by Cathy Quinn
“They tell me they’ve got four children already and ask if I’d like to be their stepmother.”
His lips curved in a smile, but he didn’t look up at her. He was still looking at the children, his arms around his knees. “You mean I was your test subject?”
“Yep. You’ll be pleased to know that my strategy is now being revised in view of the catastrophic results. Hope you feel properly honored.” She rubbed her temples and sat down on the floor again. Being serious always gave her a headache. Now would be a good time a laugh or two. “Can we stop being serious now? It doesn’t become me. I’m more in my element as an airhead blonde.”
Robert smiled at her. “Okay.” Then he unexpectedly reached out and squeezed her hand. “Thanks for telling me all this.”
David was helpful enough to demand his uncle’s attention and intervene in what was for Linda an awkward moment. She wasn’t used to sharing her personal history and feelings, except in a superficial, humorous way and Robert had somehow managed to deflect her attempts at trivializing things.
She was feeling all too exposed.
“He’s almost walking,” she commented as David used his uncle’s knee as leverage to get to his feet. He stood there wobbling, cheerfully waving his duck, while holding on to Robert’s knee with his other hand.
“Yes. He’s doing fine.”
“Will he be okay?”
“I think so. He’s very determined. Things just happen a bit more slowly for him.” He ruffled his nephew’s fine blonde hair and made a funny face at him. “I think he’ll be fine. He’ll catch up slow and easy while the rest of them are busy getting into trouble.”
Alexander ran straight into Robert who grabbed him and at the same time somehow managed to ensure that David had an easy fall to his diapered bottom. Alexander squealed as his uncle held him upside down and tickled his tummy.
“You stink, buddy,” he accused and imprisoned the squirming child in his lap. He stretched until he could reach the diaper bag and then he began unfastening the child’s overalls.
Linda inched away, then got to her feet and backed even further off, but it just had the effect of drawing Robert’s attention to her. He looked up and grinned. “Right. You were going to try out all the baby stuff, weren’t you? Making sure you’ll never want to do this on your own kids and all that? That’s why we’re here. Do you know how to change a diaper, or shall I show you first?”
“Do I know how to change a diaper?” she squeaked, but had to admit that the prospect of changing a diaper sounded hell of a lot easier than going through their little “talk” had been. “That's not the question. The question is, why would I want acquire that particular skill? Isn’t watching you do it quite enough? And if he stinks, shouldn't you be wearing rubber gloves and a clothes pin on your nose?”
Robert rolled his eyes as he set to work. “Watch and learn.” The dirty diaper was off in no time and safely tucked away, wet-wipes and lotion and powder were everywhere, and then the kid was up and running again, fresh diaper, overalls and everything.
Linda stared after the child. “I’d like to see a replay in slow motion. Are you sure you've only been doing this for a few days?”
He smiled and her stomach took another one of those interesting dips. “I just do what needs to be done without whining about it for an hour first.”
“You’re not insinuating that I’m a procrastinator, are you?”
His eyes were sparkling with glee. “This was your idea. If you really want to get a proper test run of mothering, you’re going to have to face the dirty diapers. There are thousands of them in a mother’s life.”
She swallowed. “Okay. I’ll get the next one.” Or the one after that. Or...
“Good. Here comes the next one.”
Another child was already in his arms and he was reaching for another diaper. Oh, God.
“Isn’t it about time they are toilet-trained?” She shut her mouth as she heard the desperation in her own voice.
Robert laughed. “Want to give that a try? I’m game if you are. They probably learn by trial and error.”
For half a second Linda pondered her options, then sank down on the floor and grabbed the kid and the diaper. “Okay. I’m doing it. Now, don’t scream if I do something wrong.”
“I won’t. But Brenda definitely will.”
Brenda did not cooperate. Suddenly it seemed she had twelve arms and legs, and as soon as her clothes and the diaper was off, she rolled over to her stomach and tried to make a getaway. Linda grabbed onto two chubby calves and the prisoner objected at the top of her considerable voice. Working fast, for the sake of everybody’s eardrums, she imitated Robert’s move with the wipes, grabbed a diaper, opened it, slapped it on the child’s bottom and fastened the sticky tape on each side. She yanked the overalls back on, let go of the screaming child and breathed out.
Not bad. In fact, pretty darned good. Not only had she succeeded in turning one soiled kid into one clean kid, but she’d held her breath from the moment the first diaper went off and the second came on. It hadn’t been a yucky one, but she had a feeling she’d need the practice for later motherhood exercises.
Robert was looking at her, smiling. What was that about? He was supposed to admire her handiwork. “There. That went okay. Right?” She stood and poked his side with her foot. “Hey, Bob, did you see? I did it. I did baby stuff. All by myself too. Praise me.”
“I’m impressed,” he said. “Really, I am. Of course, if you’d checked first you’d have seen that her diaper was still dry. But still, it counts. You’ve earned that reward you wanted.”
“What reward was that?”
He was still sitting cross-legged on the floor, grinning up at her with a devilish expression. “How quickly they forget. My body, remember?” He circled her ankle with his hand and her knees immediately signaled an urgent need to sit down. “Want to come down here and tell me all about the wicked plans you have for me?”
Linda folded her arms on her chest and slowly shook her head, ignoring the sudden frantic flutter of her heart. “You’re an incorrigible flirt, Bob. How could I ever have thought you were a shy geek?”
“My glasses. They’re the perfect cover. First you lull the victim into a false sense of security, then you go for the jugular. You don’t think Clark Kent really wore his as a disguise, do you? He knew exactly what he was doing.”
“Speaking of your glasses, Superman, how about we get you contact lenses?”
His eyebrows sank and his glare could have contributed to the making of the Sahara. He even let go of her ankle. Darn. “Sure. Can I stick my finger in your eye too?”
She sighed. “You’ve got such gorgeous eyes. It’s a crime to hide them. Have you ever even tried contacts?”
He grinned. “I like it when you call me gorgeous. It gives me a tentative hope you won’t run away the next time I try to kiss you.”
Oooh. Return of the butterflies.
“You’d look even more gorgeous with contacts.”
He sighed. He almost pouted, he had just interrogated her about some of the most personal things in her life, and he still managed to look so cute she wanted to dive to the floor and claim her prize. Lord, she was in trouble.
“We haven’t even kissed yet and already you’re trying to run my life. You know, our married buddies warn us bachelors about women like you.”
“Do they?”
“Yes.”
She waited. Then she bit. “And what do they say?”
“Come down here and I’ll tell you.”
“No way, buster. I don’t trust you. You’ve got a glint in your eyes that our married girlfriends warn us bachelorettes about, and we’ve got four minors in the room.”
A crisis involving two children, a stuffed clown, one window and a whole lot of vocal exercises postponed the issue. For now.
It did not dissolve the butterflies.
Linda estimated that about two days had passed in baby-time, which in normal-time meant
it was already afternoon by the time the kids had been played with, diapered, fed and she could get around to her promised weekly visit to Ellen's grandmother. This time she would be bringing a few surprises.
“Remind me. How did you talk me into taking four babies for a visit to a retirement home?” Robert had opened his car door, but he wasn’t getting out. He was just sitting there, both hands clutching the steering wheel, looking like he wished he was somewhere else. Like in orbit around Saturn. “Why don’t we take turns?” he suggested, twisting his head to look hopefully at her. “There’s a playground just around the corner. I watch the kids while you visit Nora, then you watch them while I visit Dad?”
“Don’t be silly.” Linda had already disentangled her two charges from their seats in her own car, and was being pulled in two opposite directions by the determined pink-bowed tykes. “We can introduce your father and Nora. Nora will love meeting the kids and your father will be thrilled to see his grandchildren. Could this be any better? It’s perfect.”
“Linda, over the past few weeks I’ve noticed that your idea of perfect tends to approximate what most people would label nuts.”
Linda steered the two toddlers in the direction of their uncle. “Sit with Uncle Bob the pessimist, girls. Make him smile while I release the two hostages in his backseat. See if you can dissolve the superglue binding his hands to the wheel.”
Despite David’s energetic attempts to manually adjust his uncle’s facial features, Robert wasn’t looking any happier by the time they had navigated the twists and turns of the convoluted building and had made it to Nora’s floor. They were stopped several times by people admiring the kids, and it was close to half an hour until they were knocking on Nora’s door.
“You’re so uptight, Bob” she whispered. “Relax! After all, what’s the worst thing that can happen?”
“Are you sure you want to know?”
She bit her lip and grinned. “Déjà vu. I get it.” She knocked on the door again, but there was no reply.
“Maybe she’s in one of the common rooms?” Robert suggested.
A nurse walked briskly by and stopped short upon seeing them. Or maybe it was the fact that they were blocking the hallway. “Quadruplets? You must be Mr. Rogers son and daughter-in-law,” she said with a smile.
“I hear the kids already have quite a reputation.” Linda said, scooping Brenda up as she was about to pinch the woman’s calf. “Everybody we met on our way up knew who they were.”
“Oh, yes, we’ve heard about them. Visiting Nora? If she isn’t answering, just go on in.” The nurse squeezed past them. “She might not hear you if she’s wearing her headphones. She’s into seventies disco these days.”
Prepared for the image of Nora sitting in her rocker, beating out a rhythm with her foot, Linda turned the handle and pushed the door slightly open, then rapped hard on the door again.
“Nora?”
“What? Oh, yes, come on in.”
Nora was sitting on her two-seat sofa in the spacious room, a thin silver haired gentleman by her side.
“Dad?”
“Bobby!”
Robert groaned. “Don't call me that.”
“What? He gets to call you Bob?” Linda asked with a huge grin. “He gets to call you Bobby?”
“I believe in baby steps,” Robert said between clenched teeth. “He had almost stopped referring to me as Kid One when I turned twenty. Now, he is calling me Robert about half of the time. By the time we're his age, perhaps you will have reached that stage.”
“Careful, Bobby, I could take that as a proposal of a long-term commitment,” she teased.
Nora cackled. “See the sparks between the young ones, Andrew? They nearly put us to shame.” She winked. “But only nearly.”
“Bobby, meet your future stepmother,” his father said, holding out Nora’s hand. Indeed, there was a ring on her thin and trembling finger, with a small but gleaming ruby.
Linda grabbed Robert’s elbow as he was suddenly a dead weight against her. “You're not about to faint, are you?” she asked, relieving him of David just in case. He did look a bit white.
“I don't faint,” he muttered and grabbed David back. He seemed to need something to cling to. “I didn't even know you two knew each other.”
The aging lovebirds look at each other with a blissful smile. “We didn't, son. Not until last weekend. Then we were delighted to discover we had you in common.”
“I told him all about the wedding,” Nora added. “How pretty those monkeys looked.”
“They’re apes, not monkeys,” Robert said faintly. “Last weekend? And you’re engaged?”
“Love at first sight, son,” Mr. Rogers said on a cackle and a wink. He patted his knees. “Come here, kids. Those are our grandchildren, Nora. There are four of them, two boys and two girls. I’m not quite sure which is which. It’s been a while since I’ve seen them.”
Nora watched the Quad speed around the room, her eyes alight. “Lord it's been long since I had this many kids around me. Makes me feel twenty years younger.”
Andrew looked between Robert and Alexander who was climbing into his lap. “Am I losing my mind? Wasn’t it my other son who had all the babies?”
“Yes, Dad. Eric is out of town. I’m babysitting.”
He peered at Linda. “You’re babysitting his wife too?”
Robert sighed. “Holly is out of town too. This is Linda. A friend. She’s helping me out with the kids.”
“About time you hooked up with someone.”
“She’s a friend,” Robert repeated.
Andrew winked at Linda. “Sure she is.” He stood up and held out his hand to help Nora to her feet. “Let’s get out into the living room and brag about all our grandchildren to the rest of the gang.”
The kids were a hit. The hour they spent at the retirement home were the calmest time of this ordeal so far. Twenty elderly people and a few staff members as well, were ohing and ahing over the children, ready to cater to their every whim.
“We should come here every day,” Linda whispered to Robert. “This is so easy. They even fought over who got to change a diaper.” She pointed around the room. “See, there are at least three sweaters being knitted. I love this place. Do you suppose they have a room available? They probably have, if your father is moving in with Nora.”
Robert jumped to his feet. “Oh, God.” He leant forward and grabbed Brenda as she zipped past. “Let’s get your jackets on, kids. I need fresh air.”
Robert’s cell phone rang as they were back at the house, offloading the children from the cars. It was Holly.
“Holly, hi. Just a minute, I need to get the kids safe.” He paused outside the gate, and Linda gestured to him, offering to relieve him of David and Alexander. Robert nodded in thanks and concentrated on his phone call once the children were all inside the fence.
“Are the kids okay?” his sister-in-law asked. “Any problems?”
“No, we’re doing fine. How are you?”
“I miss them. You’ll kiss them from me and tell them mommy and daddy will be home soon?”
“Sure. Did you find Eric yet?”
“No. That’s why I’m calling.” She sighed. “It turns out I’m in the wrong state.”
“The wrong state?”
“Yes. If you believe it there are motels called The Blue Unicorn both in Maine and New Hampshire. I went north and am still in Maine, but I should have gone east.” She sighed again. “Robert, I’m so sorry about all this, but could you possibly keep the kids until Friday? That should give me enough time to get to that other place and back.” She sniffed. “If I haven’t found him by then, I give up.”
“Holly... don’t cry... of course I’ll help. But I really can’t take off more time than this week.”
“That’s enough,” Holly said. “I’ll probably be home Friday.” She paused. “And the kids are okay? They’re not sick or crying all the time or anything?”
“They’re doing fine, Holl
y, don’t worry about them. I have a friend helping me out and we’re staying at her house so there’s plenty of room.”
“Her house?” Holly sounded a lot more cheerful all of a sudden. “Who is she? A girlfriend? Is it serious?” He didn’t get a chance to answer before she continued. “Of course it’s serious, a woman wouldn’t help you with all the kids unless she was crazy about you. This is great. What’s her name?”
“Never mind that, Holly.”
“Come on, tell me her name. Is she cute? Does her smile make you break out in sweat? Does the sight of her make your heart beat faster? Does she want quadruplets of her own, only with your green eyes?”
“No, she definitely doesn’t want quadruplets. Now shut up, Holly.” Holly’s laughter sounded through the phone and Robert turned his back abruptly when he accidentally met Linda’s questioning gaze. No, this one did not want to have any green-eyed babies, but he had to admit, the answers to all the other questions were a resounding yes. “Just find my idiot of a brother and get him home.”
“I will. And I feel much better knowing you’re in love. We owe you. Both of you. Bye.”
“I’m not in...” Robert started to protest, but Holly had already hung up.
“Was it your sister-in-law?” Linda asked as he hopped over the fence.
“Yes. Problems. She – or they, hopefully – might not be back until the weekend.”
“Oh.” Linda grimaced. “I have a flight on Friday evening and won’t be back until Monday.”
“Don’t worry, we’ll be okay if it comes to that.”
“I could see if I can change with someone,” she mused.
“I won’t let you do that, Linda. You’ve done enough already. Getting to work on Friday after a whole week of the Quad will be a holiday for you. Admit it, you’re exhausted and it’s only been one whole day.”
“I have my own agenda, remember? So far, it’s not working. My biological clock is still alive and ticking. I might need those extra days.”