Secrets of a Sinner

by Yolonda Tonette Sanders

  “I was gettin’ ready to ask how you knew it was me, but I forgot you got that callin’ information thing on your cell phone. Earl and ’nem got that, too. The telephone folks call here all the time tryin’ to get me to sign up for that stuff.”

  “It’s called caller ID...or better yet, technology,” Natalie teased.

  “Yeah, well, I call it a waste of money,” Big Mama kidded. “What are you doin’?”

  “I’m out at the mall.”

  “You got anything else planned today?”

  “No. A lady from work invited me to a cookout, but I’m not going. I don’t feel like being around a bunch of people I don’t know. After I leave here, I’m just gonna go home and relax until it’s time to go back to work tomorrow.”

  “I don’t blame you. Sometimes it’s good to spend time alone.... Listen, baby, I just called to say hi. I better get off this phone and finish gettin’ ready. Tommy will be here any minute to get me.”

  “Don’t you mean Uncle Earl?” Tommy and Earl were the only two of her four uncles who had remained in Mississippi. Like her grandfather, Earl, who was married to Sylvia’s sister, was a preacher. From what Natalie remembered about Tommy, he’d never had a stable job or girlfriend, let alone a car to drive. Big Mama had definitely slipped out the wrong name.

  “Naw, Tommy.”

  “But isn’t he—”

  “On drugs? Chile, he’s been off that stuff for over nine years, and has been doin’ real good. He’s the director of a youth center here and is very active in church.”

  Natalie was speechless because she had firsthand knowledge of how strung-out her uncle had been. One time, when she was about ten or so, she was left alone at her grandparents’ house while they went to take care of something at the church. Natalie was scared to death when one of the back windows shattered. Hearing someone coming through the forced opening, she ran and hid in the closet, peeking through the keyhole. She’d come out of hiding after seeing the identity of the intruder. “Uncle Tommy?”

  “Uh...hey, niece...uh...nobody else is here, right?” He looked around nervously.

  “No, Big Mama and Papa are at the church. Why’d you break the window?”

  “Uh...about that...I, um, lost my key.”

  “But Big Mama said you don’t live here anymore. She said you were sick.”

  “Naw, I’m not sick...I’m fine.” Despite his claims, Tommy didn’t look well. He smelled, his clothes were torn and dirty, and he was shaking like some type of epileptic. “I just saw Mama and Daddy at the church. They said I could borrow a few things, so don’t pay me no mind. I’m gonna get the things they said I could take and be out of here.”

  Something didn’t feel right about the situation, but Natalie stood frozen as her uncle went from room to room gathering any and every thing he could take with him. He even carried the living-room television out the door. Naturally, her grandparents were livid when they returned home, but not with her. Natalie cried and apologized after she’d realized what had happened. To hear her grandmother now talk about Tommy in such a positive manner was amazing. “I’m sorry, Big Mama. I just assumed that Tommy was still the way I remembered him to be.”

  “No need to apologize. You ain’t said or done nothin’ wrong. Anyhow, I better get off this phone so I can be ready when he gets here.”

  “Okay. I’m getting ready to go inside the store anyhow. I’ll give you a call later this week.”

  “All right, baby, I’ll talk to you later. I love you.”

  “I...I know.” Why couldn’t she bring herself to say “I love you” back? Natalie dusted off her disappointment and went into Nordstrom, heading straight for the MAC station to see what, if any, new cosmetics were available. Afterwards, she checked the women’s department for items that caught her interest. She carried cash in her purse to prevent going over her shopping budget, but the way things were looking she could spend all of that in Nordstrom. Luckily, her shopping companions, Visa and MasterCard, were tucked away in her purse. She’d sworn that she would only pull them out if necessary. The more she thought about it, the deep V-neck halter dress by Allen Schwartz which had caught her attention was quickly turning into a necessity.

  After Nordstrom, Natalie stopped at several other stores. When she had completed her shopping, she had spent several hundred dollars on her Visa and all of her cash. With slow, even strides, her shopping bags around her wrists, Natalie walked down Strand Street toward the indoor portion of the town center known as Easton Station, contemplating her action plan for repaying the newly charged credit card balance. She wasn’t overly concerned. She had a steady income now and it wasn’t likely that she’d find herself in the position she’d been in a few months ago. Besides, after everything she’d been through this year, she deserved to do something nice for herself.

  Further ahead, Natalie thought she’d spotted Sylvia smiling and slowly walking in her direction hand-in-hand with a man. She couldn’t get a good look at him because he was wearing a dark-blue sun visor and sunglasses. She wasn’t even certain it was Sylvia. In the event that it was, Natalie pushed through the crowd so she could say hi and get a look at this man Sylvia has been calling down to Mississippi about. She kept her eye on the sun visor until she was standing directly in front of the couple. “Hey, Syl—” The words meshed in her throat and her cheeks flushed with heat. It was Sylvia all right. Standing next to her, holding her hand, was...Richard!

  “Natalie—” Sylvia whispered as her smile faded. She and Richard quickly released their grip on each other.

  Richard shoved his hands inside his pant pockets. “Hi...um, how’s it going?”

  Stunned, Natalie glanced from Sylvia to Richard and then back to Sylvia. This had to be some kind of joke. Surely this couldn’t be what she thought—her mother’s boyfriend holding hands with her mother’s best friend? She quickly closed her eyes and reopened them only to find that the images before her had not changed. Disgusted by the sight of this newly formed couple, rage welled up inside her. “What do you two think you’re doing?” she grilled.

  “Nat—” Sylvia reached toward her, but she quickly jerked away. “Honey, I promise this isn’t the way you were supposed to find out about us.”

  The word us swam laps through Natalie’s head, making her feel nauseous.

  “We were going to tell you,” Richard added.

  “Tell me what?” Her voice elevated, drawing the attention of several passersby. “That the two of you are betraying my mother by being here together? I take it Richard’s the new boyfriend you’ve been telling Aunt Crystal about.”

  Sylvia remained calm. “Natalie, listen to me, honey. I know this is difficult for you to understand, but—”

  “But nothing!” She glared at them. “My mother was your best friend for over three decades and here you are cozying up to someone who was her boyfriend for ten years. There is no ‘but,’ Sylvia. You’re a disgusting whore!” she screamed, storming past them.

  “Wait a minute!” Richard yelled and ran behind her.

  “What!” Natalie turned toward him.

  “I understand you’re upset right now, but it’s not fair for you to insult Sylvia by calling her names. She loves you, Natalie, and so do I. We didn’t know how to tell you. This just sort of happened.” Sylvia stood a few feet away, nodding in agreement.

  “Oh really?” Natalie challenged. “Relationships don’t just happen, Richard. People make them happen! The two of you had a choice and you could have chosen never to become involved. Or have you always been together? Maybe y’all were creeping behind my mother’s back while she lay in the hospital dying.”

  “Please try to calm down. You’re overreacting. It wasn’t like that at all. Sylvia and I never planned this. We never so much as looked at each other inappropriately while Sharon and I were together. Our relationship didn’t begin
until after your mother died.”

  Natalie leaned closer to Richard and clenched her teeth. “In case you have forgotten, that was only three months ago. Neither one of you have an ounce of respect for her memory!”

  “Natalie, I swear to you that I did not mean for things to evolve between Richard and me.” Sylvia’s watery eyes pleaded with Natalie for leniency.

  “Oops! Y’all just accidentally fell in the bed butt-naked, right?”

  “That part of our relationship is none of your business,” Richard said sternly.

  “I know you’re upset, honey, but can we talk someplace more private? You’re sort of making a scene right now. No matter what’s going through your head, Natalie, I loved Sharon. I miss her. More than wanting to be with Richard, I wish she was still here, but I can’t change the way things have happened.”

  “You claimed to have loved my mother like a sister...I guess if Aunt Crystal dies any time soon, you’ll be in bed with Uncle Earl next. It’s like you couldn’t wait for my mom to die so you could sleep with her boyfriend. Maybe you were just jealous that she managed to find a good Black man and you couldn’t keep one.”

  “Oh c’mon, Nat, that was harsh,” Richard argued.

  “Maybe...but what the two of you are doing is immoral and I hope you both burn in hell for it.”

  “You have some nerve playing the morality card, demeaning us like we’re having some God-forbidden affair.”

  “Richard, just let her go,” Sylvia pleaded.

  He ignored her. “I’ll admit that our relationship may be a little unconventional, but it’s not immoral. You have no right to judge us. As I recall, you’re the one who doesn’t mind dating married men!”

  Ouch! Richard had hit a nerve. Natalie was sure that he was only making reference to Kevin, but she also knew within herself that Kevin was just one of many married men that she had dated. There was no doubt in her mind that she had been guilty of doing a lot worse than what she was accusing Sylvia and Richard of doing to her mother, and that made it difficult for Natalie to refute his statement. Instead, she spewed out a string of profanities and stormed away. Her exit would have been much more forceful had she not tripped over her own bags, sending her to the ground. “Leave me alone!” she ranted when both Richard and Sylvia tried to help her up. As she ran toward Easton Station, she spotted a security guard heading in the direction she’d just come from.

  Chapter 8

  Good Ol’ Days

  Natalie peeled out of the parking garage as fast as other cars and pedestrians would allow her to. She was so angry that her head began hurting. “I’m overreacting?” she sarcastically said out loud, reflecting on Richard’s accusation. “You supposedly loved my mother and three months after her death, I see you holding hands with her best friend, and I’m overreacting?” Natalie floored the pedal as she hopped onto the freeway.

  She wondered how Sylvia and Richard could betray her mother like that. Especially Sylvia—she and Natalie’s mother were best friends! Sylvia had some nerve going out with Richard as though the friendship didn’t mean a thing. Deep down, Natalie knew that Wendy had probably asked the same question about her, but she tried to convince herself that her involvement with Kevin was totally different than Sylvia’s involvement with Richard.

  Part of the reason Natalie was so angry was that if Sylvia and Richard had been upfront with her she still would’ve been upset, but maybe she would’ve done away with the name-calling...maybe. The whole situation disgusted her. She was madder at Sylvia than Richard. Richard was a man. Like every other man, he most likely made decisions with his third leg rather than his brain. But Sylvia? Sylvia was her mother’s best friend. How could she do this!

  Sure, there had been some obstacles in her mother’s and Richard’s relationship—Sharon’s fear of marrying again being the biggest one—but other than that, they seemed to get along well. Natalie wondered if Sylvia would have dated Richard if he and her mother had actually married. She was willing to bet that if there were any signs of trouble in their marriage, Sylvia would have befriended Richard behind her mother’s back. Yeah, Natalie had betrayed Wendy, but her situation with Kevin was different. She had not renewed her friendship with Wendy with the intention of backstabbing her. Things with Kevin just hap— “Ugh!” Natalie grunted and pounded her fist against the steering wheel as she sped down the freeway. Why couldn’t she just be mad at Sylvia without finding similarities to her own actions? Her situation with Kevin was different. She couldn’t explain why it was. It just was.

  “This is just great!” she murmured, seeing flashing red and blue lights in her rearview mirror.

  “Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?” the stocky officer asked.

  “Uh-huh.” She took the liberty of handing him her documents before he had a chance to ask for them.

  “I clocked you going eighty-seven in a sixty-five-mile-per-hour zone. Do you mind telling me why you were going so fast?”

  “What does it matter? I’m going to get a ticket anyway, right?”

  “With that type of attitude, yes, you are. Seeing that it’s a holiday and I’m a fairly nice guy, initially, I was going let you off with a warning if everything panned out. But now just hang tight,” the officer sneered and went back to his car.

  Natalie sighed and laid her head back on the headrest. Her head hurt so badly; she just wanted to get home. She continued to sit in agony until the officer came back.

  “Here’s all of your stuff back. You’re receiving a speeding citation today,” he noted as if the pink slip he handed her wasn’t proof enough. “The fine must be paid within ten days either by mail or in person. If you feel that you’re receiving this citation without cause, you do have a right to contest it in court. Your court date and time are listed on the back.”

  “All right...”

  “Enjoy the rest of your day.”

  “Too late for that...” Natalie whispered under her breath. Seeing the two traitors together had killed any joy left in her. She waited until the coast was clear before swerving back onto the freeway.

  * * *

  Although it was nearly ten o’clock in the evening, some of Natalie’s neighbors were still outside. She lay in her bed as their voices swept through the room. Her inability to fall asleep had nothing to do with the Memorial Day celebrations going on outside her window. That noise was minimal compared to the tormenting voices inside her head.

  Natalie turned from side to side restlessly, trying to position herself for a good night’s sleep, but her efforts were in vain. The nagging thoughts of the day’s events refused to vanish from her mind. Although still very angry at Sylvia and Richard, she was also overwhelmed with guilt. Every time she thought about what Sylvia had done to her mother, she thought about what she’d done to Wendy, and it depressed her even more that her own actions had led to the chain of events that had prevented her from being at the hospital the morning her mother died.

  Desperately desiring rest for her body and mind, Natalie decided to try writing down her feelings. Writing was a technique she’d used in therapy when she was younger. Unfortunately, it hadn’t done much good back then because she really hadn’t practiced full disclosure. She’d known that the therapist would analyze everything she wrote down and then share his findings with her mother. Regardless of the previous results, tonight Natalie was willing to give it another shot. She turned on the lamp, searched the nightstand until she found a pen and piece of paper and began writing a poem:

  If I had known that time wasn’t on my side

  I would’ve been at the hospital the morning you died

  I wouldn’t have gone out the night before

  And thus would have prevented the guilt that I have bore

  Guilt because I feel like I somehow let you down

  What if you called out to me and I was n
owhere around?

  Natalie’s emotions swung like a pendulum as she thought about how her mother used to love barbecuing this time of the year. She used to make a special sauce that was so good Natalie would eat it in spoonfuls. But like the early ear-piercing renditions of “Happy Birthday,” her mother’s signature sauce was now extinct.

  What if you reached out to hold my hand?

  I wasn’t there, thanks to my desire for another woman’s man

  Believe it or not, it wasn’t my first time

  Going after someone who, by law, could not be mine

  It’s shameful to admit, but I’m not a good friend

  Should I add daughter to the list since I wasn’t there in the end?

  There was only one living person whose love Natalie could count on—her grandmother. Big Mama was really all she had left now. Her mother was gone, she couldn’t get over Sylvia’s relationship with Richard and she had no friends. If only her father had never died...her life would be so different. Natalie imagined that she’d be in Mississippi right now celebrating Memorial Day with her father’s side of the family.

  A faint smile crossed Natalie’s face as she reminisced about the time when she’d lived in Mississippi. Natalie had spent a lot of time with her grandparents, and they’d spoiled her rotten. At the time, Natalie was the only granddaughter amongst a group of grandsons, so naturally she had gotten a lot of attention.

  On Sundays her grandparents took her to church with them since her mother had stopped attending regularly after her father was killed. Big Mama would often garnish her outfits with very big hats that sometimes would come off during service if she was overtaken by the Holy Spirit. They were guaranteed to come off if she was asked to sing a solo. With a strong, angelic voice that could take on the best of the best any day, she sang as if it was only her and God in the church.