The Truth Is a Theory

by Karyn Bristol

  She climbed into the shower, hoping to be in and out and dressed before Gavin came home. She hated being naked in front of him now. She hated being pregnant in front of herself for that matter, and perhaps (although she was afraid to think it) she just hated being pregnant. I love the baby, she thought in a rush, afraid that someone might read her mind and scorn her; it was already fully entrenched in her heart. Its fully entrenched position in her body was the problem. She was just not one of those women who reveled in being pregnant. When she stumbled on magazine articles like “Sensuous and Sexy, The Untold Pregnancy Bonus!” in which perky celebrities waxed on about their pregnant bodies and revealed that they felt so much more sexy in the family way—and that P.S. their husbands agreed—well, she wondered what planet they could be living on. They certainly couldn’t be carrying an active human in their giant bellies.

  She had to admit, that although she didn’t think Gavin would describe her as sexy, he seemed oblivious to her growing girth. He had doted on her for the past seven months, heroically alleviating her discomfort with back rubs, loving words, and once in a while, surprise weekend getaways. The baby, just the idea of it, had transformed him into Gene Kelly—tap dancing with a delirious smile while putting the laundry away or taking out the garbage. In bed at night he would often whisper to her belly, an intimate act that nearly moved her to tears with its sweetness, and swathed her whole world with promise.

  But when she was alone, she slumped into her enormity. She became her stomach, pasting her mother’s “fat” label across her own forehead. She had grown up watching strangers’ eyes glaze over when they were introduced to Ann; in response, her mother would yank her coat or sweater more tightly around herself. Tess never knew if this was to cover herself up or to remind herself that she was real. Either way, it wasn’t the stuff that creates healthy self-esteem, or a healthy marriage; Tess’s father’s eyes were equally glazed over. Tess was terrified that privately, under the singing-in-the-rain, Gavin was just as disregarding.

  She toweled off and waddled over to her closet, selecting a huge tent of a shirt and black maternity pants—shapeless, stretchy things with a spandex panel instead of a zipper. She heard the door slam downstairs and she tugged on her shirt and stepped into the gigantic white maternity underwear.

  “Hi honey.” Gavin walked into the room and threw his tie down on the bed. “How’re you doing?”

  “Okay.” She grimaced. “For a circus freak.”

  Gavin laughed, which elicited a laugh from Tess. “Sorry,” she said, letting the humor purge some of her negativity. “Being hugely naked in the bathroom brings out the beast in me.”

  “Sounds interesting.” He grinned as he stepped towards her.

  “Get out of here!” She giggled and swatted at him. “We’ve got to get ready to go.”

  “I know. It was just the image of you naked; I thought maybe we could be late.”

  “Don’t forget the word in front of naked: hugely,” Tess said, sitting down on the bed to pull on her pants.

  “Naked any way, anytime sounds good to me,” he said, and he kissed her on the forehead before disappearing into the bathroom.

  “It may sound good to you, but the reality is a little frightening,” Tess muttered.

  “I heard that!”

  “Okay. I’m leaving the attitude here. Hurry up, Allie said 7:30.”

  ————

  An hour later, Dana and Allie were seated and quietly perusing their menus as if they were studying The New York Times. When Tess and Gavin arrived, Allie leapt up out of the silence and hugged them both. Dana and Gavin shook hands, and then Tess walked over and kissed Dana.

  “Meg called,” Allie said as she sat back down and happily relinquished her menu. “She and Jared are going to be a little late. And I haven’t heard from Zoe, but I always assume she’s going to be late.” Allie watched Tess’s face shift ever-so-slightly at the mention of Zoe’s name. “So we might want to order an appetizer if we’re all hungry.”

  “Starving is now my permanent state,” Tess said. She fiddled with her gold necklace. “Is Zoe bringing anyone?”

  “She wasn’t sure.”

  Gavin opened his mouth as if to say something, and then closed it.

  Dana leaned back in his chair. “Well, it always adds entertainment when she does. Conversation for tonight’s dinner and the next few to come.”

  “Remember that last guy? What was his name? Vic?” Gavin smiled. “The guy who couldn’t stop petting her?”

  Dana laughed. “Like she was an exotic poodle or something.”

  “I can’t believe Zoe made it all the way through dinner without biting his head off,” Allie said.

  “And remember that guy who scowled all night?” Tess said.

  “Except when he had the chance to talk about himself,” Gavin said.

  “He was bad,” Dana said. “At least The Petter was interested in her. I’m not sure what The Scowler brought to the table.”

  Tess turned to Allie. “Have you met the new man?”

  “No, but I’ve heard a little. You know Zoe, she’s never excited enough about anyone to color in the details.” Allie shrugged and her eyes shot to Gavin. It was reflex; although Zoe didn’t talk about it, Allie knew that she still had feelings for him. She and Gavin caught eyes; Allie looked away, embarrassed, as if she had just stumbled in on something intimate. Their discomfort spread between on the tablecloth between them like the soak of spilled red wine.

  “Or they’re spun through her revolving door and the details are lost in the blur.” Tess snickered.

  The other three politely guffawed and picked up their menus.

  “Did I spy new shoes?” Allie asked Tess.

  Tess stuck her black-sandaled foot out beyond the table. “Shoes are the only thing I can buy right now in my regular size.”

  “You’re lucky,” Allie said. “My feet grew during pregnancy and never shrunk back.”

  As if on cue, the men turned to each other and started talking about sports.

  Tess groaned. “I swear if that happens to me I’m throwing in the towel.”

  “That bad, huh?”

  “Like a Mack Truck.”

  “You don’t look like one.” Allie reached across and squeezed Tess’s hand. “Just a few more weeks.”

  “I am so ready.”

  Allie stifled an, “Enjoy the peace while you can,” and instead said, “Me too; so’s Matthew. When he heard we were going to see you tonight, he wanted to come and see the baby.”

  “How’s my favorite little man?”

  “He’s awesome,” Allie said. “Chatting up a storm.”

  Movement near the table caused Allie to look up. “Ah, the newlyweds!” she said with a wide grin.

  Chairs scraped back in unison as the girls leapt up to hug the couple; Dana and Gavin kissed Megan on the cheek and shook hands with Jared.

  “How was the rest of your honeymoon?” Tess asked, as Jared pulled out Megan’s chair. “We all wanted to stay with you!”

  “Amazing,” Megan said as she settled into her chair. “We didn’t want to come back either.”

  The waitress appeared with her pad, and everyone’s attention veered to beverages and appetizers. Allie peeked at her best friend and was relieved to see her glowing, a combination of the Caribbean sun and possibly the peace that came with finally committing to Jared. After many months apart, Megan had realized that the answer to the can’t-live-without-him question didn’t have to involve urgency and anguish, it could just be a simple fact: she didn’t want to be without him. She had decided that their love could create its own kind of fire, the kind that kept you warm on a frigid, snowy night. And it obviously did, as soon after they reunited, they were scrambling to organize a small, casual wedding in the British Virgin Islands due to the yet-to-be-showing, but certainly extenuating c
ircumstances.

  Allie watched Megan reach out and squeeze Jared’s hand, and she swallowed a lump of envy. Her green eyes flicked to Dana, ordering calamari from the waitress. She loved him deeply, but differently now after 11 years and two children. The spark, the giggle was all but extinguished, and whether it was a temporary outage or a permanent loss, they now plodded, as opposed to danced, through life. She didn’t know if it was a normal evolution or something that was just happening to the two of them.

  As the waitress rushed away with a promise to be back with their drinks, everyone at the table leaned in to hear Megan and Jared’s tales of cloudless days, water sports, and gourmet food.

  “Stop! Don’t tell me any more, I can’t stand it,” Allie leaned back. “It’s been so long since we’ve been on a vacation.”

  “You don’t consider every day in our new kitchen a vacation?” Dana said.

  “I seem to be missing the five-star service piece.”

  “You are the five-star service piece.” Dana smiled.

  “More conventionally called the maid.” She heard the edge in her tone and bit the inside of her cheek.

  Dana glanced at his wife and cocked his head.

  Megan jumped in. “I’m expecting homemade chocolates on our pillow the next time we stay in your guest room.”

  “Absolutely,” Dana turned to Megan, “although payment for the turn-down service is a tour with Gillian’s night duty. What is it these days Allie, two times a night?”

  “Oh, God. Don’t tell me,” Tess said. “After 10 months you’re still getting up twice a night? When does that stop?”

  “Ask Gillian,” Allie said.

  “There’s nothing you can do?” Tess’s mouth hung open.

  Dana patted Gavin’s shoulder. “Get ready to give up all control.”

  Gavin reached for his drink. Tess laughed, but it sounded like a panicked cough.

  “Hi everyone,” Zoe sang out as she slung her black leather purse over a chair. “My date’s behind me, he saw some ass to kiss at the bar. Please tell me we’re not going to talk about babies all night.”

  Once again everyone rose to hug, a veritable do-si-do of quickly switching partners.

  “I’ll see if I can dredge through my attic files for another topic of conversation,” Allie said as she kissed Zoe.

  “How was that party the other night?” Megan asked Allie as they all sat back down.

  “Let’s just say I needed a night out with my friends who knew me back when.”

  “Should I finish that sentence?” Zoe said. They all laughed, Dana a little less heartily.

  A tall man with dark hair and an air of confidence appeared at the table. Zoe smiled. “Everyone, this is Doug.” She flicked her hand to indicate the group. “Doug, everyone.”

  All eyes scanned his left hand as they introduced themselves.

  “So, what, is everyone here pregnant?” Zoe raised her eyebrows and fired a scowl at Tess. “Where are the cocktails?”

  “Ordered and hopefully arriving any minute. Sorry Tess, but I really need a drink,” Allie said, hoping, as always, to soften the tension between Zoe and Tess.

  Gavin twisted around for the waitress and waved her over to take Zoe’s drink order.

  Tess rubbed the pendant on her necklace. “Zoe, you look great.” Her words floated across the table like a sigh.

  “Tess has cute new shoes,” Allie said.

  “Oh,” Tess stuck her feet farther under the table. “They’re nothing special.”

  “So Doug,” Megan said, “do you work with Zoe?”

  “Doug is my married boss,” Zoe said.

  The buzz at the table died as if someone had pushed stop, and then Doug guffawed. “Actually, I’m divorced. And in a different division.” He looked at Zoe like she was an amusing child.

  “For a moment there I thought you’d learned nothing from Megan and Jared’s boss/assistant dilemma,” Allie said.

  “What we learned there was that true love prevailed,” Zoe said. Her blue eyes sought Gavin’s, and trembled there for a moment.

  Allie noticed Tess’s eyes move slowly between Gavin and Zoe, and back again. Then she put her hand over her stomach and was very still.

  The waitress plunked down drinks and appetizers.

  Zoe held up her martini in a toast. “Here’s to a new baby,” she looked at Tess and Gavin, “a new marriage,” she looked at Megan and Jared, “a new kitchen,” she looked at Allie and Dana, “and a new drink.” She chuckled and took a big gulp.

  Doug raised his glass and smirked. “I guess I’m in the new drink category.”

  Megan cleared her throat. “And one more thing.” Everyone turned to her. “Add another baby to that toast.” Megan beamed and reached for Jared’s hand. Jared leaned over and kissed her.

  Zoe stared at Megan. “Wow.”

  Allie smiled; she had known the news. “Congratulations.”

  “Ten weeks,” Megan said. “So unbeknownst to most of you, you attended a shotgun wedding.”

  “I wish we’d known that. We might not have come,” Gavin said with a twinkle in his eye.

  Tess rolled her eyes at Gavin.

  “Congratulations Meg,” Zoe said quietly to Megan. “Wow. Another baby.” Then with more of a public flourish, she joked to the table, “I guess it’s contagious.” She raised her glass again. “Catch the glow.”

  Allie caught Gavin’s quick glance at Zoe.

  Zoe turned to Doug. “Don’t worry though, I prefer to catch my glow from other sources.” She finished the rest of her drink in one smooth swallow.

  Dana helped himself to fried calamari, and the movement broke the conversation up into small groups. Allie, who was sitting next to Zoe, leaned in and asked, “Are you okay?”

  “Sorry, I had a couple of drinks before I came. Couldn’t do it on a sober heart, you know? Don’t mind me. How are you?”

  “Well, it’s hard not to mind you, but I’m fine.”

  “Are you?” Zoe stared intently into her friend’s eyes. “I’m hearing fine, but I’m not so sure I’m seeing fine in your eyes.”

  “I forget that you have paranormal powers. Things are… I don’t know what’s wrong with me to tell you the truth. But basically fine.”

  “You know, you say fine and I say fine, and we just add to the giant myth that everything’s great for everyone else and we’re the only ones who can’t quite cut it. Sometimes the brave face isn’t the most useful.”

  “You’re right.” Allie did a double-take. “Such insight.”

  “It’s the alcohol talking.” She chuckled. “Don’t tell anyone.”

  “We need a date. It’s been too long since we’ve talked.”

  “I know. In the meantime, have a drink.” Zoe pushed Allie’s wine closer to her. “I don’t want to be the only one making loud and inappropriate comments at the table. And get a job. It gives you something to talk about when what’s really on your mind won’t do.” Zoe flashed a grin.

  Allie ran her finger along the stem of her glass. “I can’t get a job. Matthew and Gillian are too young.”

  Zoe sighed. “I don’t know how you do it. I’d be bored out of my mind.”

  “No you wouldn’t.” Allie touched Zoe’s arm. “Not if they were your kids.”

  “What’s this about getting a job?” Tess jumped in. “You’re not going to leave me hanging after I’ve gone ahead and quit now are you?”

  Allie shook her head.

  “You quit?” Megan said.

  “I did,” Tess said with an excited twinkle. “I’ve been flip-flopping for so long, but as D-Day approaches… due date,” she said to Jared who looked perplexed, “it just seems like the pros of being home with this little bambino outweighed the cons. You know, going for walks in the park versus managing a client’s tantrum over the fac
t that some magazine didn’t mention their product in the ‘Got To Have It For Summer’ article. It was really a no-brainer.” She sighed. “And Lord knows, I could use a vacation.”

  Allie smiled at the idea that a newborn was a vacation.

  “What about you, Meg? Now that you guys are going to be changing diapers every five minutes, do you think you’ll quit?” Zoe said, spilling her drink a little.

  “Oh God. I… we haven’t really thought about it.” She paused. “But that being said, I love my job. I can’t imagine leaving it.”

  “Maybe I’ll stay home with the baby,” Jared said.

  Everyone but Jared chuckled.

  ————

  Gavin, who was sitting with Tess on his right and Zoe across from him, was becoming concerned about how much Zoe had obviously had to drink. Ever since her abortion, he felt responsible for her. Maybe it was the “I love you” she had exhaled so long ago; maybe it was their long history; maybe it was the bowling ball of guilt he carried around, guilt and shame around how very close he had come to hurting Tess, and Zoe, and himself. He was trying to make that up to Tess by being a good husband. He tried to make it up to Zoe by being a good friend.

  They still saw each other for drinks once in a while, but their relationship stayed planted in the public arena—drinks, conversation, end of story. He was just as attracted to her, and all else being zero he’d jump at the chance to be with her. But all else wasn’t zero now. He had made a vow to Tess, and he was happy to know that it truly mattered to him.

  The last time they met for drinks, Zoe had had one (or really several) too many; not all that unusual for Zoe, especially lately. What had been unusual was that for the first time since her abortion, she’d climbed out of her emotional straightjacket and become pretty loose. At one point in the conversation, Gavin mentioned that Tess was feeling uncomfortable in the last days of her pregnancy, and Zoe had responded lasciviously, “Which must make you pretty uncomfortable.”