Chasing Perfect

by Susan Mallery

  Marsha’s eyes widened and her mouth dropped open. “Pregnant?” she whispered.

  “Apparently. I peed on a stick and everything.” She swallowed. “It’s Josh, in case you were wondering. He’s the only one I’ve…You know.” While she didn’t have a lot of experience with having a grandmother, she was going to go out on a limb and assume Marsha didn’t want any more details about her intimate relationships.

  “I don’t know how this happened,” Charity continued, giving in to her frustration. “Well, I know how it happened. I guess I don’t know how I let it happen. Why now? I’m just settling in here. I’m finding my way and I really like it here. Being pregnant will change everything.”

  She sucked in a breath. “And did it have to be Josh? He’s the poster child for self-absorption. I don’t mean that to sound as harsh as it does, but you know what I mean. He’s got his life, too. He’s not interested in anything but getting back on the racing circuit. He’s going to be that famous athlete again, which is great for him, but a baby? He’s not going to be happy.”

  She wondered if he would think she was like all the other women who did their best to trick him into supporting them. She thought about Emily showing up in his room and who knows how many others. Of course he would think the worst about her, she thought grimly. What other choice would he have? Talk about a disaster.

  She opened her mouth to continue her rant, then noticed that Marsha was staring at her with a happy, almost blissful expression.

  “You’re having a baby,” the other woman said, then stepped close and hugged her.

  The warm, supportive embrace melted away Charity’s anxiety. Suddenly she could breathe easily.

  “I guess I am,” Charity said, realizing that not keeping the baby wasn’t an option. Ready or not, she was going to be a mom. “I’m having a baby. Me.”

  Marsha drew back slightly. “I’m going to be a great-grandmother. That sounds impressive. And old.”

  “Not old. Experienced.”

  Marsha laughed. “I think experienced makes me sound like an aging hooker.” She took Charity’s arm and led her into the living room. “Are you still in shock?”

  “Yes, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. It’s not real. I just found out five minutes ago.”

  Marsha sat next to her and took her hand. “So you haven’t told Josh?”

  “No. I just found myself coming here.” A million thoughts tumbled through her brain. She tried to pick just one to focus on, but she couldn’t. Talk about impossible.

  “Are you staying?”

  At first Charity didn’t understand the question, then she was hugging Marsha again, feeling the other woman’s fear over losing her family for the second time.

  “I’m staying,” Charity told her firmly. “Being pregnant and single isn’t how I wanted to be known around town, but if you can live with it, then I can, too.”

  “Of course I can live with it. I’m delighted.”

  Charity straightened, then leaned back against the sofa. She pressed a hand to her belly. “Pregnant. There’s a conversation starter.” She glanced at Marsha. “Don’t worry. I know I have to tell him. And considering where I live, I need to do it soon. This is not a good place to keep secrets.”

  “Have the two of you talked about any kind of future together?” Marsha asked delicately.

  “We don’t plan much past the weekend. Josh is focused on the race and what that means to him. He wants to go back to his old life. I know that. I know he misses the excitement of racing.” The thrill of being famous. “He’s not going to like this.”

  “He might surprise you. Josh has always wanted a family.”

  “He strikes me as a ‘one day’ kind of guy. The man who always says that he would like to settle down, one day.” She looked at Marsha. “I’m not hoping for a miracle. He’s not going to fall to his knees and beg me to marry him.”

  “Would you like him to?”

  Charity looked away. She loved Josh—that was the easy part. But having a future with him? Not possible. “We want different things. We have different visions for our lives.”

  “Marriage is all about compromise.”

  “He wants to be in the limelight. I want normal, in every sense of the word. A really normal guy would be great.”

  “But you’re not pregnant with a really normal guy’s baby. You’re pregnant with Josh’s.”

  “A technicality,” Charity said with a smile. “But I do love him.”

  Marsha patted her arm. “You’re a smart girl. You’ll figure it out. Josh will need a little time to get used to the fact that you’re pregnant, but I think it’s going to all work out. You’ll see.”

  Charity hoped she was right. “If he doesn’t want to be a part of our lives, we’ll be fine. I was raised by a single mom. I know the good and the bad of the situation.” She took Marsha’s hand in her own. “It’s not like I’ll be completely by myself.”

  “No, you won’t. You’ll have me, no matter what.”

  The words gave her comfort.

  “And the town,” Marsha added.

  Charity groaned. “I didn’t think that part through. Everyone is going to go crazy when they find out I’m carrying Josh’s baby. What am I supposed to do about that?”

  “Honestly?” Marsha asked. “Keep it a secret as long as possible.”

  Charity laughed. “That’s not very helpful.”

  “It’s the best I can do.”

  TWO NIGHTS LATER, Charity sat on her bed as she and Josh watched a movie together. In the past forty-eight hours, she’d had dozens of opportunities to tell him she was pregnant and had chickened out each and every time.

  She told herself she was looking for the perfect moment, which was a complete lie. She simply didn’t want him to know. Once he knew, everything would change and she wasn’t ready to lose him. Still, each day that went by created a problem. Withholding the information made her uncomfortable with herself. So she was going to have to suck it up and say the words.

  The action on the television shifted. They were watching some kind of an international spy movie with the fate of the world resting on the shoulders of a handsome leading man. Sort of like James Bond, but without the yummy accent. The leading lady was supposed to be Russian and the bad guy was from a nameless European country.

  When the bad guy’s girlfriend moved onto the screen, Josh pointed. “That’s Angelique. She made this movie right before we split up. I visited her on the set a few times.”

  He spoke casually, as if sharing an interesting fact that had no consequence. Which would be the case, for anyone else. Not so much for her.

  Charity had known Josh had been married to Angelique. She had a vague memory of a beautiful brunette with large eyes and huge breasts. But that mental image wasn’t anything like the very real, very beautiful woman she watched now.

  Angelique wore little more than a short nightshirt. Her legs were endlessly long and perfect. Her breasts thrust toward the camera, her tight nipples clearly visible beneath the thin layer of silk.

  There was something about her, some indefinable element that made her watchable and appealing. Charisma, Charity thought grimly. The same as Josh.

  She’d never seen a picture of the two of them together, but she had a feeling they would look as if they completely belonged with each other. No one would question what either saw in the other. It made sense.

  “You were married to her?” Her words came out as a question, even though she already knew the answer.

  “I told you about her.”

  Oh, sure. But there was a big difference between mentioning a former wife and admitting that one had been married to a goddess-like creature.

  Not that she was going to say that to him. “She’s very beautiful,” she murmured.

  “I guess.” Josh stared at the screen, then shrugged. “The nose job didn’t go well. She had to get a second surgery to fix it.”

  Charity raised her eyebrows. “I’m not sure you
should be telling me that.”

  He turned to her, his hazel-green eyes dark with concern. “I know what you think when you look at her.”

  “I doubt that.”

  “I know what I think. It was a long time ago. I’m not sorry it’s over.”

  Wasn’t he? After all, Angelique had left him. He wanted to get back into racing, to return to his former glory. How much of that was about showing his ex-wife exactly what she’d lost? Once he was on top again, it would be his turn to do the rejecting. Or maybe he planned to get back together with her and make perfect babies together. A completely irrational thought, she told herself. No doubt brought to life by worry and surging hormones.

  “Don’t go there,” he told her.

  “Go where?”

  “Wherever it is you are right now. I’m not interested in her. Been there, done that.”

  “Bought the T-shirt?”

  He grinned at her. “Uh-huh.”

  She looked at him, as if seeing him for the first time. The perfect features, the easy smile, the giant ego and warm, caring heart. He was a good guy, and under other circumstances, she would be almost comfortable having fallen in love with him. Unfortunately, she was dealing with these circumstances.

  “Charity?” he asked, looking concerned. “What’s wrong?”

  She drew in a breath, then coughed up the truth.

  “I’m pregnant.”

  JOSH HAD BEEN PREPARED to hear her say she thought she was coming down with something, or the sight of Angelique was intimidating or that she had decided she hated small-town living and wanted to move to L.A.

  Instead there were two words and a faint buzzing sound in his head. He felt as if all the air had been sucked from the room. He couldn’t breathe, but that was the least of it. He couldn’t think. Couldn’t figure out what she’d meant.

  She gazed at him expectantly, making him aware that he was supposed to say something in response.

  Pregnant? Pregnant.

  There was going to be a baby. His baby.

  Josh rose from the bed and stared at Charity. A sense of urgency swept through him. He couldn’t have a kid now—he wasn’t ready. He didn’t have enough of his shit together. He would screw up everything.

  Time, he told himself quickly. He had a few months to get ready. To figure it out and be the kind of dad a kid deserved.

  Charity turned away. “I don’t expect anything,” she said flatly. “You don’t have to panic. I’m telling you as a courtesy, nothing more.”

  He didn’t like the sound of that. “What do you mean?”

  “I’m the one who’s pregnant, not you. The baby is my responsibility.”

  “Mine, too,” he said, still not able to grasp the significance of what was happening.

  A child. They were going to bring a child into the world. The phrase “ready or not” had never been so significant.

  “I’ll figure this out,” he said, more to himself than her.

  “You don’t have to.”

  “I’m a part of this,” he told her. “I’ll be there for you and the baby.”

  She didn’t look as if she believed him. Knowing all she did about his past, how he’d failed, he knew why she had doubts.

  “Just give me a little time,” he told her, as he backed toward the door. “You’ll see.”

  And then he was gone. Charity leaned back against the pillow and smoothed her hand over the still warm place on the bed. What she would see was how quickly he left, she thought sadly. His reaction wasn’t a surprise, but it was still very much a disappointment.

  “OH MY GOD!” Pia stood in the doorway to her apartment and stared wide-eyed at Charity. “You look incredible. I love the cut and the color. You went to Julia, didn’t you? No one does highlights like her. Don’t tell Bella I said that. Wow. You’re all fluffy and pretty.”

  Charity smiled wanly at her friend. “I’m not feeling especially fluffy.”

  “Then come in and we’ll change that.”

  Charity walked into the cheerful apartment. “I’m sorry for dropping in like this. I should have called. It’s late.”

  Pia shook her head. “Don’t be silly. It’s not like I have a date or anything.” She led the way into the living room, where the TV showed a frozen frame of a movie. Sandra Bullock stood by a mailbox next to a house made almost entirely of glass.

  “The Lake House,” Pia said. “I love it. I can’t help myself. He waited for her for two years. What guy does that?”

  Charity hadn’t meant to come here. After Josh had left, she’d told herself that she would be fine. That she would get through this. Hundreds, maybe thousands of single women found out they were pregnant every day. They managed. It wasn’t the idea of being a parent on her own that was ripping her up inside. It was the realization that Josh didn’t love her back. She hadn’t really expected him to, but now she couldn’t even hope for a happy ending.

  “All men are pigs,” she said, then motioned to the screen. “Except Keanu Reeves.”

  “Exactly.” Pia led her to the sofa. “Although I should probably tell you I do have a new guy in my life.” She motioned to the short-haired marmalade cat curled up in a club chair. “That’s Jake,” she said, lowering her voice. “Crystal’s cat.”

  “Oh. He’s beautiful.”

  The cat looked up and stared at Charity. His eyes were large and the color of emeralds. His expression turned haughty, as if he found her wanting, then he put his head back down and closed his eyes.

  “We’re spending the weekend together, seeing if we can figure out if we get along.” Pia wrinkled her nose. “I’m not really a pet person, but it’s a way to help Crystal. And maybe having a cat around will be a good thing.” She sounded doubtful.

  “Is he friendly?”

  “I don’t know. He keeps to himself. I’m respecting his need to take things slow.”

  Charity stared at her friend. “He’s a cat.”

  “I know, but aren’t they supposed to be haughty and aloof? I thought if I let him make the first move, things would go better. I don’t want him to think I want the relationship more than he does.”

  “I think you’re giving him way too much credit. He doesn’t have a master plan.”

  Pia eyed her loaner pet. “I’m thinking maybe he does. We’ll see what happens. So far he’s very quiet. And clean. I thought I’d be freaked out by the idea of a litterbox, but I’m not. His aim is a lot better than most guys I know.”

  “Maybe he’s the answer.”

  “Maybe.” Pia turned toward her. “Can I get you something? I have an assortment of ice cream selections. I’m going through a dairy phase. There’s not a single cookie in the whole place, but I probably have five different kinds of ice cream.”

  “No, thanks.” Charity touched her stomach. So far she hadn’t had any cravings or queasiness, but she didn’t want to push anything too far.

  “What’s going on?” Pia asked. “Something happened and I’m guessing it was with Josh.”

  Charity nodded. “I don’t know why I let myself believe this would be different. Of all the guys to fall for. What was I thinking?”

  “You weren’t thinking. That’s the problem. We don’t think when it comes to men. Honestly, I don’t know why Marsha is so hell-bent on getting more of them in town. They’re nothing but trouble.”

  She reached for Charity’s hand and squeezed it. “Start at the beginning and tell me the horrible thing he’s done. Then we’ll get drunk and call him names.”

  “I can’t.”

  Pia smiled. “Don’t worry. We’ll find your anger. It’s right under the hurt. Trust me—I have a world of experience at this. I’ll have you swearing in ways you never thought possible.”

  Charity stared at her friend. “No, I mean I can’t have anything to drink. I’m pregnant.”

  She had to give Pia credit. Nothing about her expression changed. Her only reaction was to calmly ask, “Are you sure?”

  “I peed on a stick.”
r />   “And there’s only been Josh?”

  That made Charity smile. “Do I seem like someone who would sleep with more than one guy?”

  “You have depths. It could happen.”

  “It didn’t. I’m pregnant.” She said the words more for herself than Pia, to help herself get used to the idea.

  “How do you feel about it?” Pia asked. “Have you always dreamed of having children?”

  “Sure. Haven’t you?”

  Pia shrugged. “Some days. But it’s a lot of responsibility, and parents can really screw up a kid. I’m not sure I want to take the risk of passing on the family tradition of emotional devastation. But we’re not talking about me. How do you feel?”

  “I don’t know. Excited, scared.” She drew in a breath and mentally poked around inside. “Happy,” she said slowly, then realized it was true. “I’m happy.”

  “Then yay you.” Pia squeezed her fingers again. “You’ll be a great mom.”

  “How do you know?”

  “You have the personality. You take care of things. You care. You have Marsha for a grandmother and she’s amazing.”

  “This isn’t how I would have chosen to do things,” she admitted. “But I don’t have regrets.”

  Pia released her hand, then wrinkled her nose. “At the risk of breaking your mood, I’m guessing Josh didn’t take it very well? You wouldn’t be here if he did.”

  “He freaked,” Charity said with a sigh. “He mumbled something about figuring it out, swore he would be there for me and the baby, then raced out so fast he left those clichéd skid marks on the floor. There’s no way he’s going to be able to handle it.”

  She hated to think that, let alone say it. “I didn’t realize I had a whole fantasy about Josh until it all came crashing down around me. I’d hoped he would be excited, or at least open to the idea.”

  “At the risk of violating the girl code, you need to give him a break. You told him something huge. He should get a few minutes to absorb it all. He might surprise you.”

  “Not in a good way.”

  Pia shook her head. “Josh is a good guy. When things are tough, he comes through. Give him a little credit.”