What He Fears

by E. M. Denning

  Andrew glanced at the wall. “Going again?”

  Nick laughed and shoved the rope into Andrew’s hands so he could unfasten his harness. “Another day, yes. Today, not a chance in hell.”

  Andrew beamed. “Yeah, it’s pretty brutal if you’re not used to it. Come on, we can shower, then hit the road.”

  Nick followed Andrew into the locker room where they grabbed their bags. Andrew pulled an extra towel out of his bag and handed it to Nick. “I figured you might need this.”

  “Thanks.” Nick stripped his shirt off and shook his arms, conscious of the way Andrew stared at him, with heat and maybe more than a little interest. “Man, I had no idea that would be so tough. I’m going to feel it for a while.”

  There was the barest glimpse of hesitation before Andrew reached out and grabbed Nick. He started at the left shoulder, kneading tired muscle and leaving behind a layer of chalk residue. The smears of chalk dust made Nick smile.

  “God, that feels amazing.”

  “We could take this into the shower if you wanted. It would be easier.”

  Nick chuckled, then groaned as Andrew’s calloused hands dug into a sore muscle. “You said you were tired of going slow, but there’s moving fast and then there’s sharing a shower in the middle of a date kind of fast and I need to know if you’re okay with this.”

  Andrew didn’t hesitate. “I’m okay with this.”

  Nick turned and reached for him. He slid his hands over Andrew’s cheeks and pulled him in for a kiss, his thumbs brushing along the curve of Andrew’s cheekbones. Nick kept the kiss quick and chaste, despite the urge to pin Andrew against the wall and possess him. He pulled his hands away and smiled at the traces of chalk dust he’d left on Andrew’s cheeks. “Come on, Dirty Boy,” Nick smeared the chalk with his thumb. “Let’s get clean.”

  Nick stripped out of his briefs and tossed them and the towel on the bench then entered the shower stall. Andrew was right behind him and pulled the vinyl curtain shut. To Nick’s delight this facility chose to outfit the showers with dispensers for shampoo and body wash.

  Andrew dispensed a generous amount of body wash into the palm of his hand. “Turn around. I want to start with your shoulders.”

  Nick turned his back to Andrew, thankful for the position which would let him hide his half hard cock. The promise of a massage, the kiss, and Andrew, naked and glorious made it impossible for him to hide his interest. Though, Nick supposed, if Andrew was going to massage him in the shower, Nick probably wasn’t supposed to hide his interest at all.

  All thought flew out of his mind when Andrew kneaded his shoulders. Strong fingers bit into his muscles. Powerful thumbs worked up the back of his neck.

  “Are you always this tense?” Andrew asked as he dug his thumbs into a hard muscle.

  “Probably.” He admitted.

  “Do you ever relax? Your muscles are like concrete.”

  “When I’m flying in subspace or when I’m working with rope, yeah.”

  “Tell me about it.” Andrew started working on Nick’s left arm like he’d been doing in the locker room. Nick closed his eyes and soaked in the heat of the water and the rough texture of Andrew’s hands.

  “What part?”

  “All of it. What’s subspace like?”

  Nick rolled the question around in his mind for a moment before answering. “I’m sure it’s different for everyone, but for me, it’s… I’m disconnected from everything outside of the moment. There’s no stress, no pressure, no worries. The world drops away and all I’m left with is how Rory makes me feel. The only thing I have to care about is what he wants and because he tells me, commands me, I never have to guess at it. I only have to exist and feel.”

  Andrew had worked his way down Nick’s left arm and moved onto his right.

  “You said you work with rope?”

  Nick nodded, his eyes drifted shut, and he soaked in the way Andrew touched him with strong and purposeful movements.

  “What’s it like? Why do you tie people up? What do you get out of it?”

  “I love the process of tying someone up.” Nick answered without hesitation. “The quiet of it, the routine, it helps clear my head. I have something to focus on. The knots, the tension, the way the rope lays against the skin. It’s a delicate balance, to get the rope tight enough to restrain someone, to mould their body to my whim, but not so tight that I cause harm. The precision it takes requires complete concentration. I’m in control of the rope and the sub and myself and all the brainpower it takes to coordinate all of that… there’s no room for anything else. Then there’s the satisfaction of pleasing someone. Of bringing them to that floaty place where I go when I need to disappear. It fills something inside of me, to give that to someone.”

  Something brushed against Nick’s hip. He could guess what it was, but he wanted to open his eyes and see it. To see the proof that Andrew wanted him as bad as he wanted Andrew.

  Nick opened his eyes, but looked Andrew in the face, first. His lips were parted and his hands still held onto Nick’s arm, but in a loose grip now. And finally, Nick looked down. Andrew had a beautiful cock. Long and thick with an unruly patch of hair at the base that flared up to his stomach. Nick drank in the sight of Andrew, rigid, tense, wet, and waiting.

  When Nick’s gaze finally returned to Andrew’s face, he watched his pink tongue poke out and slide along his lower lip, and Nick was done for.

  He took a step forward, pressing their cocks together as his hand came up and wrapped around the back of Andrew’s neck. He took another step forward, forcing Andrew to move backward until Nick had him pressed against the wall of the shower.

  Andrew’s hands clutched at Nick’s biceps. He arched his spine, tilting his hips, seeking more of the delicious slide of skin on skin as Nick thrust his tongue into Andrew’s mouth. He continued letting Andrew buck against him as he licked at the inside of Andrew’s mouth. Thrusting his fingers up into Andrew’s hair, scraping them along his scalp, caused a thick moan to tear from the man that made Nick’s pulse quicken.

  Nick pinned him to the wall and kissed a trail along his jaw. Skin scraped against stubble as Nick kissed his way to Andrew’s neck. His hand caught in Andrew’s hair and he tugged his head so his neck was more exposed.

  “Please.” Andrew whimpered as Nick licked the slope of his neck. His hands slid up Nick’s arms, and he looped his arms around Nick’s neck. “Please.”

  Nick closed his mouth around a spot on Andrew’s neck and latched on. As he worked at sucking up a mark, he tilted his hips and Andrew whimpered when Nick’s cock slid against his.

  “You want that?” Nick moved closer, trapping their cocks between their bodies as water poured over them. He watched Andrew’s mouth, watched him pant as his tongue flicked along the line of his lip as if he were trying to capture every last taste of Nick that had been left there.

  Andrew nodded, a barely there movement that was probably enough for some, but Nick liked words. He liked hearing the desperation in people’s voices when they finally admitted what they wanted. When their hesitation lost to basic human need.

  “Yes.” The need in Andrew’s voice was so heady Nick’s knees nearly buckled. No one had ever sounded like that before, as if Andrew was desperate down to his bones, but there was a hint of fear there; a note of trepidation that Nick wanted to take and mold and turn into something unforgettable for Andrew.

  Grinning at Andrew, he leaned in to kiss him again while his hands roamed up Andrew’s body. He smoothed them up his sides and down his arms, then gently pried Andrew’s arms away from his neck. In one fluid motion, he gripped Andrew’s wrists and pinned them to the wall. He thrust his pelvis forward, grinding against Andrew. All of Andrew’s quietly curious questions, all his guarded interest in dominance and submission had Nick nearly crazy with the need to know if it could work between them.

  When Nick pulled out of the kiss and looked at Andrew, his eyes were hooded, his lips parted and his chest heaved. Nick rock
ed his hips forward and Andrew groaned. Nick pressed his wrists harder against the tiled wall as he continued grinding their shower-slick erections together.

  But it wasn’t enough. Nick needed more. He nipped at Andrew’s lower lip, his cock twitched at the guttural moan that rumbled out of Andrew. “Don’t move.” He said as he released one of Andrew’s wrists. He reached between them and wrapped his hand around both of their shafts.

  “Oh, fuck, that’s amazing.” Andrew’s voice had been reduced to a lust-drenched whine. Nick stroked their cocks together in one long fluid motion and entwined the fingers on their other hands. Andrew’s head rested against the wall and he closed his eyes as Nick continued to stroke.

  “Andrew, look at me.”

  Andrew’s eyes fluttered open, and he looked at Nick. Surprise flickered in his expression as if he’d been shocked by the way he obeyed the command. Nick tightened his grip on their shafts and Andrew squeezed the fingers of his other hand but didn’t look away. Andrew's eyelids fluttered as he stared at Nick. When his lips parted, each indrawn gasp seemed to render Andrew weightless. Nick's slow stokes of their cocks increased Andrew's slide into ecstasy.

  Nick watched Andrew’s expression change. His eyebrows pinched together, and he panted through parted lips. Every so often a little sound would escape, a grunt, a moan, a whimper, and Nick would increase the pace of his hand, or change his grip.

  After a few minutes, Andrew’s shoulders pressed against the tile, but his pelvis thrust forward, seeking more friction. He still stared at Nick, but his eyes were wide and wild with lust. Nick grinned and leaned forward. He slanted his mouth over Andrew’s, plunging his tongue inside, licking and thrusting with his tongue as his fist sped up and brought them both closer to their release.

  Andrew came first. His free hand finally left the wall, and he clutched at Nick’s arm before wrapping his arm around Nick and burying his face in Nicks’ shoulder as he cried out and came, slicking Nick’s fingers. Nick’s orgasm followed. He panted into Andrew’s neck and shuddered, thrust. His come splattered against Andrew’s stomach.

  They stood there for a few minutes, spent and sated, hanging off each other under the spray of the shower. Nick dropped Andrew’s hand and tugged the man closer to him. He wrapped his arms around Andrew’s waist and rested his forehead on his shoulder.

  Nick reached for a dispenser and filled his palm full of shampoo, then with one arm still wrapped around Andrew, he gently massaged the shampoo into Andrew’s scalp. Nick turned them into the spray and rinsed Andrew’s hair.

  “You okay?” Nick asked as he rinsed the last of the shampoo from Andrew’s hair. He still seemed relaxed, but Nick felt that Andrew often held things close to his chest.

  Andrew kissed Nick’s neck below the earlobe as his hands glided up Nick’s back. “I’m… yeah.” The breath from his quiet laughter danced over Nick’s flesh and made him shiver. “I’m okay. That was ten kinds of mind blowing.”

  Reluctantly, Nick let him go so they could finish their shower. They rinsed off and redressed in silence, but Nick noticed the way Andrew kept stealing glances at him. It was clear to Nick that Andrew hadn’t been spooked by his first sexual encounter with a man.

  Nick had been with a few ‘first timers’ before and he was used to them tucking tail and running after getting hot and heavy with another man, but not Andrew. If anything, it seemed to bridge the gap between them. Andrew suddenly grew more comfortable with him. He stood closer, stole more glances, sneaked little touches here and there while they dressed. When they left the locker room Andrew surprised him further.

  “What do you say we take your car to the restaurant? After you can either drop me back here, or… we could go for drinks or something after dinner.” Andrew’s cheeks flushed, and his gaze dropped to the floor.

  Nick grabbed Andrew’s hand and laced their fingers together as they left the gym and headed for his vehicle. “It sounds perfect.”

  Chapter Seven

  Andrew

  Andrew hesitated before knocking. He hadn’t warned them that he was stopping in and he suddenly wondered if it was a bad time. Then the door swung open and Everett appeared. He lurched to a stop, but Puck, his dog, did not. Puck darted out of the door and threaded himself through Andrew’s knees, as if he wasn’t slightly too big to do it.

  “Drew.” Everett grinned. “I didn’t know you were coming by today.”

  Andrew shrugged. “I was in the neighborhood.”

  “Want to walk Puck with me? We’re bleaching my hair after and you’re welcome to hang out.”

  Andrew reached up and rubbed the back of his neck. “Uh, yeah, sure. But I’ll wait for you here. I want to talk to Xavier.”

  Everett reached out and patted Andrew on the arm. “He’s in the living room. I won’t be long.”

  Andrew stepped aside as Everett bent and collected Puck’s leash. He whistled and the brown ball of energy went to his side and disappeared into the stairwell with Everett. Andrew went into their apartment and toed out of his shoes before entering the living room. To his surprise, Xavier sat on the floor with a towel and an iron.

  “What are you doing?” Andrew dropped down into the recliner and watched Xavier as he ran the iron back and forth on the towel.

  “Getting wax out of the carpet.”

  “Should I ask why?”

  Xavier lifted his head and shot Andrew a wide smile. “Probably not.”

  Andrew shook his head but said nothing. Then, Xavier got a strange expression on his face. He looked down at the carpet and continued to work on extracting the wax from the carpet. “You’re okay right, with me an Ev? Coming here doesn’t bother you or weird you out, right?”

  Andrew took a deep breath. “Not really.”

  Xavier lifted his gaze and the wounded look in his eyes pierced Andrew’s heart. “Then why haven’t you been around? Ev is your best friend, and he’s missed you, Drew.” Xavier dropped his gaze again, paying attention to the iron instead of Andrew. Clearly, Everett wasn’t the only one who missed him.

  “There’s a reason I haven’t been around, Xavier, and it has little to do with either of you.”

  Xavier pulled the towel off the carpet and grinned as the wax clung to it instead of the carpet. “Success!” He beamed at Andrew and set the towel aside, then twisted around and unplugged the iron. “So, where’ve you been hiding?”

  “I’ve been seeing someone.”

  Xavier leaned forward. “No shit?”

  He nodded. “No shit.”

  Xavier grinned, then stretched out and slapped Andrew’s knee. “Well, hell. No wonder we haven’t seen you. You’ve been skirt chasing.”

  Andrew blushed. “Not exactly.” He took a little satisfaction in making Xavier’s jaw drop and his eyes widen like saucers.

  “Holy shit. You’re seeing a guy?” Xavier shot Andrew one of his widest smiles. It warmed him to know that his little brother was happy for him. “You do know I demand details, right? Who are you seeing? Is he cute? Can I meet him?”

  He laughed. “Can you calm down? You’re like a hyperactive puppy.”

  Xavier shoved himself to his feet then dramatically flopped down on the sofa. “You’re killing me, Drew. I need details. You’ve been all but ignoring Everett and I for months, and we’ve been like, super patient and shit, but c’mon. If you’re seeing someone that means you’re at least mostly over my boyfriend, so that means you can come around more and that means I want details.”

  “Details of what?” Everett asked as he walked into the living room with Puck close behind him. He bent down and lifted Xavier’s feet, then sat on the couch, putting Xavier’s feet into his lap.

  Xavier grinned at Everett. “Andrew has a boyfriend.”

  Andrew felt his face flush. “I do not. I mean, yeah, I’m seeing him, but we’re not exclusive. He’s sort of seeing someone else, too.”

  Xavier’s feet hit the floor, and he sat bolt upright. “Dude. You’re dating a dude who’s already dating s
omeone? You don’t do anything halfway do you?”

  Everett wrapped his arms around Xavier and pulled him down onto his lap. He ran his fingers through Xavier’s hair. “Calm down, X.” Everett looked at Andrew for a moment before he leaned back. “So, who’s the boy?”

  Andrew’s face heated again as he thought of his date with Nick. After their encounter in the shower at the gym, he’d taken him out to a steakhouse for dinner. The evening was perfect until Nick kissed him goodnight and then left him with a million doubts in his head. Andrew buried his face in his hands and groaned. Then he peeked up over his fingers and looked at Everett.

  “You can’t say anything.”

  “Promise.” Everett answered without hesitation, which made Andrew feel better, but only marginally.

  He’d ask anyone else if he had anyone else to ask. It was either Everett and Xavier or the guys on his construction crew and he was not about to ask them for dating advice. Hell, he hadn't’ told any of them he was bisexual.

  “Uh… you know how I haven’t been around much? Well, I’ve been hanging out with Nick. Nick Young.” Andrew watched Everett’s eyes widen, and he sat forward a little. “And we sort of went on a date last night.”

  Xavier sat up, he looked at Andrew with eyes, wide like saucers. “Nick Young? Hot cop who only has eyes for Rory? That Nick Young?”

  Andrew couldn’t tell what Everett was thinking. Xavier could at least try to contain his excitement, Andrew thought, but he chalked it up to Xavier being happy for him and did his best to ignore his overzealous reaction.

  “You look upset about something, Drew?” Everett said after a moment. He cocked an eyebrow. “That’s why you’re here right?”

  Andrew nodded. He rubbed at the back of his neck with his hand and stared at the floor, trying to ignore the flecks of wax that were still sprinkled in the carpet here and there. “He says he’s not exclusive with Rory.”

  “He’s not. Him and Rory have never been exclusive.”

  Everett’s reassurance lifted a portion of the guilt that sat on Andrew’s shoulders, but not all. He liked Rory. He’d always liked him. He had been there for Everett when he needed someone and Andrew couldn’t articulate how much that meant to him. Sure, he’d sort of hated Rory for a while because he was also jealous of his friendship with Everett, but Andrew kept thinking about the funny man at breakfast the other day. About the way he looked at Nick, all moony-eyed. Rory’s love for Nick had been painfully obvious.