by L. Jayne
My eyes lock onto his and in them, I see inferno of fire, everything that I both want and fear.
The moment he kisses me, I can't control my resisting feelings anymore. My emotions have surged up and they're melting me away.
The cushions squeak under us as he leans into me, folding me into his body. His taste fills my mouth, sparking something in me that I can’t control. I twist my fingers around his neck, pulling him closer until our bodies are pressed together at every point. Adrian’s hands trail down my neck, over my shoulders, and slip down to undo the buttons of my shirt as our mouths are still sliding over the other, hot, and warm. Pure desire shoots like an electric shock and he pops each button open until the fabric is loose and slips over my shoulder.
His hot mouth is nipping at my shoulder blades and I grasp his collar tighter in my fists. He drags his lips back to mine, the cushion dipping under his weight as he rolls us over. My head is warm and heavy and all of my past worries have disappeared like wisps of thin air.
In the bedroom, he throws me to the bed and I jerk him to me, pulling him on top of me as we kiss. I sink into the mattress, revelling in the feel of his rough lips on mine and the smooth fabric of the comforter beneath me.
Adrian’s face looks razor-sharp sexy under the light which tosses shadows onto his buttery hair and across the contours of his face. His eyes are half-lidded as he kisses me fast and hard, leaving my blood pumping. His lips are pressed against mine until I’m flushed and breathless. I pull his shirt off, revealing his broad and defined chest as my fingers slide across his salty smooth skin and then onto his tattoo.
He groans into my mouth, cutting me off with a deep kiss. My legs are locked around his waist, pulling him closer. His fingers clamp onto my hips, wrapping me onto his lap as I start to move. The rest of the world whirls and spins in a dizzying array of colours. I bury my head into his shoulder as I’m being devoured in the kiss. Our bodies collide, as skin slips over skin, mouths pressed against each other, and I’m caught up in a storm.
I’m in the eye of the storm and as everything is spinning out of control around me, I don’t realize it. Instead, I embrace it.
Tears slip over my cheek, and his fingers wipe them away, kissing them away. Our tears mingle as we kiss, heat warming our senses.
“Avena, I love you” Adrian says against my mouth, his voice hoarse, sounding drunk. My mind is groggy and everything sounds far away. “I’ve always loved you.”
Shock registers in me. It sounds like him but it doesn’t seem like his voice. The Adrian I know would never whisper with such raw emotion. And I don’t know if I can handle it.
Deep cracks break open my glass heart, his words shattering into figments, and I feel it fracture.
Just like that, I fall apart into a million pieces.
***
ADRIAN
I feel the first few rays of sunlight hit my face as we lie on the bed, the sheets twisted all around us. She looks so peaceful and almost innocent as she sleeps beside me, her face open, her hair fanning out across the pillowcase.
Careful not to make a sound, I roll over to grab my shirt and stretch it over my head. I pull on my jeans that were discarded on the carpet and take one last look at her, a hard lump choking me.
I remember the first day I met Avena.
She was wearing a light jacket and jeans as she walks through the hall, exuding toughness and defiance. From the very first sight, I knew that she was going to be impossible.
Still asleep, I grab my leather jacket from the bed and slip the note from my pocket. I leave it on her dresser and before my emotions can get a hold of me, I slide out through the door.
But I pause for a second and before I can stop myself, everything flashes over in my eyes.
Her punching me across my face, her shaking sobs as I held her, the bitter sour feeling in my chest as I watched her walk away.
I play the game even though I’m up in flames and I’m burning down tonight.
Broken pieces that I’ve been trying to let go.
I can’t let her go.
But I knew that I’ll have to drag myself away.
Once in my car, I check my phone. What was the nearest train schedule leaving for 10 o’ clock?
***
AVENA
When the break of dawn rises, my eyes open. I sink against the bed, watching the morning sun slowly shift from its hiding place, washing through my nearest window blinds and making sun-drenched patterns on the cream walls.
Everything from before is a bit foggy, the same drowsy and hung-over feeling as I lie on the bed, trying to piece everything together.
Adrian…last night?
Did we really...?
My memory’s still a bit hazy around the edges and I feel like I’m drunk.
I glance over to my side and draw an intake of air. The space opposite me is empty, leaving only an indent of where he once was. Adrian. He isn’t there. Where is he?
Drowsily, I get up, stumbling a little, and rub my eyes. “Adrian?” I call and stumble out of the bed, still in my plaid pyjamas. I open the door. “Adrian?”
Nothing. Not even an echo.
He’s gone.
I turn sharply, my mind still uncooperative. Then I see the note taped onto my dresser. I slowly walk across the room and take it carefully off the hinge.
Avena-
It was December and freezing cold as we swam out into the water. You were laughing and goading me on, both of us caught up in the moment. And before I knew it, I was too far away to reach you and you were flailing around as a huge wave dragged you under. And suddenly, it was as if I was paralyzed.
This realization that you were going to die--it scared me to hell. The reality of death, how it could be unpredictable, how people could die everyday and you will never know what will happen the next minute. That I'll never get to see you again, never get to be there for you every time you cry, never be with you.
And suddenly, I knew I was fooling myself all this time.
What I said before, I meant it. It was you who taught me to step up and stop running from responsibility. In that moment where you nearly drowned, I realized I should've thought about the meaning of life because I can't seem to find a purpose for me.
Which moves on to why I'm writing this. I just want to tell you that I’m leaving for Oklahoma City to get myself straightened out. I want to find out who I am and maybe I can find some information about my birth mom there.
I can’t go back on this now. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't know how many sorrys that would make this all right.
You. The only thing in my life that never went away. When everything went to hell, you were all I had.
I finally place the note down and start laughing. The laughter continues, becoming mirthless until it finally turns to sobs.
Looking around, a new kind of fire burns in me as I stare blankly at the wall. Then getting my bag and my keys, I slip out of the door.
Then I start to run.
chapter twenty-six
AVENA
My heart is beating so loudly in my ears that I think I’m going to faint. I park in the Caulfield train station, my hands trembling as I climb out of the car. There are so many people all around me, choking off my air, talking, and laughing all around me as I look around. Panic seizes my throat as I run down the hall, past an ocean of blurring faces and loud noise drowning my senses.
Please please please please—
Someone bumps into me as I struggle past the crowd but I pay no attention to their shout. I elbow people out of my way as I thrash, run through the mass of bodies.
If he’s not here—
The nearest Go train slides through the terminal, blowing bitter wind into our faces as it pulls to a grinding, screeching halt. The smell of rusting metal and sweat is in the air as people wait for the door to slide open.
I turn, my hair almost whipping into my eyes as I crane my neck to look for his face. A man in a suit jabbers into his phone
off to the side, there’s a family of three, a woman pulling her purse up, two teenage boys laughing.
A sudden thought seeps into my mind. What if he’s already gone?
What if I’m too late?
I feel like I can’t breathe. Like all air had been sucked out of my body and my throat is completely closed.
And suddenly, I see a flashback before my eyes.
“Don’t let go.”
My mom is lying in front of me once more for a second time as I witness her death all over again. Her eyes are drained and vacant, and her hand in mine cold and clammy as it slips from my grasp. A choke is in my throat and tears prick my eyes as the doctor holds me back from her as they rush forward.
Don’t let go.
Please don’t let go.
I can’t do this.
I can’t lose him.
Looking all over, I run to the nearest platform, nearly slipping on the wet floor as people surrounding me push past me.
Then I catch a glimpse of green eyes and a turn of his dark head as he boards the train.
“Adrian!” I scream, as I run as fast as I can, my legs pumping under me. “Adrian!”
He doesn’t hear me as the door slides close, swallowing him under.
Pain blinds my world and I sway uneasily on my feet as the train moves, heading out and the next one comes up, rearing up.
“Looking for me?”
And as I turn, my heart jumps into my throat.
Adrian stands in front of me, his green eyes as endless as the ocean, a devilish smile on his lips. I stare at him, so shocked that no words come out. He seems like a hallucination, a beautiful hallucination.
He sets down his luggage and wraps me in his arms, holding me so tight to his chest that I can’t breathe. I start to sputter, running my hands over his back, trying to find out where to best hold him first. Tears well up in my eyes and I push him away roughly.
“What the hell are you doing?” I scream at him, all of the earlier pain, confusion and anger overflowing. “Running away?”
“I’m--” Adrian tries to pull me back to him but I start hitting him, hitting his chest. He doesn’t try to avert my punches and I’m breaking in front of him. He’s broken my dam and stolen my defense as the tears stream down my face, sobs that wrench my insides.
I thought that this kind of crying was over.
He folds me into his arms and this time, I let him, crushing my face into his shoulder to cry.
“Avena,” he whispers, lifting my head so that I look into his eyes. “I need to get away from all of this for a while.” His voice turns rough. “Don’t you get it? I need time to figure everything out. What I want and who I am.”
I can hardly feel anything as the numbness of my tears takes over. I let him go and shove him away from me. “Fine, then. Just go! Go--”
He grabs me and captures my lips with his, a red hot trail of slow burning fire winding its way into me. My thoughts swirl and my mind screams at me to pull away but by now, I’m already far gone. I want to kiss him and slap him all at the same time. I fist his hair with one hand and pound the other into his chest, pulling and pushing at the same time. Tears slip into my lips and he kisses me hard and full.
When he gets himself in control, he draws away. We gaze at each other.
The same old tug of war is still raging.
My heart clenches as he grabs both sides of my face, holding it. His eyes are swirling with raw emotions, sweet violence in them as he fights himself.
“Don’t go,” I finally say. I want to be selfish. I need to be.
“Just--” Adrian says, shaking his head. “Don’t.”
I say his name again and it’s like all resolve has broke.
We’re both shaking in each other.
“Just don’t say it.” I look up at him.
“Say what?” His fingers trace over my cheek, through my hair. His voice cracked on the last word.
“Don’t say—“ But I get cut off.
Without another word, his lips sweep over mine again. But this time, it’s different; the kiss is soft, his lower lip grazing mine with a gentle swift motion as soft as a falling feather. There is none of the fire fuelling our earlier kiss, just sweet and sating. I press my fingers to my lips, feeling the pressure of his kiss linger.
Adrian looks at me, his eyes burning like the flames of green embers. And I know that somehow, we’re on the brink of something indefinite.
We’ve crossed an invisible line and there’s no going back now.
“Good-bye,” I finish quietly, so soft that I can barely hear the word.
Then I let him go.
Adrian releases me, both of us silent. He regains his self-control and with a smirk, he salutes me as he turns, going through the open doors.
In that second, I think about running through that door and going with him. But I know that it’s not the road I’m meant for.
Because we’re both still incapable of love. We’re both not ready yet.
And I know that I’ll miss him. And some nights, I’ll cry in my sleep.
But for now, I’m okay. And that’s all that matters.
The void in my heart has finally been filled.
And as the train moves farther and farther from me on the platform, I can only smile.
epilogue
AVENA
Looking back, my life has been nothing but an emotional, up and down rollercoaster ride. Perhaps that this is the flavour of life—this sweet, tangy while bitter concoction of sentiment and heavy loss. For one split second, you feel the utter perfection of the moment and the next; it all goes downhill from there. For one instant, you can feel like you’ve got everything and the next flash, you feel like there’s really nothing. It’s like you’re walking a winding road that leads to a dead end.
It's been about four years since the day I've graduated, leaving high school and its dramas behind. It's my second semester at Columbia University and so far, it's been a hard journey towards medical research. During the last few weeks, I had to work tirelessly through the entire night to keep myself still floating.
When I look back on my past, I feel some sort of nostalgia and a tinge of sadness. The days of lazing on the beach, the piles of homework, the laughs and tears, the partying and heartbreak. Like wisps of smoke, my high school days were over and now I'm left to meet reality face-on. That also means that I'm forced to meet the truth about my mother's death.
My dad and I both tried to patch things up since the move and so far, it's working. He had finally come out from his cave and we'd regularly spend the weekends watching movies and laughing at the awkward parts. We weren’t past the hurt yet but it’s still progress. Sometimes I'd see that sad, far-away look in his eyes, but it was getting fewer and fewer as the days pass.
I'm still getting used to dorm life but the transition is made easier by my new dorm friends, Melissa and Bethany. Kara and I still have weekly phone calls to check up on things but things just aren't the same anymore. I guess that's how it is: we all drift slowly away from each other as we enter a new life and new surroundings. From our last phone call a while ago, she told me that she and Hayden were moving into a flat together shortly after graduation. They had a special on and off again relationship and no matter how many times Hayden threatened to break it off with her, they always managed to be back together in less than a week. That's just how love is, I've learned.
As for me, I've started dating a couple of guys since the beginning of my freshman year, including the one that I'm with now, Lucas Gregory. He makes me smile and that's all I need, really.
But I still haven't forgotten him.
After all these years, I can still remember his green eyes, the way his lips curve at the end. Sometimes I regret the day that I let him go and wonder the what ifs. What if I had stopped him from leaving? And that I'd never know what will happen if it really did turn out that way. And then sometimes I think that it's for the best.
I haven't heard from hi
m to this day. I wonder how he's doing, if he'd ever found out who he was. If he ever thinks about me. If he has ever fallen for someone else and has already forgotten about me.
Adrian was the star in my ever gray sky. Whether he made me angry beyond my mind or made me laugh so hard that I felt high, he had kept my mind off my mother's death and prevented me from falling into that hole that I've dug for myself. Without him, I would've let that hole swallow me long ago. He taught me the true meaning of what it was like to feel in love and it was strangely ironic how we'd found something we'd never expected within each other.
As I look around for my old Nirvana albums in the attic amidst the piles of dusty boxes and antiques, I find myself searching for something else instead. Something that my soul is tugging at, urging me to discover and unearth. I sift through memories of long-forgotten letters and pictures from before, getting more nostalgic by the minute as I find photos of my childhood and pictures I never thought existed.
I cough as I pull out a cardboard box from underneath a pile of rumpled clothes and open the folds. Inside, I find envelopes, elastic bands, and a stack of pictures marked '12 Senior Year. There, I find my heart aching as I see rolls of me, Hayden and Kara posing in photo booths, sticking our tongues out and laughing at our weird expressions. Another picture featured us at Denny's by our usual booth, clinking our Coke cans together and smiling foolishly, carefreely, at the camera.
Then my hand brushes against something as I reach under a drawer and my heartbeat rising in tempo, I pull out the safe.
I've finally found what I've been subconsciously looking for. It's the time capsule from over four years ago.
My heart lodged in my throat, I place my fingers over the latch, fighting with myself.