When we find a cave for rest, I put my backpack far away from the fire.
“What’s the stuff in your backpack?” Huo asks me when we sit down in front of the fire.
“Something dangerous.”
“Really? What is it?” Gongsun Jingsheng hold one dynamite and walks towards me.
“Stop.” I scream at him as loud as I possibly can. “Don’t come close.”
He ignores me and keep walking. I jump up and try to stop from. But Huo is faster than me. He dashes to Gongsun Jingsheng and presses him down.
I take away the dynamite from his hand. “Are you deaf or stupid? Do you know you have almost kill us all? If you want to die, I can help you. But don’t drag us with you.”
I am so mad at him.
“Shiaonu.” General Wei grabs my arms and holds me back.
When all of us finally calm down. General Wei asks me about the dynamite. I know by now I cannot hide it any more.
“I will show you what it can do. But please never ask me how to make it. I don’t have enough material to make it any more.”
General Wei agrees on my condition.
I let them all hide behind a huge rock after I extended the long fuse. When I ignite it. The explosion of dynamite not only deafens most of them, the sheer force from it shocks them all.
23 Proposal
Summer is here with such humidity as if the drought in spring was never there. General Wei said jokingly that I had stolen too much water. It rains almost every day that I start worrying about the possible flood.
On April Twenty First, Prince Liu Ju has been declared as the crown prince, the next one in line for the throne. Emperor Wu even told General Wei that unlike himself as a conquering Emperor, Liu Ju can be a loving Emperor who will bring prosperity to the Empire with integrity and devotion to his people. General Wei shared that with me.
I did not explain the plan to General Wei. But he figured it out when he saw the painting hanging on the wall of Emperor Wu’s bedroom chamber. I knew Emperor Wu could figure it out too if he finds out about cloud seeding. But even when he figures it out, he would have hard time believing it. At this time in Han, everyone believes only gods have the power of calling the rain.
Eight days after the declaration, an eclipse happened. It was commonly believed as a sign from God in Heaven that the Emperor has done something wrong. Emperor Wu locked himself in Imperial Ancestral Temple and went on fasting for three days. After he came out, he immediately assigned a few Taifu, royal teachers to Prince Liu Ju.
It was absurd to see such a scary over eclipse. Even General Wei went on fasting. I talked with Dongfang Shuo about the regularity of this phenomenon. But I don’t remember the exact formula for the calculation, so I have no way to validate my claim.
I still work with my group, which by now has been expanded to about thirty people. After Emperor Wu and officials from different departments saw our maps and our plans, they thought those were very useful. They increased resources for this effort and later expanded the map surveying all over the country. We have also gotten a few students from Imperial University joining us. They are trained to go to work for Department of Water management and the counselor thought it would be beneficial for them to participate early. I wonder if it is the earliest internship in human history.
With the extra resources, the plan of building future Navy training base becomes more and more solid. By the end of July, I presented the final plan to Emperor Wu and related Departments. To my surprise, the plan was accepted without any question, but the execution was put on hold. The reason is simple, there is no money and there is not enough available labors.
In Han, besides the two year mandatory military service per life time, every man between twenty and fifty six are also required to serve in the labor service one month every year. However, with the recent shortage of Imperial treasure, Emperor Wu has allowed people to buy their labor time. More and more families, including mine, have decided to buy the labor time instead of serving in it physically. So the shortage of labor becomes severe. But it has also reflected the improvement of income for common people.
I asked for the dismissal from the Imperial Envoy and the return to the Imperial University after Emperor Wu accepted my plan. He granted both.
My family is relieved. Papa doesn’t like me to work in the court at all. He thinks the court officials are bunch of cunning old foxes, who thrive on manipulation and lying.
“We live an honest life and let’s don’t get involved with them.” He tells us all.
I agree with him not stepping into court business any more. I found all court officials are very crafty politicians. But none of them can compare with Emperor Wu himself. He is the best manipulator I have ever known. He can be friendly and kind at one second, mean and vicious next. I have always been fascinated on how many faces he has. Personally, he scares me. I don’t remember how many times I woke up sweating worrying about him finding out of my involvement with Crown Prince Liu Ju.
I know I have been tied to the political boat called Wei Family.
Ever after the assassination attempt, especially after Prince Liu Ju, General Wei started treating me differently, as if I have finally been allowed to go into a city with no guards. He has always been kind to me, but that kindness came in as a beautiful gift contained in a bulletproof glass box. You can see it but you cannot penetrate it. Now there is no more box, just the pure kindness and gentleness. Not only have you seen how kind he really is, you also find him fragile and frail. He becomes real to me.
He likes to drink. I have known that for a long while since my family delivers Baijiu to him regularly. I had thought the large quantity he ordered was because he gave some of them as gifts to others. But after I was granted to enter his house freely without announcement, I have found out he drinks a lot, and he enjoys drinking alone.
It is a very sad scene of him sitting alone in a large room drinking quietly and slowly. My dad used to say when a man drinks alone, he is truly himself. So this is moment General Wei takes off all his armors and just be himself. For a man with so much power and so many responsibilities, I doubt he is ever really relaxed except moments like this.
“You have not cooked for me for a while now.” He says to me one day. “I use to drink Baijiu and eat your food.”
I start preparing food for him again every day. The dishes I chose taste good with drink. It is easy now since I have four maids in my place. I teach them once and they can repeat it afterwards. Once a while I cook something new myself, but most time, my maids prepare the food and deliver to him.
It is strange to see mostly men in his household, rarely any woman. I have not even seen his three sons and their mothers.
“Why are you so curious about his women?” Huo questions me when we are sitting by the lake.
I flounder at first trying to find an answer to his question. Then I get mad at him for not sharing anything with me at all. “Can’t I just be nosy for once?”
“No, you can’t.” He says tightly. “If you want to be nosy, you can be nosy about me.”
He has always been very tight with people’s secret. I guess that has to do with how he has been the special assistant to Emperor Wu since he was eight years old. With too many secrets, he has to be tight-lipped about all the time.
“I am not interested in your women.” I scoff back quickly and then realize I am missing the opportunity to get some clear answers from historical perspective.
“I have changed my mind.” I say to him. “Since you agreed to let me be nosy about you, I would like to ask you a couple of questions.”
He nods. “Go ahead.”
“Are you a gay, bisexual or straight?” I ask him.
His eyes widen in disbelief. “You… you…” He cannot finish while his face turning red.
“Are you still a virgin?” I ask him again.
“What stupid questions they are!” He stands up and storms away towards his horse.
Those were very va
lid questions. Most of the historical records about Huo has been from a guy named Sima Qian, who should live in Han at this time, but I have not found him yet. The book he would write later in his life would be called The Records of Grand Historians. In that book, intentionally or not, he would have stirred up clouds of suspicion over Huo’s sexual orientation. In the book of the Records of Grand Historians, Huo would have a son when he is twenty years old. But he would openly refuse to get married or even have his own residential house. His son would later be brought up by Emperor Wu. If that’s not strange enough. Sima Qian again would reference Huo’s name on a chapter about Emperor Wu’s gay friends, for a totally unrelated topic. It might be a misread by readers, or Sima Qian intentionally leaves hint, which has been a common practice for historians in ancient China.
“Let’s go.” He comes back and grabs my arms to pull me up.
“Where are we going?” I struggle finding my wooden clogs by the straw mats.
He sweeps me off my feet into his arms. “I am going to answer your questions.”
“Just answer my questions then. Don’t pick me up.” I try to get out his arms. “I don’t want to be seen like this.”
“I think it’s best to show the answers in front of you.” He smiles while making strides to my horse carriage.
“What do you mean?” I stop struggling and look at him in question.
“Just as I said.” He continues. “I will show you if I am gay or not and we can stop the virginity nonsense altogether.”
“I don’t want to see you having sex.” I kick him.
He laughs loudly and throws me into my horse carriage.
“Those are valid questions.” I manage to sit back up. “You just don’t know yet.”
“If you dare to ask me those stupid questions again,” He threatens me. “I don’t mind let you find out the answers yourself.”
Perhaps I should have asked in a more subtle way. The question about his virginity was purely for my own curiosity. He is not like Zhao Yan. He despises brothel or prostitute. Other than me and his families, I have never even heard of him close to any other woman.
I have thought a lot about the relationship with him, especially after the speech from General Wei. Although Huo has given me hairpins and we have spent a lot of time together, I still believe we are just friends. To him, I believe I am an interesting play mate. To me, he is more like another Ponu whom I can trust and play with.
But he is not my brother and Ponu doesn’t like me hanging around with Huo alone.
“Don’t go out with him anymore.” Ponu tells me one day. “You don’t know what others talk about you.”
“Why should I care?” I shrug. “Others can say whatever they want. I know we are just friends hang out together.”
“But no friend will pick you up from Imperial University and spend hours with you every day.” Ponu says. “I am your brother and I cannot even do that.”
“Well, that is your fault.” I tell him. “It used to be three of us together. But now you are getting married, it leaves just two of us.”
Ponu has been engaged to a girl whose family owns a silk shop in East Market Place. Her family proposed through a match maker and Niang and Papa has accepted. I met that girl when Niang took me visiting them. She is good looking, but I find her pretentious and superficial. But as soon as Ponu heard she is good looking, he doesn’t want to hear anything else.
He is scheduled to get married in fall and he is busy preparing the place for his future wife.
“I do not have time.” Ponu says. “But from now on, either I or Jinu will pick you up every day and you come back home afterwards.”
After a couple of times running into Ponu after my school, Huo gets the message. He switches Ponu to the shift when he supposed to pick me up. But my older brother Jinu takes over picking me up.
Huo just follows us and comes to my house directly. Nobody can stop him from seeking to see me at our house.
“Why did they do this?” He complains while we sit at the front courtyard with two of my maids standing behind me.
“People must have said something nasty.” I explain to him. “Ponu was very upset hearing those.”
Just like me, he doesn’t care about what others talk about us. “You have any idea how to solve this problem?” He asks.
“Not really. I guess we just have to get used to this. Ponu is going to get married and I don’t think he will have time playing with us like before any more.”
When the message from General Wei comes, I know it must have been the work of Huo. General Wei asks my parents to allow me to help him organize his book scrolls every day after Imperial University. My parents cannot say no to him.
“I know it’s your work.” I tell Huo when he opens the curtain of my horse carriage and helps me out.
“Of course it is me.” He looks very proud. “It is actually better this way. It will be cold soon and I will feel bad dragging you outside all the time.”
We resume seeing each other every day again, only now we go to General Wei’s house after school.
We usually have dinner with General Wei. Then I take my usual sleep. When he wakes me up in a few hours, we go running together. He then escorts me back to my home.
When Moon Festival comes, I stay home all day. Mooncake season is the busiest time for my family. By the end of the day, every one in my family are exhausted. And they all go to bed early.
I stay up waiting for Huo, who told me he would pick me up after the Royal Banquet and we would go camping by the lake to enjoy the full moon.
I recognize his whistle outside and I climb over the wall with a rope ladder.
“How come there is only one horse?” I ask him.
“You are riding with me.” He says.
I am a little hesitated. Although I have found so many times he sleeps next to me when I was sleeping, we have never been seen so closely publicly. I have only ridden on one horse with my brother Ponu.
“Come on, come on.” He urges me. “We need to get out before the city gates close.”
I get on the horse and ride out while he wraps me in his arms from behind. It is very uncomfortable since I have been stiff all the way. When the guards at the gate salute to him, I feel like hiding my face from their surprised look.
“How about I propose the marriage to your family tomorrow?” He gently drops the bomb when we lie down by the lake.
“What?” I almost jump up.
“Don’t be so excited.” He says with a low laugh. “I just thought instead of sneaking out like this, I’d better put you in a house and I can come to see you whenever I want.”
“That’s it? That’s the reason you want to marry me?” I hardly believe what I have just heard.
“Well, that’s not all.” He says. “Ponu has been acting really hostile towards me. You other brother Jinu is also very cordial but distant as if I am taking advantage of you. My uncle, my mom and my aunts, they have all hinted me that I should be responsible for your name. I think it is the right thing to do. We spend so much time together any way. Don’t you think getting married is the right thing to do?”
I feel cheap and hurt. But I know he has been honest with me. After all, we have never been subtle with each other. But the fact the reason he wants to marry me is for convenience still hurt my self-esteem.
The first proposal I received was from Zhao Yan, who were just trying to help me out of my arranged marriage. Now the second proposal was trying to protect my name. I could not help thinking what a failure I have been to be a girl.
“I don’t think so.” I say it dryly. “In fact, if I don’t know you better, what you have said was very insulting.”
“How can it be insulting?” He says hastily. “It is not an arranged marriage. We know each other for so long and we get along well. I am asking for your permission to propose to your family instead of forcing it upon you.”
I sigh again. On the one hand I feel moved that he remembered everything I have s
aid to him by Weihe River, on the other I don’t know how to explain to him a marriage should base on love.
“I agree with you. It is not an arranged marriage, that is, if there is a marriage at all. But it is a proposal under pressure. My brothers are protective and your family are very kind. I am sure they all mean well, especially when their intention is to protect me.”
“So what is the problem then?” He asks.
“The problem is…” I say it difficultly. “The problem is you don’t love me.”
He tries to say something, but I stop him. “You like me. You might even like me a lot. I am different than anybody you know. And my personality is more open than other girls. But that’s not love. At least that’s not a kind of love I think should exist between a man and a woman.”
“I don’t know what you mean by love.” He says. “But I have never felt this way before. Every time when I was away, I thought of you a lot. When I was free, especially at night, in my mind I would going through things you have said and things we have done. When I am back in Chang’an, I cannot wait to pick you up every afternoon. Every time when I hear or see anything interesting, the first thing comes to my mind is what you will think of it. I don’t know if you feel the same way about me. But I want to be with you. You changed a lot things in me and I never feel bored around you.”
“That just means I am very attractive.” I jokingly interrupt his speech. I had a long day and I really did not want to continue such heavy conversation. I have never been in love before, but the basic instinct is there. As lovers, there is something missing between us.
“I am flattered that you want to propose the marriage. But I just don’t feel right about it. Can’t we just be friends like we have been? I feel safe when I am with you. Although you have bad tempers and you never treat me gently. I still like to hang out with you. Once a while, it is fun to poke you and see you getting mad.”
He is indignant about my comment of his bad temper.
“I just want to be like this, free with no responsibility. I can go wherever I want to go and do whatever I’d like to do. Don’t you think it is a good way of living the life?”
My Soul is in the Sky Page 24