by Lara Swann
I come up with a dozen stupid ways to try and get her into my office without raising any suspicions - not easy, when even knowing her name would be unusual - one of which involves holding impromptu employee satisfaction interviews that would end up with another several dozen people in and out of my office, too. I dismiss them all one by one, until I’m left with the only simplistic thing I can think of.
Asking her to talk to me.
I wait until lunchtime and, as I’d guessed, when she walks back past my office she has her whole design team around her again. Definitely avoiding me.
I scrawl a quick note and stand up, hoping to find the room they’re working in as empty as it had been when I went looking for Ava yesterday. I glance around before I enter, but there’s no one around - and thankfully, no one inside.
I’ve come by to talk to Ava enough times to know where she sits and I walk quickly over to her desk, leaving the note folded just under her keyboard. She should notice it straight away, but to anyone else it could just be some idea she’s had or something. As safe as I can make it.
I leave as quickly as I entered - and then I just have to wait for the excruciatingly slow passing of the rest of the day, until people gradually start to leave.
When I finally think I’ve seen most of the design team walk past my office door - without Ava, which I hope is a good sign - I stand up and slowly make my way to another office, tucked away down several corridors. As I’d thought, the desks in this space are all empty, with most of the admin team leaving exactly on time. At the end is an office with only one full-sized window facing out onto the rest of the open-plan space.
Maria’s office - the leader of our admin team - who has been out on maternity leave for the last few months, leaving the room unoccupied. The two girls who are job-sharing her responsibilities use it for meetings occasionally, but otherwise no-one wanted to take over her space. It will be there waiting for her when she’s ready to come back, just as she left it.
And it gives me a convenient place to ask Ava to meet me, away from the chance of anyone else seeing us - or hearing any of the fallout of this conversation. I’m hoping there won’t be too much of that…but I don’t know. I get the feeling I’ve really screwed up here, and…well, I can’t say I’m not affected by the idea of my baby myself.
I walk into the room, taking in the bright colors and pictures of flowers Maria has used to decorate, before turning and closing the blinds, bringing the automatic lights to life.
Then I’m just left to pace up and down the space as I wait for Ava, just hoping she’ll come and hear me out. It’s a generously sized office, but after I’ve done a couple of loops of it, it’s starts feeling smaller and smaller.
If this doesn’t work, you’re going to have to find her after work one evening, or request the cell phone numbers of the whole team, or something. Probably not entirely ethical, but this is your baby you’re thinking about—
The door opens behind me and I spin around immediately - to see Ava standing there, obviously guardedly. She steps inside and shuts the door behind her, but the expression on her face is all defiance and challenge, and the tilt of her hips combined with her folded arms makes her look even more guarded.
She still looks absolutely gorgeous - and now that I know about the baby, I can see the slight glow of it in her cheeks, something about it almost magnetic. Her eyes are still a little sunken and dark, I’m guessing from the sickness, but the color in them is as bright as ever.
“Ava…” I breathe, unable to help it.
“What did you want to talk about?” She asks, cutting me off with an abrupt, reserved tone.
“I’m sorry about yesterday.” I say immediately, my eyes lingering on hers, wanting her to know just how sincere I am, even if I stop myself from taking a step closer.
“How I reacted—” I take a deep breath. “It was—”
“It doesn’t matter.” She says, barely glancing over my face. “As I said, you don’t need to worry about it. I’d rather we just didn’t talk about it anymore and—”
“We can’t not talk about it.” I say, emphatic and more than slightly desperate, before I can stop myself. “Ava, that’s my baby.”
She almost flinches and something about it twists inside my gut.
Does she not want it to be my baby? Is there something about me that—
She takes an obvious breath. “And?”
“And? What do you mean ‘and’?! It’s my baby.”
“A baby you wanted nothing to do with - that you were horrified even existed - so—”
“I wasn’t horrified.” I suck my breath in through my teeth. “Ava, I was just shocked. I didn’t—I never—it never occurred to me—”
“And I know how much this screws up your life - all those fun plans you were making, right? So you don’t need to worry about it and—”
“Ava, I want to worry about it.”
She pauses, the words spilling out of her suddenly drying up as she looks at me.
“What?”
I finally step closer to her, and breathe an internal sigh of relief when she doesn’t move away.
“Ava, listen, I know I didn’t react…well, yesterday. But, I mean, surely it was a shock to you too, right? I don’t know what you wanted from me, but I can’t believe that the moment you found out, you were suddenly enthusiastic or eager or whatever you expected me to feel about it. I mean, you said you were—you were—”
For some reason, I can’t say the adoption word out loud. It’s not like there’s anything wrong, there shouldn’t be anything wrong with it, but it’s my baby. I’m not sure I can even think about my baby being raised by someone else.
I reach out to touch her arm, but she jerks back from me, crystal blue eyes glaring up into mine.
“I didn’t start blaming you for it, though!” She says, her breath shuddering out of her. I’m horrified to see the glimmering of tears in her eyes as she looks up at me, my stomach twisting at the sight. “You acted like I’d done it on purpose - like I’d deliberately misled you about the pill - like I’m some kind of—like I wanted to—to—use this somehow. I can’t believe you thought that of me—that I was some kind of gold digger!”
I just stare at her, her words washing over me and leaving me chilled to my core. Until she said it, that thought had never even occurred to me - that she might have done this on purpose.
“My god.” I mutter, shaking my head. “No, Ava, I—”
This time, I don’t care how she might react. There are tears at the corners of her eyes, she’s almost shaking and she just looks so very fragile that I step in and pull her into my arms. She’s stiff at first, I can feel the resistance there, but once my arms are around her something in her body relaxes, just very slightly. I can’t help it, I lean down and inhale the gorgeous scent of her.
“Ava…no…I never thought…” I close my eyes, squeezing tight for a moment as I breathe deeply. Yesterday comes back to me with absolute clarity and it’s suddenly so obvious why she thought that. Why my response might have made her think that. “I promise you, that never occurred to me. I shouldn’t have—I shouldn’t have questioned you, I shouldn’t have reacted that way. But I was just confused - and that’s what my mind does when I don’t understand. I just…say it out loud. I’m sorry, Ava, really.”
She slowly raises her head to look up at me and the hesitancy I see in her eyes is almost painful.
“You didn’t…think that?”
“No.” I repeat again. “No, Ava, I really didn’t. Of course you didn’t mean this to happen. Neither of us did. But…that doesn’t mean it has to be a bad thing, you know.”
She blinks. “What?”
I take a breath, but I can’t contain the thoughts that have been circling in my mind ever since I first heard she was pregnant, not anymore.
“We can raise this baby together, Ava. I’ve wanted you since that first night together - and this baby, well, I want that too—”
“Wa
it, what?” Ava steps back from me and I can see the doubt clouding her eyes as they meet mine. Not exactly what I was hoping for. “Damien, you can’t just—yesterday you could barely deal with the idea my baby existed and now—what—you want to turn your life around to raise it? Together?”
“Yes.” I say, unperturbed. “I’ve been thinking about it since you first told me, Ava, and—”
“You’ve been thinking about it for one day and this is the conclusion you’ve reached? Just like that?” The doubt in her voice becomes incredulous. “Babies aren’t just some sweet romantic notion, Damien. They’re hard work and stress and chaos too, and it’s not like you can change your mind the moment you realize that. Don’t get me wrong, I get it - believe me I do - there’s something about this life I’ve created that makes me…but I have to be real about this, and the truth is it’s not that simple—”
“You think I don’t know that?” I raise an eyebrow at her and watch as she pauses, the flush slowly rising up her face as she obviously remembers what I’ve told her about raising Emily. “I know exactly what it means when I say I want this baby - that I want you both.”
“Okay, sure, maybe you do. Better than me, anyway. So why do you think we can just…do this?! We barely know each other, Damien!” She takes a ragged breath and I can see how much this conversation is affecting her. I just don’t know whether that’s a good thing or not. I don’t know whether anything I’m saying - or anything I want - is getting through to her. “I’m not going to pretend that there isn’t something between us - but we’ve spent two nights together. Not even that. That’s nothing, not when you compare it to raising a baby. I can’t—I can’t risk what would happen if—if that something isn’t enough. If, tomorrow, you realize this out-of-nowhere decision was the wrong one.”
I open my mouth to tell her that we’d work it out - that if everything between us fell apart, we’d just have to be awesome co-parents, because that’s the only option for me - but I pause at what I see in her eyes. The distrust behind the fear and doubt. It hurts me to see it, but I’m not going to deny it - and some part of me even understands. To her, this might look like a crazy overnight decision - an impulse that might not last more than a few days. After the way I responded yesterday, I can understand the mistrust.
She’s right in some ways. She doesn’t know me. She doesn’t know just how serious I am right now.
So I stop. I seize on the other thing she admitted - the very real existence of this thing between us that we can’t deny. Something that I’m sure is more than two nights should create. Something that now has the weight of a baby added onto it as well.
“Look, we don’t…we don’t have to make a decision about all of that now, okay? I understand you think this is impulsive - that I haven’t thought it through - that it might not work. I mean every word, but I don’t mind taking the time to show you that, Ava.” I reach forward again, my hand running down her arm as I step closer to enjoy that small contact. “I won’t lie that I want this baby, and I want it with you, but…that doesn’t have to be what this is about. Not right now.”
I lean down before I think about it anymore, brushing my lips over hers. It’s a kiss spurred by passion and emotion that I can’t contain, by a need to be close to her and show her something of what I feel. I don’t intend it to be more than a light touch…but the moment I feel her lips against mine, it becomes more, the pressure increasing as her mouth softens under me. My innocent expression of feelings I can’t contain turns into the beginnings of a passionate kiss, our mouths moving together and her breathing hitching under me.
When I pull back, I’m breathing harder than I intended, but every part of me is singing with heat and desire.
“Come on a date with me.” I murmur, my voice tinged with heat now. “That’s why I came looking for you yesterday. I wanted to ask you out, before I found out about any of this. After that night in New York, that’s what I wanted.”
Her brow puckers, but I continue before she can interrupt with what I know she’s about to say.
“I was going to suggest going on a real date after your contract ended with my company, but now…” I glance down at her stomach. I can’t see anything, of course, but that doesn’t stop me imagining it. “I don’t want to wait that long. Come to my house, Friday night, I’ll cook dinner. No one will know.”
My eyes linger on hers, but there’s no way I’m taking no for an answer here.
“I want to get to know you properly, Ava.” I lean forward again, and her hands come to rest on my hips, our bodies almost close enough to touch now. “We’re having a baby together.”
I can feel the tension that goes through her at that comment, but she doesn’t pull away from me.
“Damien…” I can still hear the uncertainty in her voice. “That’s not exactly what we’re doing.”
“One date.” I say again. “No pressure. Let’s just see what happens, hm?”
“Okay.” She finally nods. “One date.”
She steps back, but when she looks up at me her expression is more thoughtful than it was before. I smile and after a moment, she matches it.
“I should go.” She glances over her shoulder, biting her lip. “I don’t want to do this here anymore.”
I nod, then suddenly pull out my cell phone as that reminds me.
“I’ve wanted your number for weeks.” I say, amusement tinging my voice. “It’ll save me sneaking around leaving notes on your desk.”
“That almost gave me a heart attack.” She murmurs, but I just smile.
“So…”
“Okay, okay.”
She recites her number and I finally get to save it into my phone - before calling her to make sure she has mine too.
“I’ll see you on Friday.” I say softly, and she nods again.
“Friday.”
It’s barely a word on her lips, but it’s there, and there’s something about the look in her eyes that has my heart beating faster.
She disappears and I’m left looking at my phone.
Finally.
I’m not sure what it is about a simple phone number, but it finally makes this thing we’re doing seem real, instead of the loose fantasy of two amazing nights.
Friday.
Ava and her baby.
Friday.
My smile grows as I look at the door to the darkened office.
The first step to getting exactly what I want from this.
I’ll make sure of that.
Chapter Nineteen
Ava
“That was your parents. Again.”
Vicki says, coming out of the kitchen making an exasperated noise. When I don’t say anything, she just looks at me.
“Don’t you want to know what they said?”
“I can guess.” I sigh.
“Since they haven’t been able to get hold of you since you’ve been sick, they’ve been calling me to check you’re still alive. When was the last time you spoke to them?”
“Last weekend, when I got back from New York.” I admit, wincing. “What did you say?”
“That you were working. As always. But seriously Ava, you need to call them back. They’re worried about you.”
“I know, it’s just…” I bite my lip. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Tell them what’s going on, maybe?” She raises an eyebrow at me, picking up the curling tongs that she left on the coffee table when her land line rang.
“I can’t, Vicki. Not when everything is still so…uncertain. Not until I know what I’m going to do.”
“They wouldn’t mind that, Ava, you know it. They’d want to help.”
“Just for once, I don’t want to need their help. I don’t want to go to them with another disaster for them to fix. For once in my life, I’d like them to think I’ve got a plan and I’ve worked this out for myself.”
She gives me a dubious look and even though I know she’s probably right in what she’s thinking - I doubt my parents will ca
re about any of that, I care about it. And…and I don’t know what I think right now. Damien is confusing me enough. I don’t want more people and opinions and…and…everything until I know what I think myself.
After a moment, Vicki just sighs. We’ve had this conversation several times now - she knows it’s not going to go anywhere else.
“You should at least call them back - let them know you’re okay and not puking up your guts anymore.”
“I am still puking up my guts.” I mutter.
It’s not quite as bad as at the beginning of the week, but still…it’s not exactly what I’d like to wake up to each morning. I’ve already spent the last couple of days googling how long morning sickness is supposed to last.
“Well, that you’re okay then.”
“I know.” I say, then hesitate all over again, looking at Vicki for support. “But…I’m not sure I can right now. I mean, the moment I started talking to Damien, it just all came out. I couldn’t help it. What if I do the same thing on the phone to my Mom? How can I risk that?”
Vicki sighs as well, gesturing me to sit down on the chair she’s dragged in from the kitchen.
“Alright, alright, Ava. But I think you need to work this out sooner rather than later. They’re just going to keep calling.”
That’s one disadvantage of overly-caring parents, being an only child and having a close-knit family. They worry.
“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.”
She shrugs, her free hand starting to play with my hair and bounce it up off my head. “You know I’ll cover for you as long as you like, just like I did back at sixteen when you wanted to sneak off to the park with Jackson. But I’m just saying, Ava, we all know how that ended up.”
A laugh bursts out of me at that, in sudden surprise.
“I’m not sure that was your fault.” I say, twisting around to grin at her.
She swats me back into place before separating my hair and starting to wrap it around the curler.
“You know.” I muse, as the familiar heat right next to my face keeps me still for once. “I haven’t thought about Jackson in…I can’t even remember the last time.”