Sunday Sentiments

by Karan Thapar

  “Nanaji.” My nephew Siddo once proclaimed when he was ten, “Kya mere pad, pad, pad dada Babar ke dhobhi the?”

  Had he worn moustaches, Daddy’s would have bristled. Siddo was his first grand child but this was a matter of family honour.

  “Baby.” He would shout at my sister. “What is this nonsense you’re teaching the boy?”

  A decade later, when I got married, my sister Premila told Nisha she ought to name our first son Gajju.

  “What sort of name is that?” asked Nisha, blissfully unaware of its significance.

  “Ah.” Premila replied. “Everything flows from him. He’s the original wonder responsible for the family chain.”

  Thereafter for years, the awaited sprog was referred to as Baby Gajju. Perhaps that’s why he was never born. Children are deeply sensitive and the prospect of carrying a silly name was probably enough to drive the foetus back into the womb!

  In fact, it was only for the first few months that the family took seriously Romilla’s discovery of our origins. Once the novelty wore off, interest started to wane. After all, we weren’t maharanas nor did my ancestors influence great decisions. Although in recent times, my grandfather was elevated to Diwan Bahadur after Independence, that’s best forgotten. So, I daresay, none of us is going to publish a history of the family.

  Yet few pastimes are more absorbing than rummaging through the family’s forgotten closets. Sit down with your parents (or grandparents) and start asking questions. You’ll be fascinated by the stories that pop out. Even if you don’t publish a history to beat Arvind Mewar’s, you will find out a lot you never knew. And you’ll have a lot of fun too.

  6

  When a Pink Pig Means “I’m Sorry”

  The nicest apology I ever received was from my late wife, Nisha. At the time, we had been married five years, both of us were working and Saturday afternoon was when the household shopping was done. Nisha hated it. I actually looked forward to it. I would fill the shopping trolley with biscuits and jams, cheeses and chocolates and ice cream. Oh yes and crisps too, particularly Tacos and Tortilla corn chips. In those days, proper food bored me but junk made my mouth water. Nisha was far more practical. In her eyes, my tastes were not only silly but wasteful. I would stuff the kitchen cupboard with food that would lie uneaten. She would throw it out and I would start all over again.

  I don’t recall how it happened but one Saturday, her patience snapped.

  “Oh for Pete’s sake.” She screamed. “Why can’t you be sensible? You aren’t a bloody child any longer. Lets eat healthily instead of all this plastic junk.”

  The argument over the groceries was sufficient to provoke a full-fledged fight. That’s usually how married couples quarrel. Little inconsequential incidents lead to big bust-ups. Then, all hell breaks lose.

  Nisha’s temper was slow to ignite but once the fuse had caught, an explosion was unavoidable. Her memory would dredge-up old forgotten slights and each recollection would fuel afresh her sense of hurt.

  Eventually, her anger would end with exhaustion and then she would sulk. Hours, even days could pass in silence. I’d try to make conversation, she would rebuff me. I’d try again, she would ignore me. I’d apologise, she would be unforgiving. Eventually, I would start snapping but that would only make her feel vindicated. Then, she would sulk even more. It was a vicious cycle.

  However, on this occasion, the fight developed differently. I decided to sulk too. Together, we sulked in silence right through Saturday night. Early Sunday, Nisha left for New York. As a banker, she travelled frequently. My gamble was that separation would make our hearts grow fonder but I was also determined to stick it out to the end.

  That night, she rang me. I was out and she left a message on the answering machine. Although the word sorry was never used, it was meant to be an apology. I ignored it.

  There was a second call the next morning at work. I pretended to be on the other line and asked a colleague to say I would call back. Of course I didn’t. She rang again later at night but I was hiding behind the answering machine.

  In retrospect, as I write about it, it sounds like a simple game. But, honestly, my attempt to copy Nisha’s sulking wasn’t easy. People like me with short tempers get over them quickly. Thereafter, one wants to talk to one’s wife. Yet I held out for six full days. On the seventh, a Sunday, I was sleeping late. The good thing about the Lord’s day in London is that nothing happens before noon. So it was a little strange to wake up with a soft cuddly creature tickling my nose.

  “KT Baba, look what I’ve got for you.”

  It was Nisha. She was back from New York. She had let herself in, silently crept downstairs and was standing by the bed with a glove puppet in her hands. It was a little pink pig.

  “Look, look Baba.”

  The name ‘Baba’ was her way of reminding me I was a child. She meant it with affection but it was a telling endearment. Only wives can so effectively mix the jejune with the judgemental.

  “A pig?” I asked refusing to be won over. “Why have you bought me a pig?”

  Nisha smiled. I suddenly realised I’d walked into a trap.

  “Because he looks just like you,” She answered, “and you behave exactly like him!”

  I suppose the point about apologies is not the word ‘sorry’. That’s only the form. The content has to do with the emotion of making-up. Without that, an apology is a mechanical exercise and not a heartfelt response. In that sense, it’s a bit like thank you. ‘Thanks’ has become a phrase we frequently but meaninglessly mouth without actually feeling anything. Convention and etiquette determine its usage rather than actual sentiment.

  In fact, a strange law governs our apologies and thank you’s. We are always prompt to thank for the big presents or large acts of help. But the little kindnesses, the small, telling, thoughtful gestures, usually pass without recognition. The opposite is true of our apologies. For the small silly incidents that happen accidentally, we are quick to say sorry. But where hurt is actually caused or offence given, an apology is rarely forthcoming.

  Often we say sorry or thanks without thinking. It’s the unavoidable that prompts our thanks just as it is the insignificant that elicits our apology. But where either would really count our silence can be damning.Why?

  My answer may be idiosyncratic but I believe I am not wrong. The ‘big’ sorry is an attempt at contrition, at making-up and that’s not easy. One can’t fake it. Similarly, the ‘small’ thank you for a little gesture or a passing kindness requires sensitivity, awareness, reciprocal thoughtfulness. That too is not easy. Not because we don’t feel them but because we don’t know how to handle such emotions. We shy away rather than acknowledge and embrace them.

  In reverse, the ‘big’ thank you is unavoidable. Think about it. Is it possible you might not say thanks for a present or a promotion or a party? Equally, the ‘small’ sorry is cost free. When you really aren’t to blame and the other fellow knows that too, saying sorry is both easy and meaningless.

  That’s why both phrases trip off the tongue so lightly when they mean so little. But when they would count there’s usually silence.

  Of course, we all can’t go around giving people pink pigs and there will be many occasions when shyness or social ineptness will prevent a proper thank you. But my point is different. We can try. It won’t be easy and often you will simply forget. But when you remember and overcome your initial hesitation, you will feel good for it. Saying sorry (and meaning it) can be cathartic. Saying thank you, particularly when it wasn’t expected, can make you feel better.

  Index

  Abdullah, Farooq 199

  Adelaide 183

  Adhikari, Markand 165

  Advani, L.K. 7, 8, 155, 156, 157, 197

  Advani, Kamla 156, 157

  Afghanistan 28, 29, 30, 99, 100, 101, 102, 133, 190, 192, 193

  Africa 178

  Ahmedabad 38, 39, 40

  Aitken, Gillon 8

  Akbar, M.J. 21, 110
<
br />   Ambedkar, B.R. 176

  America 12, 178, 190, 193, 196,

  Amin 102

  Amritsar 71

  Andheri 79

  Anne, Princess 136, 137

  Apte, Narayan 17

  Aravamudhan, K.(referred to as Aru) 79

  Aslam, Tasnim 148, 149

  Azad, Chandrashekhar 16

  Australia 97

  Bangalore 43, 106

  Bangladesh 34, 71

  Barcelona 92, 93, 94, 122

  Bengal 19

  Bhutto, Benazir 42, 54

  Bhogle, Harsha 50

  Birla, Kumar Mangalam 47, 48, 49, 51

  Bombay 71

  Buckingham Palace 135, 218

  Bukhari, Shujaat 198

  Burma 71

  Bush, George 146

  Calcutta 64, 152

  Callaghan, Prime Minister 117

  Cambridge 11, 137, 138

  Canberra 113

  Chennai 95

  Chirag 114

  Colombo 95, 97, 103

  Connaught Place 55

  Coonoor 72

  Copenhagen 121, 122, 123, 124

  Das, Jatin 16

  Defence Colony 133

  Dehra Dun 32, 71

  Delhi 5, 20, 24, 30, 64, 79, 103, 108, 110, 111, 113, 114, 120, 122, 123, 149, 179, 196, 199, 203, 213

  Denmark 124

  Desai, Manjari 165

  Deva, Premila (referred to as Premila) 225

  Deva, Siddharth (referred to as Siddo) 225

  Dev, Kapil 204

  Dharamsala 56

  Din Panah 114

  Dixit, Madhuri 67, 68, 69

  Dubai 95

  Dutt, Sanjay 63, 64, 65, 66

  Dwivedi, Sharada 143

  England 21, 116

  Ershad, General 36, 37

  Europe 95, 121, 178

  Faridabad 59

  Fernandes, George 162

  Firozpur 11

  Firuzabad 114

  Gajju, Baba 224, 225

  Gandhi, Indira 38, 41, 42, 191

  Gandhi, Mahatma 14, 16, 17, 19, 21

  Gandhi, Rajiv 38,

  Ganguly, Sourav 58, 59

  Gauri 14, 18

  Gavaskar, Sunil 204, 205,

  George VI, King 218

  Ghazni 102

  Giri, V.V. 153

  Goa 177

  Godse, Nathuram 17

  Gogia, Additional DCP 61, 62

  Gowon, General 137

  Gupta, Irene 77

  Habiba, Princess 133, 134

  Haridwar 32

  Herat 102

  Hiroshima 196

  Hong Kong 183

  Humayra, Queen 134

  Hyderabad 50, 67

  India 11, 12, 14, 15, 16, 24, 29, 33, 93,

  97, 49, 179, 193, 195, 197, 199,

  209, 217

  Indraprastha 114

  Islamabad 10, 31, 42, 54, 108, 196

  Isle of Serendip 104

  Jahanpanah 114

  Jaitley, Arun 198

  Jamia Milia Islamia 61, 66

  Jay, Peter 117

  Jha, Prem Shankar 198

  Jinnah, Mohammed Ali 16, 19, 20, 21, 185

  Kabul 26, 27, 30, 99, 101, 133, 134, 190, 192, 193

  Kamani 63, 64

  Kamaraj, DCP 61, 62

  Kandahar 102

  Karachi 196

  Karzai, Hamid 26, 27, 28, 29, 180

  Kashmir 23, 29, 55, 198, 200

  Kasuri, Khurshid 10, 11, 12, 13, 109

  Katiyar, Vinay 176

  Khan, Fardeen 76, 77, 78, 80

  Khan, Jehangir 205

  Khan, Roshan 205

  Khan, Shah Rukh (SRK) 22, 24, 25, 73, 74, 75

  Kohli, Sunita 153

  Kolkata 95, 196

  Kuala Lumpur 110

  Kumaratunga, Chandrika 42, 43, 103, 104, 105

  Kunduz 101

  Lagos 187

  Lahore 196

  Lakshman Jhula 32

  Lal Kot 114

  Lama, Dalai 56, 57, 58, 59

  La Rambla 92

  Laxman, Bangaru 129

  Laxman, R.K. 81, 82, 83

  Laxman, V.V.S. 49, 50, 51

  Libya 188, 189

  London 20, 33, 65, 113, 117, 122, 123, 125, 161, 215, 220, 227

  Loren, Sophia 68

  Mackay, Tan 143

  Malaysia 111

  Mandela, Nelson 16

  Manekshaw, Field Marshall Sam 70, 71, 72

  Margarethe, Queen 137

  Marseilles 15

  Mayawati 176

  McEwan, Ian 207

  Mcleodganj 56, 57

  Meditrranean coast 91

  Melly, George 206

  Menon, Krishna 71

  Mewar, Arvind 143, 144, 224, 225

  Mewar, Bootie 143

  Mirosevic, Katya 133

  Modi, Narendra 175, 176, 177

  Mohammed, Abdul 93

  Mojadedi, Sibghatullah 26

  Mubarakabad 114

  Mufti, Mehbooba 198

  Mukherjee, Mridula 16

  Mumbai 64, 65, 95

  Musharraf, Pervez 22, 23, 24, 25, 32, 34, 108, 175, 178, 179, 180

  Mussoorie 32

  Mustafa, Seema 164

  Naipaul, Vidia 8, 9

  Napier, Sir Charles 205

  Narayanan, K.R. 152

  Nehru, Jawaharlal 17, 19, 21, 83

  Nene, Shriram 69

  New york 95, 112, 227

  Nigeria (n) 188, 189

  Nizamuddin 133

  Ottawa 113

  Oxford 218

  Padgaonkar, Dileep 164

  Paget, General 218

  Paghman 101

  Pakistan 10, 12, 19, 20, 29, 32, 33, 54, 55, 71, 99, 100, 107, 109, 148, 149, 176, 184, 185, 186, 195, 196, 198, 199, 200

  Palam 61

  Pandit, Vijayalakshmi 220

  Pant, Vishal 7, 49, 50, 58, 62, 74, 77

  Patel, Vallabhai 17

  Peshawar 191

  Philip, Prince 137, 220

  Pindi 34

  Poorie, Aroon 158

  Qazi, Abidah 31

  Qazi, Ashraf 31, 32, 33, 155, 156, 157

  Qila Feroze Shah 114

  Quetta 30

  Qutub Minar 115

  Rai, Aishwarya 78, 79, 80

  Rai, General 214

  Ramesh, Jairam 198, 200

  Rawalpindi 25, 196

  Razmak 146

  Rishikesh 32

  Roshan, Hrithik 61, 62

  Rushdie, Salman 88

  Sahai, Ratna 143

  Sahgal, Arjun (referred to as Arjun)138, 139, 140

  Santoshi, Raj Kumar 67

  Sardesai, Rajdeep 198

  Savarkar, Veer 14, 15, 16, 17, 18

  Scandinavia 122

  Scindia, Madhav Rao 3, 4, 5, 6

  Sen, Amartya 7, 8

  Sen, Surya 16

  Sethi, Najam 184, 185

  Seth, Vikram 86, 87, 88

  Shah, Zahir 99, 102, 134

  Shanghai 112

  Shari-e-Nau 26

  Sharma, Ajay Raj 61

  Siachen 55

  Singapore 110, 112

  Singh, Bhagat 16

  Singh, Ganga Maharaja 144

  Singh, Gopal (referred to as Gopal) 60

  Singh, Harbhajan 50

  Singh, Khushwant 84, 85, 114, 115

  Singh, Nirmal (referred to as Nirmal) 27

  Singh, Patwant 52, 53

  Singh, Pritam (referred to as Preetam) 129, 130, 131

  Singh, Sanjay 165

  Singh, Shobha Deepak 87

  Singh, Zail 153

  Sircar, Aveek 87

  Siri 114

  South Africa 58

  South Asia 95

  Spain 93, 94

  Spooner, Reverend 118, 206

  Srinagar 199

  St.Petersburg 146

  Streep, Meryl 68

  Sulaiman, M.A. 133, 134

  Swaraj, Sushma 181, 182

  Tagore, Sharmila 63, 64, 65, 66

  Tarakki 102 />
  Taylor, Elizabeth 68

  Temple de la Sagrada Familia 93

  Thapar, Bimla (nee) Bashiram (referred to as Mummy) 75, 134, 213, 218, 219

  Thapar, General Pran Nath (referred to as Daddy) 213, 214, 218, 219

  Thapar, Nisha 161, 221, 222, 225, 226, 227

  Thapar, Romilla 224

  Thapar, Valmik (referred to as Valu) 150, 151, 152

  Thatcher, Margaret 179

  Thomson, Alexander 91

  Thomson, Lord 117

  Tibet 56

  Toronto 112

  Udaipur 144

  Upadhyay, Ashok 31, 77, 108, 109

  Vajpayee, Atal Behari 7, 8, 21, 38, 39, 40, 108, 146, 147, 175, 178, 179, 180

  Verma, Kapil 27

  Wadia, Maureen 48

  Walden, Brian 136, 137

  Wali, Shah Marshall 99

  Washington 113, 117, 132, 134

  Westminster 117

  Wickrematunga, Lasantha 104, 105

  Yoginikpura 114

  Yousuf, Abidah 100

  Yousuf, General 100

  Yousuf, Mariam 100

  Zia, General ul-Haq 34, 35, 36