Forever Our Virgin

by Frankie Love

  I laugh. “No way. I help with their bookkeeping and calendaring. Kind of like a manager.”

  “I bet you travel to really cool places. I’m a little jealous. I never go anywhere.”

  “What about you?” I ask.

  “I take people out on snorkeling trips. It’s a good gig. My parents own the company, so I’ve done it all my life.”

  “That’s awesome. I’ve been snorkeling a few times.”

  “You should totally come out sometime. Have you been to Hanauma Bay yet?”

  “No, I haven’t done any snorkeling in Oahu. I’ve mostly just gone paddle boarding.”

  “Oh, you know what?” she says, patting my arm like we’re long lost friends. “You should actually come out next weekend. It’s not for a snorkeling trip but a group of us are all going out on a boat.”

  “That sounds fun.” I nod slowly trying to remember if the guys had anything planned this weekend.

  “You don’t have to come alone. Why don’t you bring one of the guys that you live with?”

  “Yeah, I could totally do that.” I immediately think about which guy I would choose to take out on the boat. And then I immediately wonder how the other guys will feel about that.

  Before I can get any more stressed out about the what-if’s, Harlow pulls out her phone and asks for my number.

  “I’ll text you all the details. But I think we are leaving around two in the afternoon? It’s usually best to go super early or later in the day.”

  “Okay, that sounds really fun.” I laugh nervously, so surprised that this woman has asked me out at all. “And thanks for the invite. I mean, most people aren’t so outgoing. It means a lot.”

  “I get it. I mean, I’ve never actually had to move to new place, but I can imagine it can be hard to make connections. Besides, my mother always said the more, the merrier.” She gives me a warm smile, and I return it, thinking she’s exactly right. The more, the merrier has been true in my love life at least.

  Harlow and I say our goodbyes, and I walk toward the pharmacy with my iced coffee in hand. Meeting Harlow when I did was actually the perfect thing for me. I needed to get out of my head for a second.

  The truth is, I don’t know what the future is going to hold. Obviously. But I do know that I don’t have to be an island. Not when there are so many people wanting to offer me the raft.

  –

  Later, in the bathroom, I take the test. My hands shake as I wait for the result.

  It’s positive.

  Chapter 6

  ETHAN

  Chloe hasn’t been herself for a while now, that much is crystal clear, but I’m hoping she can get out of her head and open up about whatever is bothering her.

  Unfortunately, Enzo’s dad arrives at the house the same time the rest of us get home from scouting out the surfing competition, which means no alone time with Chloe.

  But I watch her.

  I see the way she looks out toward the ocean during dinner, her eyes looking at some distant point that is further away than I can reach.

  I see the way she barely touches her food, doesn’t even pick up her glass of wine.

  I see the way she excuses herself early, saying she’s exhausted and she looks it. Her eyes are heavy and maybe so is her heart? Something isn’t right.

  “I’ll come up with you,” I tell her, pushing my chair out from the table where we are all eating.

  She shakes her head. “No, I really want to be alone right now. But thanks, Ethan. And it was so nice meeting you, Leo,” she tells Enzo’s father. “I hope I’ll be more fun tomorrow.”

  “The pleasure is all mine, sweetheart. I know I had reservations about this arrangement,” he says, his hands stretching out over the table. “But I see you’re all having the time of your lives. And why should an old man judge?”

  I look at Enzo who is listening intently to his father.

  “Look,” Leo says. “I should be heading out to my hotel soon anyways. It was a long day of travel.”

  Chloe leaves the room, and once she’s upstairs, I exhale. “Something isn’t right,” I say.

  Noah frowns. “What do you mean?” He cocks his head toward Leo. “We just dealt with the worst of Chloe’s worries.”

  “Which was?” Leo asks.

  “Meeting you,” Mason explains. “This relationship isn’t exactly traditional. People have lots of opinions.”

  Leo waves a hand in the air before picking up his glass of merlot. “Ehhh, at first when Enzo mentioned this on the phone, I was apprehensive. But now that I’m with you, I realize you’re all so young, enjoying yourselves. It’s not so bad, you know, having fun while you aren’t tied down to anything. Anyone. You’re free to play, the world is your oyster.”

  I nearly choke on his words. Because I don’t feel free –– not in the way he means. I am tied down to Chloe, and I think Mason, Enzo, and Noah all agree with me.

  “This relationship isn’t just shits and giggles,” I tell Leo. “It’s real,” I tell him what I tell myself, over and over again.

  Leo raises his hands. “I’m not here to judge.” Cocking his head to the side he adds, “Though I’m the minority. What you’re talking about here, boys, is a complicated concept. Eventually one of you might outgrow this arrangement ... then what?”

  Just then, Chloe reenters the room. Tears are in her eyes and I know she just heard the comments Leo made.

  I clench my jaw, having just spent the last few months easing Chloe’s worry about this relationship. The last thing she needs right now is another person doubting the viability.

  “Sorry to interrupt, but, um, I was wondering if I might have a word alone with you guys?” She bites her bottom lip and Leo stands from the table.

  “Of course, Chloe. I’m heading out anyways.” He stands up from the table and squeezes Chloe’s shoulders. “Sorry if I upset you.”

  She shakes her head and answers flatly, “It’s fine. You’re a realist.”

  “The opposite of my son, Enzo. He took after his mother. He was a romantic, always saw the silver lining and the shooting stars.”

  Chloe’s eyes travel to Enzo’s and a flicker of something passes between them. When you choose to be in a relationship like this, there are a thousand looks shared between lovers that you aren’t privy to. Because I am not Chloe’s alone.

  And right now, I am grateful for that. Whatever she is holding back, needing to unload, it’s something big. I can see it in her drawn expression.

  And I know I’m not strong enough to carry it all for her.

  But I don’t have to.

  I am not in this by myself.

  I have my three best friends to help hold Chloe up when she is about to fall.

  I just wonder sometimes if Chloe is strong enough to carry me.

  The weight of having four men is a lot, and Chloe has been through hell and back already. She looks exhausted, weary, spent.

  Sometimes it’s hard to believe that by being here I’m not just adding to her burden.

  I want to believe being her partner adds to her life, but as she solemnly sits on the couch, inviting us to do the same, I realize something that is hard to swallow.

  I may want to be a dreamer, may have spent my time guiding Chloe toward trusting us with her everything, but deep down I think I’m a realist. Just like Leo, Enzo’s father.

  And as a realist, I see this differently than my friends do.

  And that fucking terrifies me.

  This won’t end well.

  Chapter 7

  CHLOE

  I walked around Waikiki all afternoon thinking things through.

  Getting pregnant was not a part of the plan. But that line of thought just brought me to the next, equally important question. What exactly is the plan?

  Truth is … I don’t know. I’m over my head and I know in my heart I can’t sleep on it. I have to tell the guys now.

  Because one of them is the father.

  Sitting on the couch with them, k
nowing I have information that will permanently rock our world, terrifies me. It’s so much and I have no idea how to gauge how they will react.

  In fact, I have no idea how I am reacting myself.

  Motherhood?

  “Chloe,” Noah says. “You look like a complete mess. What’s going on?”

  “Dude,” Enzo says, shooting him a look of distaste for his word choice. But I’m not offended.

  Noah is right: I do look a mess. I haven’t slept well in weeks, I feel nauseous, but it isn’t morning sickness that is bothering me. It’s the uncertainty I feel in the pit of my stomach.

  “Would you like some tea?” Mason asks.

  I shake head. “No, I just have to say it or I’ll chicken out,” I admit.

  That causes all the guys to look at me with concern. My breathing is shallow and I look down at my hands, seeing that they are trembling. I don’t think I have ever been so nervous before.

  How were we not more careful?

  “What is it, babe?” Mason says, putting his hand on my back, trying to calm me, but it’s useless. Tears prick my eyes, and I blink, wanting to wash them before they fall. It doesn’t work. And the emotions welling up in me get the guys’ complete attention. Ethan and Noah move from the other couch and come sit on the floor next to Enzo, Mason, and me.

  “You have to tell us, we can’t help otherwise,” Ethan says.

  He’s right, of course. The room is so still you could hear a pin drop, the crashing ocean waves feel a million miles away, and all that is here, now, is this circle of trust, of love. This circle with my men.

  But it feels so fragile. Our hearts buoyed together, knit so close but this revelation will change all that.

  Will change everything.

  “You’re starting to scare me, Bella,” Enzo says quietly, his hand resting on my knee.

  I don’t know who to make eye contact with. I don’t want to hurt anyone. So I look down, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear and gathering my courage.

  I’ve been so nervous, but now the words tumble from my mouth. “I’m pregnant.”

  The confession is followed by complete silence. And that, more than anything, scares me the most. Enzo’s grip on my knee tenses, Mason’s hand on my back stills.

  And I look up, scared of what I’ll find. My men running for the door? A fight over whose baby this is? Anger over my carelessness when taking the pill?

  I cover my face sobbing now. I feel the nonverbal conversation happening around me, and that makes me cry even harder.

  This was not the plan.

  My shoulders heave as I cry, and all I can think is that I am hurting too many people with this news. Only one of them is the father and what will that truth cause? A falling out between us all?

  I just want things to stay the same, forever. My life is finally making sense but now only one thing is certain: This truth changes everything.

  “Chloe, sweetie, shh,” Mason says, trying to soothe me. His hand moves again, circles on my back. “Can you move your hands?”

  I try to stifle my cries as I lower my hands, knowing I’m nothing but a snotty mess. Ethan hands me a tissue and I blow my nose. I know girls are supposed to be all dainty and cute around their guys but anything fake about me fell away a long time ago. With these four guys, I am my most real, most authentic self, but right now I am unnerved.

  What if this pregnancy changes how they see me? What if the woman I am is no longer the woman they want?

  “Chloe, it’s okay,” Enzo says, reaching for my hand. “You don’t need to cry, Bellissima.”

  I bite my bottom lip, trying to steady myself.

  “A baby?” Noah says, his voice revealing his shock. “You’re really pregnant?”

  “Dammit, Noah.” Mason shoots him a bruised look. “This is amazing, Chloe.”

  “When did you find out?” Ethan asks. When I look at him I see his dark eyes covered in clouds of grey.

  “Today. I took a test. So, I haven’t seen a doctor or anything. I had to tell you guys, obviously.”

  “Right,” Noah. “Of course.” As he says it, he runs a hand over his jaw as if absorbing my words.

  Mason wraps his arms around me. “Baby, I’m so happy for us. This is incredible.”

  I pull back. “You aren’t mad?”

  He laughs. “Sweetie, of course, I’m not mad.” Mason presses his hand to my fit belly, a grin on his face. “You are growing a person. I just never expected this right now.”

  “This is why you’ve been so tired and haven’t been feeling well,” Enzo mentions, observant as always. “You’re probably going to be too tired to work for a while.”

  “This is insane,” Noah says. “I mean ... who’s the father?”

  I watch his shoulders tense. He stands and begins pacing the room, clearly with a lot on his mind. We all do.

  “She obviously doesn’t know, she just found out,” Ethan says sharply.

  “Dude, I’m not an idiot,” Noah growls. “I was just processing out loud.”

  Okay, so I was right about tensions mounting with this information dump.

  “Do you want to know?” Enzo asks softly. “I mean, what would that mean for all of us?”

  I raise my eyebrows not expecting to go there so fast. I realize the paternity is a big part of this equation, but in this instant, I just feel like an idiot. I can’t help it. I burst into tears again.

  “What, Chloe?” Ethan asks, kneeling before me, he presses a hand to my cheek, forcing our eyes to meet. “Why are you crying?”

  I shake my head, my back falling into the couch cushions, defeated. Closing my eyes, I answer, “Because no one is saying congratulations or this is wonderful; everyone is just kinda freaking out.”

  The room goes quiet again and I’m just so exhausted. All I want to do is crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep.

  “What did I expect?” I say, pulling myself from the couch and standing. “We’re a complicated relationship that just got a hell of a lot more complicated. I don’t know how to make sense of a baby. I just got used to the idea of us in the real world.”

  Ethan clears his throat. “What else aren’t you saying?”

  I cover my mouth, wondering how he sees right to my heart. I shake my head, ashamed of my truth. Scared that when I admit what is really freaking me out-- and it isn’t the guys-- that they will be the ones rejecting me.

  “I get that this relationship is hard work,” Mason says. “But baby, we’re here for you. Through thick and thin.”

  I look Ethan’s way, but by the firm line of his mouth, I wonder if that is actually everyone’s truth.

  “Mason’s right,” Enzo adds. “This wasn’t something we had really planned but…”

  Noah snorts. “Not really planned? Jesus fucking Christ, Enzo, we don’t even own a house. Or a car. Let alone have time for a freaking baby.”

  I raise my eyes, not exactly expecting that outburst but it doesn’t scare me.

  In fact, it relieves me. Because those are the exact same fears running through my mind. Pretending this is going to be some sweet-as-pie-happily-ever-after would be living in la-la-land. I’ve never lived in that place. Not as a little girl, and certainly not now. I’m a realist and reality is kicking in really damn fast.

  “We don’t have to have everything figured out right now. Chloe just found out she’s pregnant. We have months to get ourselves in order,” Mason says, running a hand through his blond hair. “We don’t need to fight over--”

  Ethan cuts him off. “Look, I get what you’re saying, but Chloe isn’t through saying her piece. I can see it in her eyes.”

  I swallow. My face is flushed and my eyes so tired.

  “He’s right,” I admit. “There is more to this than buying a mini-van and a permanent address.”

  “What is it?” Enzo asks. “You can trust us. We love you, more than the stars and the seas.”

  I throw my hands in the air, unable to hold back any longer. “Look, I hate t
o disappoint you, but I’m not ready to be a mom, you guys.” I blink back another onslaught of tears. “I’ve never had one. There’s no way I can do this.”

  Then I rush from the room, knowing I’m leaving my men with a pile of unanswered questions, but also knowing that for right now, this is the best I can give them.

  Give the truth.

  Chapter 8

  CHLOE

  Maybe it was the heated conversation, but after I leave the living room, and enter my bedroom, all I can think about is getting my mind off our heavy conversation.

  Admitting to them that being a mom was the most terrifying thing of all is a relief but I am also on the verge of getting swallowed up in shame. Shouldn’t the prospect of motherhood be the most joyous time of my life? But I’m only twenty-three.

  There’s so much I haven’t done or experienced, and a baby has been so far from my radar, that it’s actually a little insane, to be honest. I may have been on the pill, but I have four energetic partners. If a little guy was going to get through, it would be one of their powerful seeds that did the trick.

  Still, all I imagine when I think about motherhood is abandonment and there is nothing sexy about that. My mom left me when I was little … never coming back. Maybe it’s in my genes, running from your kids. Maybe I don’t have the DNA to be a constant for a child.

  I step into my bathroom and turn on the shower full blast. While the bathroom gets steamy, I brush my teeth and slip out of my clothes, hoping the scorching hot shower can wash away some of my heartache.

  After washing my hair, I let the water slide over my shoulders, soaking in the heat as I lean against the tiled wall.

  One pee test and my world changed forever. So, what happens next? I’m scared to face the guys, to hear them voice their concerns and admit that they don’t think I’m cut out for this.

  I can’t bear to hear them tell me that I’m right; I’m not enough.

  “Chloe?” Ethan’s voice cuts through my dark thoughts. “Can I come in?”