across my face.

  I try to forget those eyes that looked through me. I try to pretend.

  And for once, I’m tired of pretending. Of playing games.

  I can’t do this anymore. I’m making myself sick.

  With determination, I steer the car to the left lane and speed through the mass of cars and traffic. Cars honk at me as I veer sharply around a corner. When a song comes on, I drive on, turning the music up higher.

  I’m jumping on the last train,

  With the crazy kind of feeling that I can't explain.

  Don’t know where the hell I'm going,

  But, I'm going after you.

  I press on the pedal harder as I pass a green light, adrenaline pumping in my veins. Cars squeal past me as I drive faster, my hands shaking on the wheel.

  Would you give me one more minute,

  The story's far from finished,

  We could fill in all the pages.

  How can I get a second chance?

  I don't want you slipping out my hands,

  Maybe the words will come out right,

  They sound alright.

  Just hear me out before I go,

  Things that I wanted you to know.

  Just let me in tonight,

  And I will let you go.

  Would you give me one more minute,

  The story's far from finished,

  We could fill in all the pages.

  I'm feeling sick,

  Girl, you're so contagious.

  I merge into a familiar neighbourhood, the houses with picket fencing and slates, driving through the road. Then I finally stop at a red bricked house with empty flower beds and cracking concrete steps.

  I’m going to go after her.

  Getting out of the car, I look up at the house. I go up to the door and press the doorbell. When no one answers, I press it a second time.

  Then I hear light footsteps from the other side of the door and then a click as light pours through and the door opens.

  Avena stands, her eyes are defensive, face pale. Her lips are tight as stretching elastic and she looks like she’s about to fall to pieces. Right here. In front of me.

  “I came by just to see you for a moment,” I say as everything breaks.

  chapter twenty-five

  AVENA

  I try to slam the door on him but just as I close it, he sweeps out his hand and catches it. It hits the paneling and he winces.

  “What do you want?” My voice is shaking.

  “Please, let me in,” Adrian says, his voice twisting and hoarse. “I just want to talk to you for a moment.”

  “I don’t want to discuss this,” I say curtly and try to close the door on him again but his hand pushes it open again. It’s a battle of wills.

  “Would you give me just one minute?”

  I look into his eyes—swirling pools of chlorine.

  “Just hear me out before I go.”

  Reluctantly, I open the door for him and as he walks in, I smell his familiar scent that seizes me. He turns to face me.

  “Avena.”

  My heart is thrumming as my name curls out of his lips. I maintain my cool look at him, refusing to dissolve under his metallic gaze.

  “So go ahead. Explain yourself,” I say, crossing my arms over my chest.

  “You don’t want an explanation.” Adrian is still gazing at me in that way of his that sends every nerve on fire. “I kissed her because…I felt like it. She was there and it just happened.”

  I scoff. “Like with every other girl you’ve hooked up with?” I shake my head. I should’ve never let him come in. “You know what, that’s all I need to hear. Because that just seals it. You’re the most despicable, worthless low-life ever and I want you to out of my house right now.”

  When he doesn’t turn, I grab my glass from the counter.

  Adrian exhales sharply. “Just listen—”

  I don’t. Instead, I pour the fruit cocktail over his head. The liquid drips all over his dark hair and shirt, leaving a faint red stain.

  He closes his eyes. “I guess I deserved that.”

  “That’s for
the first day,” I snarl, trying to push him into the door. But not before his hand reaches out quickly to pull me back.

  “The first second I saw you, I figured that you weren't going to be like any other girl that I've met."

  His green eyes meet mine. “You got under my skin like nobody else had. That day, you told me to take responsibility for my actions. And that was the biggest wake up call in my life as I realized everything was going to shit around me."

  I look into his face, seeing something there and glance away, unable to feel anything. Just this continuous numbness. “Okay,” I manage to say.

  “And--” Adrian looks away. “Dammit, I can't undo my feelings now. I can't go back to when we didn't know each other. That time has already disappeared. As soon as there was the brief thought that you were dead, I’ve never been so scared in my life. When it turned into something I couldn’t handle…well, I tend to run away from my problems as you know.”

  He looks up. “When you left, I realized you were the only girl I’ve ever given a fuck about. When I said that I don’t care about the others, I meant it.”

  My mind begins to spin—whether out of confusion or fatigue, it’s unknown.

  “You’re unable to love. I can’t love you either,” I choke out. “We’re poison for each other.”

  “No,” Adrian says into my hair as he pulls me to him until my head is in the crook of his collarbone and I’m inhaling in his scent. “We’re infinity together. Unstoppable.”

  “Stop,” I say, pushing him away.

  Adrian releases me agonizingly slow, the tortured intake of breath. “What do you want from me?”

  “I want you to let me go.” My voice is shaky. “That’s all. I may be the only thing on your mind for now but later, you’ll go back to your old habits. Adrian, don’t deny it. It’s in your nature and you can’t fight nature.”

  “You can fight nature. You can go against fate. It’s only when you surrender to the forces that it controls you.”

  Adrian reaches out with his hand to press against the back of my head and tugs me closer, tilting my head so that he kisses me. A blaze of all-consuming fire runs through me, making me gasp involuntarily, parting my lips. My heart breaks again and again as I clutch the sides of his shirt, walking backwards onto the couch where we tumble onto the futon.