Finding Acceptance in His Arms

by Thomas Briar

  The horrified expression on Jennifer’s face intensified. “And you’re not mad at him for being selfish and not letting you join in?”

  Kara sipped the last swallow of her second margarita, loving the lighthearted sensation alcohol always gave her. She shook her head again, reaching over the side of the tub to set the empty glass on the floor. “Not in the least. It was marvelous to watch. I would have certainly joined in if he’d let me. But he never gave me any indication that he desired me to physically participate. So I believe he wanted me to only observe tonight. Maybe that’s because my blood work hasn’t been cleared yet. I can’t say for sure because he didn’t give a reason why.”

  “What you really mean is that you didn’t ask him.” Jennifer gulped down her third margarita. She replenished from a waning pitcher sitting on the floor.

  Kara didn’t offer a reply because of Jennifer’s irritation at her honest answers. And yes, she certainly understood her friend’s concern. She just wasn’t worried about her growing attachment to Evan—saw no reason to be worried. In fact, she liked that it was happening to her, immensely so.

  “He won’t make you happy in the long run,” Jennifer warned. “It isn’t in his nature to make anyone happy but himself. If you let yourself fall in love with him you’re doomed. Performers should never fall in love with other performers. It always ends badly.”

  “I already know that, Jennifer.” Kara rolled her eyes. “And I’m not falling in love with him. In all honesty, I think what we shared tonight has nothing whatsoever to do with love, though I’ve definitely fallen in lust with him.”

  “Of course you have. I warned you not to take him too seriously, but like usual, you didn’t listen to me.”

  Kara didn’t want to argue, so lolled her head back to let her gaze wander about the ceiling while remembering how furiously Evan had fucked the slaves. At one point she’d thought he might break them from his incessant tag teaming while seeking the conclusion of his third and final orgasm. Then, all of a sudden, the slaves were kneeling before him with open mouths and he and she were coming together in joyful bliss.

  She’d never before known any man so sure of his actions and how his emotions would manipulate hers. It was like he’d delved inside her soul further than any human being ever had before. She accepted he knew her completely now. Both emotionally and physically without having ever touched her during their sexual escapade, except with his eyes. To her immense surprise on the cab ride home, she’d found herself seeking out his hand while wanting to share his bed tonight. Sadly, he didn’t make any offer for her to do so.

  “Have you really become so enamored with him after only two dates?” Frustration dominated Jennifer’s voice. “He’s only a user that seeks out the fulfillment of his own debased fantasies. Why do you think he writes porn scripts? He won’t ever love you back. You’re heading down a dangerous road, girlfriend.”

  Kara looked straight into Jennifer’s eyes across the emotional void separating them. She knew it was time to lay all truths bare before her friend. “Have you ever felt totally connected to someone on a physical and emotional level? He makes me feel like I’ve finally found my place in the world. And I haven’t felt at peace anywhere since Mama and Daddy died. That’s why I went away to seek success. I wanted to fill up the void their deaths left in my life.”

  “Okay.” Jennifer grimaced after taking another gulp of her drink. “I get that you’re lonely and looking for someone to complete you. But let’s just follow what I’m hearing out to its logical conclusion in supposing that your burgeoning romantic feelings for him are reciprocated. Are you willing to throw away your career to enter into a relationship with him?”

  “I never said that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him,” Kara argued.

  “You don’t have to say it, Kara. It’s written all over your face. Now I wish that I’d never told you about what I did with him.”

  “Wish whatever you want to, but I won’t wish it along with you,” Kara retorted. “I don’t have that much time left to do this. On my deathbed I want to regret the things that I did do, not the things I didn’t. Besides, my acting coach continually tells me how I need to open myself up to new experiences so I can apply what I learn to my acting. So this experience can only make me a better actress.”

  Jennifer appeared shocked by what she was hearing. She shook her head from side to side emphatically. “You’re lying to yourself if you claim to believe it will make you a better actress. You’re already a successful actress. Your last play on Broadway got you an audition that landed you into a feature film with a prominent director. Three months from now you’ll be in New Zealand acting in the role that will make you famous. So stop lying to me, and yourself. I won’t put up with it.”

  Kara almost couldn’t believe how blown out of proportion this conversation had become. She didn’t know why everything always had to be black or white to Jennifer. Why couldn’t her friend see her romantic entanglement with Evan had entered the gray area in between?

  She once again lolled her head backward to stare at the ceiling. She let out a long sigh, seeing a way to dial the conversation back down. “That reminds me. I have to post on the various social networks before I go to sleep tonight. I’m supposed to be relaxing on a secluded beach in Fiji this week. I’ve already got the necessary pictures to be uploaded cached on my computer.”

  “No worries. I already did it for you while you were out. I posted that you were having a great time rejuvenating from your exhausting work schedule and really appreciated everyone respecting your privacy.” Jennifer gave up a giggle. “To think everyone in the entertainment industry believes you are a squeaky clean virgin still tickles me every time I think about it.”

  “Well, that’s the image I started portraying myself as being, so, by default, I have to keep it up now until I find a squeaky-clean boyfriend. You ought to have seen the shocked performance I gave when the director’s assistant asked me during the audition if I’d ever done any nudity on film or video that could come back to haunt me or their movie. They’d all have heart attacks if they knew what I’ve really been up to tonight.”

  “What will happen if they find out?”

  “Since it’s a teen romance about first love I’ll be promptly replaced. And my future in mainstream acting will be in real jeopardy. I’d have to do some real damage control to fix it, if it would even be fixable.”

  Jennifer pursed her lips. “That’s something I’ll never understand about you wanting to do this. Why would you ever do anything to jeopardize something you worked so hard for? I just don’t get it. There has to be a safe place somewhere in New York where a person like you can indulge in all your sexual fantasies while keeping your anonymity intact.”

  “In this digital age I can’t afford to risk it in New York. No one knows who I am down here because I’m not a real star yet. But I know this upcoming role will make me one. And then I won’t be able to go outside without being followed around and photographed. My having done this will be paparazzi gold a year from now if it was caught on tape. So, like I said before, I don’t have much time left. I sometimes wonder if fame will be worth the price of all that I will have to give up.”

  “Just think of all the fabulous clothing, jewelry, and handbags you’ll be able to afford. Not to mention garnering the adulation of your fans. You won’t have any second thoughts about it then.”

  “You know something? I’ve been thinking. Why don’t you come with me to New Zealand? You could be my assistant.” Kara threw this out there to keep the conversation moving along in the right direction.

  Jennifer scoffed. “I don’t mind licking your ass when I want to but I’ll never do it because you say I have to. You already know this, Kara. Besides, I have my own life to live and I’m sure they’ll provide you with an assistant since you are the star of the movie. You’ll probably have two or three too many anyway.”

  “Probably will,” Kara said, thinking of all the swag already
given to her so she would take the role. The only sad thing about her life these days remained the truth of her having become a star on Broadway. Her everyday private life exemplified her boring, good girl public persona. She wanted some real excitement in her life again. And without a doubt, Evan Lars had shown her more real excitement tonight than she’d known since abandoning Jennifer and Atlanta. She still didn’t understand how he could have possibly known she was going to react so favorably to him and his debauchery.

  How could he have known that? And why had she felt such compulsive wantonness to remain in his presence afterward. Even now she still wished he would have invited her home with him.

  “You’ve got that wistful expression on your face again,” Jennifer spoke up. “Stop thinking about Evan. He’ll be your ruin if you’re not careful. I’m warning you.”

  “He won’t hurt me or my career,” Kara responded. And she knew he wouldn’t. It simply wasn’t in his nature to hurt women intentionally.

  “I’m not talking about him hurting your career. I’m talking about you letting your feelings for him hurt your career. Enjoy being with him if you have to but shake him off afterward like a bad hangover. He’s poison to you. You know I’m only telling you this for your own good.”

  “You’re starting to sound like a broken record,” Kara said, wanting her friend to just let it go. She’d already made up her mind she was going to do this, no matter what consequences she faced afterward.

  A long pause of silence descended to let Kara’s mind cycle back through the naughty deeds of the night until it finally centered on something she hadn’t mustered the courage to ask Evan. She looked over at Jennifer. The woman lay languidly against her end of the tub with her arms resting along the sides, head lolled back, eyes closed. She looked so much the picture of relaxation that Kara almost resisted disturbing her.

  “Do you think he writes the scripts for his private performances also?”

  Jennifer cracked her eyes open and nudged her shoulders upward. “He’s revealed more to you about himself than he did to me. We mostly talked about fucking. What we liked, what we didn’t, our dos and don’ts. And since it’s come up, during oral sex don’t ever try to perform analingus on him. He doesn’t like that.”

  “Did he say why not?” Now that Jennifer had brought it to her attention, she remembered the slaves never ventured past his scrotum with their oral ministrations.

  “He didn’t ever say, only told me he didn’t care for it. Him not liking it never bothered me, but then, I don’t have an anal fetish like you do. I just thought you might want to file the information away for future reference.”

  “Thanks. It’s good to know. Now what do you think about his private performances? Does he write them also?”

  Jennifer shrugged again. “Why wouldn’t he script his performances? It would allow him to play on his strengths and ignore his weaknesses.”

  “What are his weaknesses?” Kara’s curiosity roused.

  “I really don’t know that he has any. I’ve never seen him exhibit any or heard anyone mention anything. And it’s rumored that he’s performed over three hundred times in the last four years.”

  “At ten thousand dollars a performance!” Kara still found it hard to believe that any person would pay such an exorbitant amount of money to see any two people have sex. No matter who the people were.

  “In the beginning he only received five thousand a performance and he had to split it with the girl. So I think he’s probably only rich instead of wealthy.”

  “He doesn’t act rich.” Kara said this because it was the truth. “To look at him you’d think he was doing well in life, some sort of business professional most certainly, but you wouldn’t think he’s rich.”

  Jennifer closed her eyes again. “I believe it’s because he simply doesn’t feel the need to put on airs to qualify himself to his peers, if he has any peers in the business? I don’t think he really has any. And now that we’ve learned he writes scripts, he’s got to be getting a nice sum for each of those also.”

  “I think he owns a nightclub as well,” Kara said. “Remember me telling you how the manager of that club wilted down under his wrath. The only logical explanation is that he owns the club.”

  “So, on second thought, he’s probably wealthy if the real truth were to be known. Not counting the club, just think of the percentage of the take coming back to him for writing the movies. Most people don’t know it but feature pornography releases generate more money than Hollywood box office releases. Always have. There’s no telling how much he’s worth, especially if he’s a cunning investor. And we both know he isn’t stupid because he connected himself to all the right people in the best possible ways to profit from his talents.”

  This last comment made Kara curious about something else. “Tell me more about them. The people Evan and I will be performing for. You said once before that they would only quietly watch.”

  “What do you want to know?” Jennifer opened glazed eyes.

  “Who are they? What ages are they? Tell me everything you know about them.”

  “That might take a while.” Jennifer mumbled, her eyelids falling shut again.

  “Well, I’m not getting out of this bath anytime soon,” Kara said. “It’s too wonderful feeling.”

  “I know what you mean. Those margaritas combined with this soothing warm water have kicked my ass. I’m so sleepy I can hardly keep my eyes open,” Jennifer mumbled back, then began speaking in a low, robotic monotone. “The patrons you will be performing for are very wealthy and they like to slum in their voyeuristic delights…”

  Kara goaded her on a little more, and after a few seconds Jennifer carried on, “The first time I performed with Evan and that Tiffany girl I remember being very conscious of how rundown the hotel lobby appeared where we had sex. It was awful, and definitely not in a safe part of the city. In all truthfulness, it wouldn’t have surprised me if a gang of thugs had walked in on us brandishing weapons and demanding money.

  “But I got past my initial nervousness and performed exemplary.

  “Afterward, they asked Evan to invite me back. Only this time our performance took place in a railroad boxcar. We both wore clothes that made us look like we were homeless. Evan even added smudges of grease to our faces and bodies to make us look like authentic hobos. And the clothes appeared to be from the 1930s depression era and really ratty-looking. If Evan hadn’t promised me that he’d washed them in bleach the night before I would’ve balked. Anyway, they smelled of bleach so I put them on and then we fucked in the boxcar under the glow of lantern light with the voyeurs sitting along the walls watching.”

  Kara smiled, liking the way Jennifer meandered along in the answering of her question like a drunk stumbling down the street. She really liked drunken Jennifer. Alcohol always made her friend tell the truth, no matter how embarrassing the topic of conversation or offensive her personal opinions might be. And best of all, she could talk articulately for hours within her alcoholic haze on any given subject with a minimum of prodding.

  “All the men bring their wives along with them to watch, or perhaps the women are only their mistresses, but both times they all brought women with them nonetheless. They were dressed kind of like we were and they played their roles to the hilt, never directing a word toward us. It was as if they’d never approved the script or knew who we really were.

  “The way it goes down reminds me of an elaborately orchestrated costume party. I knew they were pleased with our performances when the very air became electrified and I could feel the sexual tension oozing out of them. Of course, it never turned into an orgy during either of the performances. I can only imagine what happens after we conclude the scene and are dismissed. Evan says he doesn’t care what they do after we leave so as long as we get paid for our services beforehand.”

  Kara tilted her head sideways. “So even he doesn’t know what takes place afterward among the couples?”

  “He never said he did
n’t know—only admitted that he didn’t care. Anyway, they are a very diverse age group of men and women of different races. Some are young, some middle-aged, some really old.”

  Jennifer paused a moment, then added, “You know how I sometimes sense things about people? Well, whenever I’m around this group of voyeurs I get the distinct feeling that the common thread holding them all together is their love of sex combined with their similar backgrounds. I just can’t shake the feeling that they’ve all known abject poverty at some point in their lives before becoming wealthy. That’s the impression I get from them anyway. I suppose this is because no matter how squalid their surroundings or dangerous the environment, they always seem quite at ease, like it’s nothing new to them.”

  Kara pondered this over. “So what you’re saying is they’re seeking something from their past in their slumming voyeurism.”

  Jennifer pursed her lips, her facial expression exhibiting thoughtful reflection despite her closed eyes. “Never really gave it much thought. But yes. Human biology declares that whatever first turns a person on will always turn them on. These people have witnessed similar kinds of acts at some point in their poverty-stricken days and just want to relive them. That’s what I think anyway.”

  “Hmmm,” Kara mused. “How many are usually in attendance?”

  “Their numbers vary. The first time we performed there were only ten spectators, the second time twenty. Evan said they must have bragged on us to their friends because that’s probably why their numbers doubled. I’m hoping in my upcoming third performance next month that their numbers will be tripled because of the amount of tips we’ll then receive. I’m only in this for the money. The orgasm Evan gives me is just a perk of the job.”

  “Does Evan ever perform with other men?”