Beholden

by Fox Brison

  “If it’s something illegal, Dell-”

  “It isn’t.” Although.... “You know I met Joanne when her mother crashed into me, right?” she nodded, slowly. “What I failed to mention was that she couldn’t pay to get my car fixed and she was worried her mother was going to go to prison…” I inhaled sharply before I continued, because recounting what I’d done made it sound a hundred times worse. “I blackmailed her into becoming my girlfriend so I could get a promotion at work.” Gemma just gaped at me, which although not totally unexpected, was no less disconcerting. “Gem?”

  “Shh, Dell, I’m still trying to process here. Why? Why the hell would you do something so… Preposterous. Manipulative? Harsh? Damn it, Adele!”

  “I know, I know,” I said wearily, “I’ve spent so long focussing on New York that I lost sight of everything else in my life. I became a bit narcissistic.”

  “A bit?” she snorted incredulously. “Jesus Christ, sis, what must Joanne think of you? Fucking hell, what must she think of me!”

  “She doesn’t know we’re sisters,” I stated softly.

  “Thank heavens for small mercies!” Gemma cried.

  “That’s the thing, Gem. Although it started out as something ugly and I guess from an outsider’s perspective, sordid, it’s morphed into a real friendship.” I didn’t add maybe more, I didn’t have to.

  “You’ve fallen in love with her.” She said it bluntly, yet if it had been one of her Facebook posts I’m sure a smiley face would have been added to the end. Gemma always teased me about finding a girlfriend who might put up with me, until finally I asked her to stop. It was another reason we weren’t closer; she was a piss taking little shit, but I realised now that was her way of showing she cared, that she wanted me to be happy and find that special someone who would see all of me, not just the parts they wanted to or I let them. “Adele Jackson, have you gone and fallen in love with Joanne Cassidy?” A mirthful lilt imbued her brogue. Normally that would have set off a huff, but not today.

  Oh how I had. Did I want to admit it? God no. “It would be easy to, Gemma. If I produced a blueprint of the woman I could spend the rest of my life with, Joanne would be the outcome.”

  “So what’s the problem? Dell, why do you keep insisting that you’re incapable of love?”

  “Because I’m not sure I know what it is!” I wasn’t about to debate the merits of allowing love into my life, when the discussion would simply go round and round, like a satellite in synchronous orbit.

  Yet now that satellite was careering towards earth, caught in Joanne’s magnetic pull.

  “I reckon Joanne would be a great person to show you.”

  “Gemma-”

  “Don’t give up on a good thing, Dell, because if you do, you let everyone who ever made your life hell, win. You’re my big sister and even though we’ve never been as close as I would have liked, I still look up to you, still admire you.”

  “It’s not you, Gem,” I said softly. No it was the subtle differentiation made between the two of us by my parents. I had been jealous. Jealous that she could do what she wanted, when she wanted; jealous that my parents didn’t put conditions on their love for her, jealous that huge swathes of her weren’t ignored because it suited them.

  It was like I was the prototype and they learned from their mistakes, but instead of fixing our relationship, they just started over with Gemma.

  “I know, I know what mum and dad are like. Not then, but still, looking back I can see how their actions affected you. But they did the best they could; it wasn’t because they didn’t love you, I guess sometimes we’re all guilty of ignoring things hoping they’ll go away.”

  “I’m scared, Gem,” I said candidly.

  “That’s how you know it’s real. I can’t tell you what to do, Dell, but I can tell you Joanne would be damned lucky to have you in her life. And maybe it’s time for you to stop hiding.”

  I said goodbye. Speaking to Gemma made me sure about one thing; whatever I had with Joanne would have to end before it could really begin.

  ***

  Dripping with sweat, I surpassed my usual five miles by another three and was near exhaustion. The air slapped my cheeks, and each laboured breath was torn out of my lungs, only to return with an icy darkness that burned inside. I took in my surroundings and was shocked by where I had ended up.

  I was in Joanne’s street.

  Not only had she taken up residence in my house, apparently even the merest hint of a thought of her brought me racing to her home. Still, it made my next move obvious.

  “I didn’t expect to see you this morning,” Joanne said when she opened the door to find me standing on her doorstep bright pink and out of breath. “You’d better come in.”

  “I should have called,” I said apologetically.

  “No,” she replied quickly. “I’m glad you came in person.” She stood aside to let me pass. “I didn’t hear the bike or car.”

  “I jogged.”

  “Ahh, so the sweating and shortness of breath isn’t down to anxiety?” came her witty riposte.

  “Can you spare me a few minutes?” I glanced around nervously, as if the foreboding spectre of my own shortcomings was about to pounce on me. Although from the tearing pain in my chest, I think that had already occurred.

  “Sure, can I get you a drink?”

  “Thanks, I’d love a water.” Standing at the doorway into her kitchen I watched her movements, aware I had no right, but appreciating the view anyway; she turned and handed me the glass, first our fingers touched and then our eyes locked. God they were stunning. I never thought of green as being a particularly warm colour before I met Joanne, but the kindness and warmth pulsing in her gaze was more comforting than an electric blanket on a frosty January morning.

  “After last night, I didn’t think I’d see you so soon. In fact, I didn’t think I’d ever see you again,” she admitted honestly. “But I’m glad I was wrong.”

  I hung my head in shame. “I owe you a prodigious apology and a debt of gratitude.”

  “Adele? What’s going on?”

  It’s no wonder she was confused by my unannounced visit and subsequent reticence and formal tones. “I couldn’t sleep a wink last night-”

  “I should be the one apologising, I shouldn’t have kissed you. It was crass and ill-timed,” she interrupted.

  “No, it wasn’t because of the kiss, which was anything but crass by the way. I couldn’t sleep because of this arrangement,” I snorted contemptuously. The agreement that remained firmly fixed between us, was a poisoned chalice corroding my soul and sanity. “It isn’t fair on either of us, but especially not on you. Adam phoned this morning to check I was okay and do you know what he said?” Joanne shook her head. “He said you were an asset to me. An asset.”

  “Adele, it’s just a turn of phrase,” she assured me.

  “Maybe, but it made me think. I’ve treated you like a possession. Regardless of what you are getting out of the deal, no one should ever use another human being that way. It’s reprehensible. I’m reprehensible for coming up with such a deplorable scheme.”

  “No, Adele, you’re not,” she protested vehemently. She took a step towards me, but I quickly moved out of her reach. I couldn’t allow her to touch me because I might cave and do what I really wanted to do – take her upstairs and make love to her, instead of doing what I came here to do which was set her free. Hurt flashed in her eyes, but there was nothing else for it. The plaster had to be ripped off now because the pain would be unbearable if I left it in place any longer.

  “Joanne you have the purest heart of anyone I’ve ever met, which makes what I did even worse because I took advantage of that. I saw it as a weakness. I lied to everyone, to my boss, to you, to myself. So here.” I tore the contract up and handed her the pieces. “Thank you. Until you came into my life, I hadn’t realised what I’d become… wait that’s not true. I did, I just couldn’t care less. I locked myself away in an ivory tower, both at
work and at home, biting people’s heads off for what? For how I perceived they treated me without once considering how my behaviour, my actions influenced their perception. And as for last night.” I swallowed a couple of times. “I accused you of pitying me. I’m such a hypocrite because I’m the biggest culprit of all. I’ve been going through life surrounded by a miasma of self pity and your warmth helped some of that mist evaporate. That kiss…” I stopped. “Your debt is paid in full and more beside.”

  “Adele...” Joanne was stuck in a loop, first staring at me and then at the fragments of the contract I wished I’d never seen.

  “There’s nothing left to say. I wish the very best for you and your mother, Joanne, and I’ll never forget the time we spent together. I’m going to go now.” My hand reached out to touch her, but I quickly dropped it back to my side. I’d lost the right to seek comfort from her. In fairness I never had it in the first place and I left without saying another word.

  “Wait, Adele!” Joanne called, running into the hall and grabbing my arm before I managed to open the front door. “You aren’t getting rid of me that easy. I’m not backing out.”

  “The decision is no longer in your hands,” I declared, a bit imperiously.

  “Yeah, well I’m putting it back into my hands,” she smiled. “It’s become a point of principle to me. I don’t like Aileen or her stuck up wife. And as for Mackenzie, even if what happened was an ‘accident’,” she used her fingers to mime quotation marks around the word accident, “I still don’t trust her. We started this together and we’ll finish it together. There’s one thing you should know about me, Adele, I never leave a job half done.”

  “Jo-”

  “I owe you. You have no idea how much and I always pay my debts. I have thousands of these cliché’s and I’ll use every single one until you see sense!” She crossed her arms in a ‘I’m not budging’ kind of way.

  “Funny, I’ve heard of death from a thousand paper cuts, but never death from a thousand cliché’s! The thing is if you’re suspicions are correct concerning Mackenzie, it means the dynamic duo are going to do everything in their power to discredit me, which in turn means that you’ll become a target.” I gulped a couple of times, my mouth dry at the very thought of what they might say and do to Joanne. “I can’t put you in that position.”

  “Let them bring it! I have nothing to hide and I have nothing to be ashamed of, nor to apologise for. I’m not afraid. I’ve dealt with shysters far worse than those two. Aileen is a pure bitch and her wife is probably her bitch! Now enough of them bampots. Will you please come back into the kitchen and have some breakfast with me?” She didn’t wait for an answer and I heard the suction of the fridge door as it opened and the gurgle of something, juice I presumed, filling a glass.

  She was giving me a choice. I could still walk away, which was my usual modus operandii. Or I could… “Thanks,” I said leaning against the counter.

  I don’t know who I shocked more by staying, her or me.

  Chapter 34

  Adele

  “So what’s our next event? The hundred metre simper over your boss’ wife’s new hairdo? The hammer down the bitch twins?”

  I laughed at Joanne’s Olympic analogies. “Something a little more sedate, a dinner party at Adam and Mel’s and then there’s the company picnic coming up.”

  “Sounds fun. Sit, sit,” she said passing me a glass of juice. “You’re making the place look untidy.”

  “Are you sure about this? You haven’t had enough of me?”

  “Well…” she giggled. Last night was a cataclysmic yet cathartic event. She froze for a second when the landline rang and then continued mixing eggs in a Pyrex jug. “Scrambled okay?” she asked.

  “Fine.” I pursed my lips. “Aren’t you going to answer that?”

  “Nah, I’ll let the machine pick up.”

  “You still have an answering machine?” I said incredulously. “I thought they went the way of the dodo.”

  “I know, right? But mam likes to have it.”

  I leant back and peered towards the hall table. “It’s flashing,” I pointed out helpfully. Such a thing would bug me. Joanne shook her head mockingly but when her mobile phone chimed loudly, she jumped, far higher than was warranted by the unexpected noise.

  “Aren’t you going to see who it is?” I asked. First the machine and now her mobile? I couldn’t understand people who ignored their phones, what was the point of having one? But she wasn’t simply ignoring them because she couldn’t be arsed to speak to anyone, or she didn’t want to be rude because I was here, no, there was something else bothering her, something more… chilling from the way she rubbed her hands up and down her arms.

  Casting it a cursory glance, she continued to gather the tea accoutrement… milk, sugar… if I hadn’t been paying attention I would have missed the stillness born by apprehension.

  “Joanne? What’s going on? Is it your mum?”

  “No, she’s fine.” She’d closed up shop which wasn’t like her.

  “Talk to me. I thought we were friends.” Guilt trip 101; I’d learnt at the feet of a mistress. My mother could guilt me simply with a slight change in expression and the waver of a smile.

  “You have a thing about unanswered messages?” she tilted her head and the merest hint of a smirk lit her face.

  “No… not really… okay maybe a little.” I held my thumb and finger an inch apart. Joanne closed them so they were touching. “So? Machine? Please?” I whined pathetically.

  “Jeez loiuse,” she giggled. “Okay, just to make you happy.” She clicked the machine and the electronic voice announced there were two messages. The first was silence, as if someone was waiting for her to pick up, and then nothing.

  “Well that was anticlimactic,” I snorted.

  The echoing voice announced message two… And this time the sound was unmistakable; it was bordering on an audition for a Darth Vader replacement. “How long has this been going on?” I asked quietly.

  “Och, not long,” she confessed way too nonchalantly and quickly. “It’s probably just kids bored on their summer holidays. Now back to what’s important. Forget about our machinations for a minute; how is the actual job of designing the golf centre coming along?”

  She was interested in my work?

  I knew the relationship wasn’t for real, but was Joanne Cassidy.

  Chapter 35

  Joanne

  After Adele left, I sat staring at the wall for an interminable amount of time. I admitted to myself that even the catastrophic aftermath of the doomed kiss gave me further insight into what made Adele Jackson tick. I only hoped it wasn’t a first kiss/last kiss combo because the second her lips touched mine, I was in heaven. However, it was more than sexual chemistry.

  Far more.

  I sensed a connection with her, and a relationship that began in less than virtuous circumstances was slowly meandering its way past friendship and onto something deeper. I snorted at myself. Slowly meandering? Heck, I was on the back of her Harley holding on for dear life. We were racing towards destiny and I was determined to see it through, whatever the outcome.

  My heart stopped when she tore up the contract and handed it back to me; whatever was happening, the plethora of feelings swamped me.

  Feelings that were not unwelcome and wholly exhilarating.

  To paraphrase Taylor Swift, I was the careless woman’s careful daughter and Adele was the best thing to have ever happened to me, and never in a month of Sundays did I think I’d be saying that a month ago. Still I had to proceed with caution. If I’d learnt nothing else it was that Adele liked to do things on her terms.

  I just had to be patient because she was definitely worth waiting for.

  ***

  Adele and I hadn’t seen each other for a few days, which was fortuitous because I thought I might be coming down with something. I was moody, owned an ache in my stomach that Alka Seltzer wouldn’t ease, my appetite was non-existent… and then I r
ealised I possessed all the symptoms of withdrawal - Adele withdrawal. Christ. If I’m this bad after a month, imagine what I’m going to be like when she moves to New York?

  New York. The finality that particular city conjured in my mind was far worse than any horcrux created by he who shall not be named.

  I woke up in a state of excitement. And yes that is a synonym for having a dream about the gorgeous Ms Jackson; on the verge of an orgasm, I lay back down, and slowly reached inside my pyjama bottoms. An early morning adrenaline jump, far preferable to an alarm… Crap. I catapulted up and looked for my phone. Damn it. I’d left it downstairs last night. My head dropped onto my pillow and a smile gradually crept over my face. In for a penny in for a pound, right? I was going to make the most of my lie in and three point two minutes later with a few flicks of my fingers and Adele’s brooding eyes seared onto my brain…

  I did!

  Humming happily, I floated out of bed and down the stairs, my heart as light as candyfloss.

  Until I saw the envelope lying on the mat.

  I was immediately drowned in a wave of apprehension; the postie hadn’t been yet. I pulled my dressing gown around my chest, holding my scattered sense of self together, steeling myself… My hand quivered as I reached for it, only to pull sharply back. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t brave the rabid scribblings of a lunatic, not unless I wanted to join -

  I jumped when my mobile rang.

  I was as skittish as a cat on a hot tin roof being chased by a pitbull. My breathing caught somewhere between my lungs and mouth and I sat down heavily on the stairs, watching first my phone vibrating on the hall table, and then the pink envelope lying innocuously on the floor, both challenging me to revoke my license for bravery, because right now I was a coward first and foremost.

  The mobile rang again.

  I skirted the mat, leaving the letter where it was, and flipped my phone over. Nine missed calls. I sighed with relief when I checked the call log; four were from Ashleigh and the last two were from Adele. Only three were from the unknown caller, an improvement on the seven from the day before, and eleven from the day before that.