She smiled at me and chuckled, “Me neither, but it’s better than nothing, right?”
I nodded in response.
“Your tent is right over there.” She pointed to a mucky yellow tent that was situated a little farther from the rest of them. I wasn’t sure if it was to offer privacy or not, but I was thankful for the distance. A dim yellow light shone from inside, seemingly welcome in the darkness. “There are dry, clean clothes in the large bag with some rations. The other is a large sleeping bag. Ryder will be with you shortly. I suggest getting some sleep because we have a long walk ahead of us.”
My eyebrows shot up in surprise, and I asked, “You’re letting us share?”
“I am,” she replied as she nodded. “He’s strong, he’s capable of protecting you if anything were to happen while we were all asleep, and you two have something going on here that I can’t understand.” I must have looked confused because she continued, “Your relationship was forged in a bond that only tragedy and fear brings. Plus, I think you two should chat about his past. I don’t know how much he told you, but I think it’s a good idea regardless. It doesn’t have to be tonight, though. Whenever you’re ready.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but she held up her hand to stop me.
“I know he’s good for you, and you’re good for him. This is not a ploy to rip you two apart. Okay?” She looked at me with the words burning clear in her expression and her eyes. She was definitely different and still trying to be the mother I had left behind before the Harvest. I had to give her points for that. That motherly instinct never left her when it came to be even though it was evident I didn’t need mothering anymore.
“Alright,” I answered. I turned to begin to walking toward the tent and stopped, turning my gaze to her. “I love you, Mom.”
Her face warmed and a weak, exhausted smile spread across her lips. “I love you, too.”
I was relieved she could at least still say the words and seem to mean them, even though our entire dynamic as mother and daughter had changed. Thankful for it really. Gratitude washed over me as I made my way to the tent, her words continuing to run through my mind. Ryder had a dark past. That I could handle. We all did after everything that had happened and I knew I couldn’t condemn him for that, but my mother made it sound as if he was an entirely different person than the one I knew. Maybe he was, but did that change anything? More than likely not. Plus, I couldn’t even think of the right time to ask about such things when there was a danger at every turn. When would there be uninterrupted time to actually sit down and talk to each other about who we were, before and now?
I took a step into the tent and stopped right inside the entrance. It was tall enough to where I didn’t have to duck down to cross the threshold, the inside possibly even another six inches taller so we could stand upright and move around. I hadn’t expected it even from the outside, but here I was. The inside was clean, nearly immaculate even though it had been erected in the rain and the mud. I removed my disgusting shoes and moved to the far side of the tent and decided it would be best to change out of my wet and soiled clothes before touching the sleeping bag. Dropping the sleeping bag to the cloth covered ground on the far side, I began to open the pack my mother had handed me that she stated was full of clothes and rations. I pulled out at least a dozen bags of dried meats, crackers, government cheese, and other things I wasn’t even sure about that were in silver packets. It was then that I decided I wasn’t hungry at all even though my stomach was practically growling at the thought of any kind of sustenance. Maybe the dried meat was the best option. Or the crackers. I sighed, unsure of what to do.
There was a flap of fabric, and I turned to find Ryder walking inside, turning to zip the tent’s door shut behind him. His smile greeted me, his bright green eyes sparkling as he took in our quarters for the night. “Looks like we get to be roomies.”
I grinned back and replied, “Yeah, looks like it. I’ll be honest. That woman still manages to surprise me sometimes.”
“Well, you are a grown woman. It’s about time she cuts those apron strings, huh?” From his expression, I could tell he was only half joking.
I scoffed at the thought. “You obviously don’t know my mother.”
“Well, not the way you do. It looks like we’re both still getting to know her.”
He was right in every way. The space went silent, the rain pelting the waterproof exterior of the tent.
“Sounds like the rain is letting up,” I stated, attempting to fill the silence with something other than raindrops.
“It is,” Ryder said as he removed his holster and dropped it to the floor, quickly followed by his soaked black t-shirt. “We should change before hypothermia sets in. You’re shivering.”
This was something I had barely noticed. I inhaled sharply, taking in each curve of lean muscle that I had only seen through the fabric of his clothing before now, not sure what to do. He removed his shoes and socks with precision, then his hands went to the button on his pants, and I panicked at the thought of seeing even more of him. I turned away from him and focused on the wall of dingy yellow in front of me, wringing my hands as I heard the zipper and heard him chuckle at my expense.
“You know, I’m military, right? I lost all modesty years ago, so you don’t have to turn around,” he laughed.
I couldn’t stop the blood from flooding to my cheeks. “You may have, Ryder, but I haven’t. Not even after being practically stripped at every opportunity and poked and prodded in front of you.”
“That may be true, but don’t you think it’s unfair that I’ve pretty much seen all of you, and you’ve seen none of me?” He had a point, but I didn’t turn around regardless. Instead, I covered my eyes, turned, and held the bag out to him that held the clean clothes. From what I could tell before he had come in, there were clothes for both men and women in there. I guessed because of Famke and my mother, and it had seemed as if they had been prepared for more women to join them. Or at least me.
“Different circumstances, Ryder. And you know it.”
I stood there as the sound of fabric moving over skin floated to my ears. Then I felt his warm hand on mine as he took the bag from me and placed it on the floor, taking my other hand in his that was covering my eyes. My heart skipped a beat, and my breathing picked up as he gently tugged at that hand, attempting to get me to remove it.
“Mila, look at me,” he whispered, his warm breath on my face and neck causing my heart to beat even faster and harder against my ribcage and my palms began to sweat.
“Are you at least still decent?” I asked, not sure whether he had actually removed the rest of his clothes or not. I had turned away too quickly to know for certain.
“Yes,” he said with a laugh. “I’m decent.”
I let him gently remove my hand from my eyes, taking in the sight of his beautiful eyes and gorgeous face in the dim light, the scruff he had grown making him look even more rugged than he had in the compound. Which made him even more devastatingly handsome. There was a flutter in my chest as I spotted the small droplets of water causing his slightly bronzed skin to glitter ever so slightly, a shaky breath leaving my lungs in a whoosh of air. The muscles that rippled beneath his perfect skin were well-formed, sleek and lean like the predator I knew he could be. That I had seen him be more than once. He took both hands in his and placed them on his chest, directly in the center with palms flat over his heart. It beat rapidly beneath my hands, mirroring my own that was ready to leap from within my chest and run straight into his warm and safe arms. True to his word, his pants were still on, but hung low on his hips, causing me to bite my lip to stifle a sigh as my stomach clenched and my veins burned with the fire he had ignited inside of me.
“Do you feel that?” he asked, his face barely a few inches from mine. So close I could breathe in his heady scent, spicy with a hint of musk. I nodded,
feeling his heart beat so quickly beneath my fingertips. “When I was told I was being assigned to you I tried to remain impartial, doing my job as I had been asked because you were Horatia’s daughter. To keep you as safe as possible until we got the signal that recuse was on the way. But when I saw you sitting on that table, alone and scared and so beautiful, I couldn’t do that anymore. My first glimpse at you changed everything. And I hadn’t believed in love at first sight before.”
Tears welled up in my eyes, falling before I had a chance to stop them, but he continued on, taking only one hand away to wipe them from my cheeks. My heart began to swell, threatening to break open and pour out all over him, just as he was doing for me at that moment.
“And now, here I am, pouring myself out to you, and I’m not even sure if you feel the same way,” he said as he laughed a sad laugh that was filled with uncertainty. He took a shaky breath as his hands began to tremble, holding my own to him and refusing to let go. “I’m laying myself out bare to you, every part of me is yours if you want it. I know what we shared out there was real, but I’m terrified. I just need to hear you say it’s real. That we did actually wake up and make it out of there, and this isn’t just some elaborate fantasy King implanted in my brain, holding us prisoner while he does things to you.” He shook his head and looked at me. “Even as I say it, it sounds crazy, right?”
My gaze shot up to his, my eyes piercing his as we stood there in stunned silence. I had no idea he had these doubts in his head because he had never mentioned them, causing me to feel a ripple of regret roll through my belly.
“No, it’s real. What we have is real. Please don’t doubt that,” I said to him as I felt my heart break just slightly at his words. “We made it out of there, and here we are now, standing here together and on our path that Cato had shown me toward King’s downfall. I don’t know how I can prove that to you, but it’s very real. I’m here.”
His shoulders sagged in relief as he exhaled, placing his hand on the back of my neck and his forehead against mine, squeezing his eyes shut as his face twisted into near turmoil. I brushed my lips against his and took a step back, his brows furrowing in confusion as I looked at him with all the love that I could. A love I didn’t think I could feel in such a short amount of time. A love that I didn’t think was possible after all of the darkness I had seen in humanity because I no longer believed in the good of it. I took a deep, unsteady breath, barely believing that I was about to do something that was so brazen that the thought of rejection terrified me to my very core. And the uncertainty of his past didn’t matter to me anymore. I decided he would tell me more when he was ready.
I removed my filthy and sodden pants, throwing them to the side with the shoes I had already taken off to join them. When my hands went to my top, only this and my undergarments hiding anything now, his eyes went wide, and his breathing visibly hitched in his throat as his hands grabbed my wrists to stop me.
“Wh-What are you doing?” he stammered, barely able to choke out the words in shock.
Without a word, I shook off his hands and removed the shirt, and my flesh met cool air from the storm, goosebumps forming as soon as it was exposed. I was bare completely and utterly, not only in body, but the mind and he needed to know that.
“You have me, mind and soul, forever and always. And body as long as you’ll have me. I’m laying myself out bare to you as you have done for me. Our bond is unbreakable, spoken by a fate that Cato showed me before his death.” A vision flashed through my mind of what he had let me see, both bodies, bare and unbound wrapped in each other. “I’m bound to you, Ryder. Forever.” I emphasized the last word, making sure he heard it loud and clear.
His entire demeanor changed, his eyes igniting with desire and his body full of tension that was so beautiful that I stood in awe as he neared me. He closed the distance between us and took me into his arms, his lips meeting mine in a hungry display of the passion he felt for me. And I could taste his fear in that kiss. I let him take me into the waves of our emotions that crashed down around us, pulling us under until it was all we knew.
Chapter
SEven
I fell asleep quickly, wrapped in Ryder’s arms and covered with the thick sleeping bag. At first, darkness was there to greet me, but then my surroundings changed. The sterile white walls of the compound glared at me, the computer screen on the far wall and the padded metal chair in the center of the room were there to remind me of what I had done. Haunting me. The white dress I wore draped across my body like a glove, fitting perfectly and reaching the floor. It was made of a soft, flowing material that I couldn’t place and no shoes adorned my feet, the cold tile on the floor chilling my bones. Fear took residence in the very center of my chest, causing my heart to race like a jackhammer, forcing my breathing into a rapid rhythm as well. I watched as I materialized, soldiers decked out in black gliding into the room with a barely struggling Cato who looked like he had been beaten within an inch of his life. It was then that I knew what was coming, and I turned away from it, only to find myself still staring at the frightening scene that had been in front of me. I attempted to turn away again, but all I saw was the moment that determined so much of who I was now. An event that determined the rest of my life. The moment Cato shared his gift with me, which now seemed to be more like passing on than showing.
Our foreheads were pressed together, both of our eyes shut to the world around us. I knew Doctor Aserov and Ryder had been in the room with us at that moment, but they were nowhere to be seen like my subconscious wanted to focus only on us and what this event meant. The moment that changed my life from then on, and would determine where I was headed. Where we all were headed.
The terror and the sorrow in the room were palpable, covering my skin like a warm blanket that penetrated down into my very core. I began to sweat profusely, goosebumps breaking out over my flesh despite the heat emanating from my body. I rubbed my arms, not making a difference and only pulling back clammy palms I knew I could do nothing about. My eyes squeezed shut, but then the screams started, and I was certain that I couldn’t block them out. That thought didn’t stop me from covering my ears, attempting to keep the pained cries of my friend’s death from penetrating my eardrums even in the slightest. I could still hear them as if my hands weren’t covering my ears, the damage was done to them in the real world meaning nothing. Anxiety formed a solid pit in my stomach, and nausea crept up from my belly, threatening to spill over onto the clean white floor that wouldn’t be that way for much longer. The sounds of Cato’s death could still be heard. His screams and my cries, everything playing out as if in stereo, bouncing off of the walls to greet my ears with their horrible tones. I didn’t want to see it. I didn’t want to hear it. I had already lived it and didn’t care to ever again, the memory etched in my mind so I could never forget even if I wanted to.
I shook my head, whispering, “No, it’s not real. It’s not real. It’s a dream.” I repeated the words over and over to myself like a mantra, wishing the images and the sounds away, knowing that, in this place, there was nothing I could do to make them disappear. “It’s not real.”
King’s voice echoed through the space, but I couldn’t make out the words, each one of them running together to make them unintelligible. My heart skipped a beat and then wrenched as if someone had pulled on a string attached to it, panic moving through me and gripping me like a vice that refused to let go. Fate was punishing me, that I was certain as I heard Cato’s anguished cries grow louder and louder as I attempted to drown them out. I had decided then that I wasn’t going to open my eyes. Not for any reason until this was over. Then a voice sounded through the air, drawing all of my attention as everything came to s screeching halt.
“Mila,” my own voice drifted toward me, caressing my cheek as the screams died down and died out completely. “Mila.” The sound was as smooth as silk, but echoed like two voices were speaking, one sounding r
ight after the other in a terrifying crescendo.
My eyes popped open and drifted to my own form in front of me, my hands falling away from the shock of seeing myself standing before me like a reflection, but now covered in black, dead blood. My hair stuck to my face and neck, matted there not only from my tears, but the blood of my friend that I had held in my arms before being escorted back to my quarters within the compound. Before I had called Ryder a coward for standing back and doing nothing while I slew my friend to save myself and the others. The guilt of what I had done still racked me, leaving me weak and tired, ready to leave this world behind for another beyond what I knew.
“You can’t hide from what you are, Mila,” my doppelganger said to me, her voice rolling around me and caressing each part of me not yet lost to the darkness, the light slipping between my fingers with each word she spoke.
Cato’s still form, drenched in blood and covered in black veins, eyes dead and white purple from the bursting of dying blood vessels within them, was lying on the floor in the heap I was forced to leave him in after being ripped from him. I wanted to do so much more for him. I wanted to give him the burial he deserved. What became of his body once I had left the room? A shiver ran up my spine as I imagined King taking whatever he felt he needed from him, leaving it an even emptier shell than when I had stolen the life from it. My gaze drifted back to my own eyes, staring at me and taking me into their green depths as I forced myself not to scream.
In an instant, Nero was standing behind the other me as if he had transported himself to the room with only a thought, his steel gray eyes penetrating mine as he brought a blade up to my own throat, her throat, and held it there hovering just over the flesh. He was a traitor, something to be squashed under my angry feet, but I couldn’t make myself move. I stood there frozen as he threatened to end my life with one swift motion, his hard eyes boring into mine in my betrayal despite Cato’s insistence that I save what remained of us. That didn’t matter to him, and he turned away from us, even Julius, his own brother who owned the same pair of steely eyes. Julius had held onto the thought of the person I was while Nero had held onto the idea of the monster that I had become. How could I ever tell him that I would take it all back if I could? That I would’ve rather killed myself than kill Cato, the loving dear friend that I had taught the constellations to on more than one occasion. The friend that I had grown up with right alongside the rest of them. The friend I loved deeply.
The Pursuit (The Permutation Archives Book 2) Page 7