Heller

by JD Nixon

  “What will we do for the rest of the evening?” I asked, determinedly bright. We let Niq choose what he wanted, and for whatever reason he wanted to chat in the hot tub, so after dinner, we changed, grabbed some music and wine and headed up to the roof-top. The warm water felt divine and I sank down until only my head was above the waterline. The jets worked their magic and I felt my muscles relaxing. We had let Niq choose the music and although Joy Division didn’t really match my mood, I wasn’t going to tangle with teenage hormones again tonight.

  At some point when I had my eyes closed, enjoying the warm pummelling, Heller silently arrived on the roof-top. I opened my eyes briefly, acknowledged him climbing into the hot tub with a glance, and closed them again. I was a jumble of emotions and hard decisions and wanted to avoid them all at the moment.

  “Did you have a good time today?” Heller asked me, deceptively genial.

  “Yes, thank you,” I replied politely, opening my eyes. The minions had obviously reported back to him, as expected.

  “She had a date with a nice man. He’s a science teacher,” offered Niq helpfully. I smiled at him, inwardly cursing his blunt honesty.

  Intense blue stare. “Was that Will? Did you ring him?”

  “Yes.”

  “You didn’t tell me.”

  “I didn’t think you needed to know. It was a date. Nothing connected to work.”

  “I need to know everything about you, Matilda.”

  “No, you don’t.” He was really starting to get on my nerves with that possessive attitude.

  “Yes, I do. I thought we’d established that.”

  “No. You. Don’t. And no. We. Hadn’t.” I glared at him, enunciating angrily.

  “Niq, time for bed,” Heller ordered in a strident voice. Niq knew better than to grumble and scrambled out of the hot tub without a word, turning off the music on his way to bed, wherever he decided that was tonight.

  Daniel started making moves as if to leave.

  “Stay Daniel, please!” I begged, desperate.

  “Daniel, you can go if you want to. Matilda and I have things to discuss,” Heller said gently, and so Daniel also left, throwing me an apologetic look over his shoulder. I couldn’t blame him. I didn’t want to be around either. In fact, I decided that I really didn’t want to be in the hot tub with Heller, so I started to climb out as well. He grabbed me by the foot. I thrashed around for a while, trying to kick his hand away. He slowly started pulling me backwards until the water was swallowing me up.

  “Don’t make me drown you, Matilda,” he threatened in that scary, quiet voice of his. I stopped thrashing and plonked down ungracefully. I crossed my arms and refused to make any eye contact with him, like the mature adult that I am. Then, when he thought I would be compliant, I suddenly jumped out of the hot tub and ran down to my flat, water gushing everywhere, slipping on the stairs in my haste. I’d worry about the mess in the morning.

  My heart was racing, I knew I only had a minute, so I stripped quickly, throwing my wet clothes into the bathtub, dried myself off and threw on some comfortable clothes. I was going to do this on my terms for once. I turned on some soothing music (for the savage beast about to arrive) and poured myself an enormous glass of wine. I had already sculled half of it and topped it up when, without even a knock, Heller flung open my door and barged in, slightly damp but dressed as well.

  He opened his mouth to continue the Will debate when I spoke up first. “I’ve been offered another job.”

  His mouth snapped shut. “No. What?”

  “Summer Days wants to revive my character for a year-long contract.”

  “The character that died in a fiery explosion after her car drove off a cliff?” he asked, sceptical.

  I shrugged. “They’ll make up some reason for her return. Evil twin sister, plastic surgery, mistaken identity, witness protection. Whatever.”

  He sat down heavily on the lounge. “You don’t want that job.” It was an assertion, a question and a hint of a plea all in the same sentence.

  “I might.”

  “Matilda.” He shifted angry and unhappy blue eyes to mine.

  “Heller.”

  We duelled with our eyes for a long moment. Unexpectedly, he sprang up, grasped my hand and dragged me up a floor to his flat. He took me over to two gift-wrapped packages sitting neatly aligned on a sideboard in his living room

  “Go on,” he encouraged. “Open them up. They were going to be presents for you when you got your licence.”

  I shot him a fierce look and unwrapped the first package. I unfolded the tissue paper to find a Heller’s work shirt inside. I frowned at Heller and pulled it out. I noticed immediately it was cut to a woman’s style in my size, not one of the usual huge man-sized shirts. I frantically turned back to the package and dug out the matching Tilly-sized black cargo pants. I opened the second package and discovered a pair of chunky black boots also in my size and a utility belt. I finally had my own Heller’s uniform. With no warning, tears sprang into my eyes. I tried to furtively wipe them away.

  “What’s the matter?”

  I sniffed as quietly as possible. “It’s just that what I always thought I wanted, I’m not sure about any more.” He didn’t jump to comfort me as he normally would. “What’s the matter with you?” I asked him angrily.

  “You weren’t open with me, Matilda. You went off to meet your ‘boyfriend’ and didn’t tell me.”

  “As if you didn’t find out five seconds after I went to meet him. Why do I have to tell you everything, when you already know everything?”

  “I wish I did know everything!” he fired back, voice raised, accent stronger. “You know that I worry about you and I didn’t know where you were. Niq wanted you and I couldn’t tell him where you were because I didn’t know. And you didn’t answer your phone.”

  “Why don’t you just keep me on a chain in the backyard?” I volleyed heatedly.

  “Matilda.” His sigh was weary. “Why do you mind so much that I care about you?”

  I suddenly deflated as well. “I don’t know. You’re so intense. It’s just too much sometimes. I’m not used to someone being so intense about me.”

  “There’s that word again.”

  “Intense. Yeah, it’s a good word to describe you.”

  He turned away so I couldn’t see the expression on his face. When he turned back, his face was blank as usual. “I can’t force you to stay with us. But if you do decide to leave, can it be because you are following your dream, not because you are trying to escape from me? Niq and Daniel will never forgive me if that’s the reason.”

  “I’m not trying to escape from you. I only want some space now and then.”

  “You like this man Will?”

  “Yep. And you’ll like him too when you met him.”

  “No, I won’t like him, Matilda. When I meet him, all I will think about is hurting him.”

  I stared at him, appalled.

  “Too intense?”

  I nodded vigorously. “Yeah, definitely too intense!”

  He stepped closer, tenderly pushing a lock of escaped hair back behind my ear and looking down at me with an alien softness in his eyes that made my heart beat faster. “I knew the second I saw you that I would hire you.”

  “Really?” All I remembered was that I’d been bleeding and clueless, dumbstruck at meeting him for the first time.

  “There you were on your hands and knees, nose bleeding and bruised, dressed in that hideous suit, with a desperate expression in your eyes and no experience or skills –”

  “Hey, steady on!” I complained. “You make me sound completely hopeless.”

  He didn’t even hear me. “And all I could think about was that a gem had just dropped into my life.”

  “A gem?” What the hell? I’d never been called that before.

  “Yes, a gem – someone rare and precious. Dropped right into my life, just like that, when I least expected it. And after I’d interviewed so many unintere
sting, sycophantic people who told me what they thought I wanted to hear and who would never have fitted into this family. I’d almost given up on finding anyone. When I saw you, my instincts told me that you would end up being very important to me. And I always listen to my instincts because they’re inevitably right.”

  I hardly dared to breathe, imprisoned in his blueness. “Were they right this time too?”

  He smiled. “Of course they were. Just as they were about the twins and Daniel and Niq. And that’s why I worry about you so much, because you are so important. It’s an ugly world out there, Matilda, and I need to know that the people who matter to me are safe. I’m sorry if that means that you think I’m too controlling or over-protective, but I need it to be that way. I can’t change the way I am.”

  We regarded each other in silence. “You think I’m important?”

  “I think you’re very important,” he agreed. “And not only to me, but to all of us here.”

  I was lost for words. It was probably the nicest thing anybody had ever said to me before. I didn’t even think I was important.

  “And besides,” he continued, a teasing note to his voice. “I felt sorry for you. Who else was going to give you a job looking like that? I was doing a public service by hiring you.”

  “Heller! I loved that suit. It was –”

  “Cheap and ugly?”

  “Half-price!”

  He laughed, kissed me softly on the forehead and gave me a little push towards the packages. “Try on your uniform. I asked Mei to arrange it, so the sizing should be right.”

  Without even thinking, I stripped off my t-shirt and slipped on the monogrammed black polo shirt. I was halfway though pulling my jeans off when I realised that he was watching, attentive amusement on this face. Of course I felt the telltale fire in my cheeks straight away.

  “Sorry. I should have gone into the bathroom to change, but I was so excited.”

  “Do you hear me complaining?” he said with a lazy smile.

  Soon enough, I stood in front of him, a fully-fledged Heller’s officer. I twirled around, so he could see from every angle.

  “Very nice,” he approved. “That uniform has never looked so appealing before.”

  I stared at myself in the mirror, suddenly weighed down with responsibility. “I can’t leave here.”

  “Of course you can’t. You love me too much.”

  “That’s the main reason of course.” I rolled my eyes. “But I promised Niq that I wasn’t going anywhere. He was so upset at the thought of me leaving, and he doesn’t even know about this job offer.” I looked at my reflection again. “And I could never leave Daniel either. Not now that I’ve heard his story.”

  “They’ve both become very attached to you. You’ve been very good for them. Neither of them has ever had a positive relationship with a woman before. They’ve had no constructive female role models in their lives. Both their mothers betrayed them in the worst possible way. Psychologically, having you around is very beneficial for them.”

  For a moment I thought about that and all of its ramifications for me.

  “I’m not used to anyone relying on me. In my family, I’m the one who can’t get their act together. The one who relies on other people when everything falls apart. To be responsible for someone else . . . well, it’s such a challenge for me, a huge responsibility. I’m not good with responsibility. I’m not good with challenges.” I thought some more. “Or commitment.”

  “You’ll get used to it.” There was a hard edge to his voice, as if he wasn’t going to give me any choice about it. “I had to.”

  I reached out to touch his forearm lightly. “There’s so much I want to know about you, Heller. Did you have a terrible childhood too? Is that what made you want to rescue other boys?” I paused. “And the odd girl?”

  “You’re not that odd,” he smiled, tweaking my nose and dodging the scrunched-up piece of tissue paper I chucked at his head.

  I returned to the mirror to assess myself again in my Heller’s uniform. I never thought that I’d ever be wearing a uniform, but I liked it. It suited me. I felt like a somebody wearing it, and I suddenly understood what Daniel had been saying.

  “You belong here, Matilda. You belong with us.”

  I made up my mind. “You’re right. I do belong here,” I said, my eyes flicking his way in the mirror. “I’m not leaving my new family.”

  His hands landed on my arms and spun me around to face him. He slid them up to my shoulders, massaging them gently. “This is it, Matilda. Now you’ve made this decision to stay, I expect that you are making a full commitment to me and my team and that you will turn your back on acting forever. I expect you to be loyal to me and to put my interests – our interests – above everybody else in your life, including family, friends, and . . . any lovers. I demand complete loyalty from my staff, and I’ll expect nothing less from you.” He waited for me to object and when I didn’t, he softly squeezed my shoulders, his thumbs creeping up to stroke my neck. I tried not to purr. “In return, I promise to protect you, to provide for you, to be there when you need me, and to give you as much freedom as I think is compatible with your safety and my need to be assured of your safety.”

  We held each other’s eyes. It had the solemn sound of a marriage ceremony of sorts – a commitment ceremony, maybe.

  “Do we have a deal?” he asked.

  I hesitated. I was apprehensive about what was in store for me in the future, but the simple fact for me was that I couldn’t imagine any life that didn’t include Heller, Niq, Daniel and the twins.

  I nodded at him. “We have a deal.”

  “Good, come with me. I have something else to show you.” And he seized my hand and led me down the stairs, right down to the first basement where his personal fleet was parked. He lifted some keys from the cabinet and pressed them into my hand.

  “We’re going for a drive?” I asked, confused, before facing him indignantly. “You’re not thinking I need some driving lessons in a 4WD, are you?”

  “I do, now that you mention it, but that’s not why we’re down here,” he laughed and pushed me gently towards his 4WDs. Puzzled, I walked past the first one, Heller’s own Mercedes, instantly noticing the little car next to it that had been hidden from view by its bulk. I turned back to Heller in delighted surprise. He smiled at me.

  “Heller! Did you buy a little car for me to drive?” I asked, excited. He nodded. It was a cute and sporty black Mazda 3 sedan with a personalised number plate that simply read HELLERS.

  “That number plate is a statement about the car, not me, right?” I demanded.

  “Of course it is, my sweet.” His face was unreadable, as usual.

  “This is so generous of you,” I said happily, unlocking the car and sitting in the driver’s seat. I’d never driven a brand new car before. He joined me in the passenger seat, although it was squishy for him.

  “I couldn’t risk you driving one of my 4WDs again,” he told me. “It took my men ages to extract that tree from the grill.”

  “Heller! It was only a small shrub, not a tree,” I argued. We went for a little drive around the neighbourhood and I loved the car’s zippy compactness.

  Back in the garage, car safely locked, heading for the stairs, I reached up and kissed him on the cheek in gratitude. As quick as lightning his hands dropped to my waist, pulling me crushingly close. He took control of the chaste kiss I had initiated, and pressed down on my lips. After a moment, his tongue forced my lips apart. I let him willingly. A flood of heat spread through my body and I slipped my arms around his waist, one arm sliding upwards to revel in the tight muscles of his shoulder blades. One of his hands tangled in my hair, the other cupped my butt, grinding my hips against his, forcing me backwards against the Mazda. God, I wanted him. Right then. I knew he had a big comfortable bed upstairs, lovely crisp cotton sheets. Or we could just do it in the back seat of my new car. He wanted to and I wanted to, so what was the harm? And it had been so long
for me. Maybe we could just . . .

  “I want you so much, Matilda,” he breathed hoarsely into my ear. “I can’t believe how much.”

  I could, because it was pressing up against me in all its huge magnificence. Then I thought of that man sniggering about me being Heller’s little fuck-buddy and I mustered up every ounce of willpower I had in my being and pushed him away with my hands against his chest.

  “Heller, no!”

  He stopped immediately, as I knew he would. I don’t know from what inner-spring of steel he was able to dredge up his self-control and strength.

  “It’s not very professional to shag your employees, you know. It’s taking workplace relations a bit too far.” I plastered on a smile despite my thumping heart and gave him a light double slap on his cheek. “See you round, Boss.” I turned, leaving him gazing after me in frustration while I escaped, running up the stairs to the safety of my flat.

  That night, I watched the late news while I ironed and nearly burnt a hole in my favourite blouse at a story about a blazing fire that had gutted the office headquarters of Select Security during the early morning hours. It was ‘extremely suspicious in nature’ according to the interviewed fire-chief.

  No. It couldn’t be, I thought to myself hesitantly. He wouldn’t, would he?

  Heller did say he would sort things out with Select, but arson? It was so illegal. So wrong. People might have died or been hurt, including the fire fighters – innocent people. I wanted to ring him and ask, but didn’t dare. I wasn’t sure that I really wanted to know the truth in any case. So I didn’t and to my shame, I turned a blind eye.

  I thought I would toss and turn that night after that unpleasant little shock, but instead I closed my eyes and fell into a deep and peaceful sleep almost immediately. I hadn’t felt so relaxed for months. My last conscious thought was that day I had certainly made a deal with the devil, and that I couldn’t be more delighted about it.

  Chapter 30