FRACTURED

by Amber Lynn Natusch

  WhenIreachedforthedoorknobtomyroom,Imissedentirely.

  Everythinginfrontofmestartedtomergetogether,andIblinked furiouslytotryandfocus.ItfadedinandoutwhileIcarefullywalkedto mybed.Thankfully,Sean'sspecialistleftmyroomcleanerthanIhadsoI didn'thavetocontendwithfloorsnipersalongtheway.

  “Cooper,”Icalled,sittingdownontheedgeofthebed,“IthinkI'm goingtocallitanight.I'mwickedbuzzedalready,andit'smakingmy headspin.I'llseeyouguysinthemorning.”

  Hewalkedinthroughthebedroomdoormomentslater.Helooked likeablurrymess.

  “Youokay?”heasked,standingnexttomybed.

  “Yep.Justdrunkandtired.”

  “Butyouonlyhadonebeer,”herepliedquestioningly.

  “Andapparentlynotenoughfoodorwater,butI'mtootiredto remedythat.Ijustwanttosleepitoff.”

  “Ifyousayso.”Hehesitatedbesidemeforamomentbefore bendingovertokissmyforehead.“I'llcheckonyouinthemorning beforeweleave.”

  “Whereareyougoing?”Iasked,feelingtotallyoutoftheloop.

  “Theboysfoundaplaceoutsideoftown.We'regoingtogocheckit out.”

  “Really?Evenafterallofthis?”

  “Theyneedtheirownspace,Rubes.There'snobathroomupthere.

  Norooms.Theycan'tstayupthereforever;besides,it'syourstudio.You usedtolovetodanceupthere.”

  “Ugh.Isodon'twanttotalkaboutdancerightnow,”Igrumbled.

  Dancewasstillatouchysubjectforme.DanceequaledMatty,andafter killinghim,thatequationnolongerworked.

  “Fine,butwe'restillgoing.Ifyou'reupbeforeweleave,youcan come.Otherwise,I'llseeyoulater.”

  “Soundsgood,”Ireplied,closingmyeyestoblackoutmydrunken vision.“Loveyou.”

  “Loveyoutoo,Rubes.”

  Hegentlyclosedthedoor,leavingmealonetotryandgetaholdof myself.Myphysicalhealthhadbeendeterioratingformonthsduetomy neglectfulways,mycircumstancesneverquitelendingthemselvesto excellentself-care.Buteventakingthatintoconsideration,itseemedto begettingexponentiallyworseatafarmorealarmingrate.Ineededto getahandleonthingsbeforeIliterallystartedtofallapart.Withmy supernaturalstatusinastateofflux,Iwonderedifthatleftmemore vulnerabletohumandisease.Ididn'thavetimeformigraines,insomnia, orbraintumors,soIhopedthatwasn'tthecase.

  WhileIfrettedaboutthepossibilities,Ifeltanoddlyfamiliar sensationaroundme.ItfrightenedmeatfirstuntilIrealizedwhatit was―ormorespecifically,whoitwas.

  “Matty?”Icalledout.

  Ireceivednoresponse.WithoutPeytanearby,Icouldn'tseehimor hearhim,butIcoulddefinitelysensehim.

  “Imissyou...,”Iwhispered,notwantingCoopertooverhearme.“I wishIcouldtalktoyourightnow.Youwerealwayssogoodtotalkto whenIneededit.”

  Silence.

  “Eversincethatnight...thenightyoudied,mylifehasbeenatotal mess.IfeellikeeverythingisfallingapartandIhavenocluewhattodo aboutit.WhenIusedtoneedtoclearmyhead,Iwoulddance,butnow...”

  IletmywordstrailoffwhileIstaredatthedarknessinmyroom.The truthwasIdidn'twanttodanceanymore.Notwithouthim.

  “Ilikeknowingthatyou'rehererightnow.Isthatweird?Itseemsa littlecreepybutit'strue.Ilikeknowingthatyou'restillwithmeinsome way.Thatyou'rewatchingoutforme.”Ipausedinanattempttostiflethe emotionsthatsurgedatmysentiments.Ireallydidfeelbetterwithhim around.Ialwayshad.“Youwerealwayswatchingoutforme,Matty.

  Don'tthinkthatIdidn'tnotice.”

  Suddenly,IfelthisenergyfadingandIwasstruckwithaninstant senseofpanic.

  “Notyet!”IsaidmoreloudlythanIshouldhavebeforelowering myvoicetoafaintwhisperyetagain.“Please.JuststayuntilIfall asleep...ifyoucan.Please?”

  Thoughhisessenceneverfullyregaineditspreviousstrength,it didn'tdisappear.Asmymindquieted,Idriftedofftopeacefulsleep, knowingthatIhadMattynearme.Peytahadsaidthatshecouldn'ttell howlonghehadbeforehefaded,soIselfishlywantedtoenjoythose momentswhileIcould.

  Iknewtherewouldcomeatimewhentheytoowouldfade.

  *

  Thenextmorning,Ifloppedoverinbed,eyesstillclosed, luxuriatinginthefeelofagoodnight'ssleep.IthadbeeneonssinceI'd hadone,andIjustwasn'tquitereadytogiveupthewelcomesensationit broughtwithit―thefeelingthateverythingwasrightasrain.WhenI openedmyeyes,Irealizedjusthowcloudytheforecastactuallywas.

  Theroomlookedfuzzyandfragmented,soIrubbedmyeyes, thinkingthatthepriorevening'salcoholplusmysleepingoverindulgence hadledtoeyeboogersthesizeofTexasdistortingmyvision.Nosuch goodluck.Withseveralattemptstoclearmysight,Iwasnobetteroff.

  Icouldseelightaswellasobjects,buteverythingaroundmehad takenonapoorlydelineatedshape,lookingmorelikeamorphousmasses thansharplyedgedfurniture.Stunned,Istumbledmywayoutofbed, trippingonsomething―mostlikelymyshoes,whichI'dkickedoffhours earlier―clutteringthefloor.IexpectedCoopertocomerunning,buthe didn't.Heandtheboysmusthavealreadyleftfortheday.

  Tocurbmygrowingpanic,Iclosedmyeyesandtriedtojust breathewhileIcursedmyinabilitytoputthingsawayratherthanscatter themaroundmyroom.AsIdid,somethingtuggedatmymind.A memoryI'dlongagotriedtorepresscamecrashingtomyconsciousness.

  Theirvoiceswokemefrommysleeplateintheevening.Theyso rarelyfoughtwithoneanotherthatIfoundmyselfcompelledtohearwhat hadcausedthemtodoso.

  “Ithardlymattersnow,Robert,”mymothersneered,thesoundofa glassshatteringinthesinkpunctuatingherremark.

  “Sheila,please.Youknowwehadlittlechoiceinthematter.It’s done.There'snosenseindwellingonityearsafterthefact.”

  “ButIfeelsotrapped,” shecontinued,completelyignoringhim.

  “Ourlivesweresomuchsimplerbefore...”

  “Iknowtheywere,butwhatelsecouldwehavedone?Wecouldn’t havegivenheraway.Youknow thatwasn’tanoption.”

  “Weshouldneverhavelistenedtohim,”mymotherlamented quietlyasIpressedintothehallwayfurther,unabletoignorewhatthey weresaying.

  “Listened?That’shardlywhatwedid,andyouknowit.Wehadno choiceinthematter—hemadedamnsureofthat,”myfathersaidwitha growl.“He’llanswerforhistreacheryeventually,butfornow,we proceedaswehave.She’llbeoutofourhairsoonenough.What’s anotherdecadeortwo?”

  “Aneternity,”mymothersnappedathim.

  “You’rebeingdramatic,Shanley...”

  “DoNOTcallmebythatname.Thatwomanisgonenow.He’smade certainofthattoo.”Shestompedthroughthekitchen,riflingthrough cabinetsandslammingdrawers.Ilistenedintentlytothefamiliarsounds ofherfrustration—shealwayscleanedwhenshewasupset.

  “Afewmoreyears,”myfathersaidsoftly,haltingmymother’s endeavors.“WhenRubyisgone,wecangobacktothelifewehad.We cangowhereveryouwant...dowhateveryouwanttodo.Ipromise.But fornow,sheisourcharge,andwewillrespectfullyfulfillthatdutyuntil itisnolongerours.Doyouunderstand?”

  “Yes,”shegrowledquietly,“butkeepherawayfrommeuntilthat dayisuponus.Ineverwantedanypartinherbeinghere,andnothing yousaywilleverchangethat.Allshedoesisdragusdown—she’sa deathsentence.”

  Iretreatedbacktothesafetyofmyroom,trippingonsomething hardandplasticinmyhaste.Afterclimbingbackintobed,Imulledover whatI'dheard,wonderinghowIcouldpossiblymakelifeeasierforthem

  —howtomakemyselflessofaburden.Itwaspainfultohearthatyour existencewasnotonlyproblematic
foryourparents,butalsounwanted.

  InthatmomentImadeaconsciousdecisiontodowhateverIcouldto lessentheoffensethatmypresencecreated.

  Intheweehoursofthemorning,longaftermyparentshadgoneto sleep,Ipulledmyselfoutofbedandcrawledmethodicallyaroundmy room,pickingupthevariousitemsthatlaystrewnaboutit.Iwasfarfrom aneatchild.Inthedarknessofmyworld,Ismiledtomyselfknowingthat surelyatidyroomwouldhelpmyparentsseethatIwasnotatallthe albatrosstheythoughtIwas.Iwouldmakemyselflovabletothem.

  Ifonlythatwasallitwouldhavetaken.Theanswerstolifewere alwaysfarsimplertheyoungerIwas,andatseventheywerepositively blackandwhite.NowonderIhadforgottenaboutthatday.

  Itwaseasytoseewhy.

  Ifeltaroundthefloorfortherogueshoethathadtrippedmeand chuckeditatthedoor,lettingoutascreamasIdid.Ididn'twanttogo backtobeinganyone'sburden―neveragain.Blindnesswasjustanother cage.

  *

  Cooperdidn'tansweranyofmycalls,whichmeanthe'dlefthis phoneinthecar.Ichuckedmineacrosstheroomoutoffrustration.Iwas goingtohavetowaitnot-so-patientlyforhimtogetitbeforeI'dbe hearingback.Thesituationdidn'tthrillme,butIlackedoptions.Sean wasgone,andIdidn'tseethepointincallinghiminfull-onfreak-out modeaboutsomethinghecouldn'taddressfromoverseas.IdecidedthatI wouldcallhimasalastresort.

  Iwasfrustratedwithmysituation,wonderinghow,onceagain,I foundmyselfinavulnerablesituation,needingtheaidofsomeoneelse.

  Scarlethadseeminglyabandonedme,leavingmetofendformyself.

  Ariannawaslonggone,whichwasreallyforthebest.She'dbeenmy constantcompanionthroughmylife―myhumanlife.Aspainfulasit wastoadmittomyself,itwaslikelybestthatshewasn'taroundme anymore.Shecouldsheltermefrommyparentsandtheharshnessof beingadisabledpersonintherealworld,butmynewrealitywasn'twell suitedtohumans.Shewouldn'thavesurvivedlong.

  BeforeIcouldletmymindwandertoofardownroadsbestleft untraveled,Istartedfumblingaroundmyroominanefforttorelocatemy phone.Ittookmeforevertofindit,andevenlongertolocatethevoice commandfunctiononit,butIwasfinallyabletocallGavin.Iwasn't excitedtotellhimaboutmypredicament,buttherewasnoavoidingthat one.Wehadscheduledourmeetingforthatmorning,andIcouldn'tvery wellmakemywaythroughdowntownunaided.Ihadtolethimknowthat ourarrangementneededtochange.

  “Ruby?”heasked,soundingoddlycheerful.“I'msurprisedtohear fromyounow.We'remeetinginjustafewhours.Istheresomethingthat couldn'twait?”

  “Um,yep.Ithinkyoucouldsaythat,”Ireplied,tryingtoplayit cool.“Somethinghassortacomeup,soIcan'tgetdownthereforour littlemeeting.We'llhavetodoitoverthephone.”

  “I'mafraidthatwon'tsuffice.”Hisvoicehadachilltoitthat contrastedwithhisoriginaltone.“Ineedtoseeyouinperson.”

  “Well,thatisnolongeranoption,soit'sphoneornothing,”I blustered,hopinghewouldn'tseethroughmybluff.HeknewIwanted answersjustasbadlyashewantedmedownathishouseboatinafew hours.

  “Doesithavetodowithwhatwentdownatyourapartmentlast night?I'msogladyouweren'tthereatthetime,thoughnotasgladabout whereyouwereinstead,”hegrowled.“Tellmewhywecan'tmeet.I'll decideifit'sanacceptablereasonornot.”

  “I'mafraidthat'sclassified,Gavin.You'renottheonlyonewith informationyou'dprefertokeeptoyourself.”

  “Yes,butthedifferencebetweenyouandme,Ruby,isthatI actually havethatsortofinformation.Youdon't.”

  “Oh,IthinkIdonow,”IsaidwithanervouslaughasIpannedthe roomwithmynewlyacquiredblur-o-vision.

  Icouldhearhimrumblethroughthephoneline.Hewasclearly displeasedwiththesituation.

  “Ifyouwon'tcometomethenIwillcometoyou,”hesnarled.“I'll bethereinafewminutes.”

  “Nope.Badidea,”Iblurtedout,movingtowardthefrontdoortobe certainitwaslocked.Onmyway,Icrashedintotheottomanthathad clearlybeenmovedfromitsnormalpositionintheroom.Itscolor blendedintothefloortooeasily,andIsoonfoundmyselffalling awkwardlyovertopofit.

  “Whatwasthat?”heasked,hisvoicealarmedbutthreatening.

  “Whoisthere?What'shappening?”

  “Calmdown,”Igroaned,retrievingthephonethathadfallenaway fromme.Gavin'smenacingvoicemadeiteasytofind.“Ijusttrippedon somefurniture.Nobodyishere.”

  “Youtripped?Onfurniture?”Hisvoicewasdubioustosaytheleast.

  “Howbigwasthis furniturethatyoutrippedon?”

  “Um...itwasanottoman.Why?”

  “Becauseit'sbroaddaylightoutsideandyoujustmanagedto ambushyourselfwithabenchthesizeofasmallperson.Idon'tbuyit.”

  “WhatcanIsay?I'mreallyclumsy.”

  “Myassyouare.”Icouldpracticallyhearhimthinkingthroughthe phoneandIdidn'tlikeitatall.GavinquietwasGavinathismost dangerous―muchlikesomeoneelseIknew.WhenIheardthesoundsof trafficandgustsofwindinthereceiver,IknewIwasintrouble.

  Hangingupthephone,Iscrambledmostinelegantlytothefront door,feelingmywayuptothelocks.Ifastenedeveryoneofthembefore Ishuffledmywayovertothelargearmchairandpusheditbackto reinforcethedoor.Itwasstupid,really,butIwantedtofeellikeIhad somethingbetweenmeandhim.

  Whenthatwasfinished,Ipacedoffmystepsthroughthehall, headingformyroomwhilemyhandtrailedalongthewallforcomfort.It wasapainfullyfamiliargesture.Iwantedtoholeupinmybedroomand praythatIcouldreachsomeoneusefulbeforeGavinarrived.Therewas onlyonepersonlefttocall.

  Rememberingthesequenceofmovementstoengagethevoice commands,IfinallyaccesseditandspokeasloudlyandclearlyasIcould intothereceiver,hopingthatmyHailMarywouldwork.

  29

  “Alan,” Itoldthephone,hopingitwouldrecognizethename.Icouldn't rememberifI'dprogrammedhimintoitornot.Itwasn'tthetimetofind outIhadn't.Ineededadistractionintheworstway,andIfiguredthat AlanwoulddoaswellasanysinceSeanwasoutoftownandCooperwas MIA.

  Thephonerangrepeatedlyandmyheartstartedtobeatfaster.After threerings,hisvoicemailkickedinandIblurtedsomethingbarely coherentintoitbeforehangingup.IneededhimtoknowthatIwas distressed.WhenthephonerangonlyafewsecondsafterIhungup,I assumedmytactichadworked―missionaccomplished.

  Isearchedforthebuttontoanswerthecall,thenhititand immediatelystartedtalkingintoit.

  “Alan...AlanIneedyoutocomehererightaway,it's―”

  “NotAlan.”Gavin'svoicewasrichandwarning―hisstandard order.“Ruby.You'regoingtodosomethingformerightnow.”

  Icouldhearthesameblowingdistortioninhisreceiver,soIknew hewasstilloutside.Myheartthumpedwildlyanderraticallyinmychest.

  Therewasnowayout.

  “Ohyeah?”Isnapped,feigningbravery.“What'sthat?”

  “Gotoyourbedroomwindow. Now. ”

  ThoughIdidn'tenjoyhistoneorattitude,Ididlikethathewasn't tryingtoordermetoopenthedoordownstairs.Ididn'tknowwhatangle hewastryingtowork,butmyoptionswerelimited,soIdecidedtoplay alongandprayedthatIwouldfindawaytobluffthroughwhatevergame hewantedtoplay.Islowlyandcarefullymademywaytothewindow seatinmybedroomandperchedmyselfonit.

  “Good,nowIwantyoutolookdownatmeforasecond.”

  Itwasan‘ohshit’moment.Hecouldhavebeenanywheredown there,andthoughIcouldmakeoutshapesandobjects,itwasthemiddle ofthedayandpeoplewereeverywhere.Myonlyshotwastotryand locateabodythat wasn'tmoving.WhenIfoundsomeonethatfitthebill, Iputallmya
ttentiononhim,evenputtingonanannoyedfaceforgood measure.

  “Done.Youhappynow?”

  “No,”herepliedcoolly,“I'mnot.Tellmesomething,Ruby,what amIholdinginmyhand?” Fuck... Myplanhadworkedupuntilthatpoint, butIwassunk,anditseemedlikeIwasn'ttheonlyonewhoknewit either.“Oh,comeonnow,it'snotlikeit'snotobvious.Doyouneed glassesorsomething?”

  Ipanicked.

  “Orsomething.Maybe.”

  Hewassilentforamomentandverystill,standingunderthesame streetlampthattheRevhadmonthsearlier.Itwasanunsettlingthought.

  “Soit'shappening...,”hesaidcryptically.Itwasn'taquestion.

  “What'shappening?”Iasked,feelingarollingsensationinmy stomach.

  “Ifearedthiswouldcometopass,”hecontinuedasifIhadn'tsaida word.

  “What? Whatwouldcometopass,Gavin?What'sgoingon?”

  “I'mcomingup,”heinformedmeashestartedacrossthestreet.

  “Andyou willletmein.”

  “No.No,Iwon'tuntilyoutellmewhatthefuckitisthat'sgoingon

  —rightnow!”

  Hisblurrysilhouettestoppedjustinfrontoftheparkedcarsalong mysideoftheroad.Iknewhewaslookingupatme,butIstillcould makeoutnexttonothing.

  “You'regoingblind,Ruby,”herepliedflatly.“Justlikebefore.”

  Idroppedthephonetothefloor.

  OnesentenceconfirmedwhatIfearedmost:thatthesolereasonI’d gainedmysightwasbecauseofScarlet'spresenceandthathercontinued absencemayleadtoitsdisappearance,andthatGavinknewfarmorethan Ihadeverbeguntobargainfor.Icouldhearhimstilltalkingonthe phone,butmymindwasnumb.AllIcouldmanagetodowasstareout thewindowathisblurrysilhouetteandwatchasheclosedthelastfew yardstotheexteriordoor.

  Hehadnearlyarrivedwhenacarcameflyingupthestreetand screechedintoadouble-parkedpositionoutsidemyplace.Someone jumpedoutandboltedtowardmyapartmentdoor.Myintercomlitup secondslater.