If You Leave

by Courtney Cole

  her?”

  Pax glances at Maddy.

  “Madelyn Susanna Tate,” he announces proudly. “After you and my mom.”

  Maddy goes completely still, her mouth dropping open in shock. “You’re naming her after me?” she whispers. Pax grins.

  “Who else would we name her after? There aren’t that many derivatives of Pax.”

  Maddy grins widely and then turns to the baby again, talking to her through the glass.

  “Listen up, Mad. You and I are going to stick together. I’m going to buy you so many pairs of shoes that your daddy will have to build a new house just to store them in. Yes, I know… that’s a lot. But you’re worth it.”

  I shake my head at Pax.

  “I feel for you, dude,” I tell him. “She’s probably not exaggerating.”

  “Oh, I know she’s not,” Pax sighs. “But that’s OK. My girls have me wrapped around their little fingers already. I’m man enough to admit it.”

  I can’t help but grin at this. But I’ll never fault him for it. I have a weakness too. I glance at Maddy again and decide that if I’m going to have a weakness, I’m glad it’s a beautiful one.

  “Madison, we should tell your sister goodbye so that she can rest,” I suggest to her gently. “We can come back tomorrow. And we can even bring shoes for Madelyn, if you want.”

  “Oh, I want,” she says firmly. She blows a kiss to the baby and we make our way back to Mila’s room.

  “We’ll be back tomorrow, Sis.” Maddy kisses Mila on the cheek. “Don’t ever scare me like that again,” she adds sternly. Mila smiles the gentle tired smile of a new mom, promising that she won’t. Not ever.

  And with that, we duck from the room.

  As we drive home, I pick up Madison’s hand.

  “Are you OK?” I ask her solemnly. “That was intense.”

  She stares at me.

  “That was intense,” she agrees. ”I thought I was going to have a heart attack. First there was all that blood, and then Mila passed out. I didn’t know what to do. She died, Gabe. I still can’t believe it. But having you there in that waiting room with me… you make everything all right, Gabe.”

  I feel choked up by her words, by the strength with which she handles everything in life. By the trust she puts in me.

  As I put the car in park in the driveway, I kiss her forehead.

  “I’m proud of you,” I tell her quietly. “Really. You think I’m the strongest person you know, but really, it’s you. You’re stronger than all of us.”

  She rolls her eyes, but falls silent as we go inside.

  We eat dinner in thoughtful silence, then sit for a little while in the living room, still quiet as Maddy lies on my lap. “We should go over to Pax and Mila’s house and clean up all that blood,” she tells me. “I know Pax will be staying with Mila tonight.”

  I nod.

  “We will. But we’ll do it tomorrow. You’re tired tonight.”

  She nods and she’s shivering from cold and from the shock of what happened, so I suggest a hot shower. She stays in there for half an hour.

  When she finally comes out, I hold out a towel for her and envelop her in it, pulling her into my arms as I dry her off.

  She still doesn’t say anything and is even quieter after we collapse into bed.

  “What is it?” I finally ask her, because the silence is killing me.

  She sighs in the dark.

  “It’s just that I know how fast everything can end. My parents were gone in an instant and tonight it seemed like Mila could slip away too. And in that one instant, my heart would be broken forever, I know that—because I’ve been through it before. Hearts are so fragile, Gabe.”

  She pauses as she stares at me. I’m not sure what she’s wanting me to say. But she doesn’t give me a chance to reply at all before she continues.

  “It reminded me of how fast I could lose you. Anything can happen and it scares the shit out of me. It scares me that you have that power over me.”

  She stops talking and stares at me. Her hands are shaking and I pick one up.

  “Maddy, you have that same power over me. It’s called loving someone. And yeah, it’s scary as hell. I hate knowing that loving you makes me weak… but it makes me strong too. Loving you makes me happy in a way that nothing else ever has, and that’s healthy, Madison. That’s healthier than anything else in the world. It heals a lot of shit. It’s even healing me and I’m fucked up. So before you over-think it and decide that loving me isn’t worth the fear of losing me, just remember how happy you are when we’re together. Fear is a choice, Maddy. But so is being happy.”

  “I know,” she admits quietly. “My head knows that. But my heart is scared because it knows that in a moment you could be gone. Everyone always seems to leave me, Gabe. My parents, Tony. Mila almost did. And if you leave… if you leave nothing will ever be OK again.”

  Her voice breaks and she cries, softly in the night, and it clenches my stomach into knots.

  “Maddy, I know why you’re scared. Anyone would be in your shoes. You’ve seen too much loss. But death is part of life and the fear of it can’t stop us from living. That’s something I learned in Afghanistan. Being ruled by fear is worse than never living at all. We’re going to be fine, Maddy. You’re not going to lose me, not until we’re old and gray and tired. I love you.”

  She is quiet and still as she huddles against me, her slender hands holding tight to mine.

  “Then let’s make this work, no matter what. Promise me, Gabe. I know there’s shit to work through. But we can do it. Because all that really matters is you and me.”

  Her voice is thin and anxious and I run my hands along her face, dropping them to stroke her shoulder. She trembles beneath my fingers and I hug her close. I know how much it took for her to say that, for her to commit to trying something long-term with me. It just confirms everything I’ve always known about her.

  The girl has balls.

  “Madison, everything is going to be fine,” I tell her firmly. “Now that I’m back, you’re stuck with me. I’m never going to leave you. Please don’t worry. There’s nothing to be afraid of anymore.”

  I can feel her smile against my chest. And then she burrows even more tightly into me. I rest my hands on her side and stare down at her in the dark.

  She sniffs. “The only thing I’m afraid of is losing you.”

  “That’s not going to happen,” I answer her firmly, ignoring the ache in my chest at her words. “That’s never going to happen.”

  I hold her until she goes to sleep, then I continue to hold her as long as I dare stay in the bed. When I finally know that I can’t hold my eyes open anymore, I carefully slip away to the chair.

  The chair is cold and it seems like a thousand miles away from Maddy, but I’m still here with her. That’s the important thing.

  I close my eyes.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Madison

  I pull up to Pax and Mila’s home and sit in the drive for a minute, simply enjoying the chirp of the summer crickets and the soft rustling of the breeze coming off the water. After the baby’s emergency delivery, I thought it would take a while for life to get back to normal, but that hasn’t been true.

  Pax and Mila brought the baby home from the hospital a few days ago and everything has been fine. Mila has completely recovered, the baby is healthy and strong. We’re all more resilient than I ever would have thought.

  After I jog up the steps and poke my head in the door, I immediately hear the baby wailing and Pax shouting to Mila.

  “I don’t know what to do! She puked everywhere!”

  I giggle and walk on in, taking the baby from Pax as he looks at me in relief.

  “Mila’s in the shower,” he tells me sheepishly. “I just changed the baby, but I didn’t do it right. Her diaper fell off and then she threw up.”

  I lay the baby down and refasten the Velcro tabs on her diaper, then strip off her little shirt.

  �
�You almost had it,” I tell him. “It just wasn’t tight enough. You’ll get it.”

  He hands me a clean shirt and I slide it onto the baby, then cradle her in my arms. Pax doesn’t even bother holding out his hands for her, because he knows that while I’m here, I’m not giving her up. I hold her close and inhale the sweet baby smell, breathing deeply.

  “Ahhh. I love that,” I sigh. “It’s the best smell in the world, aside from rain.”

  “Agreed,” Pax says as he settles into a chair in the living room and closes his eyes. “I’m so fricking tired, Mad. Your niece was up a lot last night.”

  I shake my head, taking in his exhausted face. “Go ahead and rest. I’ll watch the baby till Mila gets out.”

  “You’re the best,” he breathes, settling in for a nap.

  I leap from my seat and hug Pax tightly, wrapping my arms around his neck.

  “No, you are,” I whisper to him. “You really are. Thank you for taking such good care of my sister.”

  “I don’t know where that came from, but you’re welcome.” He pats my back and as he does, Mila comes in, toweling off her hair.

  “Geesh, guys. Get a room.” She rolls her eyes, then grins at me. “Did you come to babysit so I can take a nap?”

  The hopeful tone in her voice makes me laugh. “I came to tell you something, but sure, I can stay for a while to watch the baby.”

  Mila looks curious. “What do you want to tell me?”

  I motion to the sofa. “Can you sit?”

  Mila looks worried, but does as I ask. When we’re facing each other, I pick up her hands.

  “Mi, I know that after Mom and Dad died, we couldn’t bring ourselves to give up the Hill. I came home to run it and I think I’ve done a pretty good job.” I pause and she nods, hesitant. Pax looks knowing, like he’s guessed what I’m going to say.

  “But I can’t do it anymore, Mila. I feel like I’m living someone else’s life. Even though I completely renovated the cottage, it still feels like I’ve stepped into Mom and Dad’s life and taken it over. I’ve got to have my own. Do you understand?”

  She nods slowly. “I do. I definitely do. But what are you saying? What do you want to do?”

  I take a deep breath. “I want to sell the Hill. And I want to sell the cottage. I’m thinking… and I know this might seem crazy, but I think I might want to move to Hartford and open up a restaurant there. It turns out that I’m pretty good at running one. But I just can’t do it here. There’s too many memories… Dad, Mom, Tony. I just… I can’t. Do you hate me?”

  Mila throws her arms around my neck, practically smothering me. “Of course not! You’re going to move to Hartford with us? You’d do that? Oh my God. I’m so glad. I would’ve missed you so much.”

  My eyes well up. “I know. I just need a fresh start. A new life. But I don’t want to do that too far away from you.”

  She sniffles and I sniffle and Pax throws his arms around both of us, smashing us both together.

  “Everything’s gonna be all right, Maddy,” Mila tells me, tearfully. But they’re happy tears now, thank God. “It really is.”

  I nod. “I know. I really think it is.”

  Pax finally lets go of us and they stand up.

  “Are you sure you don’t mind watching Madelyn for a bit?” Mila asks, covering up a yawn.

  I shake my head. “Of course not. I’m going to be her favorite aunt.”

  “You’re her only aunt,” Pax points out. But the effect is lost because he yells it over his shoulder as they practically sprint to their bedroom to nap.

  I have to chuckle at that. I’ve always heard stories of sleep-deprived parents, but having seen it firsthand, I know how desperate they are for sleep.

  Madelyn actually falls asleep shortly after they do, which I find ironic. I hold her for a long time as she naps, just breathing in her sweet baby smell, and pondering everything that’s happened over the past couple of weeks.

  I miss Tony. I miss him every day. But Maria is doing OK and Sophia went back to school. They’re doing as well as they can, and time will continue to heal them. And the rest of us.

  Maybe everything really will be OK.

  * * *

  On a warm summer evening, I come home from meeting with a realtor about selling the Hill to find Gabe sitting at the dining room table, a piece of paper in his hands and a strange look on his face.

  “What?” I ask curiously. “What’s wrong?”

  He looks at me. “Do you remember me telling you that when I was in CPT, I wrote a letter to Ara Sahar’s parents? It was the therapist’s idea and I went along with it. I didn’t really expect much to come out of it because hell—I didn’t even know if her parents were still alive. But the army had it translated into Arabic and they located her parents. They answered me.” He holds up the paper.

  I can’t read his face, it’s entirely expressionless.

  “Can I see it?” I ask hesitantly, almost afraid to look.

  He nods, handing it to me, and I glance down at the wrinkled letter.

  Dear Lieutenant Vincent,

  Thank you very much for your recent letter.

  At first I did not know how to respond because our hearts have been so very broken, into a million tiny pieces. But you are a soldier who came here to help people like me and children like Ara, and so I thought you must surely deserve an answer.

  Even though putting this pen to this paper hurts my heart, there are several things you should know.

  You should know that it wasn’t your fault that my Ara was taken. My country has been torn apart by terrible things, evil things, none of which are your fault or your making. Each day, I would wake, afraid that that day would be the day when something would hurt Ara. Now that it is finally done, I no longer must worry. Nothing can harm her anymore. She’s in Allah’s arms now, safe and warm.

  You should know that even in the midst of terrible evil, good flourishes, even still. You are good. You rose above the evil here and fought hard for good. Ara knew that. She used to watch the US soldiers pass and she would say to me, “They’re here to protect us, Mama.” She saw that in you. She saw that in all of you.

  Lieutenant Vincent, you should know that you did not take my daughter from me. Even the evil here did not take her from me because she is not really gone. She is still my daughter and I am still her mama. Love is deathless, you see. And one day, I will be with her again. I will breathe in her hair and her sweet smell and she will smile at me and then I will be whole again. Someday.

  Lieutenant Vincent, you should know that Ara does not blame you. I know that with every breath that is left in me. That is not who my daughter was, that is not who she is. She would wish you nothing but peace. Please do not weep for her. Ara is with angels. I think she is watching over you now, just as you watched over her when you were here. Even if you didn’t know it, or her, you fought for her.

  She knew that.

  Lieutenant Vincent, you should know that you cannot hate yourself any longer. It was not your fault. You must forgive yourself.

  Lieutenant Vincent, you should know that I have forgiven you.

  May peace be upon you,

  Pashka Sahar

  My breath freezes in my throat as tears fall down my cheeks.

  She doesn’t blame Gabriel. Even through her veil of overwhelming grief, she has forgiven him.

  In my head I picture a little Afghan girl and her grieving mother and all I can do is sit and marvel at Pashka Sahar’s beautiful spirit amid all the ugliness around her. I read her words again and my heart breaks a little bit more with every word.

  “She forgives you, Gabe,” I tell him softly. “Now you have to forgive yourself. It’s time.”

  Gabe opens his mouth to speak, then closes it and lowers his head onto his arms on the table.

  Then he weeps.

  After everything we’ve been through, I’ve never seen Gabriel cry.

  It breaks my heart and everything from the past few months seems
to crash down around us as I pad across the floor and pull him into my arms and onto the floor with me. I cradle him in my lap and let him cry.

  I know it’s not just the letter that he is crying over. It’s everything. It’s Ara Sahar, it’s Mad Dog, it’s his old life that he has lost, it’s the heavy guilt that he has carried. It’s all of it.

  It’s everything that he has never let himself properly grieve for.