Irritated, I cursed Zhao Yan thousands times inside. Apparently he had warned Jinu about me before he left.
I resumed my study and my horse riding every day. Gradually I increased the number of my outing. Instead of studying at home most of the time, I began to go to Dongfang Shuo’s home every morning and then go to General Wei’s stable for horse riding in the afternoon. In the meantime, I secretly transferred my items that I planned to take away into a barrel at the horse stall. The attendant there thought they were just my clothes and never questioned anything.
My interest towards painting continue grows. Not only continued my sketch with charcoal pencil, I started to learn to use brush pen with ink. Dongfang Shuo said the way I hold the brush pen is like a butcher holding a knife. I laughed at his vivid description. It is not easy to write or paint while your elbow is in the midair without any support. I also have to worry about the ink gets on my big sleeve. I learned to hold my right sleeves with my left hand while I write with my right hand. It took me a long while to hold the brush pen steady. I also showed him how easy it is to use a sharpened goose feather to write or paint. But he was not impressed.
A charcoal sketched drawing of blossom flowers and Palace buildings was put inside a bamboo stick and was delivered to Ponu in the front. Since he could not read, I thought a sketch of Chang’an in spring would comfort him for homesickness.
When they came back in May with great triumph, along with thousands of people in Chang’an, I watched the troops marching into Chang’an proudly. General Wei, as always, mounted high on his black horse, waving and smiling to the cheering crowd. Next to him, was Huo, now should be called Captain Huo, since he got promoted. He had led a group of eight hundred cavalrymen traveled long distance and raided the base camp of Xiongnu. They had captured and had killed over thousands enemies, including the grandfather of Chanyu, Xiongnu’s Emperor.
Huo’s expression was the same as usual, no expression at all. He did not wave or smile, he just looked straight ahead as if nobody is there.
Ponu was almost non-recognizable. His chubbiness and his childlikeness disappeared completely. I waved to him and yelled his name, but the cheers was too loud around me. So I blew a loud whistle with my thumb and index finger in my mouth, a trick my dad had taught me when we watched football game. Ponu noticed me right away and gave me a big smile. I waved to him and pointed my parents and Jinu next to me.
An imperial amnesty was decreed by Emperor Wu to celebrate the victory. Thousands prisoners have been released or sentence reduced. Captain Huo was made the Marquess of Champion with marches of twenty five hundred households. General Wei, has killed and captured more than ten thousands enemies by his troops, was only awarded with gold cakes since one of his generals, Zhao Xin, had defected.
Zhao Xin is a Xiongnu and was a turncoat two years ago. With eight hundred of his original soldiers, he went back to Xiongnu again. Chanyu, the Emperor of Xiongnu married his sister to Zhao Xin. When Emperor Wu sent imperial guards to search his home in Chang’an, he found out Zhao Xin’s two sons had long gone and his wife had committed suicide.
Now it is already July and my preparation for leaving has all been set. As usual, I said good bye to my parents and Jinu in the morning and then I took my two servant maids to Dongfang Shuo’s home. As always my servant maids stayed in the servant quarter waiting for me while I went in to Dongfang Shuo’s study. He was not there. Emperor Wu has ordered him to go to the court that morning. But I did not tell anyone about this.
I changed into a set of rough linen clothes, switched to a pair of straw shoes and tied my hair into a low bun behind. Hopefully all of these would make me look older, at least it would transform me into a plain servant maid. The belt sash, where I have sewed in all my gold cakes was put on my waist tightly. I then climbed over the back wall of Dongfang Shuo’s garden. I have been collecting and stacking rocks next to a big tree when I took walks in his garden.
By the time the two servant maids find out, it will probably be in the afternoon. By then, I should have already board the boat on Weihe River, where I can travel downstream to Yellow River.
The stable is quiet as I expected. The attendants take the horses out every morning to clean the stall. One of the cleaning attendants notices me, so I wave to him. “I am taking my horse out for a ride.”
“Go right ahead.” He says. “She has just been fed. Go easy on her.”
My horse is happy to see me since she know I will take her out. I pat her telling her to hold off her excitement.
The barrel is at the corner. I have put five clay bottles of methanol inside. When we were making charcoals for Winter Banquet, I have collected and distilled methanol. In the time of urgency, they can be used as self-made bombs by lighting them up or they can be used as a poison to put people out temporarily. My dad had taught me how to make methanol as an alternative gas for our lawn mower. I have also made a small crossbow with nail size arrows. The crossbow is a bit bigger than a handgun, but the arrows are made of iron. Then there is a three-inch-long saw. I hide it in my shoes right under my foot. I figure if I get tied up, this will help me break free. The last piece of items I stored in the barrel is a hairpin, where a sharp pin is hidden inside with twisted cap at the base. I put them all in my backpack and make sure I leave nothing behind.
All of them took me months to prepare. I dare not ask help from anybody, neither could I just gave the design to blacksmith shop. I had to have them made in pieces and then assembled them by myself.
“What are you doing there?”
I almost screamed when I hear Huo’ voice. “You have scared me.” I complain to him. I have not seen him since the day he came back from the front. I have continued my food delivering to my brother and General Wei, but not to him anymore. In fact, I have deliberately stayed far away from him. Even with Princess Dangli’s invitation, I would not go if I knew ahead of the time that he would be there.
“How can you walk without making any sound?” I complain.
“I coughed, but you did not hear me. “ He explains.
I am a little surprised by his attitude. Normally, he would either tighten his lips without saying anything, or something mean and harsh slip out.
“Oh, I did not hear you.” I turn back to what I was doing.
After I put back the lid of barrel, saddle my horse, I lead my horse out of stall. To my surprise, he is still standing there watching me.
“See you later. I am taking my horse for a ride.” I say to him politely.
“I am taking a ride too, Can I join you?” He says and steps up in front of me.
Surprised again.
“Oh…No, not this time.” I manage out a faint smile. “I’d like to ride alone today.”
Finally I see the familiar expression again, a sudden tightened lips.
For a few seconds, I was expecting his tantrum being thrown right upon me. But he did not. After a few seconds, his facial muscles relax again.
“Where are you going?” He asks me.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean where are you going to ride your horse?”
“Oh, just outside the city wall.”
He nods and steps aside.
I take my horse out the stall and mount on her, while I feel his gaze on my back.
Just before I ride out of the stable, I decide to turn back and say something to him. After all, he has been my idol since I was a kid. He is not quite what I thought, but I had never really thought of him as a living person either.
“You know, I am really sorry for everything I have done that rubs you in the wrong ways.” I say to him. “Please believe me those were from good intentions. They were never meant to harass you or to upset you. No matter you believe it or not, but you and General Wei Qing have always been my heroes and you two will still be my heroes. I wish all the best for you.”
I then make a perfect modern military salute to him. Seeing him in awe amuses me. I wave to him and ride away.
“Good bye, General Huo.” I say to myself. “I am glad I have met you in person.”
I take the Bacheng gate, one of the three east gates, out of Chang’an. I have been in Chang’an for quite some time and it has been a home for me. While I exit the door, I stop the urge of turn back seeing Chang’an for the last time. I know I would cry. I try to tell myself that I am going to have new adventure, but the feeling of leaving my home behind still put a huge knot in my throat.
The ride to Weihe River is very smooth. But I do feel the strange looks upon me. I stand out by riding the horse alone with my face uncovered in day light. It should be better if I sit in a carriage with a horseman in front or I dress myself up as a guy. The only problem is that my breasts start to develop and they are very sensitive to pain. After a few painful episodes, I begged Niang not to wrap my breast any more.
By the time I reach the pier or Weihe River, it is already late afternoon. I get off my horse and start looking for a boat willing to take me to Yellow River. I don’t want to get on any boat, I am looking for one with a family name as Wang. Zhao Yan has mentioned to me once he was on a boat with a family of three and they were nice and dependable people.
The family of Wang is preparing dinner when I found them. I mentioned Zhao Yan’s name and they agree to take me to Yellow River right away.
“I only have one requirement.” I tell Mr. Wang, the father of a nine year old son. “I need to leave right away. We don’t need to go far, you can find next place to dock, but I do need to get out of here.”
“No problem.” Mr. Wang says. “We can leave now and get to Weinan before night fall. We can find a place there to dock.”
Weinan is another city on the way to Yellow River. I thank him and try to help him to get my horse on the boat.
When Huo grabs my arm, I am just about get on the boat. I turn and see his face.
“Where are you going?” He asks me.
“It’s not your business.” I tell him. “Let go of me. You are going to break my arm.”
He would not let go, instead he pulls me closer.
“Where are you going?” He asks me again.
“I am going to visit some relatives.” I make up some excuse on the spot. “And I need to go now.”
He looks at me as if he is going to piercing through me. “Liar.”
I sigh. In his eyes, my forehead is marked with big “Liar”.
“Why did you follow me?” I decide to get back my ground.
“You are running away, aren’t you?” He doesn’t bother to answer my question.
I stay silent. By now, it’s already too obvious, there is no reason to hide anymore.
“Why don’t you just mind your own business and let me go.” I defeat.
“Give me a good reason, then I will let you go.” He says.
“Do you know you just talk more and more like Qiyang’s father?” I do not want to mention Emperor Wu. Mr. Wang looks scared already by our arguing.
He tightens his lips without saying anything.
“I have to go.”
“You still have not told me the reason.” He persists.
“I don’t want to get married. All right?” I raise my voice a bit. “Is that a good enough reason?”
“Not really, everybody gets married. Why not you?”
I almost devilishly want to say something outrages just to see his reaction. This poor guy has been brainwashed so badly that every little thing will make him jump. But I decide to let it go since I need to get on my boat quickly.
“You would not understand even if I tell you why.” I become impatient. And I know the best way to get rid of him is to get him mad.
“Because I am an ancient people?”
That almost cracks me up. Last time when I said that, he stormed out on me.
“Yes and no.” I try to keep my voice straight. “To some ancient people, they understand what I say even if they don’t agree. But from you, I would not expect such understanding.”
“You don’t want to marry into that family, what’s their name? The one with a very rude mother. Right?”
“No, I don’t. But that’s not the point. If it’s not Huang, it will be somebody else. It really doesn’t make a difference to me. They are all the same to me.”
“How can that be same? There are plenty suitors with good families.”
“I don’t want to be forced into a marriage. It is very humiliating. It makes me feel like an animal get tied up in order to breed with another one.”
His eyes turns dark when I look at him. He is not used to such a direct, almost vulgar talk. I decide to give it a full blown attack.
“To you, an arranged marriage is a noble one. With the blessings from both families and all those bull shits. But to me, the arranged marriage is a forced marriage. It is a rape, a public acknowledged rape. No matter how you glorify the arranged marriage, when a woman opens herself for a man without love, she is a whore, for the price of money, the guarantee of her future, her family glory, or her personal greed. For a man to have sex with a woman he doesn’t love, then he is just a client to a prostitute. Their relationship is nothing but a disgusting business transaction.
“I am not one of them, even if I wear exposed clothes, even if I run at night, even if I run naked, I would never offer myself to a guy for anything other than that I love him and he loves me. But what is point telling you. You would not understand any of that.”
I pause and feel the frustration. “I do not mean to be that harsh. But I despise the whole idea of arranged marriage. If you force me go back, then you are forcing me to go to bed with a man I don’t love, you are forcing me to be a whore. I don’t want to be one, not now, not ever. ”
I turn my head to Mr. Wang, who looks absolutely shocked there. “Mr. Wang,” I call him. “Will you please feed my horse some hay?”
Mr. Wang mumbles something which I don’t get.
“Let me go. All right?” I turn to Huo and plead to him with my gentlest voice. “You go home and continue believe everything you believe. You will be content and satisfied. And let me go find my own happiness.”
His grip loosens up. Carefully I pull my arm out. “Thank you.” I say to him with a smile. “Good bye then. Take good care of yourself.”
14 Just a Boy
“My horse is tired.” I complain.
“Mine too.” Huo says to me agreeably.
We have been riding for hours since he would not let me get on the boat. At the end Mr. Wang decided not to take my business even after I doubled my offer. He did not want to assist a runaway woman.
It is already dark. I insisted on staying with my journey after Mr. Wang’s refusal. So I rode along the river, hoping to find another boat in next pier. But the last pier I saw was about an hour ago.
“Why can’t you just go back to Chang’an?” One more try. For the past two hours I have been saying that every fifteen minutes.
“Unless you go back with me.” The same answer.
“I really don’t understand why you follow me.” I get irritated by him. “Don’t you want me to stay away as far as possible from you?
“When did I want you stay away?” He looks surprised.
I give him a snort as well as rolling eyes too. “You have called me a liar and a slut. Those are just the names you said right in front of my face. Who knows what else you called me behind my back.”
The more I think of what he has said to me, the more upset I feel. I have acted foolishly. But I meant nothing but genuine admiration. However he has treated me like a groupie. Even a groupie would get a better treatment, because in front of Mr. Uptight, a groupie is like air.
After a long while, I still have not heard anything from him, so I turn back and see him still riding behind me silently. But his shoulders look dropped down a little, as if he is defeated. Shouldn’t I be the one feel upset? Why does he look like I have just said something really hurtful?
I brush off my curiosity on his reaction and decide to find a
place for the night.
“What are you doing?” he asks me when I stop and look around for a safe spot to sleep.
“Getting ready for camping.” I mount off the horse and remove the saddle from her as well. I let my horse go free. Mr. Wang was kind enough to feed her some hay.
Huo gets off his horse as well.
“Do you have anything to sleep with?” I ask him since he doesn’t look like he is going to leave.
“I have a blanket.” He pulls a blanket from underneath the saddle.
“This is how the cavalry of Han equipped for camping?” I ask him. “Just a blanket?”
He looks unaffected by my sarcastic remarks. Instead, he says it proudly and cheerfully. “Yes, that’s all. Just wrap yourself up and sleep.”
I give up on any normal reaction from him.
I have two blankets underneath my saddle. One can turn into a sleeping bag and the other is a fur coat which can be opened up as a fur blanket as well. I find a flat spot and lay the fur blanket on it. It should be big enough for two persons to sleep on. Of course, Mr. Ethical may decide to sleep on the bare ground. I put my sleeping bag on one half of the fur coat.
He quietly puts his blanket on the other half of the fur coat next to me. I almost laugh out loud. After all, he still prefers comfort.
“Hungry? This is all I have. We can share.” I hand him one pork bun. I have bought a couple of them when I was at the pier. Seeing him without any food, I offer him a bun wrapped in lotus leaves.
He glances over it, which doesn’t look very appetizing after a long ride.
“I will go catch us some fish.” He says. “Go collect some tree twigs and light up a fire.”
“Right now? It’s late at night and it’s dark.” Actually there is moon.
“Do you think the fish go to sleep at night?” he laughs lightly. He then breaks a tree branch next to him and sharpens the tip of it with his knife until it becomes a spear.
My Soul is in the Sky Page 14