The Thing About Life is That One Day You'll Be Dead

by David Shields

  The first two weeks of summer, Renée and I went steady, but we broke up when I didn’t risk rescuing her in a game of Capture the Flag, so she wasn’t around for my 10th birthday. I begged my parents to let Ethan Saunders, Jim Morrow, Bradley Gamble, and me shoot baskets by ourselves all night at the court across the street. My mother and father reluctantly agreed, and my father swung by every few hours to make sure we were safe and bring more Coke, more birthday cake, more candy.

  Near midnight, Bradley and I were playing two-on-two against Jim and Ethan. The moon was falling. We had a lot of sugar in our blood, and all of us were totally zonked and totally wired. With the score tied at 18 in a game to 20, I took a very long shot from the deepest corner. Before the ball had even left my hand, Bradley said, “Way to hit.”

  I was a good shooter because it was the only thing I ever did, and I did it all the time, but even for me such a shot was doubtful. Still, Bradley knew and I knew and Jim and Ethan knew, too, and we knew the way we knew our own names or the batting averages of the Giants’ starting lineup or the lifelines in our palms. I felt it in my legs and up my spine, which arched as I fell back. My fingers tingled and my hand squeezed the night in joyful follow-through. We knew the shot was perfect: when we heard the ball (a birthday present from my father) whip through the net, we heard it as something we had already known for at least a second. What happened in that second during which we knew? Did the world stop? Did my soul ascend a couple of notches? What happens to ESP, to such keen eyesight? What did we have then, anyway, radar? When did we have to start working so hard to hear our own hearts?

  At the end of J. M. Coetzee’s novel Elizabeth Costello, the only thing the eponymous elderly protagonist can affirm is not love or art or religion but the sound of frogs, trapped in mud, belling with the cessation of torrential rain. Nietzsche: “There is more wisdom in your body than in your deepest philosophy.” Wittgenstein said, “Our only certainty is to act with the body.” Martha Graham: “The body never lies.” We are all thrillingly different animals, and we are all, in a sense, the same animal. The body—in its movement from swaddling to casket—can tell us everything we can possibly know about everything.

  Motherhood

  At the Alaska SeaLife Center, Aurora, a Giant Pacific female octopus, was introduced to J-1, a male octopus. They flashed colors and retreated to a dark corner of the center’s “Denizens of the Deep” display. A month later, Aurora laid thousands of eggs. Despite the fact that her eggs didn’t appear to develop and aquarists—the animals’ caretakers—believed the eggs were sterile, Aurora daily sucked in water through her mantle and sent cleansing waves over the eggs, defending them against hungry sea cucumbers and starfish. Even when aquarists, certain the eggs weren’t fertile, began draining her 3,600-gallon tank, Aurora sprayed her eggs, exposed and drying on rocks. Several eggs from Aurora hatched exactly 10 months after her encounter with J-1 (long since deceased); nine baby octopi received food through an electronic, automatic feeder in a rearing tank. Although Giant Pacific females usually die about the same time as their eggs hatch, mostly because they stop eating for months and spend their energy defending their eggs, aquarist Ed DeCastro said Aurora appeared invigorated and that “she was still tending the eggs.”

  In seventh grade, Natalie suddenly loved to criticize Laurie for getting a point of information wrong or having pieces of food caught between her teeth or chewing too loudly or, especially, talking while eating. These were, I now know, the opening fisticuffs of the apparently inexorable mother-daughter donnybrook that will dominate our house for the next several years.

  My father takes a variety of medications to combat anxiety, depression, and sleeplessness. Earlier this year, he and I visited his psychiatrist to make sure that he was taking them in the right combination. We had a few extra minutes at the end of the session, so I asked my father’s very Freudian psychiatrist why teenage daughters are so critical of their mothers. He said, “All that hormonal energy is coursing madly through a daughter’s body, and it becomes, for various reasons, anger at the mother. I think the daughter unconsciously senses the tremendous leverage the onset of her fertility gives her, which causes the family to start treating her with more deference. She’s the chance for the family to perpetuate itself. Her mother’s leaving this arena just as the daughter’s entering it. When they study this issue, disputes between mothers and daughters, not only does the father invariably side with the daughter”—I can’t remember my father ever doing this with my sister; my mother ruled the roost, regardless—“but so does everybody else. The genes are driving the family to protect the most fertile female. So a good deal of a girl’s anger at her mother has to do with the mixture of power she feels with the onset of fertility and the burden she feels at being the designated bearer of children.” My dad sat next to me, listening to this, nodding and mmmhuhing, elbowing me in the ribs at appropriate moments, proud of his shrink’s Olympian overview.

  The Actuarial Prime of Life, or Why Children Don’t Like Spicy Food

  Tolstoy, in his late 70s, said, “As I was at five, so I am now.” St. Ignatius Loyola said, “Give me the child until he is seven, and I will show you the man.” Wordsworth wrote, “The Child is father of the Man.” Is the father the father of the man as well? I suppose he must be.

  Aging begins immediately after the actuarial prime of life. In the United States and in most other developed countries, the actuarial prime of life is age 7. After you turn 7, your risk of dying doubles every eight years.

  By the time you’re 5, your head has attained 90 percent of its mature size. By age 7, your brain reaches 90 percent of its maximum weight; by 9, 95 percent; during adolescence, 100 percent. Two percent of total body weight and 60 percent fat, the brain receives 20 percent of the blood coming from the heart and consumes 20 percent of all the oxygen in the body.

  Between ages 5 and 10, your kidneys double in size to keep up with the increased metabolic wastes of the body. At ages 6 and 7, lymphoid tissues, which produce antibodies, reach a peak in size.

  A toddler’s stomach is the shape of a cow’s horn; at 9, it’s the shape of a fish hook; at 12, it’s the shape of a bagpipe and has achieved adult functional maturity.

  The average duration of a 6-to 10-year-old’s activity is six seconds for low-intensity activities and three seconds for high-intensity activities. “At ten,” Schopenhauer said, “Mercury is in the ascendant; at that age, a youth, like this planet, is characterized by extreme mobility within a narrow sphere, where trifles have a great effect upon him.” This is a perfect description of my father as he is and as he always has been: a perpetual 10-year-old.

  Growth from birth to adolescence occurs in two distinct patterns: the first, from birth to 2 years, is one of rapid but decelerating growth; the second, from 2 years to the onset of puberty, is one of more consistent annual increments. An average 1-year-old is 30 inches tall, a 2-year-old is 35 inches, a 4-year-old is 40 inches, and an 8-year-old is 50 inches. During the elementary school years, children’s growth slows to about two inches a year. Your height relative to your peers usually doesn’t change much after age 6, and the proportions of your weight tend to remain the same as well.

  Weight increase follows a similar curve. An infant doubles his or her birth weight by 5 months, triples it by 1 year, and quadruples it by 2 years. Between ages 2 and 5, you gain about the same amount of weight each year: four to five pounds. Between ages 6 and 10, your growth levels off—a lull between the rapid growth of early childhood and prepubescence. During these years, you gain about five to seven pounds per year.

  Between ages 6 and 11 your head appears to enlarge, and your facial features exhibit significant changes, because of the growth of your facial bones. Your face literally grows away or out from its skull.

  By age 5, the heart has quadrupled its birth size. At age 9, it’s six times its birth weight, and by puberty it’s almost ten times its birth weight. As the heart grows, it assumes a more vertical position within the
thoracic cavity. The diaphragm descends, allowing more room for both cardiac action and respiratory expansion.

  When you’re born, taste buds cover your mouth, with flavor sensors on the roof of your mouth, your throat, and the lateral surface of your tongue—which is why most very young children don’t like spicy food. The entire top of their oval cavity is covered with taste buds; for young children, tasting Tabasco sauce is an entirely different experience than it is for an adult. By the time you’re 10, most of these extra taste buds are gone.

  The ability to exactly duplicate foreign sounds disappears after age 12.

  Two to four years before puberty, most children have already attained 75 to 80 percent of their adult height and 50 percent of their adult weight. Just before the onset of puberty, the shaft and ends of your “long bones” (femur, tibia, fibula) fuse: the maturation of the skeletal system and that of the reproductive system are perfectly synchronized. What fearful symmetry to our mortal frame.

  Nobody knows what causes puberty to begin.

  Sex and Death (i)

  Every once in a while, an egg cell becomes activated while it’s still in the ovary and starts to develop all on its own. The result, in mammals, is a teratoma. (The sperm-forming cells of the testis also produce teratomas on occasion.) The egg divides and begins the early stages of embryogenesis seemingly normally, but it fails to complete the proper developmental sequence. The embryo forms a shapeless mass of cells containing a variety of different cell types and partly formed organs: bones, skin, bits of glands, and even hair.

  A teratoma can develop into a teratocarcinoma, a life-threatening cancer that will, when transplanted—in a lab experiment—from animal to animal of the same genetic strain, grow without limit until it kills its host. However, if some cells are taken from the teratocarcinoma of, for example, a mouse, and if these cancerous cells are then injected into an early-stage mouse embryo, the resulting animal will be entirely normal: the teratocarcinoma cells will be tamed by the developmental signals being produced in the early-stage embryo.

  In other words, cancer cells can behave very much like the cells of an early embryo. Many of the genes responsible for cancer late in life are intimately involved in the regulation of cell growth and differentiation early in life. The genes that have such devastating effects late in life when expressed in diseases such as Alzheimer’s seem to be identical to their early life form, when they serve a useful function. In a teratocarcinoma, the germ cells become a voracious parasite of the body. The balance is lost between the goals of the body (preserving health and life) and the goals of the germ cells (reproduction).

  For every cell, there’s a time to live and a time to die. Cells can die by injury or by suicide. The pattern of events in death by suicide is so orderly that the process is often called “programmed cell death,” which destroys cells that represent a threat to the integrity of the organism—for instance, cells infected with viruses, cells with DNA damage, or cancer cells. Dylan Thomas wrote (I love this line and my father abhors it),

  The force that through the green fuse drives the flower

  Drives my green age; that blasts the roots of trees

  Is my destroyer.

  Hoop Dream (ii)

  As members of the Borel Middle School Bobcats, we worked out in a tiny gym with loose buckets and slippery linoleum and butcher-paper posters exhorting us toward conquest. I remember late practices full of wind sprints and tipping drills. One day the coach said, “Okay, gang, let me show you how we’re gonna run picks for Dave.” My friends ran around the court, passing, cutting, and screening for me. All for me. Set-plays for me to shoot from the top of the circle or the left corner—my favorite spots. It felt like the whole world was weaving to protect me, then release me.

  That summer, my father had been fired from his job as publicity director for the Jewish Welfare Federation and accepted a much lower-paying job as director of the poverty program of San Mateo County. He sat in a one-room office without air-conditioning and called grocery stores, wanting to know why they didn’t honor food stamps; called restaurants, asking if, as the signs in the windows proclaimed, they were indeed equal opportunity employers. Sometimes, on weekends, he flew to Sacramento or Washington to request more money for his program. Watts rioted; Detroit burned. His constituents worshipped him. He said, “Please. I’m just doing my job.” They called him the Great White Hope and invited him to barbecues, weddings, softball games. At the softball games he outplayed everybody. The salary was $7,500 a year, but he was happy. The ghetto was his.

  After school I’d walk across town, leave my books in my father’s office, then go around the block to play basketball with black kids. I developed a double-pump jump shot, which among the eighth graders I went to school with was unheard of. Rather than shooting on the way up, I tucked my knees, hung in the air a second, pinwheeled the ball, then shot on the way down. My white friends hated my new move. It seemed tough, mannered, teenaged, vaguely Negro. The more I shot like this, the more my white friends disliked me, and the more they disliked me, the more I shot like this. At the year-end assembly, I was named “best athlete,” and my father said that when I went up to accept the trophy, I even walked like a jock. At the time, I took this as gentle mockery, although I realize now he meant it as the ultimate accolade.

  From kindergarten through eighth grade all I really did was play sports, think about sports, dream about sports. I learned to read by devouring mini-bios of jock stars. I learned math by computing players’ averages (and my own). At 12 I ran the 50-yard dash in six seconds, which caused kids from all over the city to come to my school and race me. During a five-on-five weave drill at a summer basketball camp, the director of the camp, a recently retired professional basketball player, got called over to watch how accurately I could throw passes behind my back; he said he could have used a point guard like me when he was playing, and he bumped me up out of my grade level. I remember once hitting a home run in the bottom of the 12th inning to win a Little League All-Star game, then coming home to lie down in my uniform in the hammock in our backyard, drink lemonade, eat sugar cookies, and measure my accomplishments against the fellows featured in the just-arrived issue of Sports Illustrated. Christ, I remember thinking, how could life possibly get any better than this?

  A little too often my father likes to quote the line “Backward, turn backward, O Time, in your flight, / Make me a child again just for to-night!” Here he is, turning backward: “School always excited me. Easy to understand why: I was a pretty good mixer, had few ‘bad’ days. I knew how to read when I entered first grade; my three older brothers, especially Phil, a columnist for the New York Sun, had seen to that. Learning how to spell was a never-ending source of delight and wonderment; it still is. And I did well after school on the running track and the softball diamond. I got a big charge out of competing against—and usually beating—my fellow students. Soon, I had friends who wanted to bask in my reflected glory.”

  When he was in his mid-20s, he attended an open tryout with the Brooklyn Dodgers and lasted all the way to the final round, when someone named Van Lingle Mungo hit every pitch my father threw—onto Bedford Avenue. Undeniably, I inherited my athletic genes from him. When Natalie assisted on the goal that won her soccer team the city championship, he crowed, “The Shields bloodline!”

  Bloodline to Star Power (i)

  My father’s birth certificate reads “Milton Shildcrout.” His military record says “Milton P. Schildcrout” (he had no middle name; he made it up). When he changed his name in 1946 to “Shields,” the petition listed both “Shildkrout” and “Shildkraut.” His brother Abe used “Shildkrout” his sister Fay’s maiden name was “Schildkraut.” Who cares? I do. I want to know whether I’m related to Joseph Schildkraut, who played Otto Frank in The Diary of Anne Frank and won an Academy Award in 1938 for his portrayal of Alfred Dreyfus in The Life of Emile Zola.

  I grew up under the distinct impression that it was simply true—the actor was my fa
ther’s cousin—but now my father is considerably more equivocal: “There is the possibility that we’re related,” he’ll say, “but I wouldn’t know how to establish it.” Or: “Do I have definite proof that he was a cousin of ours? No.” Or: “My brother Jack bore a strong resemblance to him; he really did.” From a letter: “Are we really related, the two families? Can’t say for certain. What’s the legend I’ve fashioned over the years and what’s solid, indisputable fact? I don’t know.” “We could be related to the Rudolph/Joseph Schildkraut family—I honestly believe that.”

  In 1923, when my father was 13, his father, Samuel, took him to a Yiddish theater on the Lower East Side to see Rudolph Schildkraut substitute for the legendary Jacob Adler in the lead role of a play called Der Vilder Mensch (The Wild Man). Rudolph was such a wild man: he hurtled himself, gripping a rope, from one side of the stage to the other. After the play, which was a benefit performance for my grandfather’s union—the International Ladies Garment Workers—my grandfather convinced the guard that he was related to Rudolph Schildkraut, and he and my father went backstage.

  In a tiny dressing room, Rudolph removed his makeup and stage costume, and he and Samuel talked. According to my father, Rudolph said he was born in Romania, and later in his acting career he went to Vienna and Berlin. (“Schildkraut” is of German-Russian derivation. “Schild” means “shield” “kraut” means “cabbage.” We’re protectors and defenders of cabbage.) He and his wife and son, Joseph, came to New York around 1910, went back to Berlin a few years later, and then returned to the United States permanently in 1920. (Joseph Schildkraut’s 1959 memoir, My Father and I, confirms that these dates are correct, which only proves that my father probably consulted the book before telling me the story.) Samuel asked Rudolph whether he knew anything about his family’s antecedents—how and when they came to Austria. Rudolph said he knew little or nothing. His life as an actor took him to many places, and his life and interest were the theater and its people. The two men spoke in Yiddish for about 10 minutes; my father and grandfather left. What little my father couldn’t understand, my grandfather explained to him later.