Between Love and Loyalty

by Shannyn Schroeder

  Dermott leaned on the bar. “What are you going to do?”

  “You told me that if it’s right, it’s worth the trouble. Do you still believe that?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Then why didn’t you convince my mom to stay here?”

  Dermott stiffened. They never talked about Connor’s mother. Not while Connor was in prison and not since. The hurt sank too deep for both of them. Connor watched Dermott swallow hard.

  “You wanted her to go. Gave her the money and the opportunity.”

  “I was a fucked-up kid who couldn’t take care of her. I had no idea how you felt. You never said.”

  “It wasn’t my place.”

  “It was if you loved her. Have you ever talked to her?”

  Dermott’s eyes saddened and guilt smacked Connor.

  “I have. I spoke to her pretty regular when she first left. The calls became fewer over the years, but we still talk on the holidays.”

  Connor wasn’t sure how to feel about this new knowledge. Dermott had never mentioned talking to his mother. Once, while Connor was in prison and once when he got out. Connor remembered being angry and not wanting to talk to his mother, needing to avoid the disappointment she would have.

  “Sorry I never told you. You didn’t want to talk about her. I didn’t want to risk having you disappear because I pushed.”

  Connor chuckled. Dermott had pushed plenty when it came to other things. “How is she? And Danny?”

  Dermott smiled, relief replacing the sadness. “You should ask them yourself.” He reached for a napkin and scribbled a number. “Call them.”

  Connor stared at the numbers. He hadn’t spoken to his mother or Danny in years. He had no idea what to say.

  “It’s about time, don’t you think? They’ve missed you. I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve told them about you. They’ve always been eager for anything I could say.”

  “Really? I thought they’d be happy to be rid of me. I fucked everything up so bad. I didn’t want to bring them down with me.”

  Dermott patted his arm. “You wouldn’t have. But it’s time to move forward and stop worrying about the past. Time to let it go.”

  Connor got off the stool and shoved the napkin in his pocket. He’d been trying so hard to let go of the past. He’d made contact with Aiden, but that had gone south. Brady Cavanagh tried to pay him off. Fiona wanted him to expose her father. There was no letting go of his past.

  He’d be lucky if he could trudge forward.

  Back in his house, Max greeted him and the silence bore down on him. He didn’t want this to be the rest of his life. Not when he’d experienced what he could have.

  The Cavanaghs weren’t the only people who needed to make amends for the past. Connor picked up his phone and fished the napkin from his pocket. Hopefully the time difference wouldn’t make it too late.

  “Hello?”

  The sound of the best thing from his childhood constricted his chest. Even after all these years, she sounded the same. “Hi, Mom, it’s Connor.”

  “Oh, my boy, it’s so good to hear your voice. I was beginning to think I’d never hear it again.”

  The lilt of her brogue warmed him. The accent had strengthened with her being back in her home country.

  “Are you better now?”

  Such an odd question for her to ask. As if he’d been sick for a few days. Was he? He thought of Fiona and knew he was better. Better than he’d been in more years than he’d care to think. “Yeah, Mom. I am better. I’ve missed you.”

  * * *

  Fiona drove back to Sarah’s place. Her friend had been kind enough to let her stay while she searched for a new place to live. Walking into the living room, she dialed Aiden. “It’s done. I have one more favor to ask.”

  “What did he say?”

  “He apologized.” She pushed images of Connor’s battered face from her mind. She couldn’t handle thinking about him anymore. “I need you to get rid of my condo.”

  “What?”

  “Mom and Dad gave me the down payment for it and they co-signed the loan. I have no idea what money they used. I don’t want to have anything to do with their corruption.”

  “Where are you going to go?”

  “Right now, I’m at Sarah’s, but I’ll do what any other normal twenty-six year old does: I’ll get an apartment and pay rent. Maybe find a roommate.” She settled on the couch and the weight of all of her emotions dragged her down. All she wanted was more sleep. Real sleep that wasn’t plagued with dreams of a man she couldn’t have. “How soon can you get me out of there?”

  “Move whenever you want and I’ll take care of the rest.”

  He was being so supportive. He didn’t question what she wanted and whether it was the best choice. Aiden actually respected her decisions. “You’re a good brother.”

  “I haven’t been, but I’m trying.”

  Fiona hung up, knowing she would be okay with Aiden. She still hadn’t spoken to her parents, nor did she want to. She had nothing more to say to them. They believed what they’d done was right, but she would never agree. That impasse couldn’t be rectified.

  All she could do now was move on and out. Time to start fresh. She spent the day looking at the classifieds for an apartment.

  When Sarah came home from her crazed Black Friday shopping, she tossed bags in the middle of the room and plopped on the couch. “You’re looking better.”

  She didn’t tell Sarah about the evidence on her father. She thought it best to have as few people know as possible. “I’m feeling better. I’m looking for a new place to live. I’m going to spend the weekend packing up my condo and if I have to, I’ll put it all in storage and stay with Aiden until I find an apartment.”

  “You can stay here. I know my place isn’t nearly as big and nice as your condo, but you’re welcome to stay.”

  “Thanks for the offer, but I would drive you crazy. I will, however, ask you to give up your weekend to help me pack.”

  “Sure. That’s what friends are for, right?”

  Fiona went back to her apartment hunt feeling lighter than she had in days. For once in her life, she had a plan.

  * * *

  After speaking to his mother and promising to call again to talk to Danny, Connor spent the night at his kitchen table with the folder of information Fiona had given him.

  This information was exactly what the editor had been looking for. But he wouldn’t use it. Taking this and exploiting his relationship with Fiona wouldn’t fix anything and it certainly wouldn’t make her feel better. Not in the way she believed it would.

  The following morning, he repacked the files and rubbed Max’s head. “Wish me luck.”

  Unfortunately, he’d need a whole lot more than luck. He drove to Fiona’s condo and hoped she’d be home. He had no idea where else she might go. For weeks, every time she wanted to escape her family, she’d come to him. Who else would she turn to? Maybe her friend Sarah. Connor hoped not because he had no idea how to reach Sarah except through the outreach center.

  He rang Fiona’s bell, but it wasn’t her who answered. “Hello?”

  “Hi. It’s Connor. Is Fiona home?”

  A moment of silence greeted him before the intercom clicked in and out as if they couldn’t decide if they wanted to talk. Then the door buzzed.

  He felt like a kid unsure of his every step. When he got up to her condo, the door swung open and Sarah stood there, staring at him.

  She jabbed a finger in his direction. “I told you to be nice to my friend. Not a difficult task.”

  “You’re right. I fucked up and I don’t know if I can fix it, but I sure as hell need to try.”

  She fisted her hands on her hips.

  “Just let him in, Sarah.”

  Sarah grumbled but stepped aside. Fiona looked at her friend. “Could you maybe go down to the coffee shop and get us some drinks?”

  “I don’t think that’s a great idea.”

  “It’s fine, Sara
h.” Fiona hugged her friend. “Thanks.”

  Sarah snatched up her purse and shot Connor a dirty look.

  Shit. If her friend was that bad, he had little hope. He watched Sarah leave and then turned back to Fiona. Her living room was a mess. Boxes were stacked everywhere and piles of clothes littered every piece of furniture.

  “Going somewhere?”

  “I’m moving.”

  “Where?”

  She crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. So small talk was off the table.

  “I brought this back.” He set the file on the counter.

  “They’re copies, so you can keep them.”

  “No. I don’t need them because I have no intention of using them.”

  Her eyebrows furrowed. “You have to.”

  “No, I don’t. I don’t want to.” He rubbed a hand over his face. “Before we met, the one thing I wanted more than anything was to make your father pay for what he did. I’ll never like your father, but going after him means hurting you, and I’m not willing to do that. I haven’t for weeks.”

  He walked closer, half expecting her to step away, but she didn’t. “I know you find this hard to believe because I kept it all from you, but I haven’t thought about the book since before the election. When I met you, I had hopes for this exact thing.” He hitched his chin toward the file. “But it changed once I fell for you. If you want to take your father down, you’ll have to use someone else to do it.”

  He stared into her blue eyes, willing the tears to stay away. “I wrote the book to let go of the anger I had for years. I was out of control and writing it helped me regain part of me. I wanted the world to know what your father had done. I planned to use you to do that. But I got to know you and things changed.

  “I know I should’ve come clean a long time ago. When I told you about my record, your forgiveness and understanding meant more to me than anything. That’s why I couldn’t tell you the whole sordid story. I knew it would drive a wedge between you and your family and I didn’t want to be the one to cause you pain. I know what it is to lose everything. I didn’t want you to feel it as well.” He shook his head. “It’s a whole lot of bullshit to say I lied for you. I lied for me too. I was afraid of what you would think about what I would do for money. But I was more afraid of losing you.”

  Tears welled in her eyes and panic struck again. He swore he wouldn’t make her cry. Each tear felt like a tiny sword scraping away at the parts of him that were still good.

  “You should’ve had more faith in me. Trusted me to understand.”

  “Yeah, I should have. But I’ve never known anyone like you.” He stepped closer, needing to touch her, but afraid to. She met him halfway and pressed her face against his chest. The moment her arms wrapped around him, every fear seeped away.

  “Please don’t lie to me. Don’t tell me things you think I want to hear. Too many people have done that my whole life. I’d rather have the ugly truth.”

  “The ugly truth is, I love you, and I’ll do anything for you.”

  “Including letting go of the past?”

  “I’ve been working on it.” He thought of Aiden and nodded. They might never be friends again, but they could learn to be civil for her sake. They’d all been victims of Brady Cavanagh, too young to stand up to him.

  Connor grabbed her shoulders and pulled her from his chest. He tilted her chin up and looked into her eyes. “I’ve never told a woman I love her, but there’s a lot going on in your life right now. If you need time to figure things out, I’ll wait.”

  She placed her hand on top of his. “There are a lot of things I need to figure out, but you’re not one of them. I’ve been in love with you for a while, waiting for you to catch up.” She pointed at the file. “I thought that would be the end of us. I want you to be happy.”

  “You make me happy. Happier than any amount of revenge.”

  She laughed. “I don’t know how this is supposed to go.”

  He smiled. “Don’t look at me. I just told you I have no clue what I’m doing.”

  “A little bit of normal is all I’m asking for.” She leaned up and kissed him.

  The kiss revealed they would have anything but a normal life and that was more than okay with him. A lifetime with Fiona’s kind of crazy might be enough.

  Epilogue

  6 Months later

  “You sure about this?” Aiden asked as he hefted a box into the back of the truck.

  “Yes.” She and Connor had spent months rebuilding their relationship, during which time she had moved into her own apartment. She was moving again, this time into Connor’s house. She slid her box beside Aiden’s.

  “I told you I’d hire movers for you.”

  “And I told you, I could handle this on my own.”

  It had been hard going at it alone, but she’d done it. She continued to build her online jewelry store, and she’d been working with Sarah to expand the art program at the outreach center. Being truly independent from her parents was exhilarating.

  “On your own is fine, but shouldn’t your boyfriend be here to help?”

  Fiona laughed. “He’s on his way.”

  While Connor and Aiden weren’t exactly friends, Fiona believed they might get back there one day. What started out as civility toward each other in deference to her had begun to morph into reminiscing about good times as teenagers. Fiona hoped they could repair the damage caused by her father. Connor could use a friend.

  And so could Aiden.

  On the occasions they were all together, Fiona saw the down-deep connection they shared. They were two men who understood each other because they knew who the other had been as a messed-up boy, long before they became the men they were today.

  “How are Mom and Dad holding up?” she asked. She hadn’t had any contact with them since she’d stormed out of their house on Thanksgiving. Her dad was still blissfully unaware of the file of information she had on him.

  She’d ultimately decided that if Connor didn’t want it, she would just hold it. Brady Cavanagh had plenty to deal with. The investigation into his campaign dragged on for months, but earlier this week, her father had been indicted.

  “Mom is stoic as ever, but behind closed doors, I don’t think she’s handling it well. She puts on her brave face and reassures me that Dad is innocent.”

  “How can she believe that? They’ve been married for almost forty years. She helped build his career. Has he lied to her this whole time, too?” Fiona led the way back into her small apartment.

  “I’m not sure what Mom knows versus what she might suspect versus what she chooses to ignore. Mostly I’m her shoulder to lean on.” Aiden sighed as he looked over the living room full of boxes. “She would probably feel a whole lot better if you stopped by.”

  Her heart tugged. Aiden always knew how to do that. “I don’t know if I’m ready for that. I still feel betrayed. All those years of her telling me how to live, who to date, what to look like so that I could fit her image of the perfect family. But we were never that. Dad was so far from perfect. It was all smoke and mirrors.”

  Aiden leaned against the wall. “She did what she thought was best. Her life is falling apart. She doesn’t know how to handle that.”

  Fiona laughed. “Like she’ll listen to me?”

  Aiden’s shoulder lifted. “She might. You managed to walk away from everything you’ve known and continue on successfully. She’s proud of you, Fi.”

  “She said that?”

  “Plenty of times. She asks about you all the time, but she’s afraid that if she calls, it’ll make things worse.”

  Connor came through the door. “I’m a little late, so no progress is made? That’s sad, Cavanagh.”

  “Hey,” Fiona said as she wrapped her arms around his waist. “We got a few boxes in the truck.”

  Connor looked pointedly at the stacks in the living room. “Yeah, I can tell.”

  “Why were you late again? Slacking off?” Aiden asked.

&
nbsp; “I was gathering help.”

  “Huh?” As she asked the question, Sarah came through the door with a crowd of people. Other teachers and volunteers from the outreach center filled the small space with cheerful hellos as they grabbed boxes and filed back out the door.

  Sarah bumped her hip. “I told you, you’re not alone.”

  “How?” The single word was all Fiona could squeak out because she was a little choked up.

  “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you were moving today,” Sarah continued.

  “I knew you’d volunteer to help, but you helped me move last time.”

  Sarah shook her head. “While Aiden and Connor are very able-bodied men, there’s no reason for you to be working at this all night, when we can have you done in a trip or two. That’s what friends are for.”

  Fiona smiled. Growing up, most of her friendships had been superficial, everyone out to network because of who their parents were. Today, Fiona realized that she had in fact managed to collect an amazing group of friends who created a family of her own.

  * * *

  Connor leaned on the door of the spare bedroom and watched Fiona set up her workspace. The cabinet he’d made her took a prominent place in front of the windows and she arranged trays and containers on the shelves below. He was exhausted. He had no idea where she got her energy. Not only had she hefted her share of boxes today, she managed to do it all with a smile and carry on conversations with every freaking person Sarah had dragged along.

  When she caught him staring, she smiled and sauntered over. She wrapped her arms around his waist. “Thank you for today.”

  “No thanks necessary. Moving a few boxes to get you in my house was nothing.”

  “No. I mean bringing Sarah and everyone else to help. I know that was hard for you.”

  He almost brushed her thanks aside again. Asking someone for help had always been hard for him, but not when it came to her. He knew she’d been lonely since separating herself from her parents. Every now and then he caught the sad look in her eyes. “I want you to be happy.”