Redemption

by Sam J. D. Hunt

  “Faking it isn’t me. It never will be. I’ll keep Grace by my side if it kills me, but not by living a lie.”

  “I’m sorry I repulse you so much, you stupid fucking white trash piece of shit.”

  She left, and I made it until three in the morning, Grace’s normal middle of the night feeding and diaper change. But as I looked at my precious daughter, I craved the other woman I loved.

  Nineteen

  How Much More Do I Have To Lose?

  Tara

  I’d slept with the TV on ever since breaking with Shawn in a failed attempt not to think.

  During the day, I stayed as busy as possible. And in the Clark County system, busy was easy. But when I’d finally force myself to go home, the feelings were all there.

  I still loved him so badly that it felt like a hole inside of me that nothing filled.

  One night, so late that House Hunters had turned into some vacuum infomercial, my phone buzzed with a text at my side.

  Tara, we had to put Thug down today. Just wanted you to know. Thanks. - Shawn

  I had to smile at how his texts were always complete sentences with punctuation and a signature.

  I should have texted back something like

  So sorry to hear that!

  But instead, I got in my car and drove across town to him.

  “You shouldn’t be here,” he said. But his actions betrayed his words as I fell into his arms.

  “He was a great dog,” I said.

  “It’s all falling apart now, Tara. Besides Grace, my entire world is crashing around me.”

  “It’s not. In a week the case is closed and you’re free.”

  “I’m free to leave you, free to leave the only life I’ve ever known?”

  “It’s a sacrifice for her.” The words sounded strong, but in his arms I broke.

  “How much more do I have to lose?”

  My face was in his hands as he forced my eyes to meet his. “Please don’t marry her. Whatever you do, don’t do that.”

  “God no, that’s done.”

  “I’m so glad you called me.” I fell into him, my legs intertwining with his.

  “If we can’t have this forever, let’s have it for one last night, Tara.”

  He carried me to bed, and we washed away our pain in each other. But like most things that are perfect, it couldn’t last. Before morning light, I sneaked back home like a teenager after curfew.

  But I knew it wouldn’t be that way for long. Shawn and Grace were gone, but I wasn’t. Not yet.

  My only regret from that night was not telling him that I loved him. I should have, and knew I would never again have the opportunity. But the true reason I didn’t was the staggering fear that he would say it back. If he said those three words, I’d never have the strength to leave.

  Mack

  Tara was gone, and my beloved Thug was gone. But the next morning, in came yet another loss.

  As I opened the door, there stood the mother of my child.

  She held up her hands in the classic “I mean no harm” pose.

  “I just want to see her,” she said as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

  “You’ve caused a lot of fucking problems, Melissa.”

  “I know, and I can never undo that. But I’m about to go into rehab, and I just want to see her one last time.”

  I’ll admit I wanted to slam the door in her face. Actually, I’ll admit I wanted to do so much worse than that.

  “Here’s my worry, baby. You get clean, for a hot second, and then what? You run back here and try to be mommy?”

  “No, Mack, honestly, that’s not it. I want to atone.”

  “Such a heavy fucking word. But tell me, how do you atone for selling your daughter to pimps so they can send her to Syria?”

  Her pale skin reddened as her sunken eyes looked from side to side.

  “Let me see her, and I’ll give you what you want.”

  “Which is?”

  She reached into the pocket of her worn hoodie and pulled out an envelope. It reminded me of months ago when she showed up at my door with a birth certificate.

  “I mean it, Mack. She belongs with you. Why do you think I brought her here in the first place?”

  I tucked the sealed envelope into the back of my jeans, relieved that she had finally surrendered parental rights.

  “Can I hold her one last time?”

  I didn’t trust her an inch, but she had given me the world. Never in a million years would I have had a child on my own. For fuck’s sake, I’d tried to get a vasectomy in my twenties and they wouldn’t do it. I remember begging the doc, saying I never want to be like my own non-father.

  “Try anything and you’ll wish the Russians killed you.”

  She nodded, and I gestured toward Grace’s room. I followed her like a jewelry store security guard as she shuffled toward the crib.

  Looking around, see seemed surprised. “It’s all so beautiful.”

  “I guess I did okay on the room. She likes Winnie the Pooh, at least I think she does. Sometimes she smiles at that big one in the corner.”

  “She’s so perfect,” she said.

  Grace was just starting to wake, that perfect time when her long eyelashes fluttered and her arms flailed.

  “Do you want to feed her?”

  She nodded, and I pointed to the rocker in the corner. “Sit there, she loves to rock. Hold her close, by your heartbeat. I’ll get the bottle ready.”

  “Thank you,” she said, her eyes misting over with tears.

  “I hate to sound like a dick, but leave this room with her and of course you won’t get past the doorframe.”

  “Got it,” she said with a wink.

  I sat on the floor in front of them as she fed my daughter. She would never be our daughter, and we both knew that.

  “Did my parents cause you any trouble? If so, I hope that paper I gave you will help. It’s legal and everything – an actual attorney did it.”

  “They’ve been okay, just concerned I think.”

  “No, they are monsters. When I was in grad school, my mother attacked my sister. And then, Dad strangled the family cat when Theresa threatened to tell.”

  I studied her, like I do, in the dim light of Grace’s nursery. She was telling the truth as she believed it, but the story seemed shady.

  “Did you ask them about this?”

  “No! Theresa said they’d threatened terrible things if she told anyone, so I never did. But I did cut off all ties with them.”

  “And your sister? Did you two stay close?”

  She nodded. “I hate to admit it, but she’s the one who got me addicted. It started with cocaine to stay up for exams and stuff. But she always had money so she’d get me whatever I wanted.”

  “So she did drugs? Theresa?”

  “No, never. But she sure as hell filled me with them.”

  I debated how much to tell Misty, but decided I needed more information. “She’s been all over me. Even suggested I marry her so we could raise Grace together.”

  “No, Mack! Stay away from her. Stay the fuck away from all of them.”

  Once Grace was fed, she got fussy and I picked her up. “I need to change her. Do you wants pics with her or anything?”

  Misty looked confused. “For what?”

  “Oh, I meant to take to rehab or whatever?”

  She smiled. “Or for her to remember me by?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, for sure.”

  We took a few with my phone because she didn’t have one. And then, I sensed it was time to bring it to an end. Grace was getting fussy, and I needed to drop Grace with my sister and get to the gym.

  Misty looked down at her thin frame and ratty clothes. “Do you think I could take a bath? I hate to go looking like this.”

  “Yeah, bathroom is in the hall. Use the yellow soap, the blue one is some weird stuff my sister left.”

  Somehow I lost track of time in our routine. When I glanced at my watch, i
t was thirty minutes later.

  And the bathroom door remained closed.

  “Hey, I kind of have to pee. Sorry, but can you finish up in there?”

  Nothing.

  The thought hit me that she was shooting up, so I tapped a little harder on the door. “Misty, no worries about what you’re doing. I’ll take you to rehab high, drive you myself. They understand.”

  Still nothing, so I pounded harder.

  A cold sweat formed on the back of my neck as I kicked the thin bathroom door in.

  I reached for my phone and dialed 911 for the first time in my life.

  There, in my once spotless bathtub, the mother of my daughter floated in a crimson pool of her own blood. She had slit her wrists.

  Someday I knew I’d have to explain to Grace how her mother died. But for now, I stood in the doorway and stared at her naked body. In her pale chest, she’d carved the words I’m sorry.

  Yes, I felt remorse and guilt. But shamefully, the predominant emotion was relief. I was now Grace’s only living biological parent.

  Twenty

  He Doesn’t Have To Be Alive

  Mack

  It was an unlikely choice for an ally, but I followed my gut. It usually served me well.

  “I was surprised you called. Pleasantly surprised.” Edward Warner sat across from me at the iconic egg place off the Strip.

  “It’s not for the reason you’d hoped.” I sipped at the coffee and stared at the menu, knowing there was little on that laminated card that I would eat.

  “I was hoping to cheer my wife up with some good news. She’s not been well since the…”

  “Since Misty’s death?”

  “Since Melissa’s selfish suicide.” His lips formed a hard line as he poured a ridiculous amount of sugar into his steaming mug.

  “She was sick, Edward. Sick and encouraged by someone she thought loved her.”

  “You didn’t!” His face reddened as those around us began to stare.

  “No, of course not. She’s my daughter’s mother, for fuck’s sake. Theresa did it.”

  “Impossible. Theresa loved her sister! Did everything to try to save her.”

  I pulled out the crisp piece of paper that Misty had given me right before she killed herself. I’d assumed it was regarding her parental rights, but it wasn’t.

  The color drained from his face as he read the words from his daughter’s will:

  I’m doing what’s best for everyone. And I leave the locket that grandma gave me to my sister Theresa for showing me how to escape this life, in the past and now. I’m doing exactly what you said and ending the pain today.

  “That’s…” He shook his head, and read the words again.

  “Fucked up. So you see I can’t marry Theresa like you wanted.”

  “Marry her? What?” He squinted at me, confused.

  “She said the reason you guys withdrew your concern was because I agreed to raise Grace with her.”

  He shook his head vigorously. “We’d never do that!”

  I decided to bring up the rest. “When Misty was at Pepperdine, did you have a cat?”

  He grinned. “Great guy. We called him Roamer because we couldn’t seem to keep him in the house.”

  “He was killed somehow?”

  “Well, no, he was a fifteen year old Maine Coon cat. When the diabetes got too bad, our family vet put him to sleep.”

  “You were there with him?”

  “Of course. We all were, everyone but Misty. By then she’d stopped talking to us.”

  “Theresa told Misty that you strangled the cat.”

  “That’s insane!”

  “Insane is a good word.”

  I decided not to tell him the rest. Edward was visibly shaken, and he’d clearly heard enough.

  “On a happier subject, would you like to see Grace Olivia?”

  He nodded. “We can’t wait for the visit tomorrow. Do you have any recent pictures of her?”

  “Of course, hundreds,” I said with a wide smile. “But I meant in person, now?”

  “Maude and I would like nothing better!”

  “Here, I’ll text you my address. She’s there now with my buddy and his girlfriend. It’s not fancy, but if you’ll forgive that, you can see where she lives.”

  Edward’s entire demeanor changed. “Should we call the social worker? Or are we okay just to do this on our own?”

  Tara. I gulped. It would be a great excuse to see her, I thought selfishly.

  But that was weak; she’d left me, and I wasn’t about to make excuses to see her. I’d already talked my sister into taking Grace to the supervised visit, and now wasn’t the time to lose my resolve.

  “No reason to. In fact, now that we’re all civil, I don’t see a need for supervised visits at all.” A kick in the gut came over me, but I needed to put Grace’s needs before my own wants.

  “So you won’t reconsider coming to work with me out in Marin? We could have Grace close, and I think you’d be a great asset to my team.”

  “I can’t do that, but I may have some opportunities coming that will bring us out your way, Edward.”

  He smiled wide. “Give us a chance, Mack, that’s all I ask.”

  Tara

  “Finish that MacKenzie case.” My coffee splashed out as my boss slammed his fist down on my desk. The very word “MacKenzie” made me want to sob.

  “I already submitted my report and Judge Wheeler is in agreement. I’d be happy to close it out formally here.”

  “When is the hearing?”

  “Informal hearing, really just a meeting of the interested parties.”

  “I asked when, Tara.”

  “Next week.”

  “Good, then the little white trash baby will get the fuck out of Clark County with her loving grandparents.”

  I cringed at his words. “Actually, I’ve concluded that Grace Olivia should stay with her father. The mother committed suicide, so he’s the only living parent.”

  “The tweaker whore mother slit her fucking wrists in his bathtub, Drake. He’s a felon, a gang-banger, and will never be anything more. Furthermore, everyone involved knows you were fucking him until he dumped you for the baby mama’s sister.”

  I shot up from my chair and got in his face. “Listen you fucking piece of shit,” I spat at him, shocking myself at my language. Our entire office stared, most of them with big grins on your face.

  “Yeah, Ms. Drake? What do you want to say before I fire you?”

  “Grace MacKenzie stays with her father. And if you do one damn thing to hinder that, I’ll have both my ex-husband and my father get involved. Do you want that, Jerry?”

  “You wouldn’t play dirty, weak little girl.”

  “Watch me, asshole.”

  “Miss Drake! A quick word.”

  I’d just left one of the hearing rooms on another case when Judge Wheeler tapped me on the shoulder. “Of course, Your Honor.”

  The day prior, I’d went off on my boss, in public. I wasn’t even sure whether or not I was actually fired, and of course, my lovesick heart was still shattered into a million pieces.

  He gestured toward his chambers, and my heels clicked on the terrazzo tile as I followed him.

  Sitting across from him at his massive desk, I waited as he pulled out a manila folder. “You’re recommending MacKenzie keep his kid?”

  “Yes, Sir, and the grandparents are in agreement, so there really is no conflict. The mother also left a will asking that he raise their daughter.”

  “That is certainly the direction I’d like to see this go. However, Jerry Anderson has submitted several objections to your findings.”

  “He’s never even met with the family! Not once.”

  “You’ll need to file a formal complaint with his boss. I don’t want to close this out with CPS internally fighting – it looks bad for all of us. Do you understand?”

  “Yes, Your Honor.”

  “The best thing for now is a delay. I’ll push
the hearing back six months.”

  “No!” I hopped from my seat. As much as I wanted to keep in contact professionally with Shawn, I would never let my own selfish need for him hinder keeping his daughter.

  “I mean, give me today to try to talk to Jerry. Please?”

  “And your rush?”

  “The family is due to move to San Francisco in a few days. All of them – together.” I fought the urge to sob at the thought of Grace and Shawn leaving Vegas forever.

  “Okay,” he said with a sigh. “But I need closure on the schedule by tomorrow morning. My docket is full.”

  Two days later, it was over. The case was closed officially, and Shawn Patrick MacKenzie had undisputed custody of his baby daughter. I sat in the jury box and read my report without emotion, even though inside I was dying.

  After I’d left Judge Wheeler’s chambers the day before, I called Hank and asked him to meet me for a drink. It was a small sacrifice to make – selling my soul to the devil so Grace could have the home she deserved.

  “So, you’re sayin’ now that if lean on your dickwad boss, you’ll give us another go?” Hank had smiled smugly at me from over his beer that evening.

  “I’m willing to try, if you promise you’ll really make changes? You forced me to give up the man I love, after all. Why not take it all the way?”

  Inside, the coldness crept through me. I knew damn well that I wouldn’t live a month back with Hank. He’d punish me every day, and every night, for daring to be with another man. Since he wasn’t strong enough to take it out on Shawn, he’d use me as a whipping post, figuratively and literally.

  “It’s a deal.” The sneer from his reptilian lips made me shiver.

  Days later, outside the courthouse, I said goodbye.