by Lara Swann
“Screw him.” I say, suddenly fierce, only half-aware that I must seem like I’m talking entirely to myself. I’m not, not really. Even if my baby can’t hear me. “We don’t need him, little one. We’ll figure it out together, you and me. Just us.”
I stroke my stomach again and sigh, taking another few minutes to recover. It’s lunchtime - everyone will just assume I went out to get a slightly belated lunch. That’s what I said I was going to do anyway. I’ve got time before I need to be back…
I’m not sure it’s quite enough time for the the redness around my eyes and face to fade, but as I stand up a while later, I tell myself that it is. And I try not to notice the flutter of anxiety in my stomach at the idea of walking back into the office and seeing Damien.
I’m sure he’ll be avoiding me now, but still…
At least you hope he’s avoiding you.
The last thing I want is to face any of that again - or risk that sort of conversation being overheard by anyone else there. I was lucky enough that no one interrupted us as I was saying all those things. I’m not doing that again - not there. Or anywhere.
I try to think about work as I walk back, striving for the focus I had so easily only a few days ago - but I’m not sure how well it works.
When I nervously step out of the elevator onto Indivest’s floor, I glance around immediately.
No Damien. Thank god.
I don’t know whether I can handle another confrontation right now.
The walk to our project room has me on edge and jumpy, but he’s not even in his office as I pass by…and when I reach the room and see a few of my usual team in there, with no sign of the aggravating CEO among them, I finally breathe a sigh of relief.
I settle back behind my desk and try to relax, telling myself that if he does want to say anything else, he’s not going to come in and do it among all these people.
For once, my work is shoddy and all over the place, my mind constantly drifting - and I hope to god that no one notices. Hopefully I can fix it tomorrow. Once I’ve calmed down a little and the emotions from that encounter with Damien feel a little less raw.
There’s no sign of Damien for the rest of the day and the knowledge that he really has taken me at my word and left me with this alone slowly settles into my stomach. It’s a sad, sinking feeling - but at least now I’m resigned to it, and I know what to expect. It’s enough to fuel my own determination.
“Yeah, just you and me, buddy. We don’t need him.” I mutter as the end of the day approaches and a few of the team start getting ready to go home.
“What?” Frank looks over at me and I have to fight my sudden flush.
“Sorry, nothing.” I mumble, staring furiously at my computer screen. “Just talking to myself.”
“Okay then.” He chuckles, then gives me a deliberate look. “Don’t stay late tonight, huh? You need some time to recover if you’re going to be any use to us here.”
I flush again, but I nod. I know that’s not a comment about the state of my work today, but it’s hard not to take it that way.
“I won’t.” I mumble, turning back to what I was working on. Which I realize I stopped paying attention to at least half an hour ago.
I sigh, admitting that maybe he’s right, even if not for the reasons he thinks.
Tomorrow will be better. Today was just…a shock. But now I don’t have to worry about telling Damien anymore.
Taking Frank at his word, I say goodbye in the next few minutes and head home earlier than I have since I started working for Two-Bit Designs.
The moment I open Vicki’s front door, I’m surprised to hear her call out to me. She doesn’t usually get home for another couple of hours.
“Ava. Thank goodness you didn’t pull some late-night stunt on me again.” She appears from the living room.
I shake my head, my voice soft. “I couldn’t face it today.”
Her expression creases over with sympathy and she comes forward to pull me into a hug.
“Yeah, me neither. I was worried about you, babe.”
And just like that - that’s enough to release the fragile control I’ve been maintaining all day.
“Ohhh, Vicki.”
I can’t help it. I burst into tears again.
She pulls back to look at me with alarm. “Ava? What happened?”
My breath trembles in and out of me as she leads me over to the couch, barely giving me a chance to drop my bag first.
And then I tell her everything - about Damien, and his reaction, and even about the way that for one brief moment, I was hoping for something else.
“Ava…ohh, babe.” She says softly, shaking her head as she hugs me and I slowly get over my tears.
Somehow it’s easier to do that this time and I recover quicker, my breath starting to ease out as I squeeze my eyes shut and lean back against the couch. Maybe I got through the worst of it earlier, and now everything is starting to seem a little more numb.
When Vicki finally pulls back to look at me, she’s frowning.
“Well, he’s a jerk then. A selfish, stupid jerk - and you don’t need that.”
I give her a weak smile at the impassioned words - at her attempt, as always, to make it better.
“No.” I say softly, reaching out to squeeze her hand. “I don’t. Not so long as I’ve got you, hm?”
Her frown turns into a smile. “And you’ll always have me, Ava.”
I let out a deep sigh and draw my knees up to my chest, rolling my head to look over at her.
“I just hope this is the end of it. I hope he doesn’t bother me anymore. I’m not sure I can deal with…that.”
“How much longer are you working there for?” She asks, chewing at her lip.
I shrug. “It’s hard to tell. The contract doesn’t have an exact end date, just an estimated time - it’s really when we get it all done, and this other company they’re working with, Prestige Trust, when they’re happy with everything too. Maybe another couple of months?”
“Mm…” Her lips twist, but I shake my head.
“It’s not like I want the job to end, Vicks. I like it there, it’s a good job, and if Damien ignores me…” I shrug again. “Well, let’s be honest, I need the money too. Especially now…”
I glance down at my stomach and Vicki looks at me for a long moment.
“You mean, you’re thinking of keeping it after all?”
I suck in a long breath. “No. Not exactly. I still don’t think I can. But…”
But I want the option? But I want to feel like there might be a way?
“But you don’t need to decide right now.” Vicki finishes for me, and I nod.
“C’mon, I got you peanut butter ice cream. You seem to have finished all the jars of that stuff in the house, and since my usual offerings of wine or cocktails aren’t going to work, I figured…”
I’m smiling before she finishes the sentence.
“Can we skip the trashy romantic films tonight, though? I don’t think I can face that right now.”
She frowns. That is basically all we ever watch. “What are you thinking?”
“Maybe…some horror flick?” I suggest, to her entirely unconvinced expression. “Might be good for me to be terrified by something that isn’t my life right now.”
That makes her laugh and she finally sighs.
“Okay, sure. Only because it’s you.”
“Thanks Vicki.”
“No problem.” She says, as she leaves to find the ice cream. “You’re going to get through this, Ava - and who knows, maybe it’ll work out better than you think.”
I wrap my hands around my stomach once she’s gone, some part of my brain still ticking away, trying to come up with a plan.
“I hope so, Vicki.” I whisper, more to my stomach than anything. “I really hope so.”
Chapter Eighteen
Damien
I froze the moment Ava told me.
Totally and completely. Nothing about it seemed re
al or possible or anything. I’d walked in that room thinking I was going to ask her out on a date - suggest that we actually see what could be between us after Two-Bit’s contract with Indivest ends. That was what I was thinking about, anticipating and looking forward to.
Then she said that - she said she was pregnant - and everything changed. My mind, lightning-fast when it comes to business deals and all the sudden changes I have to deal with there, just couldn’t comprehend it. It couldn’t keep up.
All I could do was think how impossible it was.
It took minutes after she left before I tried turning around, tried calling after her - saying her name. She was long gone by then.
After that, I took off. Not to find her, not exactly - I just couldn’t be in that room anymore.
I couldn’t be in the office anymore.
I left, not telling anyone as I walked out - not even Katy, who I was supposed to have a several-hour meeting with later. It didn’t even occur to me.
I wasn’t paying any attention to where I was going as I walked, but I didn’t stop. I couldn’t stop. Eventually, I found a park and ended up walking around and around it for hours.
Pregnant. With my child.
The thought is enough to blow everything else out of my mind. The idea that something exists that’s a part of me. Right now. Suddenly come into the world.
We had sex once without protection. Once. What are the chances of something like that?
It’s almost…miraculous.
It takes me a long time to get over the shock - but when I do, I can’t help the images that start flitting through my mind.
Having a child. A baby. Watching them grow. Teaching them, playing with them…
Shit.
That wasn’t what I thought I’d be imagining. I mean, a baby would change…everything.
My life, my work…
The brief thoughts I had of going traveling, like Emily suggested, of finally taking some time off work to do something different, like Katy wanted - something for me - that would all be impossible. Instead of a life free from responsibility and constantly worrying about someone else…it would be inviting all that back into it. For far longer than it took Emily to grow up. Maybe even forever. I’m not sure that I wouldn’t keep worrying about a child of mine, however old they got.
So why can I picture it so easily? A baby, a child, something I’ve created that’s mine to care for…
The strange energy building inside me doesn’t feel like the adrenaline rush you get with fear, when you want to escape or need to get away from a situation. No, it feels a lot like…excitement.
I tell myself that’s stupid, but I can’t help it.
It’s not at all what I expected, nothing I could have planned for or anticipated. But why does that mean it’s a bad thing?
It takes me a lot longer to accept that’s how I really feel about it - I want it. I want this baby.
And I want Ava, too.
A family.
Sure, maybe that’s getting ahead of myself, but it’s still exactly what I’m picturing. I want them both. If I’m going to do this, I want to do it properly - and a baby needs a Dad and a Mom. Together. The way my parents raised me. The way I could never quite compensate for when I was raising Emily.
The more I think about it, the more the excitement starts to build.
I wanted to go on a date with Ava. Okay, this is slightly more, but…I would have wanted more eventually. I’m sure of it.
Ava!
The thought suddenly occurs to me, as I’m busy making all these plans for us in my head, and I picture the look on her face as I just stood there…and groan.
Then I remember the other thing she said - that she was going to give our baby up for adoption - and dismay hits me.
The idea of someone else raising my child…no. Just no. Even if I hadn’t been convinced - even if the idea was as terrifying as it should be, instead of giving me this strange excitement - that would have been enough to do it.
I’m not having someone else raise my child. Not even knowing who I am. Wondering why I ever gave them up.
Just no.
I have to take several deep, calming breaths and I realize how much my pacing around the park has sped up when I start getting glances from dog-walkers I careen past. I force myself to stop, to stand still for a few moments, and think it through properly.
I didn’t react well. I know that. But, I mean, what was I supposed to say?
What do you say in a situation like that?
I can’t take in that kind of news so quickly.
But I know by the way she looked at me that whatever the right response was, I didn’t give it. I screwed up.
So you’re going to have to fix it.
I’m going to have to convince her that this is a good thing - that we can do this together and that it’s something I want with her. It feels crazy to want something so serious with a woman I’ve slept with twice and barely know, but I do. I wanted to go out with her, I wanted more…well, this is definitely more.
I just have no idea how I’m going to convince her of any of that.
Doesn’t matter. You have to try.
Eventually, finally determined to go and do just that, I start trying to work out where I am and how to get back to the office. It’s late now, most of the afternoon disappearing into my endless circling thoughts, before they finally resolved into something real. I pull out my cell phone to use the GPS tracker to get me headed back in the right direction and notice the dozen missed calls and messages from Katy. Figures.
I ignore them all, too intent on Ava and wishing once again that I had her number.
We really need to sort that. Along with, I guess, a dozen other things.
Then again, this isn’t really the sort of thing I want to tell her over the phone. I just hope she’s still there, working later than everyone else as usual, when I get back.
It takes me another hour to walk back to the office and by the time I get there, the whole design team has left for the evening - but Katy hasn’t.
“Where the hell have you been?” She asks, rounding on me with a glare.
Damn. She only uses that tone when she’s scared more than pissed.
“I’m sorry.” I say, my breath leaving me at the discovery that Ava isn’t here. I slump against the wall beside the door to the darkened room.
“Are you okay? What’s going on?” She gives me a searching glance, but for once, I don’t think I can answer her. “You disappeared today. We were supposed to have that account meeting—”
“I know.” I sigh, running a hand through my hair. “Personal emergency.”
For once, I don’t have an explanation, not quite comfortable telling her exactly what this is about. Katy knows almost everything about me, but this…I don’t know. It’s not even the thought of what she’d say about me sleeping with someone I work with, or that I’m sure Ava really doesn’t want me to go around telling people. It’s just that right now, it’s something between Ava and I. Not anyone else.
I know it was the wrong thing to say the moment Katy gasps, looking at me in alarm.
“Is Emily okay?” She asks immediately.
I flush, feeling immediately guilty. Katy cares for Emily almost as much as I do.
“No, no, she’s fine. Nothing like that. Don’t worry. It was just…a personal thing.”
Her brow creases and she steps closer, her tone lowering as she looks at me with worry. “Damien…you look…almost wild right now. And you’ve told me every ‘personal emergency’ you’ve had since you were ten. D’you want to get a drink, tell me what’s going on?”
I blink. This is the first time Katy has offered to go out for a drink with me without me badgering her first for months.
I let out a slow breath and squeeze her arm.
“Thanks, but…maybe eventually. I think I need to deal with this one on my own for a little bit.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah, but…thank
s, Katy. I mean it.”
“Well if you need some time, or there’s anything I can do…”
I nod and she accepts it, even if that concerned look stays on her face as I push up from the wall.
“I’m just going to sleep on it.”
Nothing else I can do, since Ava isn’t here. It will have to wait until tomorrow, even if it’s not something I want to wait another moment.
Katy nods as I start walking away and I sigh softly to myself.
Who knows, maybe sleeping on it will help you work out what the hell you’re going to say when you see her again.
* * *
I’m at the office before anyone else the next morning - even the early morning cleaners.
I can’t help it. I couldn’t sleep - and all I can think about is seeing Ava again. Talking to her about…the baby. Our baby.
Our baby.
It’s still a crazy thought, but I’m already starting to smile thinking about it.
Sure, it will change everything, but maybe that’s what I need. It feels like my life has been the same for a very long time.
The moment I see people start to arrive, I watch the hallway opposite my desk, waiting for Ava. I still have no idea what I’m going to do when I see her, but if she’s alone…maybe I can pull her into my office. Not for long. Not long enough for anyone to notice. Just so I can talk to her - even if it’s just to get her to agree to meet me later, so we can talk properly somewhere else.
I know it’s a risky idea and I’m pretty sure she’ll hate that, but…what else can I do?
It dies the moment I do see her though - surrounded by a group of people from the design team and walking quickly along. I still stand up at my desk, but she doesn’t even look over in my direction, her head turned away from me and all her attention on what the man next to her is saying.
For one crazy instant, I have a brief moment of jealousy as I wonder who he is. Except, of course, I know he’s just a work colleague and it’s a stupid reaction. It’s just that her attention is so decisively not on me. Probably even deliberately.
They pass and I sink back into my chair with a sigh, trying to work out what I’m going to do if she’s determined to ignore me. The last thing I want is to cause a scene.