by Cathy Quinn
“I’m glad it’s not working.”
She had to laugh at the defiance in his voice. “Thanks for being so supportive of my decision to help stem the overpopulation problem.”
He just smiled. “Shall we go feed our current percentage of the overpopulation? Then we can start putting them to bed, and this day will finally be over.”
Dinner was just as interesting as Robert had described in his fake invitation only three days ago.
Linda picked beans out of her hair and glared at David. “So that’s your plan, huh? To look all cute and innocent with your blue eyes and blonde hair, and then attack Aunt Linda when she least expects it?”
David laughed, his small face just as mischievous as his uncle’s could get. Almost as cute, too, in a cuddly-baby kind of way. He banged his own spoon on his plate. “Iiiida” he squealed. “Iiiiiiiiida.”
Robert twisted around from where he was piling food into one mouth with each hand. The kids were learning how to use their spoons, but not much actually got inside with them at the helm.
“Did you hear that?”
“Hear what?” She refilled the spoon and brought it to David’s mouth and with her free hand poured more milk into Christine’s cup.
“He said your name.”
“Iiiida,” David repeated and slapped away the spoon. Another nice stain was added to the faded old wallpaper, this one vaguely Australia-shaped. It almost fitted in with the pattern of what looked like big green rosebuds.
“That’s my name?” Linda’s heart melted. She even had to blink. “Really?”
“That’s the first word he’s ever said.”
“No? Really?” She scooped David out of the highchair and hugged him. “What a clever boy! Can you say Bob? Uncle Bob?”
“Linda!” Robert thundered.
“Ob,” David said and pointed at his uncle. “Ob.”
He groaned. “Robert. Please use Robert, David. Please. I’m the only uncle you’ve got, remember? You’ll need me if you want to get your quota of Christmas presents.”
David sucked his thumb and was deep in thought for a few moments. Then he removed the thumb and proclaimed: “Obo.”
“Thank you!” Robert pulled his nephew from Linda and tickled him. “You’re one brilliant kid, do you know that?”
“Ob.”
“No, Robert.”
“Obo.”
Robert hugged the child and returned him to his chair. “Would you mind if I brought Aphelion and Perihelion to visit?”
Linda almost choked on the bread she’d managed to butter during the two-minute luxury of only one child to feed. “Here? You want to bring the chimpanzees here? Now? With the Quad here?”
“Yes. Tomorrow. It's because of the children that I want them here. I'd like to see how they interact with them, how they talk and communicate, how they play together. I bet I could get some great video footage.”
What the hell. She was already in over her head. Things couldn’t really get any more chaotic. “Ready if you are. You don’t think they will trash the place? Isn’t there a reason they’re usually behind bars?”
Robert grinned. “I don’t think they could possibly do more damage than the Quad already has.”
Linda inspected the kitchen front and sighed. “Hey, we needed new wallpaper anyway. Do you know how to wallpaper?”
“Not yet. How hard can it be, sticking some paper to the walls? We'll learn.”
She liked that ‘we’. She liked it a lot. Apart from the fact that the house looked like a war zone after the victory party, and that she hadn’t dared so much as blink all day for fear that someone might get in trouble, family life was kind of cozy this time around.
A frown emerged on her face as she realized that despite a day that had seemed like a whole week, she still wasn't getting an irresistible urge to run to the doctor and beg him to put a roadblock in the path of those grimly determined eggs. That biological clock was built of sterner stuff than she’d have guessed.
Things were not going according to plan. But, well, her life never had. This time at least the scenery was interesting, and this temporary dad was a good sport about the mayhem that came with four children. She fetched a piece of broccoli that somehow had gotten stuck behind Robert’s glasses and he grabbed her wrist and yanked the vegetable out of her hand with his teeth before she could drop it to the table.
She grinned back at him and turned her attention back to David. Yeah, definitely interesting. Beans in her hair, ruined wallpaper and all, and the chimps hadn’t even joined the party yet.
Chapter 6
“It’s seven o’clock already. You let me sleep in.” Linda yawned and combed through her hair with her fingers. She twisted the tangled mess into a ponytail and knew she must look like a wreck. Her hairbrush had gone AWOL. Last she’d seen of it was in David’s hand, going “vrooooom!” across the kitchen floor. “It’s not fair. I fell asleep before the last of them did last night, and now they’re dressed, fed and looking very alert. You’ve probably been up for hours. Did you get any sleep at all?”
Robert was sitting cross-legged on the floor of the playroom, optimistically holding the morning paper. “Sure, I got a few hours. The first one didn’t wake up until half past five. They were accommodating enough to wake up at ten minutes intervals, so I was fine.”
“Sleep deprivation is one of the things I need to experience for my motherhood-stinks program,” she pointed out. “I’ll take the next nightshift.”
“We’ll see. And talking about stinks, there is an advanced class coming up. They really need a bath.”
“Sounds like fun.”
“I don’t know. You know how soap gets slippery in the tub?”
“Yes?”
“Well, I hear children are worse. One wrong move and you’ve got a kid with a concussion, a bump on his head the size of a football, and a very very bad temper.”
“Oh.”
“I don’t suppose you’ve got any of those anti-slip things for the bottom of the bathtub?”
“Actually, I believe there is something like that at the back of the towel cupboard. I don’t think it’s been used since Chris was a baby, but it’s huge, big enough for the tub.” She snapped her fingers. “And the best part is that the tub is big enough for all the kids.”
Robert’s gaze slid over the four children. “We’re going to bathe them all at once? Four children in one tub? Eight arms and eight legs? Four screaming mouths? Have you noticed the acoustics in there?”
“Why not? It’ll be easier for us, more fun for them. It’s perfect.”
Robert groaned. “I was afraid you’d use that word again.”
Bathing all the kids at once did simplify the matter somewhat, in that they were all confined in one space and couldn’t get away. The complicated part was that all four of them delighted in splashing as much as they possible could, and all of them erupted into a contagious panic attack if a drop of water got in their faces.
They did not understand the mutual exclusivity of those two needs.
“Maybe we should have just hosed them down,” Robert muttered as he struggled to wash Christine’s hair while she did her best to pull him down into the tub. “We could roll down the windows and just drive them through a carwash. There has to be a better way than this.”
“Their parents do this all the time,” Linda soothed him. “We’ll manage for a few days.”
“Their parents have daycare. And a nanny who helps every evening and all weekends.”
“Really? Why didn’t you stay at their house, then? They could have continued in daycare and the nanny would have been there to help.”
Robert let squeezed the sponge one last time over Christine’s head and then dropped it in the tub. He stared at Linda. “You know, that hadn’t even occurred to me. Of course. Why didn’t Holly think of that? She could have asked me to stay at their house.”
Linda shrugged. “You said she just dropped them off with no notice. Maybe she was afr
aid you’d refuse if you had time to think about it.”
Taking advantage of the adults’ distraction, Alexander reached out and before either of them could stop him he had turned on the shower. Water cascaded down in a beautiful arch. Not a single drop touched the Quad. The showerhead was misaligned in its slot so all of the water bypassed the tub and instead drenched the two adults kneeling in front of it.
Robert jumped up to turn the water off, in the process providing the children with a most valuable vocabulary lesson. He shook himself like a wet dog, spraying water in all directions.
Yummy. Ignoring her own soaked clothes, Linda scrubbed David’s back absently, while busy ogling his uncle’s front. Bob and a wet t-shirt. Did life get any better than that? She’d always thought men should be the ones to enter wet t-shirt contests, and this particular specimen really would make a fine contestant.
They’d have to do this again sometime, preferably alone. For some reason the thought had her chuckling, then the chuckles mutated into hysterical giggles. The situation went from bad to worse as he without hesitation, but with several additional not-fit-for-babies words, removed that drenched t-shirt and tossed it over the shower rack. Those silicone shoulder implants looked pretty darn impressive.
“What?” It was an irritated bark, but he failed to look threatening. Water trickled from his hair and down his torso, creating the most fascinating patterns as he yanked a towel from its holder. Even his eyelashes were wet as he squinted at her while drying his glasses with the huge pink Minnie Mouse bath towel.
“Nothing,” she wheezed and clenched her eyes shut, resting her head on the edge of the tub for a moment as she fought to get her breath back. She shouldn’t look at him at the moment. She really shouldn’t, because she knew she would just radiate voyeuristic fervor, and since her mouth tended to run on its own without interference from her brain, she’d just make a comment about his cute belly button. As it was, she was giggling like a silly teenager.
She sneaked a peek anyway and dissolved into giggles again. “Just that...” She hiccupped and tried again, but yet again her mouth changed topics without consulting her brain. “You know, this really is not how I would have pictured our first shower together.”
Their eyes met, and myopia or not, the heat of his gaze sobered Linda up the way a cold shower had not, but a high-pitched scream got them back to the business of babies in bathtubs. Princess Brenda had once again suffered the trauma of having an entire molecule of water touch her face.
“Hold that thought,” Robert muttered as he replaced his glasses and lifted the shrieking child out of the tub and wrapped her in a towel. “Definitely, hold that thought.”
It had only been two days, but already Mount Diaperest had shrunk to a pitiful pile. “We’re running out of diapers,” Linda called, David wrapped in a towel stuck to her hip as she bent down to retrieve one. She did a quick count. “Bob, it looks like we only have enough for today and then a bit. We have to buy some more diapers.”
Robert cursed. “I forgot to mention that to Holly. They’ve got half a garage full of diapers. I suppose I could go get them tonight or tomorrow morning. It’s only three hours round-trip.”
“We can just buy some at the store.”
“At least one of them was allergic to certain brands. I don’t want to take the risk.”
“Okay. You’ve got a key to their house?”
“Yes, I’ve got their spare one.”
She knelt down on the large blanket where Robert was dressing Alexander. The girls were already up and running. “What do we do now?” she asked. “Go get Aphelion and Perihelion?”
“If you’re still feeling brave enough.”
“I changed a yucky diaper. Twice. I can take on the world now.”
Linda dropped David to his feet inside the lab, and held onto both his hands. He took a few steps and seemed steady enough so she released one.
“I’ll introduce you to George,” she told him, as they walked towards the inner lab. She pushed the door open and helped David across the threshold. “He’s really nice and soft, a very friendly little mouse. You know, like Mickey? Only he doesn’t wear pants and his ears aren’t quite that big.”
“Linda, wait...” Robert herded the rest of the children inside. “I forgot to tell you...”
“Where are all the other mice?” Linda asked in surprise. Only one cage remained on the workbenches.
Robert bit his lip, glanced around to double-check if all the kids were safe and accounted for, and picked up Brenda in case he’d need a shield. Monday morning when he’d stopped in here for an hour, he’d been just in time to save George from going with the rest of the rats to the Eternal Maze in the Sky. He hadn’t had the heart. Or rather, he hadn’t wanted to break Linda’s heart.
“They’re somewhere else now,” he said vaguely. “No more work for them here. They won’t be back.”
“Why is George the only one left?”
Aw. How to explain without looking like a sentimental fool? He shifted his weight and adjusted the zipper on Brenda’s jacket to gain some moments to think. “Well—” he started, but was interrupted by one of her trademark squeals.
“You knew I wanted to say goodbye. That’s so sweet of you, Bob.” She hugged both him and Brenda in one crushing embrace. “I knew you understood. I really love that mouse.”
Damnit. “Well, anyway, you don’t have to say goodbye. He’ll be staying here. He’ll be our... mascot or something.”
He glowered at George, his brand-new mascot, who blinked back at him, looking unimpressed with his rescuer. It wasn’t hard to read the rat’s mind again: Sucker. That he was. He was an idiot. He had fallen for an impulsive blonde with blue eyes and a ponytail, who made a habit of discussing family planning before the first date. That was one thing, but now he’d really done it. For her he’d just turned his laboratory into a retirement home for an old and cranky rat that had more than once drawn blood. His blood. And who was getting all the kisses and cuddles?
Yup, the rat.
Life wasn’t fair.
Linda was gazing into the cage. “There’s something wrong with George.”
“Wrong?” Robert peered over her shoulder. “He looks fine. Why do you think there’s something wrong with him?”
“There’s definitely something wrong. He doesn’t look happy.”
“He doesn’t look happy? We can’t have that, can we?” Sarcasm was wasted on her. It just bounced right off and trudged back to him with its tail between its legs. He gave up. “I see. George’s unhappy. And how does he look when he is happy?”
“He moves around a lot more and he just has an happier expression.”
Robert made one round of the room to get everybody out of any potential trouble. “That animal doesn’t have facial expressions.”
“Of course he does. Just because you can’t see them doesn’t mean he doesn’t have them.”
Robert sighed. “What do you want me to do? Add Prozac to his diet? Hire some dancing clowns? Get him a girlfriend? Send him on a cruise?”
“He’s probably lonely now when all his friends are gone.”
“His friends?”
She wasn’t listening. “Let’s take him with us. Just until you come back to work. He can’t be left all alone here in this state.”
He resorted to practical arguments. Convincing her that the rat didn’t need socializing with humans every day of the week would just put him in the ‘bad guy’ box. “Linda, we can’t take him with us, even if we wanted to. We already need to hold six hands, and we’ve only got four between us.”
Reluctantly, Linda moved away from the cage with one last stroke of lucky George’s back. “You’re right. But couldn’t you come back for him? Tonight, when the kids are in bed?”
“We’ll see,” he muttered, then saw the look on her face. How could she do that to him, just with a look? He had to be certifiable. “Okay,” he heard himself say. “I’ll come back for him. Anything for your depres
sed rodent.” He herded the Quad back into the main lab. “Shall we see if we can get everybody over to the house in one piece?”
The kids were fascinated by the chimpanzees, but kept a respectable distance from behind the adult’s legs. At least nobody was panicking.
“How do we do this?” Linda asked nervously. Four children and two chimps. Six creatures to herd out to their cars. As Robert had pointed out, they only had four hands between them. The math did not look promising.
Robert helped Perihelion up on the counter, then let the ape climb onto his shoulders. “If you can carry Aphelion like this, we should make it to the cars in one piece,” he said with a wry smile. “Maybe this wasn’t such a brilliant idea after all.”
Aphelion easily climbed on Linda’s back. “Wow. You’re heavy, lady,” Linda muttered, David on her hip, Aphelion on her back and Brenda at her side trying to squirm away from the stranglehold she had on her hand. “Let’s get out of here, gang.” She looked back to Robert. “You promise we’ll come back for George later?”
“Promise.” He swore. “Perihelion, no!”
“See? This wouldn’t happen if you got contacts.”
Robert snatched his glasses back from the chimp who was curiously looking around at the new and distorted world. “Sure. I’d get a monkey finger in my eye as well.”
“Ape,” Linda corrected and headed out the door.
Half an hour and surprisingly enough, no major catastrophes later, everybody was again in the Playroom of Chaos. After an initial wary period, the children took to the chimps as any other playmates. Aphelion and Perihelion didn’t seem to mind much, even if they did get their fur pulled a bit – there were a lot of toys around those little beings. Even Copernicus had decided to give the children a reluctant second chance. He had climbed up on a shelf, out of reach for the children. There he sat silent, looking alert and suspicious as he stared at the strange new creatures. Linda grinned at him and flicked his tail with a finger. “Furry like cats, big like humans. They’re a puzzle, aren’t they?”