Secrets of a Sinner

by Yolonda Tonette Sanders

  Big Mama seemed not to care at all about the disapproving looks from several people whose expressions said that surely she knew better than to come to church dressed in a gray pant suit. Natalie got a kick out of the way her grandmother gracefully pranced to the front row and took her seat, her demeanor daring anyone to say anything. The only bad part was that she dragged Natalie up to the front with her and Natalie would have preferred to sit in the back—way back.

  Natalie immediately noticed, thankfully, that the wooden pews had been replaced with more comfortable cloth-covered ones and that air conditioning had been installed. People continued piling in until the place was filled to capacity; folding chairs were set along the side walls to accommodate more people. If Natalie didn’t know any better, she could’ve easily mistaken her uncle Earl for her grandfather as he stood in the pulpit adorned in a black robe. Now that the hand-clapping, foot-stomping, singing portion of the service was over, sitting here listening to a sermon was boring with a capital B! She tried her best to stay alert, but didn’t seem to be successful at it.

  Ouch! A painful pinch on her thigh brought her to full consciousness and nearly produced tears. She couldn’t believe that her grandmother had done that.

  “Wake up... You’re too old to be sleepin’ in church,” her grandmother scolded.

  Natalie’s leg burned severely and she was a little offended. Last time she’d checked, she was thirty-one years old and could do as she pleased. But, grown or not, she had sense enough to command her eyes to remain open for the remainder of the service; she knew Big Mama wouldn’t hesitate to give an instant replay.

  “May the grace of God rest, rule and abide with you now and forever more...let us all join in together and say...”

  “Ahhh-men,” Natalie chimed in, relieved the service was over.

  Earl and Crystal—who bore a striking resemblance to Sylvia, her sister—stood at the altar greeting people who swarmed to them the second service was over. Natalie would’ve gone up to speak, but decided to wait until the crowd died down. Instead, she watched patiently as her grandmother spoke to what seemed like every member in the church. Initially, she tagged along behind Ida Mae, but she got tired of smiling at people she barely remembered and took a seat.

  “Natalie!” A man ran up and snatched her from the pew to hug her.

  “Uncle Tommy?”

  “Yeah! It’s me!” He gleamed. “I guess you’re not used to seeing your unc with a clean shave and a dress suit...”

  “You look nice.”

  “You’re so tactful. What you really want to say is that I don’t look like a crackhead anymore, right?” He smiled.

  Natalie was amused by his humor. “That’s not exactly what I wanted to say, but yeah...”

  “It’s all good. I’m not ashamed of anything God has done for me. So, what brings you all the way here?”

  Placing her arms behind her back, Natalie crossed her fingers and said, “I came to visit Big Mama.” That wasn’t a total lie, but it wasn’t the whole truth either.

  “How long are you gon’ be here?”

  “I’m not sure...maybe a week or t—”

  “Uncle Tommy, may I use your car tonight?” the girl she had seen at her grandmother’s yesterday came up and asked, exchanging a friendly “hello” smile with Natalie. Height was definitely something that ran in their family. The girl was much taller up close than she had appeared to be when Natalie saw her from a distance.

  “You had it yesterday...”

  “I know,” she pleaded, bringing her hands up as though she was saying grace. “Please...I promise not to have it back too late.”

  “Yes, Corrine, you can use it.”

  “Thank you!” She smiled brightly. “I’ll be back. I wanna find Big Mama and say hi.”

  Tommy rolled his eyes playfully. “Toni and Kenny say I have her spoiled because she’ll ask to use my car before she will theirs. Maybe I should start charging her a rental fee. Then she won’t want to drive it so much, huh?” he kidded.

  “Who’s Kenny?”

  “Toni’s husband.”

  “Speaking of which, where is Aunt Toni?”

  “I guess they went out of town last night.”

  “Too bad. I was hoping to see her and meet the rest of her family.”

  “Yeah... Well, let me get out of here,” he said, rather quickly. “I’ll stop by Mama’s house sometime this week, and catch you before you leave, I hope.” He hugged her again, “It’s good to see you, Natalie.”

  “Thanks. You, too.”

  When Natalie looked up, Earl and Crystal were walking her way. She spoke with them for a few minutes and was introduced to their daughter. Earl was eager to change out of his robe and said that they’d be by Big Mama’s later. When the reunion with her family was over, Natalie resumed her seat on the pew while her grandmother continued socializing.

  * * *

  “I can’t get over how different Uncle Tommy looks,” Natalie said to her grandmother when they were finally on the way home.

  Big Mama smiled. “Ain’t it somethin’? Chile, your granddaddy and I prayed many years, night and day, for that boy. Just when it seemed like our prayers had gone unheard, one Sunday mornin’ while Willie James was preachin’, Tommy walked in church and gave his life to Christ.”

  “Really?” Natalie tried to picture the scene in her mind.

  “Yep...interrupted your granddaddy’s sermon and all. He smelt and looked very bad, but that didn’t stop him from comin’ up to the altar and cryin’ out before God.” She stopped to chuckle. “Willie James never did finish his sermon. I doubt he could’ve said anything that would’ve moved the congregation the way Tommy’s actions did, though. Several people got saved by also givin’ their lives to Christ that day.”

  “Wow...” Natalie said in disbelief as they pulled up in front of the house.

  “It was a moment I will never forget. It goes to show that God keeps His word. In Psalm 51:17, the Bible says that He will not despise a broken and contrite heart. Chile, once a person gets saved their whole life changes. What was once a mess turns into a message. Tommy shares his past experiences on drugs to help other young folks. He truly has an inspiring testimony. There ain’t one person on this earth that God ain’t capable of changin’. All it takes is a willing heart.”

  Natalie listened to her grandmother, thinking that the God thing might have worked for Tommy, but that’s not what she came to Mississippi for. Tommy had had a real bad drug addiction and needed the help of a supreme being to change. Once she found the answers she was looking for, she anticipated being just fine.

  Chapter 24

  One Sure Thing

  Wednesday afternoon Natalie sat at the kitchen table sipping tea and browsing through the latest issue of Essence when her grandmother walked into the room.

  “I gotta go down to the church for a while. I’d promised to help out with the food pantry today,” she announced.

  Natalie looked up. “Do you need a ride?”

  “No, but thanks anyway. Crystal will be here in a few minutes. I’ll probably be there for a couple of hours. Are you gonna be all right by yourself?”

  “Yes,” Natalie responded, trying to mask how thrilled she was finally to have some time to herself. Since she had arrived in Jackson on Saturday, she’d constantly been in the presence of her grandmother or one of her uncles, and hadn’t had time to do what she truly came to Mississippi for.

  “You sure you’re gonna be all right? There don’t be too many young folks there so I didn’t think you’d wanna come, but you are welcome.”

  “No, that’s okay. You go ahead. I’ll be fine,” Natalie insisted.

  “Well, if you need me for anything, the number to the church is on the fridge. Sistah Mary Ann Calloway usually answers the phone. I�
��ll tell her to come get me if you call.”

  “Okay... Oh, do you have a telephone book? I’m almost out of lipstick, and I wanted to call and see if there were any cosmetic places around here that sold MAC.”

  “What in the world is that?”

  “It’s a brand name. You know, like Cover Girl or Revlon.”

  “Chile, I can’t keep up with all that stuff.” Big Mama laughed. “The phone book is in the living room, underneath the end table right next to my chair.”

  “Thanks, I’ll get it in a bit.”

  “I’ll see you when I get back.”

  “Okay,” Natalie said, bringing the warm teacup to her lips as her grandmother walked away. She stared at the magazine. Her mind was no longer able to process the words printed in the article. When she heard the front door slam, she went into the living room and peeked out the window to ensure her grandmother’s departure. As soon as Crystal’s red sedan vanished from her sight, Natalie grabbed the telephone book and ran to the kitchen.

  As she began flipping through, she was startled when the telephone rang, but she answered it and heard, “Hey, Corrine. Shouldn’t you be in class?”

  “Huh?”

  “Is this Corrine?”

  “No, this is Natalie.”

  “Natalie?” the woman spoke cautiously. “Natalie Coleman?”

  “Yes, who is this?”

  “Oh my God!” she shrieked. “Where’s Mama?”

  “Aunt Toni?”

  “Yes. Now where is Mama?”

  “She just left to go to the food pantry or something like that at the church. You want me to tell her you called when she gets back?”

  “No, I’ll call down to the church,” Toni stated. The next thing Natalie heard was a click.

  “Well, hello to you, too,” Natalie sarcastically mumbled as the dial tone buzzed in her ear. She turned back to her search of the phone book. She was certain she was doing the right thing. Troy’s reaction to her pregnancy and what had happened thereafter had shattered her. She needed to know what had happened to her child. It would be the only way she could bring closure to this open chapter in her life.

  Natalie anticipated that the most difficult part about her search would be locating which adoption agency had handled the case. Luckily there weren’t tons of agencies to choose from in the phone book. She skimmed through those listed, hoping one of the names would jump out and trigger her memory, but it didn’t happen. Thus she ended up dialing the first number she saw.

  It was as if the world around her had stopped. Each second seemed like hours. She listened to the sound of her heart thump against her chest as the telephone rang.

  “All Care Adoption Services, this is Tammy. How can I help you?”

  “Um...” Suddenly her throat was tight. “How do I find a child who was given up for adoption?” she managed to get out.

  “Have you filled out a disclosure form?”

  “No. What’s that?”

  “By law, all court records are sealed. However, a disclosure form allows you to voluntarily give out identifying information about yourself. How long has it been since you gave birth to the child that was given up for adoption?”

  “It’ll be nineteen years in July.”

  “I can go ahead and send you a form now. Fill it out and file it with the Health Department. That way it’ll be on record. However, keep in mind that under Mississippi adoption law, an adoptee can’t request identifying information about his or her birth parents until that child turns twenty-one.”

  “But...I don’t understand...”

  “If you fill out a form, when your child turns twenty-one, he or she will be able to obtain any identifying information about you listed, such as your name and a contact number. But you won’t be able to disclose any information about the birth father. If you want me to, I can send that form out in the mail to you today.”

  “That’s it?” Natalie’s distress burst through her speech and tears gushed down her cheeks. “I drove all the way from Ohio for you tell me that I have to fill out a form and then wait at least two more years for my baby to look for me? I promise not to disrupt anyone’s life. All I want is the assurance that my child has grown up in a loving and healthy home environment,” she tearfully pleaded.

  “Ma’am, please take a deep breath and try to calm down. I wish I could do more for you...I really do. I—”

  Natalie didn’t want to hear any consolation speeches. She slammed the phone down so hard she was afraid that she’d broken it. She was able to calm her nerves by convincing herself that All Care Adoption Services was just the first and only place she had called so far. Surely that woman didn’t know everything. She would simply call another adoption agency and next time, she’d have better luck.

  One by one, Natalie called all of the agencies listed in the Jackson telephone book, receiving similar versions of the process explained by Tammy. Each conversation did its part to extinguish the candle of hope that once had burned within Natalie’s heart. She didn’t even bother requesting a disclosure form. It didn’t guarantee that her child would ever come looking for her.

  Her whole life, she’d only be guaranteed one thing: that life would screw her over somehow. So far, that’d been the one sure thing she’d been able to count on.

  Natalie pretended to be asleep later when Big Mama came home from church and peeked into her bedroom. She was relieved when she heard her grandmother tiptoe out of the room and shut the door. Natalie lay there staring at the ceiling as tears rolled from her eyes, wondering what in the world she had done to deserve such heartache. It hurt so bad that it was as if she was reliving losing her first child all over again. All she wanted to do was make sure that her baby was okay. Was that really too much to ask?

  * * *

  Ida Mae had barely had the chance to sit down in her recliner when the phone rang. She didn’t need caller ID to know who it was on the other end. “Father, please give me the words to say,” she prayed before answering.

  Chapter 25

  Spilled Milk

  “Good mornin’,” Big Mama said when Natalie walked into the kitchen the next morning. “You came down just in time. I was gonna fix these eggs and then come wake you. I know you gotta be hungry ’cuz you slept like a bear.” She poured the eggs into the warm skillet and chuckled. “Were you able to get your Max yesterday?”

  “My what?”

  “That makeup you were talkin’ about.”

  “You mean MAC?

  “MAX, MAC—it all sounds the same to me. Were you able to find it?”

  “I changed my mind. I didn’t feel like going out.”

  “Guess who I saw yesterday?”

  “I don’t know, who?” Natalie mumbled.

  “Tawanna Davis, you remember her, don’t you?”

  “Uh-huh...” Tawanna used to be Natalie’s best friend when she was younger.

  “She’s gettin’ married in May. She and her fiancé came by the church to talk to Earl. She don’t go there ’cuz she joined her fiancé’s church, but Earl is still gonna participate in the ceremony. Lord...time goes by so fast. It seems like just yesterday the two of y’all were sittin’ on my front porch playin’ with dolls. I tell you, I wish Bessie could see her now.” She spoke in a nostalgic tone of voice. Bessie was one of Big Mama’s best friends and Tawanna’s grandmother. “Anyhow, I told Tawanna you’d be in town for a while. She said she was gonna come by sometime next week and see you.”

  “Next time you see her tell her that I said hi. I won’t be here next week. I’m leaving tomorrow.”

  “Leavin’?”

  “Yes. I should probably get back to Columbus. I plan to say good-bye to everyone today.”

  “Why are you goin’ back so soon? You ain’t even been here a week.”

 
“I know it’s been a short visit. I just wanted to see how you were doing. I’m anxious to get back to work. I’m hoping to transfer to New York in a few months,” she admitted. She was doing what she best knew how to do—stuff her feelings inside and not deal with them at all. It seemed to be the ideal way to move on quickly with her life.

  “New York?” Big Mama removed the skillet from the stove. “I ain’t heard you say nothin’ about goin’ there.”

  “Actually, I was thinking about moving back to New York after Mom died, but—”

  “But what?”

  “I just delayed my plans, that’s all.” When her grandmother placed a plate of food in front of her, Natalie said, “I’m really not all that hungry.”

  “Well, just eat a li’l bit,” Big Mama ordered and sat across from her. She hadn’t fixed a plate for herself. “After you eat, maybe you’ll tell me what’s really goin’ on.”

  “What are you talking about?” Natalie protested without touching her plate.

  “As glad as I am to see you, I know you didn’t come all this way just to say hi, then to wake up this mornin’ and say you’re leavin’ and thinkin’ about movin’ to New York. Somethin’s wrong. You’ve been here five days and not once have you mentioned New York.”

  “I haven’t mentioned a lot of things to you, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t think about them.”

  “Um-hmm...”

  “Look, Big Mama, there’s a lot going on in my life that you don’t know about.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like part of the reason I came down here was to get away from my boyfriend. Things weren’t going too well between us. I made up the whole fumigation story,” Natalie confessed, avoiding looking her grandmother in the eyes. “But I did want to see you. I could have gone anywhere to get away...I could have even gone to New York, but I came here.” There was no need to tell her grandmother about her latest pregnancy or what her true agenda had been. Both were moot issues at this point. What would be the point of crying over spilled milk?