Forever Girl

by Sam Destiny

  “Grown-up two thirds of the time, you mean?”

  At that Hilary actually had to laugh, nodding before pulling Tessa in for a hug.

  Christmas was the time for miracles, and yet Tessa couldn’t help feel her smile fade as she thought about the fact that she didn’t believe it was her turn for a miracle this year.

  The knock on the door reverberated throughout the whole house and it made Jazz stiffen on the bed. He knew it was an army thing, knocking without ringing the doorbell, and as weird as it sounded, he usually appreciated it. In his mind it was less intrusive than a doorbell, but now he actually realized it didn’t make things better.

  Especially because there was no one here who could’ve died. Besides him his family didn’t have anyone in the army.

  “Jesse, it’s for you,” his mom called up the stairs and he stared down at his gray sweatpants. This certainly wasn’t how he would meet whoever had come.

  “One sec,” he called back and changed from sweater and sweats into jeans and a button down. Not that it changed anything.

  He pulled on some simple trainers and then grabbed a scarf and a jacket, not sure if he’d need either.

  Tank was one of the two soldiers he found in the living room. His mom stood to the side, watching the two men.

  “Staff Sergeant Johnson,” he said, surprised to see the guy. The last he knew he’d meant to retire months after Jazz had left for his deployment. “Private Michaels.” He nodded at Tank, his best friend’s face drawn into an unreadable mask.

  “Corporal Connor, we’re here because we need you at base, and I was informed you weren’t exactly fit to drive. Besides that, we had to assume that you, like your girlfriend, would deny us the pleasure of seeing you.” The way the Sergeant spoke it certainly didn’t sound like a pleasure at all.

  “Can I ask what this is about and why Tessa had to show? She and I no longer are an item,” he stated carefully, wishing and hoping Tessa didn’t get in trouble because of him. Not that he had any idea what she’d possibly done.

  “We’d like to delve into that topic back at the base with the rest of the base leaders there,” Staff Sergeant Johnson explained, nodding toward the door.

  “I’ll be back later, mom,” Jesse whispered, kissing her goodbye on a pale cheek. She looked as if she’d seen a ghost and he knew it was out of fear. If they’d come for him because he was a traitor, she wouldn’t see him again outside of a prison cell.

  “Sorry to have interrupted you, Ma’am,” the Staff Sergeant stated, touching his bonnet in a way of an informal salute.

  As he left, Jesse wasn’t sure, either, he’d be back at home any time soon. If they finally had figured out that he was to blame for the way the cars had failed, they could also put him on trial for being neglecting.

  He knew he hadn’t done it on purpose, and never would’ve willingly risked all of his comrades. However, the army couldn’t know that until they’d put him on the spot, and sometimes that took a while. Sighing, he wished he’d agreed to meet Tessa again, even if it just would’ve been for a little while.

  He took a seat in the back, Tank slipping into the passenger side while the Staff Sergeant drove the car. It was weird, too, because usually those of higher ranks had someone else drive them around. It made Jazz wonder if maybe they didn’t trust Tank to not pull a stunt. It wasn’t exactly a secret they’d been best friends since forever.

  “Again, Tessa has nothing to do with any of this. She and I might have shared—”

  “We’re well aware of your relationship with Miss Rowan,” the Staff Sergeant interrupted and Jazz watched his best friend curl his hands into fists on his thighs, nearly trembling with something Jazz couldn’t name.

  “You are?” he asked, surprised.

  “I think by now actually there’s hardly a person out there that doesn’t know, Desert Heart.”

  The words sank in slowly, like a paper ship you placed on a pond, watching it float for a while before it got utterly soaked and drowned.

  He should’ve guessed that someone figured out who he was and that he’d called a radio station from the base camp over a satellite phone. The only reason that had been possible was because his comrades had helped him all through it, standing in front of the media tent and warning him the moment someone approached.

  Now that they had realized he’d been a traitor, those that had survived probably had told on him, making his whole situation even worse.

  “I don’t know what to say, Sir,” he admitted. With that one call he could’ve given up their location, no matter how secure the lines were supposed to be, and he’d known that. Hell, everyone had known that. Some soldiers called sex-hotlines from there because they were that desperate, but those probably weren’t caught on tape, or out there for the whole world to hear on repeat on the Internet.

  His Serge didn’t react and it made the whole situation worse, because now Jesse wasn’t sure any longer what exactly he was being brought to base for. The call could get him in minor trouble only; nothing he’d consider worth going to prison for, but if they’d combine that with accusations of sabotaging his unit right the next day, it was a whole different thing.

  Treason. They’d be able to charge him with high treason if they wanted to, and that could end terrible for him.

  Arriving at base, the soldier at the gate waved them right through, and all three men got out in front of the command center.

  “Private Michaels, thank you for coming with me. Corporal Connor, follow me.”

  Walking up the stairs behind the guy that had, partly, treated him like a son, Jazz realized he wasn’t even made for that position. He could never be as cold and hard toward someone he actually liked.

  Liar, his mind shouted out at him, you were that way with Tessa.

  The room they entered was filled with sixteen people, and he actively knew two of those he could see, meaning Staff Sergeant Johnson and the base commander Paulsen that led the base in its day-to-day procedures. The rest was unknown to him and it made his heart race in his throat. He wondered if it made any difference if he now fell to his knees and begged for their forgiveness.

  “Corporal Connor, please sit,” the base commander ordered, and while it sounded like an offer, Jazz knew better. He took the only chair left in the room even though a big round table stood in the middle. The people spread out around it, all appearing larger than life to Jazz because he was the only one not left standing.

  “Jesse, so good to see you.” He recognized that voice, but it didn’t belong here, to the US, and it certainly shouldn’t sound as happy as it did.

  “Captain Cain,” he whispered, searching out his deployment Captain in the crowd. He wasn’t the highest-ranking person in the room, but clearly he was the one who’d lead this talk. He stood right in the middle of the group now, formerly hidden by others, and he was the only one who seemed to be rather friendly toward him.

  “What are you doing here?” Jazz inquired, knowing he shouldn’t be asking questions. In fact, he probably did better in staying quiet until having been addressed to answer anything.

  “We all are here on a matter we consider important to us and the army. As you are aware, well aware if I believe all that I have heard since coming back to the US, there was an incident that led to you leaving the deployment early. You, as well as some others of your unit were hurt out in the desert. Many of your unit were killed, but I know you know that as well. The cars failed. Three of them at the same time, at a position that made you all liable for an attack.”

  Jesse swallowed hard, trying to inconspicuously pinch his legs under the table in hopes of staying in the presence and not drowning in memories. It would be the worst possible thing to happen.

  “Yes, Sir. I’m aware of that.”

  “Are you aware that the men who attacked you had been waiting for the convoy to pass?”

  How could he possibly know that?

  “No, Sir,” he gave back, closing his eyes. “When the first jeep stopp
ed, someone screamed and I got out. I just wanted to check what was wrong. Caleb turned the engine off from our car, saying maybe it was better that way because we’d be able to hear anyone approaching. We’d checked the outside, but besides a rather small rock formation that we decided to be safe there was nothing to be seen.”

  “Did you leave the car?”

  Heat brushed against his skin and Jazz gritted his teeth for a moment, keeping his eyes focused on the Captain. “Yes, Sir.” He knew he was bruising his legs, but at least the pain kept him from falling into a flashback. “I reached the first Jeep and Private Don told me it didn’t start up anymore. They were worried. I felt the tension, so I told them I’d pop the hood and take a look. In my mind I already wondered how we could distribute the men between the other two jeeps. I even considered calling the mission off and just return because the more people we had in a car, the higher the numbers we’d lose if anything happened.”

  All the time he’d thought about what had happened out there, he’d never bothered to really start at the beginning again. Silence spread in the room as the Captain flipped through a folder Jesse hadn’t noticed before.

  “Weren’t you told to stay in the car and not risk opening the hood?” he wondered and sixteen pair of eyes focused on him, brows furrowed as if he’d be confessing his sins there—and maybe he was.

  “Yes, but I wanted to get the car running. I had hoped it was just something minor, like a loose screw because of the rattling in the desert. I just wanted it be right.”

  “Why not distribute the guys right away and move on or go back?”

  “I had hoped that it was a quick fix and we could resume the mission. It was to secure an outpost of British soldiers, and I didn’t want to leave them hanging. Plus, as before mentioned, we’d considered the situation rather safe.” And they should’ve known better, he realized. They’d been down there long enough to just know you were never safe unless it was a basecamp of your own army.

  “It was your first mission as a leader, wasn’t it?” the Captain asked and Jesse winced. That, too, added to his guilt.

  “The Sergeant First Class Clayton that originally had been supposed to lead the mission stayed back at base because he couldn’t stop throwing up. The field doctor told us it might be food poisoning, and in a rash decision I was named leader of the mission. They considered me the most able because… I…” God, he didn’t even want to say the next words.

  “Corporal Connor has shown remarkable calm and self-control in even the worst of situations, handling occurring problems with an efficiency we need in the field, and therefore he will lead the mission,” the Captain read out the document Jazz had been presented with during the early hours of that dreadful day. “Were those the words you were told?”

  He nodded. “Yes, Sir. They also praised my undying loyalty to my country and my comrades,” he recalled quietly, because those had been the words following the sentence Captain Cain had just been reading out.

  “Undying loyalty,” someone echoed, but Jazz didn’t want to lift his eyes to see who it was.

  “Would you consider yourself loyal to your country, Corporal Connor?”

  He finally did lift his gaze, but only because he knew he’d made a mistake down there and wanted everyone around the table to see that he took full responsibilities for his actions. He didn’t know the guy that had spoken, but his insignia told Jazz he was of the same rank as his Staff Sergeant.

  “Yes, Sir, which is why I wanted to fix the car and get moving. I know how bad it is if you wait for reinforcements and they don’t come. I didn’t want to anger the Brits because I knew there’d be a time some unit from the US would have to count on them. Someone offered to get out of the car with me to protect me, but I thought inside the jeep was the safest place for them since they are somewhat enforced. When I didn’t see what was wrong except for the lack of oil, I told everyone to split between the remaining jeeps. When Caleb tried to start ours, it didn’t work anymore.”

  “The motor actually had stopped working because there was no more coolant, right?” Captain Cain asked and Jesse nodded.

  “It could’ve ended badly had we kept going. Not that it ended any better there,” he whispered.

  “We were told you actually risked your life to save comrades. You went through the gunfire and checked their pulses, did you not?”

  Jazz was exhausted, and he could barely keep the bad memories at bay, so he only nodded.

  “Not many were alive at that point any longer, right?” Captain Cain prompted and a tense silence followed that exclamation.

  “No, Sir. I still tried, but Betty needed protection. I shielded her with my body. It’s how I got the bruises and broken ribs I returned with,” he reported.

  Another time silence stretched and Jazz started moving in his chair. The men standing in the room were exchanging glances and there was nothing he could read in them.

  “I understand you think this was your fault. That you were to blame for this whole thing. Why is that?”

  Quiet mutters erupted in the room and for the first time Jazz had to raise his voice. “I was the mechanic checking the cars. The night before I went through all twenty jeeps which were supposed to leave the next day. I thought I had checked them all, but I will admit I was preoccupied. Before the deployment I’d met a girl, and though I never thought my life would end with me being married, that night I couldn’t think about anything but being back with her and letting her know that I wanted her forever, so I probably forgot to check those jeeps properly, and I take full responsibility for my actions. I might not have attacked my unit, and I certainly tried all I could to save as many as possible, I failed my team, my country, and ultimately myself because of a girl.” His voice was surprisingly strong even though he was trembling. Whatever the preliminary verdict would be, he’d hear it now. They knew all they needed to know.

  “Is that so? You were unfocused?”

  He nodded again, wondering why he had to confirm it.

  “You were gone ten months, Corporal, and we have soldiers that go crazy for their women after one month only, yet I’ve never met a guy who was so distracted he risked his unit,” the Captain remarked.

  “You met me,” Jazz whispered.

  “Yet I’ve never met a guy who was so distracted he risked his unit,” his Captain repeated and Jazz blinked. “However, I did meet a Sergeant First Class who risked not only one unit, but four until we caught him. Three weeks after the attack on you another unit was caught just like yours had been, and then two more. Looking back we realized that single cars we had that stopped working before had been his tests. He needed to get an idea about distances. You, Corporal Connor, did not only check the cars thoroughly, but you also risked your life to save your comrades. We know for a fact you checked the cars thoroughly, because Clayton confessed. He knew from which cars he’d drawn coolant and from which oil. While you being a hero already warrants a group meeting like this, we’re also here because that women you met before your deployment, Tessa Rowan, has a radio show, and a friend going by the name of Hilary Cope, who gave the army a popularity push like we couldn’t possibly have reached with any campaign constructed for that purpose only. We want you and Tessa working with the public relations department as soon as you get cleared for duty.”

  It was not his fault. They’d been betrayed. Someone else had risked them, and though he should probably care and ask for reasons, he couldn’t bring himself to.

  “I didn’t kill them?” he whispered, but instead of answering another guy stepped forward, one who did wear a suit, but no insignia.

  “Corporal Connor, I’m Rhys Lance, working on the recruiting campaigns since years and—”

  Jesse stood, not letting him finish. “May I be excused if you don’t have any other questions than the public relations issue? I promise I’ll get Miss Rowan to contact you about it, but for now I’d love to leave base and have a beer because my worst nightmare just lost a little of its edge, and I
have people to apologize to.” And he had to actually find Tank to sort through his thoughts, but didn’t say that out loud.

  Everyone glanced at a guy nearest to Jazz, and spotting the eagle on his jacket, Jazz knew he was the highest-ranking soldier in the room.

  “Of course, Corporal Connor. The rather unusual call for help over the media made it quite clear you carried a heavier burden than you should, and I cannot imagine how it must’ve been for you. However, I want to thank you for your service and all you did down there, and hope that you’ll soon be fit to return to duty. As I hear Staff Sergeant Johnson is ready to resign and only you can fill his position. Welcome home, soldier.”

  He saluted and Jazz replicated that before pushing out of the room and inhaling deeply. Though the hallway air was stale, he felt as if he’d never taking a cleaner breath before.

  Tessa tickled her son’s stomach until the little one was giggling.

  “You’re phone’s ringing again, Tessa,” Hilary called and Tessa groaned.

  “Just turn it off,” she gave back and Hils lifted the device.

  “It’s a local number,” she pointed out, getting up to join her, but Tessa only shook her head. She knew it was a local number, and she actually even knew who was calling.

  “That’s the army, Hilary, calling about the show you made. I’m doing nothing else but refusing to see them or talk to them, no matter if it’s here or at work. Since I’m pretty sure they are not going to punish me for whatever, I decided I don’t wanna talk to them anymore. It can only be about Jazz after all, and right now I don’t really want to talk about him, either. Especially because I don’t know what there is or isn’t going on,” she explained and then focused back on her son, making him giggle another time.

  “Have you ever considered listening to them and just hear what they have to say?” her friend inquired, resting her hands on the knee she’d pulled up on the sofa she now sat on.