First Love

by G. L. Snodgrass

  We continued to explore, continued to taste, to marvel in each other. It had never been like this for me. This intense, this mind blowing wonderful. So sensual, so right.

  My stomach turned over. Leaving in a few days. He would leave me in a few days. I would never have this again with him. How would I deal with it? How could I deal with losing him? I suddenly became afraid, very frightened of what my life would be like without him. Deep down I knew if we continued. If we finished making love I would be lost.

  Gently I placed my hands on his hard chest and pushed back.

  “I can’t,” I said. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

  His brow narrowed in confusion as his beautiful eyes tried to regain focus.

  “Um … Okay …” he said as he backed away a little. The pain and hurt look that shot across his face sent a cold dagger to my heart. I’d hurt him. He’d wanted it just as much as I had. He’d been as lost as me. The sudden shift had confused him. It sent a little sparkle of warmth to my insides to know that he wanted me. I didn’t like the fact that I liked that sparkle but I’m not perfect.

  It wasn’t fair. What I was doing. But I couldn’t relent. With another person I might have been able to. But not Michael. I cared too much for him and I didn’t know what would happen to me once he walked away. In two days no less. If we finished this, it would be wonderful. The greatest, most wonderful a person ever had. I knew it in the bottom of my soul. But then I would break into a million pieces when he walked away.

  I couldn’t afford that. Everything was too brittle and close to breaking now. My dad’s betrayal. Seeing my mom again and all of those memories. I hurt too much already. Michael would just make it worse. I thought about trying to explain it but couldn’t figure out what to say. What? I’m sorry for teasing you, getting you all worked up, but I’m not grown up enough to handle it. It’s too intense.

  Yeah, right, that’d go over like a lead balloon. Maybe if I tried too …

  “Whatever,” he muttered then turned over and pulled the blanket to his shoulders. Well that issue was solved.

  Didn’t he want an explanation? Wasn’t he going to try to change my mind?

  “I’m sorry,” I said. It seems I was apologizing more to Michael in two days than I had my entire life.

  “I understand,” he said as he glanced over his shoulder me. And I almost believed him until he added. “But don’t crawl into my blankets in the morning. Not unless you want me to finish what you started.”

  My stomach fell and heart stopped. I’d hurt him. Bad. I didn’t think about him leaving me by the side of the road. Dumping me in some hick town on the prairie. I thought about his kiss. About his hands. The way he tasted and the way he made me feel. As if I was special.

  I understood why he was upset. If it had been the other way around and he had pushed me away, I would have been crushed. I would have been angry.

  I wouldn’t blame him if he left me on the side of the road. It’s what I would have done to him. I had better make sure to be the first one awake in the morning. And on my side of the tent. Alone!

  Chapter Nine

  Michael

  The cold reached under my blanket to caress me awake. The dark gray light seeped into the tent. Just enough to let me know it was early morning and Sasha was still on her side. The sharp pain made me cringe with regret.

  I’d been rejected before. I was a guy, it came with the territory. This was different though. Personal, a loss of hope. This girl had me on a bungee rope, up then down and back up. It was enough to make a man want to walk away from the world.

  To hell with her. I didn’t need her. There were a dozen girls I could get. Hell if I took my guitar into the nearest town I’d have them lined up before the night was done.

  So why was I so pissed off? What was it about this girl that made it hurt so bad?

  Now that I was awake there was no going back to sleep. Not with the gentle whiff of Vanilla and coconut permeating the tent. Not with her gentle breaths raking my soul.

  Pushing my blankets aside I sneaked out of the tent without waking her. I looked back and studied her for a moment. A strand of fine blond hair had fallen across her face, highlighting her sharp cheekbones. Her lips were pursed, those special lips I had devoured last night. I wondered what she was dreaming about. Was it me? Did I even matter to her enough to dream about?

  The sky was turning that light purple it gets when the last star leaves for the day. Birds sang and the wind ruffled the tall grass. The world moved on. It didn’t matter what was going on inside a person, the world moved on.

  Shrugging my shoulders at my ridiculousness I made a trip up to the restroom then returned and started a fire. Once it was going good I got things ready for breakfast.

  “Good Morning,” Sasha said with a hesitant smile as she exited the tent.

  The girl was a goddess even after a night of sleeping on the hard ground. “What’s so good about it?” I said before I had a chance to stop myself.

  She winced and the smile was instantly replaced by her familiar tough girl scowl. Great, I’d pissed her off and hadn’t even meant too.

  She turned and marched to the restroom without saying a thing. It was going to be a fun few days until we got to Philly. What made it worse was I didn’t really know why I was upset. Oh I knew, I just didn’t understand.

  When she returned she sat at the table and rested her chin on her hands as she watched me cook the potatoes in the bacon grease.

  “I’m sorry about last night,” she said. “It’s just that we’re going separate ways in a couple of days.”

  “Hey, I understand don’t worry about it. Not your problem,” I said trying desperately to sound casual and unconcerned. I shifted around the fire to put my back to her. I didn’t want her reading anything into what I said. Just drop it and let’s move on.

  “No, really. I want to talk about it,” she said. “I think we need to discuss it.”

  “Well I don’t. It wasn’t that big a deal. Let it go and let’s move on.”

  She shook her head. “I’m not sure. It’s important to me that you understand. That you’re not hurt.”

  “Jesus, Sasha, get over yourself. You’re not that irresistible that I fall apart around you. I thought we had something. Maybe something important. I misread the signals and thought you wanted it as much as I did. I was wrong. It happens, No big deal.”

  Great, now we were going to drag it out in the open and beat it like a dead horse. No way was I doing that, not today.

  She flinched again, that was twice in one morning, not a good way to start the day. Her blue eyes turned a light silver as they narrowed to study me. Finally she twisted away and started packing the blankets and taking down the tent.

  “I’ll do that,” I said as she wrestled with the segmented poles.

  “I’ve got it. It’s not rocket science,” she snapped back.

  Oh this was going to be such a fun trip.

  A few minutes later the two of us sat over a breakfast of eggs, bacon, and O’Brian potatoes. The silence was so thick it felt like a physical force smothering us.

  Why did it have to be like this? She had every right to back off last night. I might not have liked it but she had the right. There was no argument about that. I hadn’t done or said anything that indicated otherwise. Just my normal self. But if neither of us had done anything wrong then why did things feel so wrong between us. It was like we were walking barefoot across a cactus patch. Each of us afraid to take another step.

  “So why New York?” She asked. Making her the better person for breaking the silence first. I appreciated that she was trying to get past this prickly stage.

  “To experience normal for once in my life. At least for a while.”

  She raised an eyebrow in question. Obviously not enough information.

  I sighed and continued. “My god parents live in Queens. I contacted them about a month ago. They offered me a place to stay until I start school In September in Boston.
I thought it’d be cool to see what a normal family is like. You know, family meals, meaningless squabbles, laughter and tears. That kind of thing.” I shrugged my shoulders. It sounded sort of dumb when I said it out loud.

  She studied me for a moment, her head cocked to the side as if trying to decipher some obscure Egyptian hieroglyphs.

  “Why Boston?” she asked without making a comment about my stupid desire for normalcy.

  “They’ve got a college for guys like me.”

  Again with the raised eyebrow. Man, wouldn’t she ever let stuff rest, did she have to know everything. Sighing I continued. “Guys who never finished High School. They’ll put me through remedial classes, get me caught up then feed me into the regular University.”

  There, I had gotten it out. I could feel my face grow warm. I hated talking about all this stuff. We’d discussed way too many things I decided to put a stop to it.

  “Come on,” I said as I started gathering dishes. “We need to get a move on I need to be in East Tennessee by nightfall.”

  “Isn’t that out of our way?” she asked as she finished washing the dishes.

  “Yeah a little, but I’ve got something I’ve got to do.”

  “What? Why do we need to?” She asked as she stared at me waiting for an answer. She probably thought I was doing it to get back at her for pushing me away the night before.

  My shoulders slumped in defeat. I didn’t need something else blowing up. Best just surrender and move on.

  “I need to visit my mom’s grave.” I said.

  Sasha gasped and held her hand to her mouth as if she was trying to retrieve her words. Then her brow furrowed. “Why today?”

  “It’s her birthday, or would have been,” I said as I loaded the last of our supplies. “I haven’t been there since we left and I need to do this. Today. So please no hassles all right? Not today.”

  She slowly nodded her head and I swear her eyes got a little misty. She saw me staring and quickly turned away to retrieve her backpack.

  At least we’d gotten past that prickly stage. Now we were into that emotional contemplative stage. Just as painful but for different reasons. Great, like I said, it was going to be a long ride.

  Chapter Ten

  Michael

  We were mid-way into Missouri when I pulled in for gas. The morning had been quiet. Each of us lost in our own thoughts. I pumped the gas while she made a quick dash for the restroom. She came back and started making sandwiches while I made a quick run. On the way back I stopped to pick up a couple of snacks. A peace offering.

  What would she like I wondered. Chocolate. Every girl likes chocolate, right? I was perusing the candy aisle when something on the store’s bulletin board caught the corner of my eye.

  Sasha, smiling at the camera like she didn’t have a care in the world.

  It was a poster with Sasha’s face plastered all over it. Asking anyone who had seen this girl to please call the listed phone number. She was dressed in a nice dress, short heels. It look like it had been taken at some back yard party. A festive air seemed to hang around her like an Italian shawl.

  How many of these were out there. Had her father plastered the entire country? How rich was this guy?

  Glancing out the window I compared the girl closing our cooler and the picture on the wall. Yep, no mistake, it was her. My stomach dropped and my mouth went bone dry.

  Springing out the door I stopped myself from yelling. No need to bring attention to ourselves. A farmer was filling his truck, a mother was walking towards the store with two kids in tow. Please, I whispered to myself. Do not see the drop dead gorgeous girl bent over the back of my truck.

  Of course the farmer couldn’t fail to see. His eyes were locked on her backside like a hawk on a prairie dog. It took an extreme amount of control not to go over there and knock him into next Tuesday.

  “Get in the truck. Now,” I hissed as I came up behind her and started steering her towards the front. My hand burned where I touched her waist but I didn’t pull it away.

  “What? Why?” she asked as she grabbed the food and started towards her door.

  “I’ll explain in a minute, just get in and keep you head down.”

  Her eyes grew as big as hubcaps as she scanned the parking lot to identify the threat. I’ve got to give it to her. She didn’t hesitate, didn’t make a big deal about it. Instead she slipped into my truck and scooted down in the seat.

  “We should have gotten hair dye,” I said as I climbed in to join her.

  “Huh?”

  “When we bought the food. We should have gotten hair dye for your hair. It sticks out like a spotlight on a moonless night.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “There’s a poster in the store with your picture on it, a number to call, and an offer of reward. It’s probably sitting in every store and gas station between here and Philadelphia.”

  Her face drained of color and her eyes grew big as she stared back at me. We were screwed. It was only a matter of time until someone recognized her.

  “Your dad, how rich is he?” I asked. “He’s probably got a hundred people scouring every highway and byway looking for you.”

  I scanned my rearview mirror to see if anyone was following us. All the time thinking about that farmer. Had he been staring at Sasha trying to determine if she was the girl on the poster? Who else had seen her?

  “Maybe no one recognized me. We’ve only made a few stops. I haven’t drawn any attention to myself.”

  “Oh Sunshine, you couldn’t not draw attention to yourself, every man who sees you is going to remember. And every woman who is with a man who sees you is going to remember and not be happy about it.”

  She saw me scanning my trail and turned to look. “Is anyone following us?” she asked.

  “No, not that I can see. Maybe they’re calling that number though. The one on the poster.”

  My heart beat faster as my hands gripped the wheel tight. This was so wrong. She deserved to see her mom. She’d been through enough in life. Sasha didn’t need to be stopped. It wasn’t fair. Besides, it had become personal. At some point in the last few days it had become a contest between myself and her dad. I was going to get her there no matter what.

  Slowly the tension ebbed away as no black BMWs tore out of the station after us. I sighed in relief. Maybe we were clear, not completely, but enough to relax. We continued on. Sasha handed me a sandwich and we ate in silence. Each of us thinking about the new wrinkle.

  “I could cut over to the back roads but it would add a day or two and there’s no guarantee that he hasn’t had his people put them out there too.”

  “Knowing my dad, he has. He’s very thorough and a bit obsessive. Besides, you’ve done enough. I don’t want to slow you down. You need to get on with your life and away from my drama.”

  .o0o.

  East Tennessee hadn’t changed. It was still like I remembered it. Tall trees, winding mountain roads and muggy.

  “Do you know where to go?” she asked.

  “Yeah, I was only six, but I remember. It’s just up here.”

  Sure enough, Eternal Rest cemetery was where they left it next to the Baptist church. I pulled in and started up the long drive. The ground were well maintained. That made me smile. Mom would have liked that. She hated disorder. She also liked green grass. I could remember her laying on a towel on green grass. I don’t remember where, but I could remember the smile on her face.

  At last I found the spot. I-207. I remembered the number from when they buried her. I don’t know why it stuck but I don’t think I will ever be able to forget it. I pulled to the side of the road and froze for a moment as I gathered myself.

  “Can I come?” Sasha asked with a meek voice as if afraid to interrupt me.

  “Sure, she’d have liked you.” I said and Sasha beamed back at me as if I had said the perfect thing.

  We got out and started up the hill. Sasha reached forward and took my hand, giving it a s
mall squeeze of support.

  “Should we have gotten flowers?” she asked.

  I shook my head. “No, Mom hated flowers. She had allergies. She used to say that East Tennessee was the worst place for her but it was just too beautiful to leave.”

  Sasha smiled and gave my hand another squeeze as I came to a stop before plot I-207.

  Julie Travers

  Wife, Mother, Friend

  1974 – 2004

  Sasha squeezed my hand a third time then let it go to step back and give me a moment alone. I felt a loss without her hand in mine.

  What did I say, what did I do? I had a million questions and there were a million things I wanted to tell her. Dad, the band, Sasha. How much I missed her. All of it.

  Reaching back I pulled Sasha forward and said, “Hi Mom. Happy Birthday. It’s been awhile. This is my friend Sasha. You’d like her. She’s tough as nails and as pretty as a sunset.”

  Her cheeks turned pink as she dipped her head.

  “I didn’t bring flowers. I remembered how much you hated them. But I did bring something else. I remembered your rock collections. Do you remember that? You used to keep a glass vase full of pretty stones. I’d stare at it for hours.

  “Well, I brought you this pretty pink stone I found on the beach at Corona del mar. I saw it laying in the sand and I thought of you. I think of you all the time by the way. So here,” I said as I laid the rock on top of her tomb stone.

  “I found this one at a campsite in Flagstaff Arizona just a couple of days ago.” I said as I pulled another rock from my pocket. “It has streaks of blue turquoise in it. The same color of your eyes when you smiled. You smiled a lot Mom. Thank you for that, for teaching me how to smile.”

  Sasha wiped a tear away. Great. If she started crying I’d start. Biting my lip I reached into my pocket. And pulled out the last rock.