He Kills Me, He Kills Me Not

by LENA DIAZ,

  She shook her head. “It wasn’t his fault.”

  “Maybe he needs to hear that from you.”

  If that were true he’d have called her or come to see her when she was in the hospital instead of leaving that cowardly note. “I suppose he’s going back to New York.”

  “As far as I know, he’s staying in Shadow Falls. When I spoke to him this morning he didn’t mention anything about leaving.”

  She stared at him, genuinely shocked. “Are you saying he’s giving up being a police officer entirely? It’s in his blood. It’s who he is. How can he throw that away?”

  “Maybe you could ask him that question. I tried to change his mind but he wasn’t in a talkative mood. He’s lost weight, looks like he hasn’t been sleeping well.” He stared at her pointedly.

  Amanda squelched the little nugget of hope that tried to flare to life inside her. Logan wasn’t suffering because he missed her. If that were the case, all he had to do was pick up the phone and call her. No, Logan was suffering because of his misguided sense of honor and guilt. “Pierce, I understand what you’re trying to do, but it’s too late for Logan and me. He doesn’t love me. He made his feelings, or lack of them, perfectly clear in the note he left me at the hospital.”

  “He left you a note? He told you he didn’t love you?” He sounded incredulous.

  She straightened her spine, her face flaming with embarrassment. It certainly wasn’t flattering for the man you loved to dump you with pen and paper. “Not in those exact words, but that’s the way I took it.”

  “Hmm.”

  “You don’t sound like you believe me.”

  He shrugged. “I’m surprised he left you a note without telling you face-to-face. Maybe he was afraid you wouldn’t believe him if you saw his expression when he told a lie that big.”

  She frowned at him.

  Pierce shook his head, as if truly bewildered. “You may be right. All I can tell you is what I’ve seen, and from where I sit, you’re both crazy in love with each other and too stubborn to do anything about it.”

  She bit back the angry words she was tempted to say. Pierce didn’t know the pain of sitting in a hospital room for weeks, waiting for the person you loved to show, hoping he would finally realize how important you were to him. Pierce didn’t know, like she did, that the breach between her and Logan could never be healed. It took an enormous amount of love to go through everything they’d gone through without being torn apart. There was plenty of love from her side but apparently not from Logan’s.

  “Forgive me for pushing.” Pierce stood and reached out a hand to help her to her feet. “I had to try.”

  She punched him lightly in the arm. “You’re forgiven. I’m glad you came by. It was good to see you again.” She walked with him into the foyer.

  At the front door he paused, a curious expression on his face. “When I went to Logan’s house, he was on his deck with his back to me. He was talking on the phone and didn’t notice me at first. I couldn’t help but overhear his conversation. What he was talking about isn’t what I’d expect to hear from a man who supposedly doesn’t care about you.”

  She rolled her eyes at his unsubtle hint. “Go ahead, tell me what you really came here to say.”

  He gave her a sheepish grin. “Logan was arguing with his investment manager about making sure the money he’d transferred to your account couldn’t be traced back to him. He said he wanted to make sure you didn’t have to worry about finances while you were recovering.” He shrugged. “I figured that meant Logan cared about you. But you’re probably right. There must be another reason.”

  He winked and stepped out the door.

  Amanda shut the door behind him with a loud click. She could feel her face flushing with heat. She wasn’t sure who she was more annoyed with: Pierce, for goading her to see Logan, or Logan, for giving her money.

  Was he trying to assuage his misplaced sense of guilt by paying her off? They’d made love, shared themselves the most intimate way two people could, and then he’d paid her? What did he think that made her?

  Tears of hurt and anger burned the backs of her eyes. She paused in the archway between the foyer and the kitchen, and glanced at the clock on the stove. The taxi would be here soon. She wanted, needed, to see Logan one last time. No way was he going to ignore her, then send her money. He was going to hear how she felt about that, whether he wanted to or not.

  If she cancelled the taxi and drove herself to the airport from Logan’s house, she could still make her flight. It was a hassle. She’d have to put her car in short-term parking, something she’d hoped to avoid since a dealer was due to pick it up at her house tomorrow to sell it for her. She’d call the dealer from the airport and tell him to pick it up there. If she hurried, she could take care of everything and still be on her way to Tennessee to start her new life in just a few hours.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Amanda slowed her aging Honda and turned into Logan’s achingly familiar driveway. When his house came into view, she braked, unable to resist what might be her last look. Now that she knew that Logan had grown up here, it was so easy to picture an adorable, dark-haired little boy running around the expansive front porch, hurtling down the steps to the front yard, laughing and smiling as he chased his whirlwind of a sister in a game of tag.

  The sound of a hammer shattered the silence and destroyed the happy illusion. The sound was coming from the backyard. Amanda continued up the drive and parked on the side, in front of the detached garage. The hammering was louder now. Curious, she crossed to the small flight of stairs and slowly climbed the deck steps, careful not to pull her side.

  Pausing at the top, she wasn’t at all prepared to see Logan shirtless and glistening with sweat in a pair of khaki shorts. The hunger that jolted through her as she watched his muscles bunch with each swing of the hammer nearly undid her. She ached with the need to be held in his arms again, but the breach between them was too wide to ignore.

  He was on his knees, pounding a nail into a bright new piece of decking, and he hadn’t noticed her yet. There wasn’t a hint of rot in the discarded wood, and yet it looked like he was replacing most of the boards. Why would he tear up a perfectly good deck?

  The sudden silence had her looking back at Logan. He was still on his knees, but now he was leaning back, his hands braced on the tops of his thighs, watching her. No smile, no word of welcome. So much for her foolish fantasy that he’d beg her forgiveness for abandoning her when she needed him most.

  Her hands tightened into fists. The sound of crumpling paper reminded her why she’d come. She forced her hands to relax and she walked up to him. He still hadn’t blinked or moved, but his intense gaze locked on hers and he watched her like a hawk.

  When she was directly in front of him, she held up the piece of paper, the printout of her account balance. He grimaced and turned slightly pale.

  “It seems that a distant relative left me a small fortune,” she said. “Kind of puzzling since Mom and Dad never once mentioned any wealthy relatives on our sparse family tree.” She cocked her head sideways. “I don’t suppose you know anything about this, do you?”

  He sighed and climbed to his feet, towering over her and forcing her to take a step back so she could look him in the eyes.

  “You know damn well I know about it, or you wouldn’t have come here.” His voice was flat, hollow.

  “Why did you do it?” she asked, searching his eyes for anger, irritation, something.

  He bent down and picked up some scraps of wood, tossing them onto a larger pile. Neat, organized, apparently unfazed by his former lover’s unexpected visit. Damn him.

  “Was it guilt money?” she asked, determined to make him react. “It was, wasn’t it? Well you know what? I don’t want it. Not one damn penny. I already told my bank to reverse the deposit.”

  His jaw tightened but he continued to pick up the pieces of wood. Amanda was tempted to kick the pile of boards just to scatter them across t
he deck and see what he would do. How could he be so unfeeling after all that they’d shared?

  She wadded the paper into a ball and threw it at him, hitting him in the back. “I didn’t sleep with you for your money.”

  He stiffened and dropped the pieces of wood he was holding. “That’s not why I gave it to you.”

  “Oh? Then why did you?” Say it’s because you love me. Say it. She searched his eyes, waited, hoped. The words he’d written in that note couldn’t be true, could they? Did he really think what they’d shared was just because of the stress of the investigation or was there some other reason he was pushing her away? Tell me you love me.

  Instead of reaching for her, pulling her close, saying the words she longed to hear, he clenched his fists at his sides. “I knew you wouldn’t be able to work for awhile, so I gave you the money to make sure you were taken care of. It was the least I could do after everything you went through.”

  A fresh wave of pain washed through her. Just as she’d feared, he’d given her the money because he felt responsible. He was still living his life based on guilt, not love. She straightened her shoulders and blinked back the tears she refused to shed. She was stronger now, stronger even than Logan. She’d survived Riley. She could survive this. Somehow.

  She took a step back, not that it mattered. She couldn’t put any more distance between them than there already was. “I put my house up for sale,” she said, proud that her voice wasn’t shaking the way she was shaking inside. “I’m driving to the airport to catch a flight to Tennessee. I’m moving there to be near my sister.”

  A shadow of something passed behind his eyes. Pain? Regret?

  “I wish you the best, Amanda. Be happy.” His voice was tight, strained.

  He wished her the best? That was it? He was going to let her go, without even trying? Part of her wanted to hit him, to yell at him. She wanted to shake him, but what else was there to say? She wasn’t going to beg him to love her.

  She turned around and strode across the deck, ignoring the pain in her side. She kept hoping he’d run after her, call her name, but as she got into her car and drove away, the only sound she heard was her heart shattering into a million pieces.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Logan stood frozen in place long after Amanda left. Any doubts he’d had about the way things had ended between them had evaporated when she’d marched across his deck toward him, her face red with anger.

  When he’d left her that note, he’d hated not being able to say goodbye to her in person. But after seeing her lying in a hospital bed, so pale and fragile, fighting for her life, he knew he couldn’t put her through the ordeal of having to face him again. She’d already made it clear, twice, that she no longer wanted anything to do with him. First, when she’d run from his study after realizing he’d let the killer go, and later, when she’d asked him, “Why did you take so long?”

  He wished to God he hadn’t taken so long, that he’d been able to put Riley behind bars before Karen and Amanda paid the price for his incompetence. He shuddered at the memory of Amanda lying in his arms, blood soaking through her tank top. He should have kept digging into Riley’s background even after Pierce’s men verified his alibi. He should have followed his instincts. Hell, he should have listened to Amanda when she’d written up her conclusions about the killer. But he hadn’t. He’d put her off, too stubborn to listen to her when he thought he knew what was best for her. All he could think about that day was getting her to a safe house. If he’d listened to her, she’d have never been hurt again.

  He’d failed her in every way that mattered. And then, apparently, he’d made it even worse by insulting her with the money he’d put in her account. He shook his head and kicked the pile of lumber, sending boards banging across the deck.

  Footsteps sounded from the stairs. Had Amanda come back? Had she changed her mind, decided to give them both one more chance in spite of everything he’d done? The flare of hope inside him died when Pierce appeared at the top of the stairs. He’d already stopped by earlier this morning, arguing with Logan about why he quit as chief of police. Had he come back for round two?

  “Save your breath, Pierce. I’m not taking my job back and I’m not in the mood for polite conversation.”

  “Good. I’m not in the mood to be polite. What the hell is wrong with you? You left Amanda a Dear John note?”

  Logan cursed and started re-stacking the lumber he’d just scattered across the floor. “I am not going to discuss this with you. If that’s why you drove out here again, you might as well turn around.”

  “Did you know she’s moving to Tennessee?”

  “I heard something like that.”

  Pierce grabbed his arm. “Did you know she’s leaving today?”

  Logan dropped the two-by-four he was holding and shoved Pierce backward. “What do you want me to say? That I screwed up? Okay, I screwed up. I failed her. She nearly died because of me, twice. She doesn’t want me anymore. And I . . . respect her decision.” He stalked to the French door and threw it open, slamming it against the wall.

  Pierce followed him into the kitchen. Logan grabbed a bottle of water out of the refrigerator and took a long drink.

  “So that’s it? You’re just giving up?” Pierce said.

  Logan whirled around. “There’s nothing to give up. It’s over.”

  “If you really think that, you’re a bigger idiot than I thought. Wasn’t that her car I saw leaving? What did she say?”

  “None of your damned business.”

  Pierce shook his head. “I’ll lay odds she tried to give you one more chance and you threw it away. Damn it, man. What’s this really about?”

  Logan pushed past him to leave the kitchen but Pierce shoved him up against the wall. “She doesn’t blame you, Logan. What are you really afraid of?”

  Pain twisted in Logan’s gut. Pierce didn’t know what he was talking about. She blamed him, but no more than he blamed himself. He leaned his head back against the wall, all the fight inside him draining out. “Did I ever tell you about the research Amanda did? She went through the case files and created a list of suspects. Riley was at the top of that list. She even wrote that we should look into his records to see if he’d falsified his vacation dates. She tried to tell me about the list but I didn’t listen.”

  Pierce let him go and stepped back. “That’s it? Good God, man, didn’t you hear what I said? She doesn’t blame you for what happened. She told me that. Besides, you suspected Riley long before she wrote that list. If you’re going to blame someone, blame me. I’m the one who told you Riley had an alibi. If I’d made my men dig deeper earlier on, he’d never have gotten his hands on Amanda again. Hell, Karen would probably still be alive.”

  Pierce pounded his fist on the granite countertop. “Don’t think you have the corner on the guilt market. There’s plenty of that to share. If you want to feel guilty, feel guilty about making the rest of Amanda’s life miserable. You can’t change the past, but you can damn well change the future.”

  Logan stared back at him, afraid to move, afraid to breathe. “She told you she doesn’t blame me?”

  “Direct quote, man. Haven’t you figured it out yet? She’s in love with you. She doesn’t blame you. I don’t know what you think her reason was for coming here, but I’d bet she was giving you one last chance to come to your senses.”

  Logan shook his head in disbelief. Was it possible she had forgiven him? Was it possible she really did love him, in spite of everything?

  He pictured her the way she’d looked, standing in front of him on the deck, her eyes practically shooting sparks at him as she ripped into him for giving her money.

  He loved that sassy mouth of hers. She was opinionated, stubborn, as passionate in her beliefs as she was in bed.

  In other words, perfect.

  He’d thought she’d come to his house just because of the money. What if there was more to it? What if she’d been waiting for him to tell her he loved her
?

  Could it really be that simple?

  He scrubbed his hands over his face and groaned. “I’m such an idiot.”

  “No kidding,” Pierce said.

  “What time is her plane leaving?”

  Pierce grinned. “Now you’re talking.” He looked at his watch and frowned. “You’ll never be able to catch her.”

  “Chief?”

  Logan turned around at the sound of Officer Redding’s voice, the rookie cop who’d followed Logan around like a lost puppy after being released from the hospital. Apparently Redding’s near-death experience when Riley slammed into his patrol car to snatch Branson had changed Redding’s outlook on life. He was studying to become a detective now, and was always asking questions about police procedures.

  “Redding, I need to get somewhere in a hurry and I don’t have time to talk right now. You’ll just have to wait.”

  Logan opened the laundry room door off the kitchen. He grabbed a fresh t-shirt and tugged it on over his head.

  “Call her cell,” Pierce said. Convince her to wait.”

  “She doesn’t have a cell phone—never saw the point, since she didn’t have any family and rarely left her house.” He shook his head. “She’s probably halfway to the airport by now. I’ll have to fly out to Tennessee and track her down. That could take days. By then she’ll hate me so much for letting her go in the first place she’ll never forgive me.” He clenched his fist. “But I still have to try.”

  Logan grabbed his wallet and keys from the coffee table in the living room. He shoved the wallet into his back pocket, then frowned as he noticed the sawdust covering his shorts and the patches of sweat soaking through his t-shirt. He needed a shower, and a change of clothes. But he didn’t have time for that.

  Redding was standing in the way when Logan and Pierce headed toward the French doors at the back of the house. “Not now, Redding,” Logan said.

  The rookie backed out of the way but followed them as they stepped onto the deck. “Maybe I can drive you guys wherever you’re going and we can talk on the way. The mayor is after all of us like a pit bull over your resignation, chief. He’s determined to get you to come back. He said he’ll do whatever it takes. The entire department is at your disposal.”