Totaled

by Stacey Grice

  I was lying half on my stomach, with my right leg draped over his and my head resting on his massive chest, listening to the gentle but strong beating of his heart. He had fallen asleep about an hour ago. We lay tangled in each other’s limbs, talking for a while, and then I noticed his breathing change and his leg muscles twitch a few times. When I tried to wiggle out of his embrace, he stirred and grabbed hold of me, not even willing to let go of me in his dreams. It felt nice, so I nestled in and enjoyed it.

  The exhaustion was finally setting in and I allowed my eyes to close, enjoying being lulled to sleep by his steady breathing and drumming heartbeat. Drifting closer and closer to sleep, I relaxed all of my muscles, exhaled a deep breath, and gave in.

  Sometime after I had fallen asleep, I was awakened suddenly when I felt him jerk his legs and arms up all at once into the air, violently. I was thrown off of him by the action and woke up, startled. He remained on his back, but he was grimacing and starting to mumble something, sounding angry. As I rose up onto my knees beside him on the bed, I looked over his tortured expression, certain he had to be having a nightmare. Unsure of what to do, I tried to speak softly to him.

  “Drew? Hey, I think you’re having a dream. Shhh…it’s okay, wake up.”

  His right arm, the closest one to me, lashed out, and a tightly clenched fist struck my right thigh.

  “OUCH! Wake up! Hey, you need to wake up now. You’re just having a bad dream,” I said a little louder than before, rubbing my newly struck thigh in pain.

  I was getting nowhere. He started to shout unintelligibly and was kicking his legs out like he was trying to kick a monster off of him. I didn’t know what to do, but he looked so tortured, like he was in pain. I had to help him. I reached out my right hand to try and touch his shoulder. I shook him a little on the chest and shoulder all while talking to him.

  “Hey, it’s okay, Drew. You’re having a bad dream. Wake up now. Everything’s fine. I’m right here with you,” I tried to tell him.

  In the blink of an eye, before I even could see it coming, I felt his hand reach up and grab my throat. He squeezed and lifted up, choking off my airway. My body was slammed down onto the bed, the back of my head smashing into the headboard on the way down. I was thrown onto my back and froze. I could do nothing but stare in shock at his massive form climbing over me to straddle my body and pin down my hands. His eyes were open, but he wasn’t behind those eyes; they were just blankly staring out into nothing. I squirmed and tried to scream, but the more I moved, the tighter his muscles held me.

  I was in such shock, I could barely get out any words. “HEY! Please, STOP THIS! Wake up, PLEASE! YOU’RE SCARING ME!” I screamed, crying and begging for him to wake up.

  His right arm released my left wrist and went straight for my throat. I tried to bring my arm down to block it and brought my chin sharply down to my chest to protect myself, but the minimal effort was no match for his size, strength, and skill at this very thing. He was soon choking me. He squeezed with his right hand and leaned into it with all of his weight. I tried to kick my legs and buck my hips up to gain leverage, but he was crushing me. I couldn’t inhale a breath. My vision was blurring in and out. There were seconds, mere moments, where one of my kicks would land and he would loosen his grip enough to give me time to take in some air. I tried to scream to him, but it wasn’t working. I pounded my only free hand into his shoulder, chest, face, anything I could. The rage in his face just got more intense. He started shouting out into the room.

  “You fucking prick!”

  “You animal!”

  “You abusive, alcoholic, son of a bitch!”

  “I fucking hate you!”

  He let go of my throat and I gasped for air. He still sat over me and just stared straight ahead, not even looking at my face. I didn’t know if he was still sleeping or awake now. I took the opportunity to try to get out from under him, but it was like trying to lift a boulder. Trapped, I attempted once more to talk to him.

  “PLEASE STOP! It’s Meeeeeee! You’ve got to wake up, PLEASE! It’s Bree. Wake up, please. You’re HURTING ME!” I yelled and sobbed all at once.

  His eyebrows pulled together, lips tightening into a thin, straight line of fury and he placed both hands on my neck, strangling me of all ability to inhale a breath. Feeling my life slipping away from me, I dug deep within my body and gathered every speck of my remaining strength to kick up my knee as hard as I could possibly kick into his groin. I felt him wince slightly but was met immediately with his right fist colliding with my left cheek, like I had been struck with a solid two by four. I saw stars. I felt my body go limp. I could do nothing to protest or protect myself. All I could do was cry. I was shaking, still gasping for breath. Feeling like a tourniquet was still applied around my neck, I choked out, “Why?”

  “Why?”

  “Why would you do this?”

  “Please?”

  “Please stop this.”

  “Brian? Please.”

  In the instant that I said his name, I felt him still over top of me. He was still straddling me, but he wasn’t moving. I slowly turned my head to look at his face. Only being able to see well out of my right eye scared me. I reached my left hand up to my face and winced at how swollen it already was and how painful it was to even touch. I looked into his eyes and saw him again.

  He was back. And he was horrified.

  “Oh my God—Bree?” he said, looking down at my beaten face.

  “Get. Off. Of. Me,” I demanded calmly but firmly.

  He recoiled and the realization of where he was and what just happened sunk in. He frantically looked left and right, all around the room, jumped back and climbed off of me. “Oh my God. Oh my God. What have I done? Oh God, please. Bree, I had no idea. Oh my God. Please. Please. I am so sorry, Bree. Please,” he begged as he started to cry. His tears turned into sobs. His body started shaking and his pleas became hysterical. He started to walk back over to the bed toward me and I held my right hand up in the air to stop him. He halted all movement and just stood still, looking to me for direction.

  I slowly rose from my prone position and was greeted with the most intense throbbing in my head that I’ve ever experienced. If I combined every single headache I’d ever had in my twenty-two-year-old life into one giant headache, it would not equal the pain I felt in that moment. All of the adrenaline coursing through me moments ago came crashing down and I felt every ounce of pain that he had just inflicted. My leg felt broken, my face swollen to the point that I couldn’t see out of my left eye or move my lips the right way to talk.

  Having enough sense to realize that I was still naked, I calmly squeaked out, “Get me my clothes.”

  He picked up my sundress and panties, which were draped over a chair in the corner, and came over to hand them to me. He started to try to help me put my underwear on, but I snatched them from his hands and bent down to do it myself, trying to hide the lightheaded feeling that I got when I slowly brought my head back up. He just stood there watching me and continued to cry. The act of lowering my head to get my panties on over my feet was excruciating, but I refused to allow him to help me. I was in pain and confused, but the emotional hurt of just having been beaten by someone I cared about was more emotionally painful that anything else. I roughly dragged my dress over my head, flinching when the fabric came into contact with the left side of my face. Standing up, I turned slightly towards him to see him pacing back and forth quickly and frantically, like a caged animal at the zoo.

  “I have to go.”

  Stopping in mid-pace, he looked up and pleaded, “Bree, please…I’m so sorry. I would never hurt you. Please let me explain.”

  “I… I can’t. I have to go,” I answered and started to cry.

  “No. Bree, please. Please don’t do this. Don’t leave me. Please talk to me. Let me take you to the hospital. Please?” He sobbed out as he sank to his knees at my feet, bawling and begging for forgiveness.

  I turned away from him, g
rabbed my purse, and slowly walked away. My face was beaten, my neck was sore, but my heart was shattered.

  I felt dizzy, my equilibrium way off, but I managed to get to my car and sat down in the driver’s seat. I was thankful that I at least had the presence of mind to realize that I couldn’t drive like this. But who could I call? Not Liam. Not my father. They couldn’t know about this. I may have just been beaten close to death by my boyfriend, but I knew in my heart that it wasn’t him. He didn’t mean to do this to me. I loved him and had to protect him. I had to think carefully about how to handle this.

  I reached for my cell phone, noticing that it was just after three in the morning. Holding down the number to speed dial Sue, I heard the ringing and it sounded like a bull horn being held an inch from my ear.

  “This better be good, Murphy. I was having the best dream,” she answered groggily.

  “I need you to come and get me.”

  “What? Seriously? What the fuck for? Are you drunk?”

  “No. Please. I need you to come and get me now. I’ll explain when you get here.”

  “Where are you?” she barked, annoyed.

  “I’m outside of Drew’s house.”

  “Well, wake his ass up to take you home.”

  I had no words. I just started crying into the phone, almost unable to catch my breath between broken sobs. What was I supposed to say? My boyfriend can’t drive me home because he just beat me? I need you to come because I have no one else to call? I can’t call my dad because he’ll kill him? What could I say that would make her realize that this wasn’t a fucking joke or drill? And then it hit me. I had only ever said it to her once before, when my mother died. She knew back then and came immediately.

  “Jellyfish.”

  The End…

  For now.

  Acknowledgments

  One day I decided that I was going to write a book. I had an idea, wrote a scene, and took off running. With the exception of having my daughter and being a mom, writing has been the most enjoyable and fulfilling thing I have ever taken on. I had no idea that I had it in me.

  There are so many people that I need to thank for helping me make this dream of publishing a book a reality. While these few words of appreciation aren’t nearly enough, I hope they make you all feel how truly grateful I am.

  First, I need to give thanks to my husband and best friend, Stacy. Your support means the world to me. You had to deal with a messy house and a sleep deprived, cranky wife for the past few months, but you always believed in me and for that I love you (more than anything). Our house and lives would be even more of a disaster if you hadn’t been pulling both your weight and a large percentage of mine while I was finishing this book. I would be nowhere without your constant help for my technologically challenged self. Also, your work on the formatting and the book cover is phenomenal and exactly what I envisioned. XOXO

  Annette MacDowell, my mother and number one fan, thank you for your constant unwavering support. No matter what I dream up or set as a goal, you have always been first in line to cheer me on. Always optimistic, but realistic and never judgmental. I depend on our gut-check conversations more than you will ever know.

  Erin Roth, of Wise Owl Editing, for an incredible job shaping this manuscript into the best it could be. Your insight and skill made this novel leaps and bounds better and I am so appreciative that you were so flexible, pleasant, and fun to work with. I am honored to have had you be a part of my debut and look forward to a long standing professional relationship as well as a great friendship.

  This book would not have been possible without the wonderful help of all of my beta readers. To my Ellen D girls, Rhonda Stickney, Kiri Cooper, Angela Kuehl, Melinda McRae, and Charrell Thomas…you all endured many thankless night shifts of chalk talk at the nurses station that were all so helpful in shaping this story. You suffered through tons of changes, re-reads, more changes, and more re-reads after that, and through it all you never got sick of Bree and Drew; you never got tired of me asking for your opinions. I am so lucky to be able to work beside each of you and I am beyond blessed that each of you are my friends. I love and appreciate you all more than can even be expressed.

  Debi Barnes, my sistah from anuthah mistah, my best friend that I have never met. You. Are. A. Godsend. I am forever grateful to Aestas Book Blog for giving me your name and cannot imagine my life without you in it now. Your encouragement and praise for Totaled has been amazing, but not nearly as good as you calling me out on my crap. This book would be a piece of shite without your critique and I would have given up on being an author long ago if it weren’t for your proverbial talking me off the ledge. I depend on our phone calls and messages to keep me sane and when I finally do get to meet you in person, I’m going to accost you with a squeeze-your-guts-out hug!

  I also appreciate that you gave me Elle Wilson and Jennie Wertz. Elle, your love and knowledge of the UFC world was crucial to this novel and I am so thankful for all of your fact checking and enthusiasm. Thanks for honing in on my obnoxious use of exclamation points. Jennie, your beta skills are impeccable and so helpful. You have the most perfect way of smoothly praising while simultaneously critiquing a manuscript. I am so fortunate to have you both on my team.

  Laura Wilson, you are one of the most real and hilarious people that I have ever known. You are genuine and truthful and make no apologies for how you feel, and for that I love you! Our friendship is so important to me and I can’t express my gratitude enough for your honesty and when I needed it the most and for making me laugh on a daily basis. You are beta reading gold and an amazing friend.

  Sarah Griffin, I am so grateful that I finally got the guts to message you and ask you to beta read for me. Your critiques in our other beta group were always spot on and I was nervous but I am so glad I asked and even happier that you said yes. You are the indie world’s best kept secret. Your guidance with the writing, synopsis, and marketing was invaluable. And you make the most fantastic graphics and teasers. I love you and cherish every single thing you have said and done to help me through this crazy process.

  Allison East, your name was given to me by none other than the extraordinary Kaci Buckley when I was searching for betas and I am forever indebted to her for it. Your critiques, suggestions, and support both on Love Affair with a Good Book and personally have been so clutch at times. And you were the first one to show me love on Goodreads! I love you and I cannot wait to repay the favor as you explore your own writing chops. What I have read so far is amazing!

  Amber Clark of Book Lover Amber, thank you for pointing out my “just” obsession amongst other things. I am so appreciative of you taking the time to help and do multiple re-reads when I know how very busy you are. You are JUST awesome!

  Dimitra Fleissner, my talented friend all the way across the Atlantic. I still think it is super cool that I have a beta reader in Germany. Your criticism for Totaled was so needed and valued and I am grateful for you taking the time. I cannot wait to meet you in person one day and hear you play the harp.

  Keith Fisher, I am so thankful for your friendship and interest in what I had locked up in this brain early on. Your honest opinions catapulted me into believing that I actually had something here. You are brilliant and I appreciate everything you did and do!

  Kristina Maor, of Kristina Maor Photography, your artistic talent is insane. You brought these characters to life with your photographs and were so generous with your time and help. I am proud to have your pictures on my cover and graphics and even more proud to call you my friend.

  Claire Gardner and Marvin Short, thank you both for freezing through the photography session, and for so beautifully and perfectly providing faces (and bodies) for Bree and Drew. It could not have possibly turned out any better and I look forward to our next photo shoot!

  Casey Grice, my bruthah from anuthah Muthah—Thank you for serving as the inspiration for all of Sue’s awesome Sue-isms. It is mind bottling how amazing and hilarious you are! I appreci
ate you brainstorming new ways to screw up common idioms.

  Brandy Palmer, Elaine Mosgofian, and Jana Quinn—thank you all for providing a fresh set of eyes and taking one final look at the novel before it went to formatting.

  Ashley Wilcox of ACS Tours, thank you for organizing and hosting the blog tour and for your help and guidance along the way.

  Kathleen Klingaman— my book guru, thank you for introducing me to this world and for the use of your maiden name. I hope I did it justice.

  Daniel Holmes, for your MMA expertise and the use of your gloves, twice.

  Special shout out to Mean Girls Luv Books, Book fri-ENDS, iScream Books, Word, and Books To Breathe!

  Charles Sheehan-Miles, you are the man—an unbelievable role model in this chaotic indie world that I have the utmost respect for. Being one of your beta readers has been one of the most gratifying and instructive things I have ever been a part of. I have learned so much from you and still sit in awe of your talent and gift of words. You have helped me and guided me so much along the way and taken the time to show kindness when it was hard to come by. You make the author community a better place and I am proud to know you and to call you a friend.

  And last but certainly not least, Andrea Randall. My indie author idol. My mentor. My friend. It is still astonishing to me that I was just one of your many fans and you took the time to respond to my question one day in a Facebook post soliciting help. You have given me more advice and guidance that anyone else in this community and you didn’t have to do any of that. The suggestions and names that you provided to me have saved me a lot of grief and money and I have no idea how to tell you properly how much your kindness and generosity mean to me. I am so grateful that you took a chance on me and allowed me to be one of your beta readers. Learning from your talent and experience has been one of the biggest joys of my life and I hope to be a member of your team for many, many years to come. The entire world needs to know about the genius that is Andrea Randall!