My Heart

by LEIGH ARMSTRONG

This morning I hope to make amends for my bizarre behavior last night but Michael isn’t up. I pick up my coffee cup and walk over to the sliding doors, letting in the cold air, whipping around to a new voice behind me.

  “Oh hey, I’m Lauren. I was with Michael last night.”

  Shock and awe. Say something. “Would you like some coffee?”

  “No. Are you Jamie?”

  “Yes.”

  “Nice to meet you. He told me you were his roommate. You’re a lucky girl—he’s incredible. Well, bye.”

  He never brings girls home. Why is this weirding me out? I sit down and turn on the TV, just as he comes out of his room, holding his head and squinting from the morning sun.

  “Jamie, you’re up.”

  “I am. I just met your friend.”

  He goes in for coffee, coming out with a bottle of ibuprofen. “Where is Caleb?”

  “He left after we watched a movie last night. Nothing physical, just a movie.”

  He closes his eyes.

  “I guess you didn’t drink enough water, so maybe I should have worried about you.” I got up, needing to leave.

  “Jamie please, can we talk?”

  “No, it’s alright. I just didn’t expect her this morning. You can make your own choices without anyone questioning them, just like me.” I walk past him to sit down on the far end of the sofa.

  “Look, I drank too much and she walked home with me. She stayed because it was late. I apologize about what I said. It’s not my place to give advice to you.”

  Now I feel ridiculous. He has always been protective of me. “You don’t owe me an explanation of why she was here. As for last night, I appreciate your concern for me, but I’m not your responsibility.”

  “I care.”

  I bump his arm. “I know you do.” We sit in silence for a few minutes. “Old man, you look rough. Can I do anything for you?”

  “Old man?”

  “Yep.” I push him over. “A shower might help that hangover.”

  “Thanks for caring.”

  “Oh, and some water, maybe food.” He tosses a pillow at me as I walk off to the kitchen.

  Chapter 10

  After a breakfast of pancakes and sausage, Michael agrees to go along with me to pick out a tree. In a few days I will spend my first Christmas alone with no family or friends. A decision I made for myself, after declining their offers of trips and them having to wonder when I might break down.

  Two hours later, we loaded the small evergreen into my truck, but not before devouring mini donuts, a cup of warm apple cider, and pics with Santa. I would say it’s a great start so far. We arrive back home so Michael can pack for his trip and I set out to make snowflakes, hang a string of white lights, and cut a successful star out of aluminum. Standing back, marveling at my rustic creation, I hear him coming up the hall.

  “Did you make these ornaments while I packed?”

  “Some.”

  “Thanks for today. It was fun even with my hangover.”

  “A ritual everyone should do at least once in their lifetime.”

  He reaches over, touching a limb. “As a kid, trees magically appeared fully decorated and in every room. This experience was much better. Thank you.”

  I look at him then at the tree. “I guess you need to go, so you don’t miss your flight.”

  “You’re right. Save me some cookies—I saw the grocery list of ingredients.”

  “I will. See you in seven days.”

  After he leaves, I take a bath, paint my toenails a festive red color, and fill my day with chilling on the sofa watching TV while eating whatever I want. I lock up about 11:00, cut off all lights, and settle in my bed. Looking at my family photos, past Christmas memories run through my brain as I sink down in the covers hoping for sleep.

  The next day I keep my pajamas on, braid my hair and welcome the morning. I decide on juice first, so I head to the fridge, grabbing the juice bottle from behind the milk. The bottle has a note attached.

  Jamie there is a surprise on my bed that comes from a conversation we had a while back.

  Enjoy! PS: We need more juice. Merry Christmas, Michael

  I walk to his room, curious as a cat, and find a sketchpad with pencils tied up in a green ribbon. He really listens. I go back to the kitchen to send him a text and then eat a big bowl of cereal. Several holiday themed movies and a long nap later, I awake to a dark apartment, startled by loud knocking at my door. Fumbling with the lamp, I make my way to the door and peek out at the person on the other side. Stacey? Why is she here, knowing he’s gone? The banging continues even louder than before. I open the door as she pushes past me.

  “May I help you?”

  “Maybe. I have something for you.”

  “For me?”

  “Are you sick? Because you look sick.”

  I look at my daylong pajama party outfit. “No.”

  “Oh, I thought the way you were dressed…never mind. Here.” She passes me an envelope. “I’m involved in a society of women here on campus,--I’m the president, actually— and we do a lot of volunteering in the community. We’re not only about parties. We’re about giving to those who need assistance with chores, tutoring, and errands etc.”

  “Why me?”

  “The people we help are down on their luck financially, physically, and need our help. You seem to come from a simple background, which will allow you to communicate with them and let them know we’re here for them. Besides, you look like you enjoy working.”

  Did she just insult me?

  “Look it over and come check us out. There is a number to RSVP. This organization can be a game changer for you. Where are you from?”

  “Covington, Texas.” Crap why did I tell her.

  She points at the tree. “Does Michael know about that?”

  “Yes, he helped pick it out. Do you have holiday plans to leave campus?”

  Her arms are crossed as she looks at the tree. “Tomorrow. Was it your idea? He’s never had one in the apartment.”

  “Yes. He told me that and I wanted it.”

  She whirls around, walking to the door. “I hope you will consider my offer. Happy holidays!”

  “Thanks.” I shut the door. That was odd.

  The next day I begin to sketch, setting myself up on the balcony looking out over the lake. I began my quest to ignite my artistic talent and began drawing the serene scene in front of me. After a few hours I take a break, eating an orange, and pondering the invite from Stacey. The white cardstock embossed in gold trim says:

  You are invited to join the Hopson Campus Society of Women, January 12 @ 4:00.

  The address was clearly on sorority row, but is it a fancy one or truly like she said? I set it back down and continue my sketch. Pete calls needing help, so I take a last minute shift at 42, and return home about 11:30. I plop down on the sofa, turn on my friend the TV, and slip away only to wake up early the next morning on the sofa. Today I bake cookies. But first, a shower.

  *

  I sit drinking coffee this morning, wondering if my sleeping marathon is done because today is finally Christmas Eve. I wonder if the weather report will be correct with Hopson receiving two to three inches of snow tonight. How perfect would that be? I look over the package I received from Susan, while enjoying one of many chocolate treats she sent me. I did exactly the same for her: chocolate treats, a Hopson hoodie, and a small stuffed tiger. Ruby forwarded a care package of food—so appreciated! Included were all her own creations: sweet potato biscuits, cherry turnovers, and her famous pumpkin bread with cream cheese frosting. She also sent some handwritten recipes she thought I might enjoy, including her lemon bars. My present to her was a Hopson blanket, along with fudge I made myself. If I was home today, she would be finishing up a mouthwatering meal for us to share at town hall, then we would take a hay ride with our neighbors to church for a play, and then back home to open one special item from each other. But today I create my own tradition. I turn up the music and hea
d to the kitchen to prepare my meal for later.

  My day although fun, messy, and delicious was exhausting. I don’t know how Ruby did it every year. Instead of milk and decorated sugar cookies after my just devoured meal, I choose wine with gingerbread cookies. Mix that with the movie on TV where the father and son get trapped on the mountain unsure if they will return to witness the birth of the new baby and be with the family for Christmas, I begin to feel tears filling my eyes, as the snow starts to fall outside. Now I’m full-blown crying. Why? What was I thinking? I should have gone home. Being separated from family and friends during the holidays was not the answer. Face it, I was scared about not knowing how I might act. I grab a tissue as my phone vibrates. Michael’s picture appears on the screen. I wipe my eyes, taking in some deep breaths before answering.

  “Hey, it’s snowing here.”

  “So you like snow?”

  I swallow, not to full out sob over the phone. “Yes, I do.”

  He pauses. “How are things really?”

  Pull it together, Jamie. “Good, how are things there?”

  “Fine.”

  “Your voice says different.”

  “Let’s just say my mother has invited single ladies to every party in hopes I will make a love connection.”

  “Oh, that explains your tone. How did it go?”

  “Not well.”

  “You can explain more when you get back. Let me add to your somber mood: Stacey stopped by.”

  “What did she want?”

  “Me. She dropped off an invitation to an upcoming meeting in January to join her group.”

  “I wouldn’t trust her.”

  “Well I don’t, but they do a lot of good in the community because I looked them up. Do you have big plans tonight?”

  “Dinner at my uncle’s for about 30 people.”

  “Well, I should let you get back to your family. Merry Christmas, Michael.”

  “Merry Christmas, Jamie.”

  Chapter 11

  Iend the call, knowing she’s not doing well, and I’d rather be with her in the apartment when a hand presses on my shoulder.

  “Hey, Mom.”

  “What’s wrong, dear?”

  “Sorry, my mind is somewhere else.”

  “You’ve been out of it since arriving. Why?”

  “A girl.”

  “You’re dating?”

  “No. Her name is Jamie and she stayed home for the holiday break.”

  “She’s with her family?”

  “No.”

  “I’m a pretty good listener if you want to elaborate.”

  Without another hesitation, I explode with details of the one person monopolizing my thoughts. When I’m done, my mother just smiles.

  “You live with a girl that you’ve developed feelings for.”

  “She’s unlike anyone I’ve ever met.”

  “You like her.”

  “Yes, but after all she’s been through, she needs friends—people to trust. We have a great relationship and I won’t be selfish by telling her my feelings while she deals with her own.”

  She walks in front of me. “Jamie is a lucky girl to have someone to care about her. I think you know what to do right now. I will explain the situation to your father. If I had known, I wouldn’t have invited all those girls.”

  “Well, if anything, it helped me realize what I’m feeling is real.”

  Jamie

  I wake to the scent of chocolate cake or muffins. I sit up in bed with a smile on my face and then my eyes pop open. Wait, I’m alone. I crawl out of bed, grabbing an umbrella next to my door, remembering my phone is on the coffee table. I peek outside to the living room listening to noises from the kitchen. Walking quietly, I trip over a bag, and land on my hip. A person runs out of the kitchen.

  “Jamie!”

  “Michael?”

  “I’m sorry! I dropped them when I came in and you were sleeping. Let me help. Are you hurt?”

  “Just embarrassed. Why are you back so early and what is that smell?”

  “Come into the kitchen and you’ll see then I can explain. When I told my mother about you she had the chef pack up Christmas Breakfast and sent me back to you.”

  “How did you get a flight?”

  “I drove.”

  “You must be tired.”

  “I am but this is what you have been smelling. A fresh-from-the-oven full pan of chocolate croissants.”

  “They are heaven in a pan.”

  “She also sent lunch, dinner, and a box of brownies. Your voice sounded different on the phone last night. Like you were crying.”

  “I couldn’t hide it huh? It was because I realized being alone was not what I really wanted. I was scared of being an emotional basket case in front of everyone and ruining their holiday. I’m truly happy to see you.”

  “Well you are not alone anymore. Let’s eat.”

  “What’s in the pitcher?”

  “Mimosas with cranberry. She thought you might like it.”

  “Your mother is awesome.”

  We sit on the floor while listening to each other tell the tales of the last few days apart.

  “Oh, I have something for you.” I crawl over to the tree and grab the only thing left to open.”

  He smiles, then tears into the gift. “Guitar picks. Where did you find them?”

  “An antique store in town called ‘Lilac.’ Do you like them? They belonged to Jimmy Hendricks. Story is he was doing a concert at the college and stopped for a bite to eat at ‘Artie’s Restaurant,’ which caused a huge commotion. To make amends he gave Artie the picks for compensation. Artie kept them for years with the story written on an order ticket.”

  “They are great, thank you. I’ll be right back.” He comes back with a small box. “This is for you.”

  “You already gave me a gift.”

  “This is the real one.”

  I carefully pull at the blue ribbon and take off the top, revealing a tiny chain with a diamond pendent.

  “I hope this compliments the diamond earrings your dad gave you. Besides I owe you big for helping me get my act together since moving in.”

  I giggle, then pick up my glass. “Here’s to good friends.”

  “To good friends.”

  Chapter 12

  We filled our winter break talking, eating our way through the food delivery menus, and learning more about each other. Running has become a normal part of my day, of our day. He challenges me when we run together, and when I run by myself, its therapy. The “42” is hosting a Red, White & Blue New Year’s Eve Bash today, which usually brings in a good crowd from town. I enter, heading to the back. I run into Pete as I’m grabbing my apron.

  “Hey.”

  His arms are filled with boxes. “Happy New Year.”

  “Happy New Year to you. What’s all this?”

  “For the party. Are you ready for the massive turnout?”

  “Yes, I think so. Point me in the direction I can be most helpful.”

  “Go ahead and start setting up the tables with all the normal items, then the balloon table arrangements. Over there is a table for party hats, necklaces, blinking lights—all the fun, loud items people can take.”

  “Got it.”

  Everyone pitched in and then it was time to go home, dress, and be back for a big party.

  *

  Unlike the Christmas party, which was by exclusive invites only, this time we worked and anyone could attend. I cleared tables, delivered food, called cabs and sanitized the bathrooms a few times. The night was going smoothly until I noticed who had just blown in. Stacey wore a tight black dress with black thigh high boots and she brought people with her. I see Michael behind the bar stocking beer, just as she makes her way over to him. As he turns to leave, she grabs him in an unexpected hug. Surprised by her, he jerks away, leading her out of the bar area. Why am I so focused on them? He coaxes her out, then the bouncer blocks her path to him. All is done, Michael, one Stacey, zero.
Was that her stomping her foot? I guess she thought that if she was nice to me, she’d win him over. Michael leaves from behind the bar, heading upstairs so I follow. The door is cracked open, I knock when I hear, “Not now.”

  “Michael, its Jamie. Can I come in?”

  “Yes, of course.”

  I find him behind his desk with a glass and bottle sitting next to him. He turns it up.

  “I hope I’m not intruding but I saw what happened.”

  “Yeah, along with everyone else.”

  “Is there anything I can do?”

  He smiles. “No, I just need some time. I’ll be down soon.

  “Okay.” I turn to leave. “She just needs to see you are not available. Maybe then she’ll stop trying to win you back. I’ll see you downstairs.”

  *

  Michael

  The door shuts behind Jamie and I push away from my desk. I don’t want her to think this is the only way I can deal with my issues. The guy I was with Stacey is not who I am now and I need to work at keeping it that way. I need to find Jamie to explain.

  Jamie

  As people wait for their New Year’s Eve kiss, I find myself cleaning tables. Is this going to be my year? To let go and find someone? The countdown has begun with everyone cheering, making use of many noisemakers. As the pairing off begins, I rest my bucket on a table when I see Michael coming through the crowd. Stacey gets up from the table as if to meet up with him. Is she serious? This is not going to happen again. What can I do? He’s almost right in front of her when I move in, stopping her from reaching him. Face to face I just smile at him as cheering turns into the final countdown.

  *

  “Jamie?”

  I place my hand on his chest. “I’m giving you an out. Do you trust me?”

  “Yes.”

  Stacey is close enough to hear my words. “Happy New Year, handsome!”

  I kiss him, a short quick peck. He’s in shock. I whisper. “Kiss me like you want me.” With my eyes, I motion to the left. He picks up on it right away and grins. My world stands still, stops revolving, and all noise is gone, with only the sound of blood pumping through my veins. His lips meet mine with a controlled, deep body-invading kiss. What started as a fun way to prove he was involved escalates quickly into me wanting him to never stop. My hands are around his neck and my body molds to his. He pulls back, rubbing my jaw with his thumb, giving me one last peck, then takes my hand in his.