The Truth Is a Theory

by Karyn Bristol

  He had had another frenetic day at the office. The morning had started with his boss berating him about an unhappy client, and the day hadn’t improved after that. He had worked right through lunch, placating his empty stomach at four o’clock with another cup of coffee and a semi-crusty muffin from an earlier meeting, and he hadn’t come up for air until he noticed that it was getting dark. And he was late again.

  He should’ve called right then. But he knew she’d be mad, and the funny thing was, he understood; he just didn’t think he could handle hearing it right then. Of course he knew that by not calling he was making it worse, but his head was pounding, his stomach was grumbling, and in that particular moment, procrastinating felt like the best option.

  Now, not so much.

  The bang of the screen door closing behind him set off an instant reaction inside the house, and he was tackled with the fresh aroma of baby shampoo and the slightly damp and pajama-ed kids that went with it. He laughed; a deep, joyful sound. To be barraged like this at the end of the day was something he looked forward to throughout the long commute home. He let all the petty and monumental pressures from the office ease off of his shoulders for a moment as Matthew and Gillian, like puppies, jumped and climbed all over him, reclaiming him. Dana growled like a bear as the three of them rolled around on the floor in the ecstasy of their reunion.

  After a brief wrestling match, he tucked one child under each arm, and tread carefully into the kitchen to greet Allie, who was at the stove, stir-frying vegetables.

  “Hey,” he said to her, a tentative smile on his lips as he tested the mood in the room. Feeling the air heavy with what he assumed was anger, his kiss hello—never intended to be a passionate embrace in the first place—was decidedly perfunctory.

  “Hi.” She glanced over her shoulder at him, then back to the vegetables.

  “Sorry I’m late.” Dana felt impotent, then defensive as he spoke to her back.

  The kids scrambled out from under his hold and scampered away.

  Allie turned around to face him, the spatula in her hand raised like a weapon. But her tone was more tired than angry. “It’s okay.”

  He wondered where she had tucked her anger, and whether it was going to resurface at another time.

  “How was your day?” Dana said.

  She turned back to the stove. “Fine.” She reached for the salt and sprinkled the vegetables. “Busy.”

  He opened the refrigerator and took out a beer.

  “Gillian discovered that markers work not only on paper, but also on the walls,” Allie said.

  “Oh no,” Dana smiled into the safe discussion. “Was the artwork permanent?”

  “No. I scrubbed it off.” She glanced over her shoulder at him. “How was your day?”

  “Busy too.” His stories from work charred and died away under what he thought he heard in her tone: You have it easier; you don’t know what it’s like all day with these guys. “I didn’t even stop for lunch.”

  “I’m sorry,” Allie said without remorse in her voice. She turned off the burner under the sizzling vegetables. “Lunch with these guys was a whine fest. Without the benefit of alcohol.”

  Here they were again, engaged in a subtle contest as to whose job, whose day was harder. He felt like Allie had no idea how stressful his days were, but the more tension there was between them, the less he wanted to share with her. He worried that anything too lighthearted might come back to handicap him in the future, and that any serious worries would be met and dismissed by something stressful from her day.

  Matthew and Gillian tore back into the room and the next hour was spent reading stories, brushing teeth, tucking and re-tucking them into bed, and putting together the rest of their own dinner. When they at last sat down to eat, Allie and Dana filled in the bites of silence with edited pieces from the day, and finally, exhausted, they collapsed in front of the television to let someone else’s drama take the forefront for a while.

  ————

  Allie sat in the bustling restaurant waiting for Tess, happily people watching, reveling in fact that she was in the middle of commotion and that none of it required her. She wondered what Tess needed to talk to her about, and assumed that it had something to do with Juliette, as Tess often called Allie with baby questions. I’m now the resident child-rearing expert. Incredible.

  She watched Tess glide through the restaurant towards her, smiling at people as she passed, turning heads of others, and was struck by her friend’s meet-the-world posture, her walk just shy of a swagger.

  Tess slid into the chair opposite Allie with a huge grin on her freckled face.

  “Wow, I know said this the other day at the pool, but you look amazing. A manicure, even. Whatever you’re doing, you need to share the secret,” Allie said.

  If possible, Tess’s grin grew even wider. “Okay.” And, as if it was gushing up out of her chest independently, she leaned across the table and lowered her voice. “I’m having an affair.”

  Stunned, Allie twitched back a fraction, away from this news, this piece of information she had not been expecting. Her eyes dropped to her wineglass as she tried to regain her bearings, to reconcile the shot of conflicting emotions she was feeling—alarm and a surprising thrill, thrill not only for Tess, but a vicarious one. Then, knowing she needed to respond to her dear friend’s news flash, she looked back up and took her cue from Tess’s beaming face. She smiled. “Nothing like coming straight to the point.”

  “Sorry, I couldn’t contain it. I mean, I literally can’t contain myself. I feel like an idiot because I’m walking around all day with this ridiculous shit-eating grin on my face.”

  A waiter hovered nearby and Tess said, “Chardonnay,” to his as-yet-unasked question.

  Allie noted the uncharacteristic snip; Tess was always over-the-top congenial to everyone. She usually waxed on and on to every random waiter, salesgirl, and taxi driver she shared a moment with. Not tonight, apparently. Allie nodded towards her own full glass, “I’m okay, thanks.” The waiter moved off.

  “Yeah, you look ecstatic,” Allie said. “But it’s not ridiculous; it looks good on you.” She paused, examining her friend. “Not that it seems like you need a lot of prompting, but tell me, who is he?”

  “A guy from work, Rob. And okay, we’re not actually having an affair —at least no one’s gotten naked yet. I just like the taste of the word in my mouth. It’s more an affair of the heart right now.”

  Allie’s initial pangs of concern receded a little, and the voice-lowered attitude of collusion emerged in their wake. “Flowery memos and sweet serenades by the copy machine?”

  “Nothing that poetic, or that out of the ordinary even. God, Allie, he makes me feel so good. He can do that with just a glance, a look from clear across the room. He has this way of looking at me—it’s hypnotic really—as if he is truly seeing me, thinking about me. It makes me feel so substantial. Not substantial here,” she grabbed the sides of her stomach, “which is how I usually feel, but substantial as a person. Like I’m a complex mystery that needs puzzling; like in a crowded room, I’m the one that matters.”

  Allie sipped her wine; she could imagine the flush of someone rediscovering her. And maybe in the process, the flush of rediscovering herself.

  “We started working together after I went back and,” she shrugged, “we just connected.”

  The waiter placed a glass of wine in front of Tess. “Thanks,” Allie said, looking up at the waiter.

  “He compliments me all the time, not only my work, but me.” Tess reached for her wine. “It feels like harmless flirting with a chance card.”

  “And is that what it is? Harmless?”

  Tess paused, her glass in the air. Then she put it down like a gavel. “Yes. Nothing’s happened.” After a moment, she smiled. “Although the idea of it, the promise of it is so seductive.”

&nbs
p; Allie nodded.

  Tess continued, “The… ‘thrill’ is the word I keep coming back to… the thrill I now feel, all day long, even when he’s not around, is incredibly energizing. I’m ultra-aware of my body, of the way I move, of my hips swaying when I walk in a room. I feel sexy. Honestly, I feel like a teenager picking out my outfits in the morning.”

  “And the chance card?”

  “The chance card.” Tess blushed; her cadence became slower. “We’ve been out to dinner a few times. And I think both of us know that the potential for more is right there on the table, like the salt. One of us just needs to reach for it.”

  “So what’s stopping you?”

  Tess held Allie’s eyes. “You mean besides Gavin?” Tess’s mouth was a straight line, the sparkle from a moment ago substantially tarnished.

  Allie nodded. She hadn’t heard a lot of Gavin in the conversation’s undertow. Of course there was Gavin, but she could tell there was something else. Although Allie was hoping that it was simply the import and weight of Gavin that was holding Tess back. She could easily imagine being mesmerized by that kind of attention and electricity, and she prayed that if she found herself in a similar position, she wouldn’t need anything other than Dana to give her pause.

  Tess hesitated, and Allie filled in the momentary silence with a solemn, “He’s married too.”

  Tess nodded. “Three kids.”

  “And what’s the deal with his marriage?” Allie avoided asking Tess about her own marriage; they would get there when Tess was ready.

  “He says they’ve just grown apart; nothing more dramatic, nothing less significant. There are no plans for divorce, which is fine. I don’t want that.”

  “What do you want?”

  Tess sighed, her giddy glow now extinguished as they stepped deeper into the conversation. “I don’t know. Right now this just feels so good. And nothing’s happened,” she said again with her chin lifted. Then her chin dropped. “But I know it’s wrong. Believe me, I know it’s wrong. Right now we’re consciously speeding, but keeping it steady at 10 miles an hour over the limit so that no one will pull us over.”

  Allie nodded. There was a part of her that wished she were speeding too. She so often found herself driving down a one-lane road, silently cursing the car in front of her for driving so damn slow, only to glance at the speedometer and realize she was going the speed limit.

  “But Allie, I don’t want to stop. I feel good about myself in a way I haven’t felt in a long time. He makes me feel,” Tess blushed again, “like a siren that invades his thoughts and cramps his focus. I’ve never been that woman before, the kind of woman that drives men wild. It’s empowering.”

  “And Gavin? You don’t think Gavin thinks of you like that?”

  Allie watched Tess’s face slowly fall, all of the features pulled down by her frown like a Venetian Blind. “Gavin?” Her brow creased; she shook her head. “I don’t think so. With Gavin I’m a frazzled, frantic mother, and not a much better wife.” She took a big gulp of wine and looked at Allie. “I love Gavin, you know that. But no, I’m not that woman for him. At least not now. And maybe not ever.”

  “What do you mean, not ever? You guys met and that was it. Classic love at first sight.”

  “Gavin thinks of me in sweats with unshaven legs.” She smiled weakly, “He doesn’t see the brilliant, attractive, successful woman I am at work.”

  Allie reached across the table and gave Tess’s hand a squeeze.

  “I know what you’re thinking. Why not ditch the sweats, shave the legs?” Tess said.

  “Actually I was thinking: wasn’t that what we dreamed of when we were younger, someone who loved us even at our worst?”

  Tess took another big gulp, finishing her wine. “I’m just going to get drunk here, do you mind?” She waved the waiter over.

  “We’ll have some calamari too. Thanks,” Allie said to him. She looked at Tess. “We should eat something.”

  “I do shave my legs,” Tess said. She absently fingered her gold necklace and sighed. “I imagine presenting myself to Gavin in a sexy teddy and it feels so contrived. I would feel ridiculous.”

  Allie looked at Tess and said gently, “It’s not like I’m prancing around in sexy lingerie right now either. But there’s a lot in between Frederick’s of Hollywood and Hanes.”

  “I know, but I can only imagine it with Rob, not with Gavin. Why is that? I fantasize about telling Rob to touch me a certain way and it feels sexy. I think about telling Gavin the same thing, and I’m embarrassed, I can’t do it. I might hurt his feelings; maybe he’d think I haven’t liked the way he’s been touching me all along.”

  “I know what you mean,” Allie said. “Our sex life is good—great sometimes—but it’s definitely choreographed. Which makes it easy, I guess. Time efficient. And we definitely never brainstorm. But that’s my fault too.”

  They were quiet for a minute, each looking down at the table.

  “Let’s face it, Gavin’s had a lot of women in his life,” Tess said. “And sometimes I think he married me because I represent something different, something safe, warm, comforting. Not Madonna, but the Madonna.” She looked at Allie. “I’m not the wild passion in his life.”

  “How come you’re just telling me all this now? I thought all was great with you guys.”

  “Maybe I didn’t want to admit it to myself. Maybe the affair is giving me confidence.” Tess glanced around the restaurant, then looked back at Allie and leaned in. “Look, it’s common knowledge that Gavin was a cheater before he met me. We could come up with lots of names, and those would only be the ones we know about.” The waiter arrived with their wine and started to pour. “What’s stopping him from cheating on me now?”

  Allie glanced at the waiter, who was pretending not to hear that last comment. He finished pouring their wine and scuttled away.

  “Tess, really? You really think that?”

  Tess shifted uncomfortably in her chair. “See? I gain a pound just thinking about it.” She exhaled loudly. “I’m just going to say this, and please don’t get mad, just hear me out.” She took another big swallow of wine. “I think he’s cheating on me,” She held Allie’s eyes, “with Zoe.”

  “No.” Allie leaned forward to emphasize her point but Tess cut her off.

  “I know it sounds outrageous, paranoid even. But there’s something going on with them. What’s with the fact that they’re friends now, that they meet after work for a drink?” She shook her head. “I just don’t get that.”

  “I don’t know,” Allie said slowly. “But maybe they are just friends now; water under the bridge and all that. There’s a lot of history there. But they’re not having an affair, they can’t be. Gavin wouldn’t do that to you. Neither would Zoe, for that matter.”

  Tess raised her eyebrows.

  “Zoe’s not cruel,” Allie said. “I know there’s been this weird thing between you guys, I guess ever since college. But she wouldn’t do that. And I’d know it if she was.” Allie was certain. She knew Zoe was still in love with Gavin, but she couldn’t believe that she would act on it.

  “Like you say, there’s so much history there. And from what little Gavin’s told me, that history was pretty wild. Does that just go away?” Tess ran her fingers up and down the gold chain around her neck. Up and down.

  “What does Gavin say about it?” Allie asked.

  Tess guffawed. “He’ll come home and tell me he’s had a drink with her, like there’s nothing wrong with it, and I just want to shriek at him. Doesn’t he know how that makes me feel?”

  “So what do you say?”

  “Nothing,” Tess shook her head and looked at the table. “I don’t want to be a bitch. And Zoe’s a friend, which would make me sound even more bitchy. So I probably smile and ask him how it was, how she was. But inside my blood is boiling and all kinds of alarms are
going off.” She exhaled. “And then my imagination takes over and I envision Gavin in Zoe’s Chanel life. It makes mine feel so Walmart.”

  “Have you talked to Gavin about any of this?”

  “What’s he going to do, admit it? I’d just sound like a crazy, paranoid wife. Which maybe I am.” She paused. “Plus, how can I accuse him now?”

  Allie didn’t answer. There were now so many issues on the table she didn’t know which one to tackle.

  Tess jumped in for her. “So we’re full circle, and even to me it sounds like I’m having this little… flirt, for lack of a better word… with Rob because I want to get back at Gavin. And maybe it’s true, at least maybe a little. Or maybe Gavin’s cheating just gave me license to do what I wanted to do.” She twisted her necklace. “But it feels more about timing. I wasn’t looking for something to happen, it just did. Rob came along and made me feel good at the precise time when I couldn’t remember what that felt like, either within my marriage or within myself. I was buried under all this weight, both figuratively and literally, and I think I just felt… heavy.”

  Allie held Tess’s eyes. “So what are you going to do?” she asked softly.

  “I don’t know.”

  “You still love Gavin?”

  “I still love Gavin. God I still love him. And I wish with all my heart that it was Gavin who made me feel this way. And I’m so mad at him that it’s not.”

  “Then you have to talk to him. This whole Gavin-cheating scenario isn’t fact. You’re making yourself crazy about a rumor, although you’re the only one who’s heard it. But maybe you’ve been whispering it to yourself for so long that it’s turned into truth.”

  Tess rubbed her forehead. She whispered, “I’m so afraid to ask him.” She closed her eyes. “What if it’s true?”

  Allie leaned towards her friend. “I’ve never for a minute thought Gavin was cheating on you. He loves you. And he loves Juliette. It’s going to be okay.” She desperately wanted to offer her friend reassurance, wisdom, but her words fell flat on the table—extra silverware, lame and useless. The silence however, was making her feel even more helpless. “And this thing with Rob? Don’t beat yourself up; if you’re like me you do too much of that already. Hell, I go to bed every night and berate myself for every ugly moment of the day.”