by Ford, Mia
I’m supposed to be wild and free. Taking off at a moment’s notice is supposed to be what I can do.
“I will let you know soon, I promise you that much.”
“Well, I’m just gonna let you know now that we’ll need an answer by the time you come back to work.”
“Yep.” I nod slowly. “Of course. I will have an answer to you before I come back.”
“Okay, well enjoy the rest of your time off and we look forward to having you back.”
I hang up the phone and let my head fall into my hands. What the hell am I playing at? I don’t know why I’m all of a sudden so stuck in this damn place. What’s even here for me? I can’t see anything.
Pippa, my brain unhelpfully pops up. It’s Pippa. I don’t want to leave her.
I shake my head, trying to rid my mind of all of that. It isn’t exactly helpful to think of Pippa in that way because she shouldn’t impact on my decision at all. I gave up on what could have been a promising sports career for a woman before and it got thrown back in my face. I won’t do that again.
But Pippa isn’t Laura… she wouldn’t do that.
I know that part is true, Pippa is a truly kind-hearted woman who wouldn’t act in that way. Through everything we experienced while helping Savannah and Jayden, I saw that in her, but I still can’t commit. I know for a fact that she would make the most incredible girlfriend ever, if I let her in, but I can’t. It isn’t her, it’s me… that old cliché, but in this case it’s the truth. I’m the fuck up here. It isn’t like that anyway with me and Pippa, there aren’t any actual feelings there, it’s just a magnetic chemistry, nothing more.
At least I didn’t run out on her this time, I waited until she woke up to say goodbye. It was awkward as hell even though we both tried to pretend that it wasn’t, which is why we can’t go there again.
“Urgh, fuck it.” I rub my face hard and push myself into a standing position. Staying in the motel where we hung out during all the drama those years back doesn’t help. No wonder I’m lost. I grab my keys to escape and I only have one destination in mind. I need to go to Jayden’s house, I need a distraction.
* * *
“Oh wow, that is some choice.” Jayden takes my work issue very seriously, just as I knew that he would. If anyone can understand it - well, to some extent anyway since he has no idea about the fact that I didn’t head straight back to the motel last night - it’s him. “What do you want to do? Do you feel more inclined one way?”
I shrug my shoulders helplessly. “I honestly don’t know. It’s a heavy choice, that’s for sure.”
Savannah pokes her head into the room and rubs her swollen belly. She does look good pregnant, she suits it a lot. I can just see where her and Jayden’s life is headed, and it involves a lot of kids.
Weirdly, I want that for myself. For the first time ever, I actually want something more.
“Hey, you two,” she says with a bright grin. “What’s going on in here?”
“Tommy’s just deciding whether to take a more permanent position here, or whether to leave.”
“Leave?” She looks so horrified that I can’t help laughing. “Why would you do that to me?”
“Oh, come on, you hardly see me anyway. And you’ll have no time for me at all when the baby is here.”
She pouts out her bottom lip. “We have Peter and we still have time for you. Don’t say that.”
“Oh no, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it in that way, I just mean… I don’t know what I mean.”
Savannah sits beside me and she places an arm over my shoulder. “I think I understand. You want something a little more for your life now, a deeper connection. You don’t want to keep screwing around.”
I don’t answer her because she’s far too close to the truth for my liking, but Jayden jumps in to cover up the tension. At least, I think that’s what he’s doing, he might just be ribbing me to wind me up.
“Oh, come on, we all know Tommy. He might talk a big talk about wanting to find someone, but really, he likes playing the field. And since he always has women throwing themselves at him, why wouldn’t he?”
I let out a very fake chuckle, even though this doesn’t really feel like the case any longer to me. I don’t want to say otherwise because it’ll be embarrassing. “Yeah, exactly, why would I want to change?”
Savannah tuts and I can almost feel the eye roll from behind me. “You two, honestly. I don’t believe that you’ll want to be that way forever, and it might sound crazy but you should include that in your decision. Whatever you pick when it comes to your career will affect other areas of your life too. It’s good to remember that.”
Urgh, now I’m thinking about it again and it hurts. I’m thinking about it all too much and however much I try to avoid her face, Pippa keeps cropping up into my mind. Somehow, I need to get her out. I need to get rid of her so that I can make a clearer decision.
Maybe I should go and see her, I tell myself as if it’s an actual wise decision. Tell her that it’s over for good.
We shouldn’t really need to have that conversation since there isn’t anything there between us, aside from the fact that we’ve had sex twice in two years which by anyone’s standards is basically nothing, but I feel compelled to get that sensation of closure. I think once I put Pippa far behind me, I’ll be able to go.
I do still need to go, don’t I? It’s what I’ve always aimed for. I have to leave, to do what my job requires of me, and to get the happiness that I’ve always been hunting for.
Much as I yearn for it to involve everything that Jayden has, I don’t think that’s for me. Until I can trust myself to throw everything into a relationship without holding back, there’s nothing else that I can do. I have to keep away from Pippa so I don’t hurt her and so she doesn’t hurt me too. She might have a heart of gold but I once believed that about someone else and I ended up with nothing.
My judgement of people sucks.
“Yeah, thanks, Savannah.” Even without trying to, she’s given me the answer I needed… or at least, a little part of it. “You’re right, I need to consider everything when I think of my future.”
40
Pippa
Stress rolls violently through my brain as I stagger home. It’s been one of those long old days where nothing has gone right. All I want to do now is climb into a hot bubble bath, to maybe have a weep. I want to wash this whole day off of me from start to finish. Including this morning with the sad goodbye to Tommy.
Without the fog of hot lust surrounding us, I can see what a dumb idea sleeping together was. I shouldn’t have caved in. Giving into the temptation was stupid, now I’m going to be hurt all over again, and I only have myself to blame. There were a number of times when I could’ve have turned him away and I didn’t.
“Hello.” The unsure voice makes me snap my eyes upwards, There, again, standing in front of my apartment front door is Tommy, almost as if he doesn’t know how to leave me alone anymore. It isn’t like last night though, I can already see that this is different but I don’t know how… or why. “Is it okay to speak to you, Pippa?”
I roll my eyes frustratedly to the back of my head. “Honestly, Tommy, I’ve had one of the crappiest days ever and I really don’t need this tonight. I don’t know what’s going on but I need a rest…”
“It’s about us.”
Us. That magical word lures me in, I can hardly resist it. Today isn’t about sex or so it seems, it’s about more. What if this time, Tommy has decided that he cannot live without me either and he wants to be with me. I don’t want to turn him away on the off chance that might be the case. I’m scared to turn my back on him in case I lose him. Yes, it’s unlikely, I’m more than aware of that, but there’s a tiny, slim chance.
“Erm, yeah, alright then.” I grab the key and slide it into the lock. “Let’s talk about us.”
It feels really weird as he follows me into the living room. The atmosphere is thick and not in a good way. I don’t know if
that’s solely because of me or the pair of us, but when we take our seats I start to get the distinct feeling that this was all a big mistake. I really hope this doesn’t just add to my terrible day.
“What’s going on, Tommy?” I ask wearily, unable to stand the tension. “Let’s do this already.”
“I know… this is a little weird.” He rubs his hands together, looking very uncomfortable. I definitely should have turned him away at the door! “But I need to put an end to this thing between us.”
The fact that he’s labelled it a ‘thing’ is enough to have my head spinning. He sleeps around, I’m sure that’s true, so why he thinks that there’s more to what’s happened between us, suggests something more. My back straightens, my spine stiffens, I can feel a deep-seated tension bolting inside of me.
“I think that… that I need to stop, you know… whatever this is before it gets… out of control…”
“Are you joking?” I can’t help but ask. “That’s a bit of an odd thing to say, don’t you think?”
He stares at me and I can see desperation there. I get the distinct impression that this is something he needs to get off his chest. I want to be able to do that for him, but I have feelings too. They need to be heard as well.
“I know that it seems strange, but for my work, I need to remain single…”
“What the hell are you talking about? Jayden works in the army too and he has Savannah.”
“But he does a desk job. He isn’t off on tours and moving around the world…”
“Plenty of people who do that still have partners and families.” I fold my arms defensively across my chest. “I don’t see what your point is here. If you have something to say then I think you should say it.”
Tommy nods and rises to his feet. I perch on the edge of my chair while he paces the room. It’s obvious to me that he hasn’t planned what he’s going to say before tuning up here, he probably doesn’t even know what he really wants, so I have to do what I can to be patient while I wait for him to work it out. Even if it’s hard.
“I just… I don’t know, Pippa, this is all a bit much for me… I don’t know what you want me to say.”
I rise too, growing weary of all this madness. “Tommy, if you don’t know what you want to say then I suggest you leave. Like I’ve already told you, I have had a shit day. I don’t need this on top of it. I don’t know what the hell is going on inside your mind and I don’t have the strength to work it out.” I point towards the door. “I think you should go until you’ve planned it out. Or maybe don’t come back at all. Perhaps we should put last night down to a stupid drunken mistake and go back to being acquaintances. That’s worked out well enough for us the last couple of years. There isn’t any reason why it shouldn’t keep working now, is there?”
He looks crushed, I can almost see his spirit sinking inside of him, but I can’t back down. I’m not just some toy for him to pick up and drop when he sees fit, and I’m also not here to help him solve his own worries.
“Yeah, I suppose so.” His head hangs low. “Maybe you’re right and I should just go. I’m sorry for coming here without… well, I’m just sorry that I’ve hurt you. I never meant to do that.”
He might not mean to, I don’t think he’s a deliberate malice kind of person, but to be perfectly honest, that’s exactly what he’s been doing. I keep pretending it’s okay but it’s damn near impossible to even be around him. I always leave feeling hollow and empty. Just like I do right now. The tears will definitely come tonight now.
“Just go, Tommy. It hardly matters now, does it?”
He walks towards the door and gives me one last lingering look before he opens it and slips outside. Once he’s gone I race behind him to flick the lock closed. Then with a deep sob, I rest my back against the wood and I slide down to my butt while the tears flow free. My heart shatters into a thousand pieces all over again.
It’s good that he’s gone, I try to convince myself. I don’t need him anyway. He’s bad news.
Knock, knock.
I snap my head backwards, banging it against the door when I hear a knocking sound. It’s only been a couple of minutes so it can only be one person. He hasn’t left, this time Tommy hasn’t run. But I want him to, I want him gone this time because I need to put an end to the dance before it kills me.
I force myself onto my feet and I unclick the lock, knowing that this will be the last time I let Tommy in. I’m going to say what I need to, to ensure that he never comes back into my life again.
“What do you want?” I gulp while I drink in his rugged gorgeousness. Why does he have to look so good? His eyes draw me in, all I want to do is reach out and touch his face, he’s so beautiful it actually hurts me. My heart races, I can feel a cotton-like sensation in my chest, my knees knock together…
“I’m sorry, I don’t want things to end on bad terms. I just don’t know what else to do here. We can’t be together, so it’s going to have to end some time or another. I’m trying to be a good guy here to do it in a way that allows us to still be around one another since our best friends are married. I don’t want to…”
“But why not?” I interrupt.
“Huh?” He knots his eyebrows together in confusion.
“Why can’t we be together?” It’s the complete opposite to what I should be saying, but somehow, I can’t stop myself. I’m supposed to be sending him away not drawing him in further to me. What is wrong with me? “I mean, I know you’ve given me a list of bullshit excuses, but really and truly, why the hell not?”
I can see him struggling with the answer, which is good. I want him to struggle, to really think about it, then I might actually get a truthful answer out of him. With that, I might finally be able to move on properly, putting him behind me once and for all.
41
Tommy
Why not? God, she’s right. Too right for my liking. Why the hell not? I can’t keep using my past as an excuse any longer, that was years ago now. It’s time to move on… so why haven’t I? If I was going to, Pippa would be the perfect person to do that with. She’s sweet, she’s kind, she’s trustworthy, so why not?
I honestly don’t have an answer for her, so I do the next best thing and I kiss her. I grab her, I pull her to me, and I claim her mouth with my own. I know this is wrong, it isn’t what I came here for, but I can’t stop myself now. My hands are tangled up in her hair, my tongue is between her lips, and she’s mine. She belongs to me.
“What are we doing here?” Pippa gasps in between kisses. “What does this mean?”
But instead of answering her like a rational human being, I scoop her up into my arms and I wrap her legs around my back so she can feel how hard I am for her instead. I silently attempt to communicate that she’s the only one who gets me going like this. No one makes me feel as fiery and passionate as her.
I carry her into the bedroom and toss her back on the sheets. I move quickly, pulling her trousers down and kissing up and down her legs so that neither of us have time to think. We probably should, I’m sure we need to, but I can’t stop. I’m acting on impulse, only this might not be one of my better choices.
I climb up over the bed like a predator hunting for my prey. Pippa tosses her hands up over her head and allows me to remove her flowing top easily. Then I trail a finger lightly down her skin, relishing how soft she is, until I reach her bra. I maintain intense eye contact while I dive behind her back to tug her bra away from her.
“You are so beautiful,” I mutter while the hard part of her body is revealed. Those delicious dark pink nipples of hers that I absolutely adore to wrap my mouth around. “You have no idea how gorgeous you are.”
With my cock rock hard, it’s easier to let go of my fears and to simply imagine what it would be like to be with Pippa properly. To set my heart free and to just be with her. It’s a really nice idea…
I take her left nipple in my mouth while dipping my right hand into her underwear. Immediately, I’m blown away by the hot
wet heat soaking between her thighs. She’s always just so excitable around me and I love that. I really enjoy the knowledge that I have done that to her. Especially in her work clothes where she looks all prim and proper, uptight, almost. I want to shed that away from her and unleash the primal side I know is there.
“Oh, wow,” she whimpers, like a sexy little nymph. “Oh, Tommy, that feels so…”
She slaps her hand against my chest and slowly works her way downwards. A guttural groan flies out of my mouth as she retaliates by dipping her hand into my underwear and she grabs hold of me. She holds my cock in her delicate little fingers and she pants desperately, needily, almost tipping me over the edge.
Pippa starts by moving slowly. She moves her silky little fingers up and down until my pants grow increasingly ragged. Then she picks up the pace to the point where I can barely contain myself…
“Get onto your back,” she grunts demandingly, her tone changing as she takes control. “Now.”
The funny thing is, I don’t usually take commands from anyone in the bedroom. If someone else spoke to me this way then I’d ignore them and carry on doing whatever the hell I wanted, but Pippa is different, she’s always been unique, and I cannot stop myself from wanting to do whatever she asks of me.
I flop backwards and smile up at her. Her dark hair trails down my chest as she slowly moves herself downwards. Every so often, Pippa presses a delicate little kiss against me, but she still doesn’t drag her eyes away. I get to see the naughty twinkle behind her gaze the entire time and it sends me wild.
Maybe I can make this work, I allow myself to believe, somehow…
But I can’t think for too long because Pippa reaches my cock too quickly. She blows out a hot breath all over me, making me shiver. Her lips press against my length and her name spurts past my lips. I love the way her name feels in my mouth, it’s utterly delicious. I want to keep saying it over and over…