Sam frowned. “Did we miss the fun?”
CHAPTER 29
Xander lay in the bed, all patched up but still not feeling so great. Nothing could ever just be easy for them. Deryn was angry, as to be expected, but she was even angrier than him and that was surprising.
Deryn screamed and kicked the wall. Then she hit it over and over again.
“I hate it here!” she shouted, taking out her knife and throwing it at the door, hitting it eye level and dead center.
“No, you don’t,” said Xander, attempting to push himself into a seated position.
“Don’t tell me what I feel. And stop moving. You’re healing.”
Xander groaned and settled back down.
He watched Deryn as she pulled the knife out of the door and began to pace, that pretty face of hers pinched up in thought, searching her mind for a solution that did not exist.
She stopped in front of the dresser, staring down at the things she’d unpacked. Small trinkets that meant something to her. She was still upset she’d had to leave behind her snow globe, but it just wasn’t practical to bring.
Deryn put her knife beside the map she’d grabbed that first night on the tram, when she’d been trying to find a way to get away from Xander. It was hard to believe she’d ever felt so negatively about someone she had come to love so deeply. These little things, a map and a knife, calmed her in times of distress.
Her eyes found the chocolate bar. That first gift Xander had given her. Not long ago, these three things were all she’d had in the world.
Her fingers reached out to stroke the bar and -
It didn’t feel right.
She knitted her brow and pressed, crinkling the wrapper to reveal a hollow interior.
Deryn picked up the bar. It was light. A mere shell of the object she had cherished so much. As hollow as she’d been that first night, before Xander had brought her to life again.
“What’s wrong?” asked Xander.
Her breathing grew heavy as she stared at the empty wrapper, her hand shaking as she tried to control her anger, her pain, to stop herself from breaking.
But then it hit her.
Everything that chocolate bar represented. The start of her time with Xander. He had told her not to hold it in, that she had no reason to be ashamed. Bad things were done to her but they did not define her. And she would be damned if she let these people who were supposed to be on her side make her feel any differently.
“Deryn.”
Tears fell from her eyes. Her cheeks flushed with rage as she let out a powerful roar. She darted for the door, sprinting across the base, not stopping as numerous people called her name.
Deryn knew where Cress’s room was. She’d found out by accident when Adrian and Harper had moved into a community room to accommodate April. The same one as Cress.
When she arrived, the room was full. Her eyes found Cress immediately, laughing while sitting on the center bed with Hera, a dozen others crowded around them.
That laugh vanished the moment he saw her, feral and ready for a fight.
Deryn marched forward, the wrapper still clutched in her hand. Cress and Hera stood up as she approached. She shoved Hera far away from her, not caring where she landed, then swung her fist holding the wrapper at Cress’s ugly face and knocked him backwards onto the bed.
“What the fuck have you done?” Deryn screamed, clutching the cloth of his shirt and pulling him up so he was eye level with her. “You fucking cunt!”
Gasps all around.
Deryn saw his hand move out of the corner of her eye and she grabbed his wrist. He still wore that damn ring and he’d just tried to use it on her.
“This is mine!” she said, taking it back. “And this ...” She held her hand out in front of him and revealed the wrapper.
Cress crinkled his forehead. “It’s a chocolate bar.”
“And you ate it.”
He shrugged. “Maybe. Are you seriously punching me over that when your boyfriend is a murderer?”
Deryn’s eyes flared. “If he’s a murderer then so are you, and every other person who’s ever set foot on a battlefield and lived to tell the tale. But this ...” She whimpered. “This was mine. It was one of the first things I ever owned after ...”
She paused, for the first time noticing all of the eyes pointed at her. But she needed to say this. She needed to let them know.
“For five years I owned nothing. I was owned. Then I got out. I ran into Xander and he bought me this chocolate bar. It was the first thing I owned after my escape, and when he gave it to me it was the first time I truly felt free. And you ate it. You ate my freedom.”
Cress’s mouth fell open. He had no response.
“You lost a cousin? I lost myself. For five years I had no voice, no means of fighting back, for sticking up for myself. So I’m here to tell you that you have no power over me.” Deryn poked him in the chest. “You don’t get to call me crazy or laugh about how many Guardians had their way with me before Xander. Yes, I can hear your whole fucking table!” She glanced around and many of those lurking eyes looked away ashamedly. “You all think it’s funny that I was locked up and had no control over what happened to me for five years. Well, guess what? So does your enemy. It’s a slippery slope and before you know it, if you’re not careful, you will become the people you claim to hate.
“But, most importantly, if you ever touch my shit again -” Deryn leaned in close to Cress, her eyes level with his and their noses almost touching. His throat bobbed. “- I will fucking gut you.” She stood up straight and turned on her heel. “And that includes Xander. Sweet dreams.”
Deryn held up her middle finger as she exited.
When she walked out the door, she wasn’t surprised to see Nita and Dakota standing outside. She glared at the latter.
“Come to see your girlfriend?”
Dakota’s cheeks flushed. “Of course not. I followed you.”
“That was awesome,” said Nita, smiling widely. “Has anyone checked if Cress peed his panties? Because I wouldn’t be surprised.”
Dakota ignored Nita and stepped closer to Deryn. “I need to talk to you.”
Movement caught her eye and she looked over his shoulder. Xander was limping around the corner, led by Adrian while Harper scolded him. Deryn watched him and sighed.
“No.”
When she tried to walk around Dakota, he grabbed her wrist. “Please.”
“Don’t touch me!” she screamed, pulling away and wrapping her arms around herself.
Xander pushed Adrian away and hurried over to Deryn. He stood close but didn’t reach out for her like he wanted to.
Deryn looked into his golden eyes and whimpered. “It’s not a good night,” she said.
Xander frowned. “You know Trigger would never hurt you.”
She nodded, slowly releasing her arms down to her sides but still not feeling quite right. The loss of her chocolate bar had affected her more than she wanted to admit, and she feared the brave face she’d put on for Cress was fading fast.
“What do you want to talk about?” she asked Dakota while still looking at Xander.
Dakota sighed. “About everything.”
Tears slid down her cheeks. “Don’t you think it would be better if you just kept thinking of me as the person I used to be? Once we talk you can’t go back.”
“I don’t think that would be better,” he said.
Deryn looked at him and then at Xander again.
“Go talk to him. While you have your brave face on,” said Xander.
“It’s already off.”
He smiled. “You don’t see what I see.”
Deryn smiled weakly in return. “Could you make tea for me? Like before?”
“I’ll have it ready for you when you get back.”
She nodded. “Lead the way,” she said to Dakota.
Without a word, Dakota walked away. Deryn followed obediently.
She crossed her arms and looke
d around nervously as they walked. Dakota had his hands in his pockets and seemed very intrigued by the cracks in the wooden walkway.
He led her by a group of smokers and she silently wondered if that was where Xander went to sneak his cigarettes.
The smokers all stopped their chatter when they saw them walking together. Dakota continued past them and kept walking until they were up the stairs and on the overlook.
They were alone up there. Dakota stopped near the side of the overlook facing the ocean. He faced Deryn and leaned against the railing.
Deryn stared down at the ground and fidgeted with the cloth of her shirt, unsure of where they were supposed to start.
She couldn’t speak freely to Dakota. Not completely. He already blamed himself for everything that had happened to her. His guilt was too strong and she didn’t know how much she could reveal without pushing him over the edge.
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say,” she finally admitted after several minutes of silence. “I know you want me to talk about Xander but -”
“This isn’t about him anymore,” said Dakota. “I’m not an idiot. I can see he’s not the evil bastard I always assumed he was. He’s still a dick but I can’t hate him. He’s the one who brought you back.” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “This is about you and me. I want to fix this. I ...” He gulped. “I want to go back to the way things were. Before the war, when we were friends.”
Deryn sighed. She stepped forward and took hold of Dakota’s hands. This was it. Their moment.
Deryn would no longer be ashamed.
“If that’s true then I need you to understand who I am now. You need to know what happened to me and you need to accept it.”
His hands tensed in hers.
“I know Talon has talked to you, and I’m sure Neetles has as well. But I still get the feeling you’re lying to yourself about what actually happened to me.”
Dakota winced. He turned his head and shut his eyes.
“Dax, look at me.”
He shook his head.
“Dax, please. Open your eyes and look at me.”
He shook his head again. “I can’t. Not if you’re going to say it.”
“I’m not going to say anything until you look at me.”
He turned his head farther.
“Dax ...”
He whimpered.
“Dax, look at me!”
Deryn grabbed his face and forced it to point in her direction. Dakota slowly opened his eyes. He stared at her and relaxed beneath her touch.
Deryn took a deep breath as she focused hard on keeping his gaze. “I was raped.”
“No.” Dakota tried to turn away again but she held him in place. “No! No, I can’t! I -”
“But you need to,” said Deryn. “You need to understand what happened to me.”
She stroked Dakota’s cheeks and he calmed slightly.
“I was raped,” she repeated. “I haven’t said it out loud much but it’s true. I was raped almost every day for five years. Sometimes it would just be one person. Other times, a whole group of people would have their way with me. They’d beat me as they did it, not caring how much I hurt or cried or screamed for them to stop. My first time was like that. It was mere hours after you and I separated and I remember every detail of that night like it was just yesterday. The smells. The sounds.” Thunder echoed through her mind and she shuddered. “The looks on their faces as they took something I had treasured so dearly away from me.”
Dakota whimpered but she didn’t care. He needed to know.
“In the beginning I would always fight back. But, somewhere along the way, I realized that that was exactly what they wanted. They got off on me struggling. So I stopped and I took it. I accepted it and that is what killed me.” Deryn glanced away for a moment and choked back a sob. “I died during my time as a slave. Not physically, but mentally. I lost everything that made me who I was. My spirit was gone, my fight was gone. I just wanted it to be over. I let myself waste away and just waited for the day I’d die physically. If I hadn’t gotten out, even if they decided against executing me, I know I wouldn’t be alive today. I was so close to death and I felt relief in knowing my suffering would soon end.”
Deryn’s grip tightened on Dakota’s face. He put his hands on her waist, squeezing her sides as he kept his eyes focused on hers.
“But then I was given a chance,” she continued. “An old woman took pity on me and gave me what I needed to free myself. Only then did I realize that I didn’t want to die. I wanted to live. I wanted to find Talon and my dad and you and be happy again, and it was finally in my grasp.”
Tears spilled from Deryn’s eyes as she relived her escape.
“But once I was free, there was nowhere for me to go. I tried to get out of the city but there were too many obstacles in my way. Then, by some miraculous twist of fate, I ended up on the same street corner as Xander Ruby.”
Dakota’s grip on her tightened.
“He saved me, Dax. He protected me from the Guardians, he took me home and he saved me. Obviously, my feelings for him didn’t happen right away. He’s Xander Ruby and I’m not an idiot. But, over time, something shifted and I began to see him differently. This love I feel for him, it’s not because he’s my savior, despite what you might think, and it’s not just because he was there. It’s because he understands.”
Dakota’s eyes started to drift but Deryn gripped his chin.
“As a Guardian, he already knew everything I went through without my having to tell him, and he used that to get me to talk about it, to stop being so ashamed of something that was out of my control. On nights when I wake up from my nightmares, terrified that I’m back in a basement or a broom closet or wherever it was they’d decided to keep me, he just holds me and lets me cry. He listens to me without fear or judgment as I tell him what horrible things my mind will never let me forget. He loves me. I know it’s hard to believe, but he really, truly loves me.”
“I do believe it,” Dakota said weakly.
“I know you think the feelings I have for him are all just because he was there, but they’re not,” continued Deryn. “If you’d been the one to find me and nurse me back to health, I think we still would’ve discovered that what we had before simply isn’t there anymore. I’m not the same person I was all those years ago and neither are you. This war, it’s changed us. And I’m sorry, but I just don’t think you could have ever given me what I needed. Even now, you can barely look at me.”
Dakota blinked his eyes several times, letting her know that he was still trying hard to look at her and not through her.
“You want to pretend like everything that happened to me simply doesn’t exist, but it does, and it’s part of me now. He’s part of me now. Xander is the only thing holding me together. Without him I might as well be back in some Guardians home, just closing my eyes and waiting for it to be over. I was nothing and now, because of him, I’m something again. Please don’t take that away from me. I want you back in my life but I won’t sacrifice him to get it.”
Deryn sobbed as Dakota held her a little tighter.
“I thought about you every day we were apart,” said Deryn. “Please don’t tell me I’m going to lose you now when I just got you back.”
“You’ll never lose me,” Dakota choked out. “But I just ... I need to know if you’re right. About us not being the same.”
Deryn gulped.
“Please ... just once. Please just let me see,” he pleaded, his eyes desperate as they continued to burrow into hers.
Deryn gave the faintest of nods. Dakota closed his eyes and leaned in slowly. His body did not steady until his lips met hers, and then he became still, serene as he relished in the familiar feeling of holding her.
Deryn’s eyes closed. Her lips did not respond but her heart raced, just as it had that last day when they’d said goodbye. Their love had been innocent. They had been innocent. That kiss was innocent.
But th
e days of their innocence were over.
Dakota sobbed as he pulled away.
It was gone.
Not all of their love, but that love had disappeared forever. War had separated them, changed them, and ultimately torn them apart. His arms slackened as he continued to sob.
Deryn wiped her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she whispered before kissing his cheek and running away.
Her hand lifted and wrapped around the ring dangling from her neck. Now, more than ever, she wanted to find the man she did love. She wanted to hold him and kiss him and be with him from now until the day she died.
When Dakota had kissed her, she’d realized that she’d been doubting her feelings.
Xander had saved her. He was her hero. But what she felt was so much more than that. She loved him. All doubt was gone.
CHAPTER 30
Xander walked through Blackbird, unable to bring himself back to their bedroom knowing very well that Deryn was off somewhere with him. Dakota.
It was an unpleasant feeling knowing the woman you loved was alone with the man she’d never actually fallen out of love with. Deryn and Dakota never had their closure. For years she’d dreamt of finding him again, of coming home to him and being with him.
If Xander hadn’t entered into the equation, that’s exactly what she would have done. But just because she’d fallen in love with someone else didn’t mean her love for Dakota wasn’t still there, buried somewhere and in danger of escaping.
Xander took a deep breath. It was colder that night, the air damp against his skin. Sometimes he found himself craving the rain. It was so rare in Blackbird, yet so abundant in Utopia. But then he remembered what it represented. Hell. Utopia was hell and Saevus was the gatekeeper.
Xander stopped walking and leaned his shoulder against the nearest building, closing his eyes and trying hard not to think of Deryn alone with Dakota. Of things rekindling between them.
He had done this. Sent them off together.
But Deryn needed this. For closure. Nothing more.
God, he hoped there was nothing more.
Xander opened his eyes. His cheeks were damp but it wasn’t from the cold. Luckily, it was late enough that the halls were fairly empty. No one to gawk at him in his weak moment, or to try and kill him to avenge the names on that list.
Arise (Cruel and Beautiful World Book 3) Page 27