Memories of Us

by Fabiola Francisco

  I roll my eyes. “It’s complicated, Chelle.” She wouldn’t get it. Chelle doesn’t put up with crap from anyone, let alone a man who’s done her wrong.

  “Well, he’s making his way over,” she warns.

  “Great. To add to my headache,” I mumble.

  “Hey.” His voice is low.

  I take a deep breath before turning to look at him. I raise my eyebrows and look in his direction. “What are you doing here?” I sigh.

  “I came to see you.” His eyes flicker between me and Chelle. “Hi,” he smiles at Chelle, but it doesn’t light up his face like the smiles I was accustomed to.

  “Hunter, right?” She squints her eyes as if she were unsure of who he is. She’s the one responsible for me seeing the video.

  I cried into a glass of wine one night when we decided to do happy hour and spilled my heart to her about everything Hunter. Ever since then she’s asked about him periodically. When she came across the video of him singing, she didn’t hesitate to show it to me. She also didn’t hesitate to tell me how she felt about the situation and my relationship with Justin. Let’s just say Chelle is team Hunter, despite knowing next to nothing about him.

  “That’s me. You are…”

  “Chelle,” she stretches out her arm. “Nice to meet you. Loved the song.”

  “Likewise, and thanks.” He smirks and I get swept away in the past. Running under the pelting raindrops of a summer thunderstorm as we sought shelter in his barn. Dancing under clear skies as he sang softly into my ear, his breath tickling my skin, but I didn’t mind. I welcomed the feel of him singing so intimately to me.

  “Well, I gotta go. It was nice meeting you.” Chelle winks at me, bringing me back to the present, and walks away with a shit-eating grin.

  “Seriously, Hunter, what are you doing here?” I hiss.

  “I came to talk to you, Kenzie. Please don’t shut me out. Not anymore,” he shakes his head.

  “We have nothing to talk about.” I cross my arms and look away. The last thing I need is to cause a scene outside of my job with students and parents walking out.

  I make my way to my car and hear rushed steps behind me. Turning around, I stare at him in the eyes. “We’ve been over for years. Go live your life. You don’t have to feel guilty anymore. I release you from that, if that’s what you need to hear. I’m okay.”

  Before I can grip the handle to my car door, Hunter places his hand around my wrist.

  “Let go of me.” My voice is threateningly low, but I know he hears me when he releases his hold and begs.

  “Kenzie, please just let me talk to you. A real talk. We can go somewhere. I saw a park around here. Just fifteen minutes. That’s all I ask.” His voice cracks, creating a tear in my wall.

  I shut my eyes, wishing I could shut off my heart. “What’s the point?” I keep my back to him.

  “Look at me,” he pleads. His fingers flutter down my arm. I shiver and turn. Those chocolate eyes that used to shine with so much mischief when we were younger are void. “Fifteen minutes. I promise not a second more.”

  “Fine.” He’ll be gone then, and I can recuperate from seeing him and continue to move on. “Follow me, though. The park near here is where my students go, and I don’t want to have an audience.”

  I get in my car and look at my reflection in the rearview mirror before starting the ignition. The tension around my eyes from holding in tears is slipping. All the time I’ve spent trying to forget him will crumble with one look from him. All the effort is useless when it comes to Hunter. But the pain I felt three years ago is still marked on my soul. How could he have said what he did?

  The drive to the park near my house is blurry. It’s not until I unconsciously park in a spot that I realize I arrived. I rub my eyes with my hands, running them down my face. With a deep breath, I open the car door to find Hunter already standing by my car.

  Silently, I lead the way through the unkempt park until I reach a bench and sit. I look straight in front of me, taking in the dry grass and wild bushes. A couple of kids play basketball in the court some feet away, the bouncing of the ball echoing, followed by the clinking of the metal net as the ball hits the rim.

  “I need to start by saying that I don’t need you to free me from guilt. I don’t need some kind of permission to move on.” My head turns to the left to look at him. “The guilt I live with is put on myself for being an idiot. No apology is enough, Kenzie.” He shakes his head, now keeping his gaze in front of him as well. He’s in his own world as he speaks to me.

  “I live with the self-hatred day in and day out, just trying to survive. I write songs about you, about us, trying to preserve what we had. As if doing so would freeze time and I’d wake up one morning to your tapping on my bedroom window. Remember when you used to do that?” He shakes his head to clear the memory. I remember it as if it were this morning I did it. I’ve always been a morning person, so I’d go to his house and wake him up by tapping his window. Then I’d spend hours helping him in around the ranch.

  Hunter’s chest rises as he clears his throat. “We had so much going for us. I loved you so damn much. I still do, and whether we ever get a second chance or not, I’ll never stop. It’s impossible to.” His eyes seek mine and on cue I turn my head to meet him. I take a sharp inhale as I see the red rim around his eyes.

  “I hope you understand that. I’ll never stop. It’s you or no one. I fucked up. I’m not perfect, even if you thought I was. I’ve been going crazy not knowing where you were. I tried finding you everywhere, but no one knew or would spill your location. If you think I’ve moved on, you’re wrong. Because this,” he grips his chest, “left with you.”

  “You broke my heart… in a way I never expected.”

  “Trust me, I broke my own as well.”

  I swallow back the tears that want to escape. I just need to wait and cry when I’m locked in my apartment.

  “Maybe we were always meant to follow this destiny. We’re different people. Realistically, how many young people stay with the same person, especially through so many changes? Maybe we were never meant to last.” I shrug, focusing again on the patches of grass.

  “You don’t mean that.”

  I nod silently.

  “Damn it, Mackenzie. Look at me. Look at me.” His body shakes next to mine. “We were always meant to beat the odds. You know it. We would talk about it for hours.”

  “It’s different now. Maybe we saved ourselves from greater heartache.” I finally turn to look at him, water blurring my vision, but I refuse to let the tears fall. Not yet. “It would hurt more if we started to live the life we planned and realized it was wrong.”

  “Bullshit. There’s no greater heartache than this and I know you feel it, too. You don’t believe this.”

  I suck in air and release it just a fast. Nodding, I stand. “I’m sorry, Hunter. I gotta get goin’.”

  “I promised your dad I’d convince you to move back home. Don’t stay here. Don’t stay with that guy. I know I have no right to say, but he doesn’t treat you right. At least do that for yourself. This isn’t you and running to a place like this will never help you overcome what we had because what we shared isn’t something you forget by changing cities. Take it from me.” The desperation in his voice hurts, but I don’t tell him I broke up with Justin. It’s easier this way.

  “I need to leave for Nashville tomorrow. Please don’t shut me out anymore. I’ll contact you. I know you blocked me from your phone and social media, but you still get my emails because that douche responded to my last one. Please, Mackenzie.” He stands next to me and squeezes my hand. I still can’t believe Justin responded to him. I went back to check when Hunter first mentioned it and there was no trace. Another reason I can’t stay with Justin—the control is scary and it’s just the beginning of our relationship.

  I don’t respond to Hunter. I can’t because I’m on the verge of losing my resolve. Instead, I close my eyes and turn around, knowing I also left my
heart with him all those years ago.

  As soon as I get home, I jump in the shower and stand under the warm water. I wish every emotion that weighs me down could get flushed down the drain. I was moving forward, working a job I loved and opening to the idea of someone else in my life—Justin or not—until Hunter reappeared. Until then, I could at least pretend I was someone else. I could hide behind the Hollywood air and act as if I never lived through the heartache. Now, seeing him again, seeing the pain he’s carrying, it’s as if the director has yelled out, “Cut!” and my reality has stormed down on me. Because just like the city I live in, I’ve been draped in the costumes of someone I wish I were instead of who I really am.

  If that were untrue, I would’ve visited my parents. I would’ve returned to my hometown and never felt hesitant to tell Justin exactly where I was from. Because those dirty farms he refers to are the only real things in my life. And I’ve denied them.

  If I’m being at all honest, I’ve also been trying to convince myself of the same thing I told Hunter. We weren’t meant to survive as a couple.

  It’s hard to swallow that truth. It’s difficult to believe it when it felt so real, so consuming. It was the only way I could ever move forward—convince myself that what we had in our young adult life would never survive the stress and changes of our adult lives.

  How could we if we were both able to walk away so easily?

  Every strand of strength I was gripping on to melts with the heat of the water and I cry. My tears run down my face as I attempt to wash away the pain. When the stream doesn’t dissipate my sadness, I hit the tiled wall with the heel of my hand and kick it once, the rush of the water swallowing my cries until I lean against the shower wall and wrap my arms around me, the steam surrounding me a perfect metaphor of how my life has felt since leaving Springville—murky and unclear.

  CONFIRMATION OF MACKENZIE’S RELATIONSHIP shattered me. Hearing them fight and seeing the guy, I was left confused as to why she would ever settle for someone who wouldn’t treat her as she deserved. Her and I may have gone through hell, but I always treated her right and showed her how much I cared and loved her when we were together. We shared everything with each other, and to think of her doing that with someone else who isn’t worthy of it… I blow out a deep breath and scrub my face with a calloused hand. I need to focus on getting on that plane and back to Nashville. This weekend I’m driving down to Springville to talk to Mr. Hill.

  My leather journal is open to a new page, too many words in my mind to narrow it down to a few that will express everything I’m trying to release.

  Mackenzie can’t believe that we were never meant to last. We talked about it all the time—the life we’d live. She always encouraged me to follow my dream of being a singer and going to Nashville. I wouldn’t go without her, though, and I waited until she was done with school. I worked for my dad, destined to follow in his footsteps and rebelling against that destiny for a dream that was born out of pure passion for music.

  I’ve stayed this long in Nashville because it’s the only thing that still ties me to Mackenzie. She may not be there, but her energy is. I’m doing this for her, so one day she realizes how all the songs I write come together and tell our story. They tell my regret, my love, my memories—good and bad.

  I scoot my body down, my legs stretched out in front of me. These airport chairs are impossible to get comfortable in.

  I fucking hate that I’m leaving her here. As proud as I am of her following her dreams and working somewhere I know she always dreamed of, I hate not being around to see it. Not being able to tell her how proud I am of her and how much she’s accomplished, even if it’s somewhere that is nothing like her.

  My pen taps against the paper. I have no idea what our meeting tomorrow is about, but I promised Cash I’d be there. As much as Los Angeles is not a place for me, I would’ve stayed until I could convince Mackenzie to come home with me. It won’t be long until I’m back to see her, though.

  I begin to scribble, thinking of the way it felt to have her slip away from my fingers years ago. My temper got to me, but that doesn’t mean I stopped loving her. When she said she needed time away from me, I didn’t know where else to go but Nashville. There’s no way we would’ve been able to really break up with both of us staying in Springville. No one is safe in a small town, and I didn’t want my loss to be thrown at me at every turn.

  We took the long way,

  Breaking apart

  The best of us

  And leaving shattering glass

  I slam the notebook shut and shove it in my bag. Standing and stretching, I walk to the screen to check my boarding time as if I haven’t checked a hundred times since I arrived at the airport two hours earlier than necessary.

  I drag my ass and my bag to the closest airport restaurant and sit at the bar. Scanning the menu is a waste of time when I know I’m going to order a beer. As if I cared if it were noon and day-drinking alone is frowned upon.

  The bartender doesn’t blink when I place my order, nor when I chug half my pint. I guess anything goes in an airport. I stare up at the news recaps playing on the television and try to think of anything else besides Mackenzie.

  Three beers in I pay for my overpriced drinks and walk back to my gate. I’ve given up trying to write, and I close my eyes, hugging my bag until they begin boarding my flight.

  As soon as I pass the road that takes me to the watermill, I consider a detour, but I need to meet with Mr. Hill first. I’ll have time to sit on the edge of that river and reminisce. The last four days were long, with meetings about Rebel Desire’s album, long writing sessions, and a look into the early stages of recording. The guys were surprised I came back as lost as when I left, but that’s how it is. Cole was encouraging, telling me not to give up on her. Sometimes all they need is to know you’re there when they’re ready.

  Although I emailed her when I arrived in Nashville, I haven’t heard back from Mackenzie. I just hope she’s smarter about letting her boyfriend look at her private information. They haven’t been together long enough for him to do something like that.

  I cross the bridge that leads to the span of farmland. I’ll have to stop by and see my mom before high-tailing out of here. She’ll never forgive me if she finds out I was here and didn’t tell her.

  I spot the entrance to Hill Farm and turn left down the gravel road. Mr. Hill wasn’t surprised when I told him I wanted to talk to him in person. I park behind a silver truck and hop out of my own. My boots crunch under the dusty gravel. It’s clear it hasn’t rained in a few days.

  I ring the doorbell, looking around the front porch at the potted plants. Mrs. Hill loves gardening, and I see that she still has her green thumb. Mackenzie used to love helping her in the garden.

  “Hunter, hello.” The door opens to a smiling Mrs. Hill. “It’s so nice to see you. Come in. Dustin is in the living room.” She opens the door wider. I stomp my feet out on the porch and follow her in, smiling.

  “Hi, Mrs. Hill. Thank you, ma’am.” I follow her through the house, rubbing my palms against my jeans.

  “Dustin, Hunter’s here.” Mr. Hill stands from the sofa, smiling until wrinkles appear in the corners of his blue eyes.

  “Hi, Hunter,” he stretches his hand out to shake mine.

  “Hi, sir.” I nod and smirk. “Thanks for letting me come over.” I look at Mrs. Hill. “To the both of you. I know Mackenzie and I broke up a long time ago and I haven’t been around, but I appreciate you letting me know where she is.”

  “You’re a good kid. Take a seat.” Mr. Hill signals to a chair across from the sofa.

  I don’t bother with small talk. I go straight to the reason I wanted to come. “I was able to see Mackenzie and talk to her. It wasn’t easy to get her to agree to give me a few minutes. I did meet her…” I sigh. “Boyfriend,” I breathe out shakily. “Frankly, I don’t like the guy, but he could be a saint sent from God himself and I still wouldn’t approve.” I shrug, not carin
g that I’m being obvious with my feelings. “I understand why you were worried, and I wish I could tell you me showing up helped in gettin’ her back here, but I wasn’t successful.”

  “Hunter,” he interrupts. “Somethin’ worked. She broke up with the man.”

  “What?” My head snaps to meet his eyes.

  “She told her sister,” Mr. Hill says casually while I’m reeling from the news.

  “When?” I could kiss the man giving me the best news I never thought I’d hear.

  “Tiffany didn’t tell me details, just that she got rid of him. Somethin’ ‘bout him wasn’t right. We never met him, but the way she spoke ‘bout him gave me and her momma a bad feeling.” His expression is glum as he talks, and I wonder what exactly she said about him that gave her parents a bad vibe. I saw him in person and heard him yell at her, so I have a reason to think he’s bad for her.

  “When I got to her place they were arguing. I could hear them from outside the door. I didn’t like what I heard. Sounded like he was trying to force her to go somewhere. When she yelled at him to not touch her, I banged on the door, scared out of my wits.” Guilt for sharing this sneaks up but her parents need to know. I’d never forgive myself if she ended up with someone who would hurt her. Not if I can help it.

  Mr. Hill nods, pensive. “She needs to move back. Her contract is up, and she promised us she’d move back here once that happened. Now she’s talkin’ ‘bout job offers and lease extensions. I want my little girl to be successful, but I don’t want her to lose herself in the process.” He’s staring at the wall behind me as he speaks. Maybe she’s changed more than I realized when I saw her, too caught up in my own pain to see it.

  I shake my head and tug my hair. “I’m gonna win ‘er back, sir, and when I do it won’t take long to make ‘er mine. I want your blessing to marry Mackenzie when the time comes.”

  “I’ve been waiting for this for some time now.” He nods. “Took ya long enough,” he smirks. “I know you two had your issues, but she was happy with you. She hasn’t been happy in a long time. Make her smile again.”