by L. Jayne
I know that if I open it, it will unlock a dam and unflood a whole surge of buried emotions.
Should I take the risk of relieving my past all over again?
Then forcing myself to stop thinking, I unlatch the safe and it makes a creaking sound as the wooden top flips over. I fall back as strangled sounds come out of my throat. I sweep my gaze over the picture of me with a hot chocolate mustache that he had taken that night, the jar filled to the brim of sand, all of the memories are kept in here, hidden in these seemingly meaningless things. Had all those memories gone to waste after all?
Maybe I'm looking for something that's already gone.
I blink as I pull out a picture from underneath, looking at it as if for the first time.
Me and Adrian are lying on a pile of fluffy and white snow on the last day of December. He's taking the photo, pointing the camera back at us, kissing my cheek, his green eyes drenched with devilish glow, as I make a face at him. His arm is wrapped around my shoulder, pulling me to him as my face is folded inward towards his jacket. Snowflakes are melting in my hair and my cheeks are flushed as I protest.
I can’t even remember what was remotely funny back then.
We both looked so unbelievably happy. How could everything change so much in just four year’s time?
I touch the laughing still shot of his face. I can still somewhat hear him chortling, his laugh loud and clear. Now, it's like I'm back there again. One moment I'm sitting in my attic, looking at the spread of pictures, and the next, I'm seventeen again, playing in the snow with Adrian, vowing to remember this moment forever.
"How would you react if I told you that I love you?" Adrian asked me that one time as we lay on the snow together, him grinning. "That I've loved you all along?"
I snorted then. "Just like you 'loved' all of the other girls?" I said. "Don't try to pull that on me. I'm not falling for it."
Back at that time, I knew that we had not even thought about the issue of love, nevertheless knew what it was.
We were both not ready for the idea.
Later on I would realize the bittersweetness of this moment, just like I would realize the bittersweetness of many others. Even then, at that moment, I had a feeling, deep down — like it was a foreshadowing of what was ahead. But that's the thing about looking back to moments that should have told you what was coming — maybe you'd had that feeling, but it was so tiny and inconsequential compared to everything else also happening in that moment, that it was easy to overlook things. It was impossible to know what was unfolding before your eyes unless you were skimming through the past, looking for signs of what might have been clues that hinted at the end.
At that moment, my heart was so full it ached. Because now, no matter how much I want it back, it was already gone. Like trying to capture wisps of smoke that disappear between your fingers.
I tear my eyes from the photo and slowly set the picture down into the time capsule and push it into the farthest corner of my closet. I rise, burying my memories of him.
***
My stomach is knotted and I feel like I'm holding my breath--without breathing until abruptly, the sound of my cellphone ringing sends a whoosh of air out. I rummage it out of my pocket, flipping it open and taking a breath to calm my nerves, I try to sound cool and emotionless as I say, “Hello?”
There's silence on the other end.
Annoyance rushes through me. Another wrong call. "Hello?” I try again.
Still no answer.
I'm prepared to hang up when the voice stops me. "Avena?"
And my heart stops. The same voice that used to whisper near my ear.
No.
"Adrian," I whisper, my hands shaking so much that I fear I might drop the phone. "What--why--"
"I just got back." He interrupts. "Listen. Ten minutes at the beach. If you still want to see me, I'll meet you there."
Then he hangs up, barely a sound as his line goes dead and I'm left alone, choking for words.
Maybe it was true, what they said about love making you crazy. Love by itself is chaotic and impulsive and reckless. But when a person loves someone, they make decisions, even if those decisions feel like they had to have been made by themselves. Decisions don't make themselves. People do. You can decide to give in, or you can decide to pull away.
Now it's one of those defining moments. He's left me a choice.
Either I could forget him entirely. Or go after him.
And maybe he was right when he said that the outside forces and fate doesn't control you. You decide for yourself.
After all these years, it's boiled down to this.
Should I chase after something that's beyond my control?
Then in those final seconds, I've made up my mind. I'm going to chase after infinity.
Feeling like the time I'd went after him in the train station so long ago, I grab my bag and run downstairs, quickly going out the door, swinging it by the hinge. I start up the engine and in the car ride to the beach, I could have sworn that I was holding my breath the entire time.
Memories flood me as my mind flashes back to all those old days. Our pranks. Our days by the beach. Flinging snow at each other, whispering in hushed voices, laughing. His eyes burning into mine. Our fingers woven tightly together as we fall asleep, holding hands for the entire night. His face beside mine, us breathing in and out, both of us pretending to sleep. Then his voice that sounds like I'm hearing through running water.
"I could lie here with you forever," I whispered so that he couldn't hear me.
Maybe I've loved him even back then. Maybe I've loved him from the very beginning. I would never know. Love had sneaked up on me while unknowingly, I had never known.
I swallow hard, keeping my eyes on the road ahead of me. I want to see his face one last time. I want to scream at him. I want him to hold me as long-buried emotions drag me under.
Then finally, I'm at the beach and it's a cerulean blue lining of water and miles and miles of soft buttery sand. I get out of the car, squinting, breathing in the salty Michigan air off the ocean.
I see him standing on the pier alone, staring out at the ocean, smoking.
“Adrian?”
The simple word comes in a rush out of my lips. I squint in the filtering sunset sunlight, somehow unable to think that it’s really him. He’s turned, standing a meter away. I arise rigid, feeling trapped by the heat of his gaze. His eyes are burning greener than I've ever seen them, alighting a fire in me. His face is more rougher and angular than I'd remembered and the sunlight sends light across the planes of his face, lighting up gold specks in his dark hair. He's wearing his usual leather jacket, with its soft edges and he focuses his gaze on me as I hesitantly come closer, his gaze stormy.
The sunset glow softens my face as I look back at him, not knowing what to say. All these years have rendered us silent.
"What did you call me up here for?" I ask, my voice trembling and I have to clench my hands for the shaking to stop.
Him in front of me is just so unreal. Adrian. I want to touch his face so that I can be sure that he is real, he's here.
The more he gets closer to me, the more I want to close my eyes. After being apart for so long, he is suddenly here. How many times had I dreamed about this?
I can barely think, with the way he's looking at me. I know that look. The way his eyes are so intense I can feel them burning right into me. Everything – all of it, always started with that one look.
"I came," he said, his eyes looking stormy and chlorine green just like the water around us, "because I told you I would."
I don't answer, forcing myself to hold his gaze.
Then he shakes his head. “I just wanted to talk. Just give me two minutes and you won’t have to see me around here anymore.”
His words trigger a raw part in me. The anger and all that desolate sadness is churning around in my head and finally, all these feelings can escape.
"You have some nerve to come back!" I explo
de, wanting to cry, scream, and pull myself up. The last fraying threads of my patience wear out. Maybe it’s the long months of missing him so much that it’s an ache to my heart. Or perhaps it is just the mixture of relief and fury combined that made me snap.
I jab a finger in his face. “So you came back. So what? Does this make up for anything at all? Did you know that I was going to be crushed for months, without ever truly knowing whether or not I’ll ever see you again? Damn it all! I’ve had enough of your crap!”
He stiffens. A combination of emotions scatters across Adrian’s face. Shock, confusion, pain, and then defiance. “Hell, everything I did somehow involved you!” He yells back, his eyes smouldering. “You don't think that all of the years, all I did was think about you even when I tried not to?" His voice goes cracking.
“You expect me to simmer down just because you tell me that you’ve missed me all this time as well? Or to just be glad that you’ve returned? Well, that’s just plain bullshit!” I scream, my voice going hoarse. My words seem to blind him, acting almost like a powerful blow. Adrian reels back, all the air knocked out of him. I can feel the naked hostility in my eyes catching him off guard.
“I’ve--” he begins, moving forward.
I don't want to hear his voice anymore. I turn away, starting back to the car parked but he suddenly grabs my arm. My entire body was pulled back, and soon I found myself facing him, just inches away from his face.
Anger rolls under me and I spit at him, "Don't!"
All of this is coming to a breaking point. Without thinking, I lift my hand and mustering all of my strength, I slap him across his face. Breathing heavily, we both look at each other and I see the reddening of his cheek where I'd hit him.
I close my eyes, feeling a twist in my heart. "Just don’t. I—I’m actually at my limits right now.”
Silence follows my spoken words. If I'd expected a sweet homecoming, this was not it. I hold my arms at my sides, digging my fingers into my arm, biting the inside of my cheek.
So this is it. That's all.
All dreams of our reunion have rushed out, leaving me numb.
"I've...missed you." His voice breaks my mental turmoil.
I look up and then I'm being enveloped in his strong arms as he holds me so tightly to him, his face buried in my hair, mine crushed to his neck. I breathe in his familiar cinnamon scent and I'm coming apart in front of him. "Don't let me go," I whisper because I don't know what else to say. Those four words transcend all of my feelings, just four simple words can hold so much meaning.
I don't know how long we're standing on the pier, with all the sunset glow all around us, holding each other so the other won't break. I feel like I can't breathe.
"I told you. I missed you so I had to come back. After all the nights in Oklahoma City, I still had to return to the one place I know best," Adrian says into my hair. "It was only inevitable."
I close my eyes against the wave of pain. So this is what I've been missing all these years.
Then I just bow my head and start crying as the missing-him feelings and hurt come rushing back like a huge tidal wave.
I force myself to tear myself out of his arms.
Without another word, I back away and then start running away from him.
"Avena!" Adrian yells, his voice almost breaking as he catches up with me. I'm at my car now, and am clumsily trying to fish out my keys from my pocket.
I look up at him and my heart broke all over again. "Stay," is all he said.
There are moments in life when you know that it's make it or break it.
With Adrian, it was like an unpredictable storm. I didn't know if one moment I was going to be swept up or left empty and broken inside the next. I was too much of a coward to gamble with feelings. I couldn't do it. I didn't know if I could pull away if I had the strength or if he'd just pull me into another hole that I can't come out of.
"I'm sorry," I said, as I unlocked the driver's side. My voice broke in two, leaving it weak and flimsy. "I can't."
Then he grabs my arm, spinning me around until my back is against the car door and gasping, his lips are on mine. "I can't lose you again," he whispers against my lips as he kisses me hard and heatedly, pushing me up against the car, our bodies crushing together as I pull him closer. I drink him in, his hair in my fingers and his mouth slanted over mine as we both pour all of our earlier roiling emotions into this one kiss.
He tilts me to the side and I lose my footing until we tumble to the sand. I don't care, only care about the feel and taste of him as sand gets in my hair and clothes. The sand against our bodies is buttery and soft, like grains of wheat.
Then as we've both pulled away slightly and looking at each other, Adrian says it.
"I love you. Avena. I’ve loved you all this time."
Shock registers in me. The passion has worn out until all there's left is cold rational. "That's not enough," I choke out, dazedly shaking my head.
Adrian stands up and unseeingly, there’s something in his eyes that change. “Fuck. This is it, huh?”
I stare at him as he shakes his head slowly. “This is it.” He snorts incredulously and looks at himself, pressing his hands to his face. “I’m whipped.” He says it again, like he’s testing the word. He laughs, shaking his head. “Whipped.”
And something breaks in him.
Before I can stop him, he spreads his arms and screams at the open sky. "I, Adrian Huntington, am finally whipped! Whipped!" He yells, his gaze up. "I am whipped, so unbelievably whipped!"
I try to stop him by grabbing his arm but he yanks it away, still yelling, “I’m so whipped! Whipped!” until his voice is hoarse, cracks, and he bows over, shaking. He puts his hands over his face, and then runs them back through his dark hair. He left them tangled there. “I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop thinking of you all these years. I thought I could finally get you out of my system but nothing—"
His whole body shakes…but not from the cold. He just bows his head and starts to weep. He shakes as the tears come, his shoulders shaking. I sit down next to him. Emotions flood through me and the grief tears through me. He holds me as I too start sobbing—from all those lost, lost years, from what we missed. Wave after wave of pain rolls through me.
We’ve both grown up since our carefree years in high school. Sometimes, love is too intoxicating to let go. My hands are shaking, when I realize that nothing’s going to take us back to those old times.
We both cry, our tears mingling as I sob so hard that I can barely breathe. I clutch at him as if he might disappear at any moment. But the tears blur my vision and soon, I can't see much at all.
We can't help who we love. For as long as I could remember, I had never had a choice in loving Adrian Huntington. It wasn't like I decided overnight that he would be the boy that stood out from all boys, that he would be the one worthy of all the years of bated breaths and silent hoping. Somehow, he just was, and I had completely no say in the matter.
It was never up to me to love Adrian. But it was up to me to decide what to do with it.
***
Later, when the tears have dried out, we sit on the beach for hours in utter silence. Waves crash into the sand, pulling yielding sand in and out. I sit there, feeling as if this moment will be an eternity.
The sun casts warm glowing light over our faces, the sunset a soft hue of reddish gold like the sky is crying gold all over us. I’ve pulled my knees to my chest, resting my chin on there, feeling like I’ve gone back to the past. Adrian has closed his eyes.
Memories well up to the surface.
I look back to the roiling dark blue gray water--the only thing that never changes.
Adrian seems to recognize where my thoughts are heading.
"Are you going in?" He asks me after a pause.
I try to answer honestly. "The water's cold. Besides, I don't know if I'm ready."
"Don't think." Adrian holds out his hand. "I'm going to be with you."
I take
it and he interweaves our fingers tighter.
The feeling gives way to something raw and gritty, a swirling tide of emotions.
Dizziness threatens to take me under but against everything, I decide to go along with it. The water is freezing and it splashes against my legs as we wade farther into the ocean.
He holds my hand tightly in his as we swim out into infinity. And I know, from somewhere deep inside, that he’s not going to let me go. Ever.