“You still want to run away?”
“No, I don’t need to run away any more. Thanks to you. But I still want to look at the world, finding out how people live their lives and getting answers to a lot of questions.”
“I have always wondered what it is in your brain.” He says. “Han is not big enough for you?”
“But I want to go to see Roman, I want to meet Jesus, and I want to go to Egypt too.”
“What are those? Are they countries?”
“Ugh…” I forget he doesn’t know those things. “Those are things I read or heard before. Anyway, it is a big world and Han is just a part of it.”
“You need to tell me about these things.” He says. “I’d like to travel the world with you. But it has to be after I get rid of Xiongnu.”
“You will.” I tell him and feel really sleepy.
“But I still want to propose the marriage.” He murmurs.
“Please don’t.” I yawn. “I really want to sleep.”
He pulls me into his arms and covers me snugly with blanket.
“Shiaonu.” He calls my name after a long while.
“Yeah…”
“I really want to hold you like this every night.”
24 Hot Spring
Maybe it is love, or maybe it is just friendship mistaken as love. I do not know.
Of all the things Huo has said to me at Moon Festival night, the only thing I remembered, and it has been ringing in my ear ever since, is that he wants to hold me and go to sleep every night. That has struck a chord with me. It was probably the first time ever, he has showed any tenderness towards me.
He first thought I was a lunatic, then a liar. When we just started getting along, he found me a rebel, who is against almost everything he has believed in. Even when we finally became friends, we spent most of the time just being buddies. There is trust, there is companionship, there is tolerance, and there is also competition. We do have soft spots towards each other. But I never feel the tenderness until that night when he said that he wanted to hold me and go to sleep every night.
I have tried to sort out my feelings towards him. But I have failed miserably.
Only one thing becomes more and more clear, that is, it is time for me to fade away from his life.
I know his story, I know his past and I know his future, that’s why I know there is no room for me in his life.
And I am selfish too. Huo will die young. It’s already hard enough just thinking about disappearing from his life, I can’t imagine how hard it will be dealing with his death later. I do not want to live the rest of my life in this already lonely world missing some one. If I am unable to go back to my own world, which even the thought gives me headache, I’d rather have somebody I can share my life with.
So with all the confused emotions mingling with my own selfishness, it is easy to tell myself to stay away from him.
“Is it time to go home now?” I ask him when I wake up from the sleep in General Wei’s house.
“Not yet.” He says. “You can sleep more. I will wake you up on time.”
“All right.” I turn and try to go back to sleep. His arms wrap me from behind.
“You want sleep too?” I ask him sleepily.
“No, I just want to hold you.”
I hold my urge not to turning around.
I start avoiding him by having lots of excuses.
“I have to read all these book scrolls.”
“I have to go home after school today.”
“I have to go with Jinu to the brewer house later.”
“I have to practice this piece of music today.”
…
Huo’s face turns darker and darker every time I turn down his invitations. I can see him getting hurt by my evasion. But what he doesn’t know is I hurt more inside. Every time seeing him walking away quietly, I have to wrench my hands so hard not to chasing him and wrapping my arms around his waist.
I long for his companionship, his arms and even his smell. The only thing can let me out of the pain is the imagination of me indulging into the tenderness he has been showing me.
“Why?” He asks me after I give him another poor excuse.
I bite my lips.
How can I tell him his life will not include me? How can I tell him I am selfish and do not want to spend my whole life missing him? How can I tell him I am stupid enough not be able to find a way to have him without impact the history?
“Have I done something wrong?” His voice has never be so soft towards me.
I shake my head.
“Then why do you avoid me?” I can hear the pain from his voice.
It is not fair for him to suffer the same as what I have to suffer, since he doesn’t know what I know. I should have not gotten too close with him and I have been too stupid in detecting his feelings towards me.
I gather my strength and straighten up my back. “I don’t want to see you anymore.” I say to him. “We are getting older. It is not convenient for us to spend time like before.”
“Is that what you really think?”
“Yes.” I nod my head.
“Liar.” His lips tightens up.
He does not need to tell me that any more. By now, I have already accepted the fact that I am a liar, just as he knew it from the beginning.
“I am probably a bigger liar than you can ever imagine.” I tell him bitterly. My look, my name, my body, my identity, none of them is real. I am just an imposter standing in front of him.
“Are you scared?” He asks me again. “Are you scared of being with me?”
“What makes you think I am scared?” I laugh. “I don’t even know how that word is written. But I do know I should match my behavior to the Li of Confucian. I have been the student of the Imperial University for over a year now. I need to watch what I do and what I say…”
I give him a long speech full of craps I have learned from the Imperial University.
He just watches me blabbing away impassively.
In two days, an imperial decree arrives to my home. Emperor Wu has granted a marriage between Huo and me.
I listen to the announcement in astonishment.
“Congratulations.” The eunuch finally says to my parents, who are absolutely ecstatic by the news.
I get up and walk back to my room without talking to anybody.
Somehow I feel relieved. It is settled then. I do not know if this will alter the history. There is never a record about the engagement between Huo and the sister of Zhao Ponu. But the relationship between Huo and Ponu are recorded very close. Ponu later even get his Marquis title as “Following the General Piaoji“. General Piaoji is Huo’s official title later.
My head spins with the engagement and all possibilities associated. It is funny how I know the past and future, but I don’t know what happens in between.
“Shiaonu.” My brother Jinu follows me into my room. “Are you all right?”
“I don’t know.” I tell him blankly. “I did not expect him doing this after I turned him down.”
“He has proposed to you before?”
“Yes. But I turned him down.”
My brother Jinu sits next to me. “Then he is a decent guy after all.” He says. “I had thought him being arrogant without any consideration for your name. But it seemed like I have done him wrong.”
That caught me in surprise. I have not thought of how Huo’s name might be stained by not proposing to me. I never cared for so called name, but Huo must have been under a lot of pressure.
“Why did you turn down his first proposal?” Jinu asks me.
“I did not think he loves me.” I tell Jinu in an embarrassment.
“How can you be so blind?” Jinu says with his eye brows twisted. “Everybody in Chang’an knows he has been courting you.”
I do not know what to say. I do not know what to think any more either. Have I really been that blind? Or have I really been just stupid?
Huo picks me up the next day
after school, where I have received the congratulations all day long. There is no surprise, as if everybody have known it for a long time that we would end up in engagement. I become more and more assured of my stupidity.
“Surprised?” Huo asks me when we are finally alone in a tea house.
“Shocked.” I tell him honestly.
“I know you do not want to marry me.” He says. “But I cannot bear the thought of you staying away from me. We can just be friends, if that’s all you want.”
I have only wanted the friendship from him before. Since his proposal, especially after my unsuccessful attempts of staying away from him, something has changed inside me. No matter how much I tried to deny it, I know there is something more than mere friendship between us. When I saw him hurting, I hurt more. What’s worse is that I could not stop thinking of him. When the decree came, I honestly felt relieved that I do not need to struggle any more. Being friend with him was a conscious choice, but falling for him was something beyond my control.
I put my arms around his waist and press my head against his chest. Hearing his heartbeats and feeling the ups and downs of his breathe, I feel safe and relaxed. I don’t want to fight back my longing for him anymore.
He pulls me closer and tightens up the hug. “You don’t know how worried I was coming to see you today.” He says. “I thought you would get mad at me in forcing you into an engagement.”
“I guess I have been both blind and stupid. “ I tell him. “Without the decree of marriage, I might never be able to face my own heart.”
“I love you, Shiaonu.” He starts kissing me on my face. “I have been stupid too. But I do know I love you.”
I let myself sink into his hug and his warmth. It is all settled then. No matter how much I have tried to stay as a bystander, it is all over. From now on, my future, just like that of everybody else, is unknown. No matter what will happen, or how disastrous it might turn out to be, I know the desire of being with him surpasses the fear of an unknown future. If somehow, or someway the future stays the same as what I have known, I still need to face the reality that he will die at the age of twenty three, only four years from now. Either way, I hope I will have enough courage to face the consequences.
Following the Imperial Decree, there is another six-step traditional process to follow: formal proposal, exchange names and birthday cards, meet diviner, betrothal gift, setting up wedding date and wedding. All these custom are followed with the help of a match maker.
With two weddings under the belts, Niang is very familiar with the process. The only difference is, instead of marrying in some girls for her sons, she is marrying out her daughter to somebody else.
Huo is getting busy with work as well and he would not tell me what it is.
“You just need to get ready to be my bride next fall.” He says. “Everything else I will take care of.”
But I do know what he is working on. Xiongnu has just raided the bordering cities again. Hundreds have been killed, food and properties has been robbed. With the tight fund in the treasury, sending large amount of troops is not possible and the weather, with the temperature below the freezing point in Xiongnu as early as early October, makes it out of the question to have a war with Xiongnu right away.
So it has to wait until next spring, when Huo leads only 10,000 soldiers to fight with Xiongnu. That is going to be the war establishing his name as a military genius. The strategy he will use will be studied for thousands years to come.
But for now, he is just a Captain in the cavalry engaged to a sister of his friend Ponu.
When January comes, he takes me to the hot spring by Mount Li.
The road to hot spring is not easy. We can only ride horses since the carriage will get stuck in the snow.
“What is the game you gave to Empress Wei?” He asks me while we are riding there. “That is very clever.”
I laugh. Empress Wei and her sisters have been sending me invitations quite often for parties. Since the engagement, they have welcomed me to the family with open arms. But their invitations, one after another, leaves me no time for anything else. So I hired a carpenter, carved a couple sets of game called Mahjong.
Mahjong, has been a very popular game among Chinese since late eighteen century. It consists of one hundred forty four bamboo tiles marked in three major groups and three minor groups. It is played by four players. Whoever first forms the fourteen tiles in four melds, sequentially or identically, and a pair of heads, wins the game. It can be very addicting especially when it involves with money.
I brought Mahjong to Empress Wei and invited her two sisters and Princess Dangli. They fell in love with the game right away. Since the introduction of Mahjong, they don’t have time for me anymore.
“It’s called Mahjong.” I tell Huo, who apparently is very happy that he doesn’t need to drag me out of the parties thrown by his aunts any more.
“Emperor Wu told me the game becomes so popular in his Back Palace, he sees people playing wherever he goes.”
I am amused by the information. With over three thousands women in his Back Palace, Emperor Wu should be thankful to me that he is no longer the only focus of his royal concubines. I do not understand how a single guy can take the responsibility of satisfying thousands women. Even a thought with such ambitions is unthinkable to me.
I have been asked a lot about where to get Mahjong. I turned it into a business for Aunt Red, who starts selling Mahjong sets in the perfume shop. I suggested to her to open a lady’s club in Chang’an, where her customers, mostly wives, daughters and concubines of high ranking court officials, can socialize in a safe and luxurious environment with good food, entertainment and mahjong. She likes the ideas and is in the preparation to open one soon.
Before Zhao Yan left, he has given me a jade seal, which allows me to manage his business for him. I turned all the management over to Aunt Red, who has proven to be not only a very capable business lady, but also a very loyal friend. I visit her every other month making sure business is as usual. When I check the books, I found out Zhao Yan has left me with the sole ownership of Perfume store.
“It has been this way from the beginning.” Aunt Red told me. “He just did not want me to give you all the money at one time. He was afraid you would just run away as soon as you saved enough.”
Zhao Yan’s business is not doing very well. His tanning shop has almost no profit and his brothels barely survives too. I wonder why he still keeps those business open. I also checked with Jinu about the Baijiu business with Zhao Yan. They have decided a long time ago to divide the ownership of stores by regions. Zhao Yan owns north region while my family owns the south region. North region is next to Xiongnu, where a lot of customers are Xiongnu. Hopefully Zhao Yan’s Baijiu business is doing well.
“Don’t worry about his income.” Jinu said. “Xiongnu likes Baijiu more than us Han.”
When we arrive the hot spring, it is already in the late afternoon. Huo takes me to a building nearby.
“I did not expect there are buildings and royal servants here.” I say to him.
“Of course, since Qin Dynasty, it has always been the hot spring for royal families. In fact, the surrounding areas are part of the dedicated Royal territory. Nobody else is allowed to come here.”
“Good to know. I was expecting to camp in the snow tonight.”
He laughs. “Not only you will not sleep in the snow, you will enjoy everything here.”
The dinner is really impressive, especially the fish soup with salted bamboo shoots and bacon.
“It is delicious. I will make it when we go home.”
Huo doesn’t say anything, but he seems have a very good appetite.
After dinner, we change into the silk robes. Huo takes me to a smaller pool surrounded by carved stones. I start getting nervous when two of us get in the pool. It is dark now and the servants left us with two lanterns.
I am ashamed to admit that I thought he was going to do something to me while we are
in the pool. With just two of us and it is dark, I am surprised he does not make any move, not even trying to hug me or kiss me like he has been doing recently whenever we are alone. Only when we get out, I notice he has wrapped himself with a towel in a strange way. I turn my head away and pretend I did not see anything.
I go back to my room, dry my hair and slide into my bed, which is just thick blankets on the top of wood floor.
Long horse ride, delicious food and then the soaking in hot spring, I feel my eye lids are comfortably glue together. Then I hear the knock on my door and a low voice.
“Shiaonu.” That is Huo’s voice.
I get up and open the door. The smell of alcohol flows in right away.
“Did you drink?” I don’t remember him drinking during the dinner.
He nods. His eyes are shining in the dark.
“What do you want?” I ask him. Actually his drinking makes me nervous.
He steps into the room and closes the door behind him.
“I cannot sleep.” He simply says. “I want to watch you sleep.”
I nod. He has been watching me sleep all the time. Sometimes when I woke up, I would find him sleeping right next to me.
I walk back to my bed.
“Do you want to sleep next to me?” I ask him. I know what it means, especially in such a late night, in such a remote place, and after he drinks.
As long as I love him and he loves me, why not?
He lies down next to me. I can feel his unusual warmth. I turn my back to him and keep a little distance away from the radiating heat from him.
“Shiaonu.” He calls me in the dark and I feel his trembling hand on my waist.
“Yeah…”
With heavy breathing, He turns me to face him. Before I know, he start kissing me on my lips, long and aggressive, as if he is going to suck me in.
I cannot push him away while he gradually moves his weight over me. So I turn my head away from him. He raises his head a few inches up. Even in the dark, I see the sparkles in his eyes.
My Soul is in the Sky Page 25