“You look cold,” he stated as he watched me, tentatively nudging my arm with his elbow.
“I’m just a little chilly. Not a big deal,” I responded, knowing that he would make it a larger ordeal than it truly was. “I know we haven’t gotten to really talk since we left the compound and I’m sorry.”
He waved his hand in a dismissive gesture and averted his gaze forward, eyes scanning the horizon. “Don’t worry about it. We have more important things to worry about. We take care of all that, and there will be time to really talk after it’s all said and done. I just wanted to check on you is all.”
“Well,” I said as I nodded at his words, “looks like we’ve got plenty of time to talk now.”
“That we do. I’d say a whole one hundred and ninety miles to talk about whatever you want.” He fell silent and when I turned to look at him again; he was staring off into the distance, tears filling his eyes and I had a feeling I knew exactly why. Cato was still a lingering presence over all of us, but I was the only one with him inside of my head in a literal sense it seemed.
“I miss him too,” I confessed, watching as his eyes and face fell, looking at the ground as he stalked through the forest beside me. He kicked a random rock in the middle of the forest floor, and I heard it scatter barely even a foot away.
Cato had been an integral part of our lives since childhood, our group bonding quickly as teachers taught us what little of our own history the government allowed them to show and to move onto what could prepare us for a job in the real world as soon as we turned eighteen. He was strong but docile, loving animals and caring for them when he wasn’t working the lumber yard. That was until they ripped our world from us and we were taken to the compound to be experimented on and forced into sheet rock cages with electric doors that would zap us if we even attempted to cross them. The auras at the compound were no laughing matter, and we had learned that quickly, but Cato’s death had impacted us all. It caused Julius’ and my bond to become stronger, forging Caius to our group because he understood, and forcing Nero to choose sides. And he chose one that we hadn’t expected because he felt that I could’ve fought harder to save Cato when he had begged me to end this all so I could save others like us. To save and forge a new brand of society that would see us as equals instead of something to be afraid of and used against our will to force others to comply.
With a smirk and a chuckle, Julius asked, “Do you remember when we would take the car and drive to Lake Bowen?”
An image of what Cato had shown me of our past flashed into my mind, no doubt the work of whatever transference he had done when he shared his vision with me. Even that I was still unsure of. A memory of Cato and me lying on the hood of his car looking at the stars as I pointed to them and taught him about the constellations that my father had shown me. We had our small trips on our own outside of the group that they knew about as all of us did it on occasion, but we mostly made this journey together.
“I do. Some of the best moments of my life.” And I meant every word.
“Yeah.” He paused, taking a deep breath and letting it out in a sigh. “Do you ever think about how different things would be if any of this didn’t happen? Where we would be now if we weren’t walking through the woods trying to get somewhere, we’ve never even heard of? Expected to trust people we don’t know?”
“Oh, if only I had time to think about anything else but this,” I responded as I waved at the forest around us and the military grade transport Humvee ahead of us, moving at a leisurely pace so we could keep up while on foot. “And Cato. I can’t get him out of my head.” Little did Julius know I meant that in a literal sense.
“I know Nero blames you for that, but you can’t keep beating yourself up. If you want to blame anyone, blame Emerson King. I’m sure the rest of us do. I know I do.”
If only he knew just how far Cato’s clutches went inside of my mind at that very moment. Even deeper than King’s reach despite the fact that I was the dictator’s direct target, and everyone else was just collateral damage as far as he was concerned.
“I’m beginning to think Nero is right. Maybe I did have a choice,” I confessed.
The event replayed in my head, tears welling up in my eyes at the thought of my deceased friend that had begged me to kill him to save the rest of us at King’s insistence. King had threatened to kill all of us, leaving me for last to inflict the maximum amount of suffering to ensure that he could take my powers without much of a fight.
Julius’s warm hand grabbed hold of my forearm, turning me to look at him as he stopped walking. His face was angry and filled with earnest, causing my eyes to widen in surprise at the expression he wore. I had never seen him like this considering our society had pushed complete and utter stoicism at every turn, even if what happened garnered an outward reaction.
“It’s not your fault, Mila. Don’t let anyone tell you any different. Especially that bastard.” He practically spat the last word, refusing to say Nero’s name. I couldn’t say I blamed him. I didn’t want to talk about him or think about him either.
“But what if he’s right?” I asked as I stared up into his steel gray eyes, no longer being able to see the color. The darkness infringing on us stole every ounce of color around me, leaving it all muted grays and black shadows.
“He’s not.”
“But he could be,” I insisted.
Julius let go of my arm and rubbed his hand over his face in frustration as he grunted at my defiance. “Mila, just stop. Think about what you’re saying. I know Cato showed you something that I can’t even imagine. I know that you’re the one who can save us, but that doesn’t mean you caused this in any way.”
Tears filled my eyes as I stared at him, but I couldn’t make myself believe a single word of his speech no matter how true it may have been. I had been blaming myself since it happened since King had forced me to kill Cato. Cato may have begged me to end his life, giving me the final push to do it, but it didn’t change the fact that I still slew one of my best friends to save myself. It was selfish, right? I didn’t care how many other people I rescued in the process because so many more would die because of me. So many already had, and his death couldn’t bring them back.
“Julius, I’m not so sure anymore.” I pushed my hair away from my face and wiped away a stray tear that had managed to escape my eyes. “I know what Cato showed me, but what if it’s not what we think it is?”
“And what else would it be? If he didn’t feel that you were meant to save all of us and to lead us then, he wouldn’t have shown it to you. That much I do know. And we need you to believe it.”
“I’m starting to think we don’t know anything, Julius,” I said more to myself than to anyone else in particular.
I looked toward those hiking in front of us, Ryder taking a few tentative looks back, but still moving to give us the privacy he felt we needed. We had both lost so much that I wasn’t ready to give up on what little we still had. Without a doubt, Julius’s family would no longer be a part of the picture, which I was certain he was prepared for once the tests came back. I had even expected it, but here I was, walking through the forest toward the regime of others like me and an army that my mother had put together to stop the exploitation of my people. My people. My mom knew she wasn’t really a part of what I was or the cause to move against our exploitation, but she worked within it anyways and I was so grateful.
With a sigh, I looked at Julius and admitted, “I don’t know what I’m doing.” I placed the palms of my hands against my closed eyes to stop the flow of angry and saddened tears that threatened to spill over and kneeled down there in the foliage, not caring if the others went on without me. “Oh, Cato, what do I do?” I felt Cato’s presence again, a warm phantom on my back.
I heard the Humvee stop in the near distance, and Julius knelt down in front of me, placing a hand on my
shoulder as I broke down completely, the tears I had been holding back finally beginning to fall. Everything crashed around me at that moment, and it wasn’t just the sadness that finally broke me. It was the exhaustion and the weight of the world on my shoulders that I wasn’t even sure I could do anything to save us from the evil grasp of a man so evil he bled death and destruction and contaminated the world with it.
“Everything’s going to be okay. I know it,” he assured me as we knelt in the dead leaves and green plants on the ground.
Footsteps came toward us, but I refused to look up at the owner, choosing to keep my hands in their place against my shut eyes. Two male voices, one belonging to Julius and the other belonging to Ryder, exchanged whispers and the kind, comforting hand that was resting on my shoulder disappeared. I looked up to find Ryder now kneeling in front of me, Julius a few paces away watching us, and my mother standing next to him as sadness overtook our small group.
“I think it’s time to take a break, huh?” she asked me as she turned on her heels at the sight of my devastation. She pointed to Ajax and commanded, “Help me set up camp.”
“Yes, ma’am,” he replied, following her to the back of the Humvee.
Before I could stop myself, I turned away and stared at the ground between me and Ryder’s knees. This action confused me. I was greeted with withdrawn behavior when all I wanted was the mother I had left the night I was kidnapped and taken to the compound, but that didn’t seem to be in the cards. Not after the confirmation of what I was that she couldn’t seem to come to terms with. There were no more comforting hugs left for me from her. That much I knew. I missed the world that once was and the friends I once had, but that had all changed when men in white suits came to my home and took my blood, condemning me to a life without the love of those from the time before.
“She’s different now,” I said to Ryder, not gazing up at him, but I felt his sad, beautiful eyes on me. “She doesn’t even see me the same way anymore, does she?”
Ryder’s hand reached out and took mine in its slick warmth, his thumb rubbing over my knuckles in comforting circles as I watched.
“She’ll come around. It’ll take some getting used to,” was his only answer. I wasn’t sure what to make of that, but it did leave an empty hole where my heart used to be.
My brows furrowed and irritation took over, washing over the sorrow like a tidal wave. “Yeah, I’m sure learning your daughter is a freak of nature would take some getting used to.” The words were full of spite, and it didn’t matter that I had tried to sound indifferent, the malice was still present. “She’s surrounded herself with people like me, but since I’m her daughter, that makes it different.” Silence greeted my statement like Ryder wasn’t sure what to say in the face of my obvious dismay at how things had changed for not just me, but for everyone. “Or is it different now because I’m a murderer?”
“You’re not a murderer, Mila,” Ryder jumped to my defense even though he had watched me as I killed Cato at his behest. “You did not murder Cato. King killed him. Not you.”
I refused to look at him, knowing that this was in itself a lie. I had murdered him; slew him to save myself even though no one would admit that. Except me. Granted, I may have saved others by the action, but was I actually looking out for myself in the mask of others? Even I wasn’t sure anymore and, as I gazed toward the others, the constant ringing in my left ear and the absence of sound from the right one from the explosion of a missile was a reminder of how many lives I had cost. Liam being the most recent. And, while I didn’t really know him, he had died because he had been in the wrong place at the wrong time.
“Hey,” Ryder said as he took my chin between his fingers and turned my head so that I would face him, using his other hand to wipe tears away from my grimy face. “You haven’t murdered anyone. Each death has a purpose and just because you were the one to make good on what fate had in store for them doesn’t make you a killer. You got that?”
I opened my mouth to tell him that he was wrong, that since fate had been the one to deal those cards and that I had been the one to see good on that deal that I was a monster, a killer that shouldn’t be the one to save those around me.
“No, don’t say a word. I’m not finished,” he stated in a stern voice, needing me to hear and believe what he was about to say even if I didn’t want to. “You’re special, Mila. The power you hold inside of you is just one thing that makes you stand out and not just to me. To everyone. Fate has dealt you a shitty hand, which I can agree with. But fate has also given you some amazing things.”
I scoffed and snorted at the insinuation that I had been given anything good, feeling as if everything good in my life had been ripped from me the night King’s men took me away from everything I knew. The night men in white suits and cold stares took me away from my home and my old life.
“And what amazing things has it given me, Ryder?” I looked him in the eyes then, forcing the words from within him that I wasn’t even sure he was going to say out loud. Or ever would.
“Isn’t it obvious?” he said as he stared back, our gazes never leaving one another’s even for a second. “I may not know everything that Cato showed you in that room, but if what I’m feeling means anything, I knew that some of it had to do with me. And I’m not walking away. Not even if you beg, because that’s not what someone does to the person they love.”
I was stunned into silence, hearing that word. Those words. I was genuinely shocked. We hadn’t known each other for long, but had been through quite enough together as it was, and our relationship was something that Cato had indeed shown me just a moment before his death in my hands. That part, at least, seemed to be set in stone even if I knew the future was always changing based on our decisions. All except this.
“You have the love of all those around you, and you’ve been too blind to see it because of Cato’s death. Open your eyes,” he whispered as he leaned forward and took both of my hands in his, kissing each scraped knuckle gently as if just his touch could heal every hurt, his eyes closed.
When he opened them again, our eyes met, and they twinkled slightly in the dim light of the moon that managed to filter through the leaves and brush around us. And then an expression crossed over his face that made my heart skip a beat. He leaned into me and our lips met, stars breaking out in my vision as my heart hammered in my chest and I let his soft, gentle kiss sweep me away. I was drifting out into the ocean where my problems could no longer bother me, the vision of Ryder and I wafting into my mind again as if Cato was sharing it with me at that moment, showing me that we were meant for one another and never to doubt that. Even the ringing in my left ear seemed to cease, choosing to give me just this one moment of solace in Ryder’s arms as he wrapped them around me and pulled me closer to his chest. We knelt there, not caring that the others may see us in the darkness in the midst of a private moment meant for only us. I didn’t care and probably never would.
My gut clenched tight with longing as a new image floated into my mind from deep within my subconscious, a place where it seemed Cato had hidden these images away for me and would surface in my time of need. I could see us perfectly clear, kneeling in the brush of the forest, holding onto one another in the same clothes we were wearing at that very moment with weapons strapped to us, need and sadness in our bodies as we fed on each other’s passions in the darkness. Thunder rolled through the air and then the rain started, coming down hard and fast in large pellets that would cleanse away not only the dirt, but the remnants of the past that I wanted so badly to forget to soak into the earth.
Within seconds I was back in the present, my heart fluttering as the thunder roared around us through the thickened darkness. I pulled away from Ryder and looked up toward a sky that I couldn’t see, a broad smile on my face that I didn’t even care to hide.
“Rain’s coming,” I said as I looked up, Ryder turning his g
aze up to look with me. His arms closed around me even tighter.
And then one perfect, singular raindrop fell between us, followed by the downpour from the clouds above. I laughed and could barely contain the joy I felt as this vision of a future that Cato had seen sprang to life right in front of me, bouncing off of our flesh and washing us clean. A shiver ran through me as the rain soaked through my soiled scrubs, plastering my hair to my face and neck.
I placed my hand on the back of Ryder’s neck and pulled him into me once again, leaving all of my troubles to soak into the ground with the cleansing downpour. Fate had brought us together, and now fate was bringing us even closer than I could’ve imagined.
Chapter
SIX
The tents were erected in record time once the rain had started, Ryder helping to put up the remaining two as the rain continued to soak down into our bones. The cold had penetrated our bodies quickly, causing each of us to shiver despite the heat. There were four tents total but were each large enough to hold at least five people. The chill had set in quickly, in our bodies as well as in the air, as the rain worked to cleanse the world. My mother ran toward me with a large pack in her hand and a bundle of what looked like a large sleeping bag, her drenched clothes sticking to her and her hair plastered to her neck and forehead.
“You know, when I was thinking about a shower, this isn’t what I had in mind,” I joked as I took both bundles from her. The sleeping back was light, but the pack was heaving, almost causing me to drop it to the muddy ground because I wasn’t prepared for the weight.
The Pursuit (The Permutation Archives Book 2) Page 6