Variant Lost (The Evelyn Maynard Trilogy Book 1)

by Kaydence Snow

  I spun around, stunned, and didn’t waste any time, walking through the door into what I realized was the cloakroom. There was no one inside and it was very dim, the only light coming from the serving window in the wall to my left. It was just enough to see by.

  He followed me in, closing the door behind him, and stood in the middle of the small room, arms crossed, feet wide, surrounded by coats and furs. I took a deep breath and gathered my thoughts, moving in front of the door to block his exit.

  Facing him fully, I looked straight in his ice-blue eyes and said what I had been waiting to say for over a year.

  “I don’t think you understand how much it meant to me what you did. And I’m not just talking about pulling me out of the water and getting me medical attention. I don’t know what happened to you to make you think that you don’t deserve thanks, but you do.”

  He tightened his arms across his chest but averted his eyes, looking uncomfortable.

  I kept going, determined to get it all out before he bolted. “You saved my life by doing your job, and maybe it was just part of your job, but you and your team still deserve my gratitude for doing that. So, thank you.”

  I paused, wanting to make sure I got the next bit right. “But what you did in the hospital after—that’s what meant the world to me. That’s what had me trying to track you down for a year.”

  He finally looked at me again, his brow creasing.

  “You were there for me in the lowest moment of my entire existence. I felt more alone and adrift when I woke up in that hospital bed than I ever did floating by myself in the middle of the Pacific. I don’t know what made you stay with me, or what made you comfort me when I realized that my . . .” mother died. I still couldn’t bring myself to say it. “What you did for me in the hospital is what truly saved me. I may have been too destroyed by grief at the time, but after, I realized you had given me hope—a hint of the idea that I didn’t have to be alone in the world. And for that I am truly grateful.”

  His arms slowly dropped to his sides as I spoke, an incomprehensible expression falling over his face, so intense that I almost withered beneath it. Almost.

  “Alec Zacarias, thank you.” Finally, I had said it. Finally, he had heard it.

  “I had no idea . . .” His voice was softer than I’d heard it since I first saw him in the square months ago. That smooth honey quality—the one I lived to hear—was back. “If it really meant that much to you, I accept your thanks. You’re more welcome than you know.”

  With a sigh of relief, I leaned back against the door and closed my eyes; he had taken me seriously, and he’d accepted my thanks. I’d been so focused on delivering it, I hadn’t realized how much I’d been dreading his response.

  I tried to focus on how to phrase my next question—how to bring up the night of the crash. I hoped the moment we’d just had would soften him up enough to give me the answers I needed.

  But I never got a chance to say anything else.

  I heard him step forward, and when I opened my eyes, he was right in front of me, his eyes searching my face. I was reminded of how he’d looked at me on the stairs at the start of the evening, and a warm shiver ran down my spine.

  His eyes flicked down to my lips, making his intention very clear.

  I had no idea how I’d found myself in this situation, but apparently I wasn’t interested in getting out of it, because I didn’t say anything or move away. Instead, I tilted my face up, and my lips parted of their own volition.

  “Put your hands behind your back. Don’t touch,” he whispered.

  His tone wasn’t forceful or demanding, but my body obeyed immediately. Some small part of my functioning brain briefly registered that this was a bad idea, considering his ability to deliver excruciating pain regardless of whether I was touching him or not, but I didn’t care. If anything, the potential danger made it more exciting.

  He placed his hands on either side of my head, against the door, and leaned in, kissing me with all the demanding force that had been missing from his voice a moment ago. I moaned into his mouth, surprising myself. He didn’t press his body into mine. Nowhere did we touch except our lips.

  He pulled away after only a few dizzying seconds.

  And for the first time since I’d met him, it was I who ran from him.

  My head spinning, I turned around, yanked the door open, and ran to the ladies’ room. I shut myself into a stall and took several deep breaths.

  What the hell was I doing? Why had I been so willing to do as he asked? So eager for him to kiss me?

  This was wrong. I knew it was wrong. But it had felt so right.

  I was on the verge of panic. I felt as though I’d betrayed not only the three amazing guys I was connected to but also myself.

  Yes, Tyler was reluctant and cautious, doing everything in his power to keep things between us platonic, but he was still a part of my Bond. Ethan and Josh clearly wanted to be with me, but we were forced to take it slow. My relationship with them was ambiguous and restrained, but I was their Vital, and they were my Variants. They were mine.

  Even just being attracted to Alec made me feel awful. I had three, three, guys that I knew without a shadow of a doubt were mine in one way or another, and I still wasn’t satisfied. What the hell was wrong with me?

  A few women came into the bathroom, chatting, and I did my best to calm myself, straightening my dress and taking another breath before flushing the unused toilet and stepping out. Smiling at them politely, I washed my hands, checked my reflection, and went back outside.

  Alec was nowhere to be seen.

  I made my way back to the ballroom and hunted down a waiter, snagging a champagne from his tray and downing it in three big gulps. Because adding more alcohol to the mix after doing something stupid was always a good idea, right?

  With the formal proceedings of the evening over, the lights were dimmed and the music turned up. Everyone appeared to relax. Both the dance floor and the bar became more and more crowded as the night wore on. I spent the rest of the gala avoiding the guys as much as I could and dancing with Dot, distracting myself as best I could from my own poor choices. She threw me a couple of questioning glances but thankfully didn’t prod me for an explanation.

  By the end of the evening, my hair had completely come loose from the bun, and I shuddered to think what my makeup looked like. As all the beautiful people in their shiny eveningwear streamed out of the ballroom, I realized I was drunk.

  At least I wasn’t the only one. Dot was a giggly mess, and Tyler’s eyes had a distinct glassiness to them, although he held his liquor much better than I did. Ethan and Josh had had a few drinks, but neither of them was messy. I suppose they couldn’t afford to really lose control with the kinds of abilities they had. Charlie was the only one who hadn’t had anything to drink. He’d glued himself to Dot and me, declaring that “someone has to take care of your drunk asses.”

  I hadn’t seen Alec since the . . . incident in the cloakroom. I was hoping he had done his disappearing act and I wouldn’t have to see him again for a few days.

  “Man, Alec is such a jerk.” The alcohol in my system had significantly thinned the filter between my brain and my mouth, and everyone laughed as our group spilled onto the street. All the paparazzi were gone, as was the angry crowd with the signs, but I did notice a few of Tyler’s men hovering close by.

  Dot slung an arm over my shoulders. “Did”—she hiccupped—“did you try to thank him again, and he ran away again?”

  “No.” I leaned into her, overbalancing, but Josh was on my other side and pulled us up straight. “I mean, yes. I mean, I made him listen to . . . and it was a really good thanks, you know? Like, I put a lot of effort into how I was . . . how I worded it. And then he listened. He listened, Dot!” She nodded sagely. “And I was so happy. And then that . . . that jerk face, douche canoe ruined it.”

  Everyone else laughed at my choice of words, but Dot sounded outraged. “No!”

  “Yep.”
I was still with it enough to stop myself from elaborating on how exactly he’d ruined it, which was a miracle, because it would have made the next five minutes even more awkward than they were.

  We decided not to wait for the limo to be pulled around, walking up the street to where it was parked

  “I’ve texted the driver. He’s on his way,” Tyler told us as he pulled open the door.

  The limo’s interior light came on, and the mystery of Alec’s whereabouts was solved.

  He was seated in the middle of the back seat, legs stretched out in front of him, his shirt unbuttoned and half off his shoulders. Straddling his lap was Dana, one of the straps of her dress hanging down. Their hands were all over each other.

  For a beat everyone just stared, and then Dot shrieked, “EEW!” and covered her eyes with her hands.

  Alec’s head whipped up, and his eyes went straight to mine. They widened in pure horror just as Tyler slammed the door shut.

  Bile rose in the back of my throat, and tears burned my eyes. I turned, shoving past Ethan and Josh, and managed to make it to some trashcans by an alleyway before I doubled over and vomited.

  Dot was at my side in an instant, my messiness sobering her up. She expertly pulled back my hair while shouting at the boys, “Stay back, this is strictly a girlfriend job!”

  I was so grateful to Dot in that moment. It was bad enough that I was vomiting Dom Perignon all over a dirty alley, getting it on the beautiful green beading at the bottom of my dress. I really didn’t need my guys seeing this shit up close.

  When my stomach was empty, Dot handed me a napkin, and someone produced a bottle of water. For once I wished I could blush, if only so they could all see how embarrassed I was without me having to speak.

  “I’m so sorry,” I said, my voice low and hoarse—just like my feelings. “That was so gross.” I wasn’t sure if I meant what we’d all witnessed in the limo or my vomiting. And I wasn’t sure if the vomiting was due to the alcohol or the fact that Alec had kissed me and then promptly forgot about it, running straight to that . . . woman.

  “It’s OK, Eve,” Tyler said as I avoided eye contact with everyone. “Let’s get you home. Alec and Dana took a cab.” He opened the door of the limo once again, but I cringed away.

  “Nope!” I said a little too loudly. “I am not getting in that car. Nyet. Nein. Non. No way.”

  “She’s got a point,” Dot, my hero for the night, piped in. “I don’t want to catch any diseases. We’ll walk. It’s only four blocks.”

  Charlie said he’d walk with us, and Ethan wrapped a comforting arm around my shoulders. “I’ll go too. My cocoa puff could probably use a walk to sober up.”

  “Thanks, muffin.” I tried to inject the usual playfulness into my voice, but it just came out flat. I was confused, tired, guilty, and still a little drunk; I smelled like vomit; my feet hurt; and I had been humiliated twice over. I was so ready for bed.

  Twenty

  The next morning I woke up in an unfamiliar room, the light streaming through the window sending a searing jolt of pain through my skull. I really had to stop making this “waking up in strange beds” thing a habit.

  Wherever I was looked like a high-end hotel room. The walls were a muted gray, the half-drawn curtains a rich teal color. I rolled away from the light to face the wardrobe, leaving plenty of room on either side of me on the king-sized bed.

  At least this time there was no one in bed with me. I lifted the covers to check the situation anyway; I had on my underwear and a very large white T-shirt. A vague memory of comforting arms steadying me as I stumbled into a bathroom, said T-shirt in hand, drifted back to me.

  Once one thing wormed its way into my fragile mind, so did the rest.

  Like a disaster comedy played in reverse, I remembered the walk to Ethan’s uncle’s apartment, where we’d planned to stay, Ethan draping his jacket over my shoulders as I started to cry. He had asked me quietly what was wrong, and I’d snuggled into his side and refused to answer. He hadn’t prodded me, instead just holding me close as we walked.

  Before that had been the vomiting. As I remembered the rank smell of the trashcans and everyone’s eyes on me, I groaned and lifted the soft sheet over my head.

  Before that had been Alec and her in the limo.

  Before that had been champagne and dancing.

  And before that had been Alec. In the cloakroom. Kissing me.

  As that particular memory assaulted me, I threw the covers off and sat bolt upright in bed.

  Alec had kissed me!

  I’d let him. I enjoyed it. I wanted more. What the fuck was wrong with me? My chest tightened, all the awful feelings from the previous night returning and riding another wave of nausea.

  I was an awful, selfish, treacherous harlot.

  And Alec was a man-whore. Who kisses a girl and then does that in the back of a car with another girl on the same night? Dirty car sex is dirty car sex—I don’t care how fancy the car happens to be.

  I couldn’t think about any of this clearly; the pounding in my head wouldn’t stop. And I was too guilty and angry and hurt. And just so damn confused.

  I groaned and dropped my throbbing head into my hands.

  The door opened, softly scraping the carpet under it.

  “Look who’s up!” Ethan was way too loud. “Hey, drunky.”

  The mirth in his voice made my stomach knot. Did he know what Alec and I had done in the cloakroom? Is that why he was enjoying seeing me in pain?

  I snapped my eyes open to look at him, ignoring the stabbing in my head, but he didn’t seem upset. He was smiling at me with his trademark dimpled smile, nothing but affection in his eyes.

  It made me feel like shit.

  “I feel like shit.” Apparently the filter between my brain and my mouth was still flimsy.

  “Yeah, I bet. Hopefully this will help.” He lifted his arms, a paper bag in one hand and a tray with coffee in the other. He made his way over me, awkwardly stepping over something on the ground.

  I leaned over the edge of the bed to see what it was; a pillow and blankets were lying there in a heap. “You slept on the floor?”

  “Yeah.” He sat down on the edge of the mattress and handed me the coffees. He was dressed in shorts and a tank top, a light sheen of sweat covering his forehead. He had been for a run. “Dot and Charlie might know our secret, but my uncle stayed here last night too. It would have been weird if we didn’t sleep in the same room. But I wasn’t going to take advantage of a crying drunk girl. Even if we are in a pretend relationship.”

  He fixed me with a rare serious look. The intensity of it surprised me.

  “Pretend . . .” I let the word hang in the air. We may have been forced to pretend for the outside world, but we both knew there was something between us.

  And I’d just ruined it by kissing his cousin!

  To cover the guilty look on my face, I took a sip of the coffee. The latte was good, and a genuine smile of pleasure crossed my features. “Yum.”

  He beamed at me, opening the paper bag. The smell of bacon made me realize how desperate my empty stomach was for food. “Bacon and egg bagels. Dig in, my drunk little bagel.”

  I snatched the bagel out of his hand and ripped into it with a satisfied moan.

  Ethan chuckled as he bit into his own. “God, I love feeding you.”

  I looked away, suddenly self-conscious. “Thanks?”

  He ignored my awkwardness and finished his breakfast in three big bites. “I’m going to grab a shower. We’re leaving in half an hour, so you might want to think about getting dressed.” He casually leaned forward to wipe a stray crumb off my cheek, planted a kiss on the top of my head, and headed toward the door.

  “Ethan.”

  At the sound of my voice, he stopped.

  I took a deep breath. I still hadn’t had a chance to unravel my thoughts and feelings, but there was no way I could keep the events of last night from any of them.

  “About last night. I’
m sorry . . .” I didn’t know how to finish the sentence. I’m sorry I kissed your cousin? I’m sorry I’m such a mess? I’m sorry I’m a failure at being a Vital and a pretend, but not-really-pretend, girlfriend?

  “Don’t worry about it, bagel baby. It happens to the best of us. And you didn’t do anything that embarrassing.” He gave me a reassuring smile and walked out of the room.

  I sighed and took another bite of the delicious bagel I didn’t deserve. It was probably better to tell them all at once anyway.

  Lucian had left for the airport by the time I dragged my aching body out of bed, so I didn’t get to see him again. I had no memory of getting back to the apartment the night before, and I had almost no chance to check it out before we made our exit, so even as we pulled out of the parking garage, I still had no idea what it really looked like.

  The seven of us were driven back to Bradford Hills in the same limo, and I made sure to sit as far away as I could from the end where we’d caught Alec mid-coitus the previous night. He was back to his brooding self, the glimpse of a relaxed nature from last night gone.

  And he was back to ignoring me.

  The drive back was subdued. I wasn’t the only one with a hangover. Dot, Josh, and Tyler were all quiet and looked about as fresh as I felt. Tyler spent most of the ride tapping away at his phone, and Josh produced a book.

  I chanced a look at Alec, not sure what I was even looking for. Some kind of acknowledgment of what we’d done? Some semblance of caring about the people we’d hurt?

  He was staring out the window, sitting in the same spot where he’d had his encounter with Dana last night. The images of his hands all over her assaulted my mind again, and I couldn’t help the disgusted expression that came over my face.

  He looked up just in time to see it, our gazes locking across the car, and his eyes narrowed. Was he pissed off at me?

  Then, before I could be sure I’d seen it, a hurt look crossed his features, and he turned away, back to the city zipping past.