Keep Me Still

by Caisey Quinn

  “He thought he was going to get lucky tonight,” Landen says with a smirk. He pulls his gaze from our roommates back to me and grins wickedly. “Guess we’re both going home disappointed.”

  He’s joking, Layla . Right, I know that. But he probably is disappointed. I’d never kissed a guy before. It wasn’t as if I knew what the hell I was doing. And if he’d hooked up with any other girl tonight instead of wasting his time on me, he’d probably be getting a lot more than a goodnight hug. But he didn’t .

  I pull myself out from inside of my head and take a moment to appreciate how beautiful he is. Not that I haven’t memorized his face and then subsequently tried to forget it once already. But as I let my eyes cling to every inch of him, drinking in his full mouth and square jaw before covering his thick, muscular neck, he stills, almost like he’s doing the same thing to me. Thoughts I have no clue how to deal with intertwine in my mind. What would it be like to run my tongue over the masculine knot in his throat? To feel his stubbled jaw on my neck, on my bare breasts? In between my thighs?

  “Good Lord,” I whisper at my thoughts, barely stifling a shiver.

  “Kissing me is similar to a religious experience, or so I’ve been told.” Gleaming green eyes meet mine as he teases me.

  “I was just realizing how…” Much I want you to kiss me again . “Late it is.”

  “Yeah.” He groans and the throaty depth of it touches me all the way to my core. “And we have practice tomorrow and workouts tomorrow night. And because they obviously hate freshmen here, we have that ass early class Monday morning.”

  Oh yeah, Intro to University Academics or something. Ugh, I’d forgotten. “Corin and I will probably take turns going to that one. We can always share notes if you, um, need to sleep in sometimes, because of soccer or whatever.”

  “Yeah, the hangovers and late night orgies with cheerleaders will probably take their toll and I’ll end up failing Intro to Not Screwing Up College.”

  My eyes narrow at his words because it’s been nearly a year since I knew him and I can’t tell if he’s serious. But then the corner of his mouth turns up and I have an overwhelming impulse to slap him. “Cute. Well, maybe while you’re busy with your cheerleaders, I’ll see if Luke feels like hanging out.”

  Now it’s Landen’s eyes that narrow and I’m the one grinning. “I think you’re underestimating how much Lucas Taite values the use of his legs.”

  “And I think you’re underestimating what a good kisser I am.” I lift my chin in defiance, daring him to argue. I was going for playful, but his glare is lethal. “Maybe he’d risk it.”

  “I’ve never underestimated anything about you, Layla. No reason I would start now that I know from experience.” His fierce tone weakens my knees and tightens the muscles in my stomach. “And I’m sure as hell not sharing.”

  “I was just kidding,” I say softly, hoping he’ll return to his smiling, eye-twinkling self.

  He’s still staring at me intently, but he looks less ready to murder someone. “Me too, babe,” he says lightly, prompting me to release the breath I didn’t even realize I was holding. “Cheerleaders have never been my thing. I prefer girls on the gymnastics team—much more flexible.”

  Now that he’s calmed down a notch, I smack him in the chest. But he catches my wrist and uses it to pull me into the danger zone where I am his to do what he wants with. Landen and my lungs are not friends. This close to him they deflate and I’m gasping for breath in a pathetic attempt to refill them. I’m about to curse myself for being so weak until my eyes find his. He’s just as lost as I am. We don’t know how to do this with each other. We didn’t get this far before. High school was a slow burn, a lit fuse taking its sweet time. This time we’ve hung out once and we’re already sorting through the debris from the explosion. We’re standing over that gaping canyon again. This time it’s Landen who jumps first.

  “None of them even rate compared to you.”

  Relief floods me, and I couldn’t keep the smile from spreading across my face if I tried. “I don’t even have anyone to compare you to.”

  “Guess I’ve cornered the market where kissing is concerned, huh?”

  “Something like that.” Kissing and everything else.

  “You kids about done here?” Corin says, pulling me from Landen-land.

  Landen sighs. “Seriously, Ginger, your timing is impeccable. Can I get you a collar with bells or something so I can hear you coming next time?”

  “Behave yourself,” I whisper, but I can’t help but grin.

  He lets me step back, and I feel the effort it takes. His expression relaxes visibly, and I wonder if maybe letting me go is easier. Letting him go would definitely be easier. Smarter. Cut and run before one or both of us gets hurt. But I really don’t want to. Because I am a fool of the lowest form, one who repeats the same mistakes. With a smile on her face.

  I give Ginger all sorts of hell about interrupting us, but honestly, I’m only mildly pissed and mostly grateful. Because Layla has the power to crack me open and leave me bloody on the sidewalk. This close to her, my thoughts hang out way too close to my lips.

  “So we have an inter-squad scrimmage Tuesday night if you ladies want to come,” Skylar tells the girls as we drop them at the door.

  “We’ll see,” Ginger says, playing coy. I raise a brow to smirk at my roommate, hoping to convey my thoughts to him. So much for getting lucky. I feel ya, buddy.

  “Hey,” I say, pulling Layla a few feet from the other two. “Ginger was right about one thing. I owe you some romance. Milkshakes after the game Tuesday night?”

  Her delicate lips, still swollen from my kiss, work so hard not to curve into one of her breathtaking grins. Say yes. “We’ll see,” she murmurs, following her roommate’s lead.

  So she wants to play hard to get? That’s fine. I can chase her as hard as she wants. Leaning down, I whisper into her ear, “Extra cherries if you’re a good girl.”

  There’s no containing the shiver that pulls her body closer to me. “Hmm, what does being a good girl entail exactly?”

  “Cheering loudly for me and not at all for anyone else.” Especially Lucas motherfucking Taite.

  “I think I can manage that. What about Skylar? Can I cheer for Skylar?”

  Laughing, I nod. “Yeah, he’s the goalie. But I think he’s already landed his own personal cheerleader.” Layla follows my gaze to my roommate—who is getting a lingering hug from hers.

  “This door’s locked after hours,” Ginger tells us, breaking from Skylar and heading our way. “We have to go in the side entrance. Layla, do you have your card with you?”

  “Yeah,” Layla answers, and we head around to the side of their building. I don’t really like how isolated it is, and I make a mental note to make sure she always gets back in time to use the main entrance if I’m not with her. Or maybe I can just make sure I’m always with her. Yeah, I like that idea better.

  Just as I pick up my jaw from the ground after watching Layla fish her student ID access card from her bra—which is pale pink, by the way—a group of guys slamming out of the metal door make her efforts unnecessary. Fuck, I didn’t realize she was in a co-ed dorm.

  Instinctively, I press myself to her, wrapping my arms around her. “It’s okay. You’re okay,” I start murmuring directly into her ear. But she’s not trembling. Not even a little. And all three of them are looking at me like I’m nuts. Looking down, I can tell, even in the dark, how red her face is. And I’m confused. “Are you okay? You didn’t—”

  “I’m fine,” she says sharply, extracting herself swiftly from my grasp. “They didn’t even run into me.”

  Run into her? Damn right they didn’t or they’d be flat on their asses. I’m flipping my shit like a little girl because the ear-shattering clang of that door should’ve sent her straight to the
ground. But it didn’t. Is she cured? What else have I missed?

  I stare at her, waiting for an explanation, but she just nods towards our roommates. Oh, she doesn’t want them to know. Dumb jock finally gets it. But she and Ginger live together. And Ginger knew exactly who I was at that party. So she told her about me, but not about the seizures? I’d be flattered if I wasn’t so pissed.

  “Layla,” I say, wrapping my fingers around her upper arm. “You need to tell your roommate about—”

  “No.” She presses her lips together tightly and shoots me a death glare. “Goodnight, Landen.”

  I have officially made it weird. But I don’t care. Even if she is better, Ginger needs to know in case Layla has a random relapse or something. I know from experience—that’s some shit a person needs to be prepared for. Or warned about at least. “Layla,” I demand, and now the girls are glaring at me like I’m Asshole of the Year. Skylar pulls my arm away from Layla and presses his weight against me, forcing me to take a step back. “You have to tell her.”

  Layla lifts her chin, her eyes flashing at me. “I don’t have to do anything. Goodnight, Landen . Skylar.”

  “Go home, soccer boys,” Ginger says, winking at Skylar and shooting an annoyed look at me.

  “She has to tell her,” I say to the air once they’ve gone.

  “Tell her what, dude? You sure know how to kill the mood, by the way,” my roommate informs me. No kidding. “What’s your fucking deal?”

  I force my body to relax, even though I’m still in fight mode. “Yeah, you weren’t getting any tonight anyways.”

  “Not with you cock-blocking all over the place with your little freak out. They might’ve invited us in if you hadn’t lost your mind back there. What’s your problem?”

  I should tell him. So he can tell Ginger. Shit, Corin. Her name is Corin. I have to stop messing with her because I need her on my side when it comes to Layla. But it’s not my secret to tell. I can’t betray her like that. Even if it is for her own good, which it is. “Um, Layla has a condition. Not one I’m at liberty to discuss. But her roommate should know.”

  “Ah.” He sags against the wall. “You want me to say something to her?”

  “I don’t know.” I kick a rock off the path as I start walking across campus to our dorm. Of course Layla’s dorm would be as far from mine as possible. She’s always made me work for it.

  Skylar follows me. “Okay, well, what do you know?”

  “That I probably just pissed her off.”

  “Yeah, I think that’s a definite possibility. Think they’ll come Tuesday?” Skylar snorts at his own comment. “I mean, Corin’s definitely going to come Tuesday.”

  “Oh yeah? Because your hugs induce mind-blowing orgasms or what?”

  Skylar shoulder-butts me. Hard. “Hey, man. Don’t underestimate a guy who doesn’t make a move right away. Girls like for you to play hard to get, hold out on them until they’re begging for it.”

  Yeah right. Or you screw it up and miss your chance altogether. Been there, done that.

  I should be pissed. The right thing to do here is bitch Corin out for setting me up in a precarious situation with a boy I’m supposed to be staying away from.

  And yet…

  I’m still high from the memory of his mouth on mine. My body still tingles from the heat of his hands. Everything’s changed. But in a way, it hasn’t. Because I’m terrified he’s going to tell Corin—and God knows how many guys on the soccer team—about my seizures. And when he does, I might as well be right back in Hope Springs.

  “So what was his deal back there?” Corin avoids my stare as we walk into our room. She sits on the futon and starts pulling off her boots, earrings, and assorted bracelets. “What do you need to tell me?”

  Red lights flash behind my eyes. Immediate subject change needed.

  “Corin, who cares about his deal? What the hell was that about tonight?”

  “Don’t pretend to be mad,” she says while rolling her eyes and pulling her hair into a messy knot on top of her head. “I saw you two in that alley. That was hot. Seriously. And I’m not sure he’s playing with a full deck, but it was about damn time someone made a move.”

  Busted. Contort face into mask of frustration —quick . “You promised me before we left there’d be no talking about Landen O’Brien tonight.”

  “Yes, I did. And I kept that promise. I didn’t hear anyone talking about him tonight. Until now.”

  I stay in the common area of our room contemplating this while she steps into the bedroom to put on pajamas. She’s right. Damn. “Okay, so you found a loophole. But I call B.S. because you know what I mean.”

  Sighing so loudly I hear it from the other room, she slams a drawer shut. “Fine, I’m sorry about the sneak attack. But we were already planning to go out, and Skylar texted and asked if we wanted to meet up. I didn’t even say that we did. I just casually mentioned where we were going. It’s a free campus, Layla. They can go out wherever they please.”

  “I realize this. I just didn’t know you were going to be slipping intel to the enemy.”

  I can hear her laughing as I brush my teeth in our tiny bathroom. “If that’s how you treat an enemy, God help any boy you consider an ally. In fact, you still look a little dazed and turned on. Please don’t try to make out with me tonight. I’ve already had my share of sexually confused partners—I’m sticking with straight boys only from here on out.”

  “Okay,” I say, pointing my foamy toothbrush at her. “We are definitely coming back to that.”

  She cackles loudly, and I can’t help but feel like the least experienced person on the planet. “Seriously, Layla, he’s got some issues, like probably some major ones that are going to make anything with him difficult…but can you imagine turning away now and just forgetting about that kiss? ‘Cause I gotta say, I’m having trouble forgetting about it and I was just a casual observer.”

  “See, now you wanna make out with me , don’t you?” I rinse and spit and go into the bedroom to change. When I’m done I plop down next to her on the futon.

  “Stop changing the subject.”

  “He just…he just makes me so…ugh!”

  She waggles her eyebrows at me. “Horny?”

  I shudder. “Oh my God, never say that word to me again. I hate that word. It’s so crude and not even a halfway decent way to describe what Landen O’Brien does to me.”

  “Mmhm.” She leans back and lets her eyes scan over me. “You can clutch your pearls all you want, Georgia. But that boy twists you all up, and I don’t think kissing’s gonna get the job done.”

  “Whatever. You basically said he was nuts. Now we share one kiss and I’m supposed to do him?”

  Her forehead wrinkles as she contemplates this. “Ah, no, you’re probably right. Maybe hold off on that. But sometimes we have to let things happen to us, you know? Even uncontrollable things that might turn from bliss to shit before we can rein it in. Because that’s living . Things have to happen, you have to go on scary adventures, follow your heart, and let it lead you down dark alleys that may dead end in a pit of despair. Otherwise you’re just existing , and who the hell wants to settle for that?”

  Is that what I’ve been doing? Her words spin around me in the tiny room, taunting me, smothering me. “But…”

  “But nothing. You need to decide if you’re ready for this, ‘cause it’s coming. He’s here, and I saw the look on his face, in his eyes, every time I interrupted you tonight. There’s a storm brewing between the two of you. Either hang on, let it pick you up, and risk letting it beat your heart to hell and back before setting you back down or you can batten down the hatch and tell him to leave you the fuck alone. And if he hurts you, I’ll be here to put a hit out on him with a few simple texts and a photo. But you have to know it’s a possibility. Wh
ich, judging from the condition you were in earlier…you do.”

  Corin’s voice is filled with emotion. There’s an experience behind the pain she’s warning me about, and I want to ask her to tell me about it. But I’m hoping she will when she’s ready. Her warning hangs in the air between us, and I’m trying desperately to weigh the pros and cons of giving Landen a second chance in my head. But all I can see is his face. All I can hear is his voice. And the thought of never again feeling his warm touch sending trails of liquid fire down my skin has me cringing inside.

  I suck in a lungful of air and look up at her. “What if I don’t know what I want yet?”

  “Then you need to tell him to back off till you figure it out. Good luck with that.” She snorts, and I smile at the thought of him watching me dance tonight. He was right—I am different. But it’s a good different, and it’s because of him. He should be the one to reap the benefits of all his hard work. “And hey, whatever he was wanting you to tell me so bad…you can. I know it may not seem like it after tonight, but you can trust me.” Corin’s normally clear voice is soft and clouded with emotion

  “I know,” I answer back just as quietly.

  “Boys,” she sighs out, raising her voice back to its normal decibel. “Can’t live with ‘em, can’t tie ‘em to your bed and use them as you see fit.” She shakes her head in mock exasperation. “Damn societal norms.” I can’t help but laugh, but when I sober up a little, she puts on a straight face. “Maybe just take it one day at a time. Like, what do you want right now?”

  I stretch and yawn, feeling my neck and back shift with a satisfying pop before I answer. “Right now, I want to eat those double-stuffed Oreos you’re hoarding behind your makeup bag and watch Pitch Perfect until I pass out on this futon.”