Memories of Us

by Fabiola Francisco

  She always knew how to move her body, whether it was on the sidelines in her cheerleading outfit or privately with me under the night sky.

  As we travel deeper into the woods, I hear the rushing of the river. I smile, remembering the summers we’d stop to swim in it and return soaked. The water would slice my skin with its freezing temperatures, but it was an excuse to hold her close as we floated. No matter how cold the water was, having her heat close to me would make me hard. I can almost hear her laughter as she’d pretend to shove me when I’d thrust into her, teasing her.

  When the river comes into view, I halt Addie and dismount. I let her graze as I walk to the edge of the water with my journal. I squat and open it to a blank page.

  With the background noise of water and the distant memory of Mackenzie’s giggles, I write.

  I can barely grasp the ghost of you

  And what we were

  But I remember your smile

  And I can almost taste your lips

  I stare at the flow of water that washes away debris and cleanses the rocks beneath it. Our love was like that, fast and hard, but constant.

  When Addie neighs, I make my way back to her and climb on, continuing on my journey. I head toward the watermill. Every path always leads me back to that place. It’s the only deep connection I have with my past with Mackenzie and I can’t seem to let it go. No matter what.

  As I slow Addie down, I hear sniffling. I scrunch my eyebrows, leaning my body forward to get a better listen. Addie snorts, moving her head repeatedly. I allow her to lead me as her steps take me closer to the watermill house and what now sounds like crying.

  I freeze when I see Mackenzie’s body hunched over, hugging her knees. I stop Addie, despite her wanting to get to Mackenzie, and watch as she cries into her lap, body trembling. Addie snorts again, causing Mackenzie’s head to snap up and look around for the sound.

  When she turns her head and sees me, my heart breaks at her swollen eyes and disheveled hair.

  “Hey,” I whisper. “Sorry, didn’t know anyone would be here.” I get off Addie and make my way to Mackenzie.

  “It’s okay. I can go. I guess we need to share custody of this place.” She wipes her face with the back of her thumb and stands.

  I rush to her and grab her hand. “Stay.” It’s a one-word plea that I pray she listens to. I don’t release her hand when I sit, hoping she follows my actions and sits next to me.

  “I always loved this place.” She looks around.

  “Me, too.” I squeeze her hand.

  After a few beats of analyzing the space, she sits next to me, leaving enough space where my leg won’t brush against hers.

  “You okay?” I ask when the silence weighs in the air.

  “Yeah.” She gasps for air. “Great.”

  “Liar,” I whisper, teasing her with a smile. I hate to see her like this.

  “It’s hard being back, you know?” She doesn’t look at me.

  “I know.” I nod. “Weird returning here after so long.”

  “Yeah,” she sighs. “So many memories. Good and bad.” She turns her head to look at me. She blinks back a fresh wave of tears and smiles sadly.

  “Most good,” I tell her.

  “But the bad ones are so heavy.” Her shoulders drop, as if the weight of the pain is too much for her to bear anymore.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Does it matter anymore?” She’s resigning to what our lives have become.

  “Yes,” I nod. “It fuckin’ matters a lot. I never wanted to hurt you.”

  She doesn’t respond, staring at the wooden wheel to the right of her.

  “Kenzie, I meant what I said in LA. I never stopped lovin’ you. No way I can ever stop. Don’t you get it? You’re everything to me. My entire life is you.”

  “You were glad that our baby left.” Her voice is so low I barely hear her.

  My hand runs down my face, the force almost knocking my hat off. “I wasn’t glad. Mackenzie, listen to me. I wasn’t glad, but—”

  “Don’t you dare say it. Don’t, Hunter.” She points at me, eyes wide and nostrils flared, her voice catching in her throat.

  “Mackenzie,” I plead.

  “You’re not who I thought.” She stands and begins pacing.

  “I’m me. I’m fucking me,” my voice rises. “I never changed.”

  “You were relieved I miscarried.”

  “I was scared. It was unexpected. I didn’t even know you were pregnant. It happened, and the timing was just…” Fuck. How do I say this?

  “The timing wasn’t right,” she finishes for me, her words flat and void of emotion.

  “It wasn’t. We had plans. We had things we wanted to accomplish before we had a baby. God, you were still in college. We were going to move to Nashville a few months after. Yeah, the timing wouldn’t have been the best, but you know what? Had you stayed pregnant, I wouldn’t have walked. We would’ve made it work. Because all I’ve ever wanted was you.”

  Mackenzie wipes her cheeks. “I can’t do this.”

  “Don’t fucking walk, Kenzie.” My voice is gruff.

  “You walked first.” She turns to leave.

  “I was twenty-two. I was an idiot. I wanted to go to Nashville with you and didn’t want anything to hold us back from that,” I yell, squeezing my fists.

  “Fuck, Mackenzie!” My voice vibrates around the wooden structure.

  “Don’t.” She turns around, pointing her finger at me. “I had just found out I was pregnant a few days before. I was gonna tell you that night until I started bleeding at school. When I went to the clinic they confirmed what I already knew—I had lost the baby. It was so early on, there were no real complications. Except in my heart. I didn’t know I’d love somethin’ that much so fast. And then you…”

  “I’m sorry.” I reach for her, but she’s too far gone. “I never meant it the way it came out, but you were blinded by anger and hurt. You don’t think I ever dreamed of having a family with you? What it would be like to fill the house with kids that looked just like you—beautiful, lovin’, smart. Fuck, it was all I ever wanted.” I drop my head in my hands, my hat falling to the floor.

  My emotions wrack my body. I don’t care if she sees me break down. I don’t care that she witnesses a grown man cry.

  “I lost the two things I loved the most that night.” Tears stream down her face. “I never recuperated, but we can’t…” She shakes her head.

  “I can’t be more exposed than I am right now.” I open my arms and move my head to clean my nose with the shoulder of my shirt. “I’m here, beggin’ you not to throw away another chance at us. Fuckin’ crying because I miss you so much it hurts.”

  Her tears match mine, neither of us backing down, both stubborn as mules.

  “You moved on while I had to stay with the memory of what it was like to see blood when I thought I had my baby safe inside me.”

  “Our baby,” I correct her. “I haven’t moved on. You think I’m livin’ some kinda dream, but I ain’t doin’ more than existing. Tryin’ to make it each mornin’ as I write songs that break open my heart and goin’ to bed drunk, hatin’ myself for the things I said and how I said them.”

  I drop my body on the steps, hitting the back of my head on the wooden wall of the watermill. I close my eyes, wishing she would see through me to the pain and guilt I’ve been carrying.

  “I thought I could move on if I followed my own dream, even if the location wasn’t my first choice. I thought the distance would help me forget.” Her words break as she speaks. I open my eyes to see her standing before me, her body casting a shadow over me. “I thought if I moved on with someone else, I’d forget about you, the baby, this place.” She eyes the watermill.

  “It’s impossible to forget,” I tell her. Her face is swollen and red, her eyes shine with fresh tears and her lips are tucked into her mouth.

  “You’re fucking beautiful.”

  “Hunter…” she shakes her head.<
br />
  “I won’t lie to you. I’ve always been honest, even if you didn’t want to hear my honesty.”

  “We can’t.” She shrugs.

  “Give me one good reason.” I stand, towering over her.

  “I live in California,” she states.

  “That’s a poor excuse. I know your contract is up this summer. You have two months left. Come home. We’ll make it work. I’m gonna be comin’ down on weekends to help my dad when I don’t have to work. You could come to Nashville, also. You could meet Rebel Desire. They’re dyin’ to meet you,” I smirk, praying this gets through her thick skull.

  “I don’t know.” Her head shakes, but I see her resolve melting.

  “Think about it. I will tell you, I plan on visitin’ you again, so be prepared. I would’ve gone sooner, but work picked up. Then, I saw you here.” I reach for her hand squeezing her fingers. “I have no doubt that we’re meant to be together, even with a hiccup in our path. Every word I’ve ever written is for you, about you, inspired by us.” She blinks up at me, silent and chewing the left corner of her lip. I want to remove it from between her teeth. I want to kiss away the tear stains on her face. I want her to breathe life back into me as my lips mold with hers.

  “How’d you get here?” I ask.

  “I walked.”

  “Want a ride?” I look back at a patient Addie. She deserves a million medals for remaining calm.

  “I don’t know.”

  “For old time’s sake. I’ll take ya home before the rain rolls in. You won’t even need to wrap your arms around me, although I wouldn’t turn down the opportunity.”

  Mackenzie rolls her eyes.

  “Come on, cowgirl. It’s been too long since I’ve given you a ride.”

  Her cheeks turn pink and I know I’ve convinced her. I lead her toward Addie, who shakes her head when she sees Mackenzie up close.

  “Hey, Addie.” Mackenzie coos as she touches her. “She’s still as beautiful.”

  I nod, my eyes trained on her. “Sure is.”

  I’M EMOTIONALLY SPENT by the time I agree to ride with Hunter. I snuck out to visit the watermill when the guilt from last night spread like flesh-eating bacteria, destroying my being. It was petty of me to rub Sean’s invitation in Hunter’s face, but I let him get the best of me and now I feel like a bitch. I saw the torture screw his face as he sang. When his eyes lifted to gaze into mine, I couldn’t look away. I could barely contain the tears threatening to spill, but my pride had won the war between surrendering to my emotions and holding the façade that I don’t care about him.

  I’ve never seen him react with such anger in my life. I didn’t stay long after that, telling Sean it wasn’t a good idea I drank anymore. I almost expected Jack or Julie to tell me something, some kind of message about how wrong it was and to give him a chance. It almost hurt more that they didn’t acknowledge me when they went out after him.

  I drop my head, shame clawing me. I’ve never been the vengeful type.

  As soon as I arrived at the watermill, the embarrassment, pain, and guilt exposed itself like a villain seeking revenge. The good memories we shared here painted on the walls splintered my soul. It was so much that I broke down, flooding it all with tears, the flow competing with the river.

  “Ready?” Hunter smiles down at me from his spot on Addie.

  “Yeah,” my voice is hoarse. I take his outreached hand and place my foot in the stirrup, using his strength to climb on behind him. I settle on Addie, my hands on her sides.

  Hunter clears his throat and begins trotting. We’re both silent as we ride, my body bouncing to the rhythm Addie is creating. It’s been years since I’ve been on a horse, and regardless of trying to keep my distance, the front of my body still presses against Hunter’s, different kinds of memories filling my mind now. I feel heat creep up my neck and take a deep, cooling breath, exhaling deeply through my mouth.

  Hunter’s back straightens when I breathe out, and we shake as Addie’s hoof lands on a small ditch. My hands instinctively move to Hunter’s back, so I don’t skid off the horse. I want nothing more than to keep my hands there, wrap them around his middle and scoot closer, resting my chin on his shoulder as I look at the view in front of him.

  But we aren’t together anymore.

  “I thought we’d beat the rain,” Hunter groans. As soon as he speaks, I feel a cool drop land on my forehead. I look up, my palms flat on Hunter’s back.

  “Looks like we didn’t,” I respond. We’re making our way back, not too far from my house, but enough distance that if the sky opens up on us, I’ll get home soaked.

  “Hold on, I’m about to pick up speed.”

  My hands close on the sides of his waist as Addie races through the field. Green flashes by us until the rain blurs my view and I shiver as the water pounds down on us. I tighten my hold when Addie takes off in a full sprint, bouncing on the edge of the saddle.

  By the time we make it to my house, my sweater is soaked, and my braid is dripping. Hunter stops Addie inside one of the barns further away from my house, so we’re safe from the downpour.

  “Thanks.” I move my hands and slide down until my boots hit the ground. Hunter follows behind me, removing his hat and letting the bit of water accumulated on it fall to the ground. He always looked so handsome when he wore it.

  “You’re welcome.” He stares me up and down, pausing at my soaked chest. I cross my arms and he looks at my face again, a smirk on his lips. My heart stops when he reaches his hand out and moves a strand of hair from my face. “Are you free tonight?” I shake my head. “Are you sure?” I nod. “Have dinner with me,” he demands.

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea. Today has been way too emotional. I just need to relax.” My eyes flutter closed for a brief moment when his hand cups my cheek. He takes a step forward. My heart accelerates when I feel his breath on my face.

  “Hunter,” I whisper. “Don’t.” I take a step back. “Please.” His head drops along with his hand.

  “I miss you,” he sighs. “So damn much. Every day. There’s never been anyone but you who could fill my life with love.”

  “I’m sorry.” I shrug, not knowing what to say. I’m not ready to pretend we’re okay.

  “I’m stayin’ ’til tomorrow mornin’. If you change your mind about dinner, call me. It’s the same number as always.”

  I tilt my head. He never gives up. It was one of the reasons I loved him so much. If he had to pitch a tent and stay up all night until my stubborn ass was ready to talk to him after a fight, he would. His patience clearly hasn’t wavered through the years.

  “Thank you again. Have a safe trip back to Nashville.”

  “I’ll be seein’ you, Mackenzie Grace.” My heart pounds. He always used my middle name when he was dead set on something, and I know he’ll be showing up in Los Angeles soon, whether I give him the okay or not.

  “Bye, Hunter.” I turn and walk through the opposite entrance of the barn, kicking into a sprint when I’m met with the spring rain again.

  I shake as much water off my body as I can before entering the house, leaving a trail of water as I rush to my bedroom.

  “Mackenzie.” I skid to a stop when I hear my mom call me.

  “Crap, Mom, you scared me.” My hand clutches my chest.

  “What were you doing outside?” Her eyebrows shoot up.

  “I had gone for a walk and got the rain on the way back,” I partially lie.

  “Well, go dry off before you get sick. That water is freezin’.”

  “On my way.” I speed-walk the rest of the way to my room and close the door, clicking the lock. I lean my head back, not caring about the puddle soaking the carpet. The vision behind my closed eyes is Hunter leaning close to me, his hand gentle on my cheek. If I hadn’t stepped back and stopped him, his lips would’ve brushed against mine.

  My heart races in spurts as I calm myself down from the ride and the sprint.

  When my teeth begin to clatter togethe
r, I move away from the door and grab my towel and clothes. A hot shower will slow my racing heart and melt away the want I had to let Hunter kiss me. Just once. For old time’s sake.

  Who am I kidding?

  Once is never enough with him.

  My cold skin burns under the streaming shower until it adjusts. I close my eyes and stay still, the only movement is my right hand resting on my stomach. No matter how many years pass, I still cry over the baby I lost. My heart would break all over again when the date that Hunter and I broke up would roll around, for two reasons—the loss of the baby and the loss of the man I loved since I was a girl.

  I open my eyes, droplets of water dripping from my eyelashes and down my face. I rub it away, showering and leaving my thoughts locked up in my mind. I’ve stirred up the past enough today.

  “Where were you?”

  “Jesus Christ, Tiff. You’re gonna give me a heart attack.” Accusing eyes stare at me from where she’s sitting on my bed.

  “You could’ve at least turned on the light.” The dark clouds outside have dimmed the sun from lighting the room.

  Tiffany crosses her arms and stays planted on the mattress. I tighten the towel wrapped around my body, feeling as if she could pierce through it with her glare and see the truth I’ve been hiding in my heart.

  “I went for a walk. To the old watermill.” I open a drawer from my dresser and take out a pair of jogger sweatpants and a tee shirt. “Mind giving me a second to change?” I turn to look at her.

  “You’re my sister. Get dressed. I’m not done asking you questions.”

  I breathe out heavily and turn around, showing her my white ass.

  As I throw my clothes on and wring my hair with the towel, Tiffany sighs. “Were you with Hunter?”

  “I saw him. He showed up at the watermill.”

  “And?” She moves until she’s laying on her stomach, chin in her hands, facing me.

  “Nothing happened. He saw me there and we talked. I yelled while he asked for forgiveness. I surrendered and accepted a ride back on Addie. I was too emotional to walk back.” I shove her lightly to get her to move and sit on the bed, crossing my legs.